Of The Male Persuasion

Photogenic 4

2011-02-03T06:57:00.000+10:00

Courtesy of the garden in my back yard

Photogenic 3

2011-02-01T16:45:00.000+10:00

I have no idea where this came from but it has been in our backyard for ages

Photogenic 2

2011-01-31T17:13:00.000+10:00

Photogenic

2011-01-30T16:18:00.000+10:00

I've got nothing better to do with my time and I camera I never use so I figured i would try and take some photos. So here goes...

An Anniversary

2010-12-19T21:39:00.000+10:00

So it's been a year (technically a year was yesterday but I didnt have access to a computer so lets pretend). It has been a year since I started this blog. Originally I started it so I could have somewhere to talk. A place where I could get my feelings off my chest without really having to deal with it. A year later and i'm not sure what to do with this blog at all. I've grown and changed so much in this past year it's not funny. I've asked out guys, I've broken up with guys, I've had my heart broken and I've probably broke hearts. I've changed majors at uni, I've passed courses, I've failed courses and i've been given academic warnings. I've met wonderful people and i've lost wonderful people (if you read this Charlie, i'm still waiting for that email you promised to send me in september. Also, a reply to one of my texts wouldnt go astray). I've come out and I've hidden myself (and if my mother has anything to do with it everyone will know in a few days). I've been shy, I've been outgoing. I've lost confidence and gained confidence and lost it again. I've topped, I've bottomed, I've been caught, I've made mistakes and I have regrets but all in all it has been a very interesting year and I think I am a lot more confident and happier right now than I was last year.

I was going to write a proper recap of everything that has happened to me in the past year but then I realised that I have a blog and if you really want to know what has happened then you can always go back and re-read it (minus the sex. For some reason I never really said anthing about my sex life, which is probably a good thing). There are a little over 100 posts, including my terrible attempt at erotic fiction which probably wont get finished. I've been incredibly slack with posts lately, especially considering how many times I posted on those first couple of days. I'm not sure what i want to do with this blog. I dont want to close it down but at the same time I dont really feel the need to post here either. I think I might just let it sit here. I have twitter which is a bit easier to do, so you can follow me on that. I guess if i want to say something that's too big for twitter i'll write a post. And you never know, the writing bug might strike me again and I can always come back to this blog.

Thank you to everyone that has followed me or commented or done anything vaguely related to this blog over the past year. You're all wonderful. Maybe i'll be back soon

Just a quick update

2010-11-10T11:28:00.000+10:00

1. I'm alive
2. Exams are happening at the moment so i'm trying to be a good boy and study
3. As of yesterday I have a bf

I'm Old

2010-09-26T12:28:00.000+10:00

I feel like i should write something but at the same time i'm not exactly sure what to write.

I'm no longer a teenager. I know it's a little silly but i feel as if i've wasted my youth. Not that i can really do anything to change that now. My parents got me a new hoodie, some t-shirts, a new wallet, a book called I Kill (which made me realise that i have a disturbing amount of serial killer books) and acne cleanser (obviously from my mother who cares more about how my face looks than i do, so annoying). They also got me a caramel cheesecake as my birthday cake, which was pretty good. I had planned to go to the uni pub after class on tuesday to celebrate my birthday but only one of my friends turned up so i postponed it indefinately. So all in all my birthday was typically boring. I went to uni, I came home, I had some cake and i went to bed.

I also joined gaydar the other day. I have no idea why though, I guess i was bored. I probably had some stupid romantic delusion where i'd meet this wonderful guy on there and we'd fall in love, etc etc. I dont see it happening. Everyone on there seems to have at least a decade on me (which i think is just a little too old for me at the moment).

And that's about it. My life continues down its boring and uneventful path. I'm on a break from uni for the next week but i'm not sure how much holidaying i'll get to do. I'm hoping to catch up on all this uni work.

Why I Hate Student Politics

2010-09-15T13:27:00.000+10:00

Anyone that follows me on twitter probably realised how much i got into the recent australian election. However, the same can not be said for student politics. Student union politics has to be the most annoying thing ever. They hassle you for two weeks straight and you dont see them for the rest of the year. Union politics at my uni are full of dirty tricks too. So much so that one party tried not to even have an elction this year. Lately we've been getting fliers from one of the parties which are quite obviously fake. Well i hope people that go to my uni are smart enough to realise that they're fake. Here's the one we got today.

Top reasons to vote CHANGE
Your Active, Progressive Voice

CHANGE Carparks into Greenspace
With pedestrian paths, cycle links and frequent bus services, those who continue to indulgently drive to UQ are sheer environmental vandals who must CHANGE their reckless ways. CHANGE will stop the new multi-level car park and convert existing parking into green space including a communal fruit and vegetable garden. Our riverside campus should be lined by trees, not by cars.

Gender Equality with CHANGE to Female Urinals
Change believes that sexual equality requires women to have the right to pee standing without making contact with the germ-laden surface. To eliminate this patriarchial discrimination CHANGE will install female urinals so that women can equally enjoy "touch-free" urination. Plus the CHANGE to female urinals results in dramatic reductions in water and toilet paper which is good for our environment.

9PM Campus Shutdown and Ban Bundy Rum
Encouraging students to remain on campus after dark when their safety is not guaranteed is irresponsibly exposing women to the risk of sexual assualt. CHANGE will implement a 9pm campus-wide shutdown, including the Red Room, all libraries and all computer labs. CHANGE will take further steps to protect women from aggressive intoxicated yobbo men by banning Bundy Rum from the Red Room and CHANGING to Passion Pop on tap.

Compulsory $250 Union Fee
CHANGE supports the Gillard Government plan to charge all students a compulsory $250 union fee and a CHANGE back to the practice of withholding the results of students who do not pay the $250 fee. This $250 fee will deliver the revenue to required to CHANGE the UQ union into a strong activist and political voice

Now there are two main parties involved in this election. They are CHANGE and FRESH. Now both parties claim to be non political and bipartisan but Fresh is aligned with the liberal party and Change is aligned with the labor party. Fresh is the party currently in charge of the union and i assume that they put out this flyer amongst others i have recieved. Student union politics are completely stupid at my uni, So stupid that they actually have to pay people to vote. Frankly i couldnt care which non-political political party decides which food franchise we get on campus next. I could go on about everything that is wrong with student politics at my uni forever.

People/Things That Annoy Me - Part 2

2010-09-10T21:31:00.000+10:00

UQ union elections, 4 ply toilet paper, people that borrow my towel without asking and use it for their new puppy dog, there by ruining my towel which they didnt ask for in the first place GRRRR, People that walk slow or stop on the footpath in front of you. Guys with ambiguous haircuts that make me question their sexuality, People that leave their washing in the machine for days before actually hanging it up, Ore minerology and mine surveying, People that play with the food while i'm trying to cook, Salt and vinegar chips, Being a poor uni student, not being completely out, Not owning any aussieBums, skinny jeans (mainly because i dont think i can wear them), Running out of toilet paper, Fuel prices, Crabby bus drivers, Bogans on trains, My friend for getting me started on this stupid facebook game, Not knowing if that hot guy is gay, My inability to dance, Anyone who uses the toilets in Hawken building (I dont know how engineers are so bad at aiming, it's disgusting), The power cord of my laptop which isnt working properly anymore, xenophobes, being tired, people that dont indicate when they change lanes or are turning, etc

Things/People that annoy me

2010-09-07T14:47:00.000+10:00

people that dont close the microwave door after they use it, those two girls in my lectures, redheads (even though i am one), people that buy vitamin water, plastic cheese, people that dont wrap the cheese properly when the put it in the fridge, people that can't grate or cut cheese properly ITS NOT THAT HARD, people that leave their dirty clothes all over MY bathroom floor, uni, lecturers who cancel lectures at short notice, lecturers that suck at teaching, prac reports, people that have three hot meals a day, people that dont take rubbish out, people that leave their dirty clothes all over the house, people that dont pick up dog shit, uni, people that want australia to have a 2 party political system and dont understand the basics of preferential voting, idiots, UQ union elections, dirty perves on msn, no dirty perves on msn when i want there to be, my complete lack of fashion sense, ore minerology, a lack of forks, lines at the refec, food at the refec, people making out in the great court, being single, the air conditioner in this library, hot guys at uni, not finding anything on the internet to help with my prorastination, facebook games, not being able to dance well, acne, bacne, exes who dont seem to understand that they are an ex for a reason, not drinking more often, not being more social, Bob Katter, Tony Abbott, Julia Gillard, bigots, rascists, not knowing the name of that song, etc

Full On

2010-08-22T16:02:00.000+10:00

So its been a while. I've decided to take a break from my already stop-start studying to give you a quick update (this is what we call procrastination).

Uni is getting full on. It surprising how it still manages to creep up on you every semester. The first few weeks you ease into things. You're relaxed and you like your courses and everything seems to be going well then BAM! You have 10 assignments due in the next two weeks. So that's a slight exageration but that's sort of what it feels like. I handed in my first proper assignment on friday. It was a prac report and i'm not to sure how i did with it seing as they didnt give us much guidance. I'm hoping i've done well. Tomorrow i have an in class "quiz" worth 15% overall so that's next in line. It's 25 multiple choice questions which hopefully wont be too hard. After i do that i have a group project which i have to get started. My group seems less than enthusiastic as i still havent been able to meet all the members in it so i've sort of just started on my own. It's all been split up and i know what bit i have to do so i'm going to try and do my best on it (with some help from charlie, maybe). I also have another assignment that i got last thursday which seems pretty complicated. It sort of runs on from classes and pracs we've already done so hopefully it wont be as hard as i think. I still havent had a proper look at it and i dont even know when it's due. Also this week i start pracs for another two courses which i will have to write reports for. Do you get what i was saying about it being full on? And i'm only doing 3 courses this semester.

Now if you follow my twitter you'll realise that australia has just had an election and i got kind of into it. This was my first federal election and we ended up with a hung parliment. Which i found exciting. I voted greens in both the houses and even managed to convince my xenophobic, rascist, bigoted, Tony Abbott supporting brother to vote for the greens in the senate. So Queensland got its first greens senator. The seat i live in was one of the queensland ones that stayed with the labor party. There weren't many of them. The Australian political system is much more complicated than the american system, Just incase you were wondering. We have a multi-party system and it all works around preferences. So we dont know who our Prime Minister is yet and it could take a while to work it out.

Other than that i still lead a rather bland existence. I'm still single and to be honest i dont see it changing anytime soon. Then again you never know. If you wish to help me procrastinate some more you can ask me some questions on formspring (link at the side). I like answering questions so give it a go, you never know what you'll learn. And on that note i probably should be getting back to this study. Hope you're all well.

P.S. I'll get back to the story as soon as i can Peter

Part Three

2010-08-01T09:00:00.002+10:00

So this is part three, Its probably the worst of the lot so far and actually took quite a while to write, though i'm not sure why. The football i'm talking about in this part is rugby league, just incase you were wondering.
_________________________________

The whistle blew across the playing field, signalling the end of practice. Oliver picked the football up and made his way over to his friends who were already waiting for the coach to speak.
"Alright guys, you did well today. Keep up the good work and i'll see you all in a couple of days"
The coach turned and walked away and the boys started heading off in their different directions. Oliver had made it a few steps towards his car when he got a football to the back of the head. The boys laughed as Oliver turned around.
"I'll give you a 5 second headstart"
The boys laughed again as Matt began running across the field. He had made it almost halfway along the field before Oliver turned to Tom.
"Do you think I should chase him?"
"Nahh," replied Tom ,"He'll come back eventually"
Oliver and Tom laughed and started walking towards their cars.
"You're coming to my shindig on the weekend right?" asked Tom.
"I dont know if i'll be able to," said Oliver ,"I'm pretty sure we're getting a big assignment for physics. So i'll probably have to do that."
"Does that mean you'll be spending more time with that idiot? i dont know why you're even nice to him."
"I assume you mean Alex?"
"yeah, tall cunt. Acts all higher than thou because he thinks he's smarter than us. And lets not forget my arm."
"A couple of things," said Oliver, "One, he's a nice guy. Two, he didnt break you arm. You broke your arm because you're such a stupid bastard. Three, I cant remember what i was ging to say."
Tom laughed.
"Well i'm still blaming him for breaking my arm."
"Alright," said Oliver, "You do that."
Oliver and Tom had walked all the way to their cars. Tom said goodbye before getting in his car and leaving. Oliver unlocked his old red mini and grabbed his bag off the passenger seat. He pulled off his sweaty shirt and pulled on a clean tshirt. It was tight and showed off his pecs. Oliver looked around for people before slipping his football shorts off. He pulled on a clean pair of shorts before anyone saw him in his underwear. Oliver chucked his sweaty clothes in the bag on the passenger seat before getting in his car and leaving.

I'd totally do Jessica Biel

2010-07-21T15:15:00.007+10:00

I figured you guys deserved a proper update from me instead of my tweets about masterchef and my terrible story writing. I have 41 followers now which is good. Thanks to all of you. Here's whats been happening.

So i got my results from the past semester and i did so badly that i got an academic warning. That pretty much means that if i dont improve this coming semester i'll get kicked out of uni. Not exactly the best feeling in the world. Due to the results and the fact that i've been losing interest in my courses i have changed majors. I am now doing mining engineering which i'm hoping will go better. It is more assignment based than exam based which will be good for me. I also considered changing to a bachelor of reginal and town planning but i didnt get a chance to speak to the course advisor (yet) and i'm not sure if i'll be able to change mid-year. Also the fact that my GPA is abysmal probably wouldnt help either. I had my special exam today which i failed massively. I had sort of given up on it because i'm changing majors and the actual content wasnt really appealing (i know its bad and i should have tried harder). I've decided to put this past semester behind and just try and move on and make sure i pass everything this coming semester. I really dont want to get kicked out of uni.

So a couple of weeks ago I had to pick up my sister and her bf from the airport and take them back to their place on the sunny coast. Then i drove back to the farm and stayed with my family for a couple of days. It was good to be back on the farm. There's something comforting about it. The thing i miss most about the farm is the pot belly stove and also i kinda miss the shower (I realise how silly this sounds). I mucked around with my two little brothers and i went and saw The A-Team with some friends i hadnt seen in a while and it was mostly good. However, if i have to hear my mother say given the lifestyle you're leading once more time . Actually the one that really annoys me is when she asks if i'm "seeing someone". There's just something about the way she says it that's annoying. So i had a little disagreement with my mother towards the end of my stay. And they've sort of conitinued on and off for the past week or so. Back to the A-Team, I'd totally do jessica biel. Just thought you should know.

Now if you've looked at my twitter you will know that i've been on 2 dates lately, with the same guy. We have tentative plans for another one tomorrow night. I'm not sure if i should call them dates though. I'm really bad at this stuff and i'm already getting nervous about tomorrow and i dont even know if it's definitely happening. I'm not sure if this guy likes me and here's why. He's not online much which i'm alright with but he doesnt really text me either. He'll respond to my texts but i havent really got an out of the blue text from him. And i dont want to text him to much incase i annoy him or he doesnt like me. I should however say that when he replies to my texts he's really nice. I asked him out last saturday (it was very short notice) and he said he would've loved to but he was meeting friends. So i'm not really sure if he likes me. I think i'm convincing myself that he doesnt like me so i wont be so hurt if it turns out that way. I guess i'll have to wait till tomorrow night and see. On our second date we went to the movies and i was too nervous to even hold his hand, that's how bad i am at this stuff. I cant read signals and stuff. I need to be more confident, easier said than done.

So my last two post have been that story. I got 3 positive comments on the first part and 1 positive comment on the second part so if that continues i'll get 1 negative comment on the third part. I'm not really sure when i'll get the third part done cause i'm sort of writing it as i go, off the cuff. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions i'd welcome them. You'll probably get part three sometime before the end of the week seeing as next week i start back up at uni. I really need to get a job this semester too. i'd love to work at a cinema or something. Just as long as its not in the hospitality/food industry. I've done enough of that already.

At the moment i'm trying to see how long i can go without masturbating. I was meant to start yesterday but that didnt really pan out for me. Now the reason i'm doing this is because i masturbate too much. Also someone told me that if you cum in the same way too much then you wont be able to cum in other ways. Now i'm not sure how true this is but i'm willing to give it a go. So today is day one of my no masturbating challenge. I'm hoping to make it to the weekend at the least. I'm not sure how, or what i'll do with all my extra time so if someone wants to give me some ideas.

I got some cheap canvases this arvo and did some painting. It was fun, even if my painting looked better in my imagination. It's not finished yet and i'm not sure what to do with it. It looks alright from a distance but if you're too close it looks kind of crappy. Its a bit of a landscape but i dont think the colours are quite right. Maybe i'll put a picture of it up at some point. Its in my room at the moment cause i dont want my brother to see it, or his gf.

I'm sure lots of other things have happened but thats all i can think of at the moment. Hope you're all alright.

Part Two

2010-07-10T14:32:00.006+10:00

I needed a bit of a distraction from the big steaming pile of shit that is my life so you guys get this. Let me know what you think.
_______________________________________________

Oliver turned up to school on monday morning fifteen minutes before the bell rang. He was an extremely popular among both staff and students. His ability to move between the different groups and cliques at the school without trouble got him a lot of respect and made him the well liked boy that he was. People rarely had a bad word to say about him. The girls wanted to be with him and the guys wanted to be friends with him, or be him. Oliver walked through the morning rush at school, greeting staff and students alike. He was tall and well built. Not muscular but toned, with what seemed like perfect skin and hair. He was sporty and it had helped shape his body. Oliver put his bag down and greeted his friends. They were discussing his party from the weekend. Recounting stories of who had hooked up with who and what they'd done. They turned to Oliver and asked him if he'd scored any action.
He offered his usual reply, "A gentleman doesnt kiss and tell."
They pressured him unsuccessfully for the next 5 minutes until the bell rang for the start of class. Oliver's friends dispersed into the crowd, heading towards their various classes. Oliver picked up his books and made his way towards his physics room on the other side of the school.

Alex walked into the noisy classroom and sat beside his friend Emily. He was skinny and deceptively tall, often walking with a slight hunch to hide his height. His wild curly hair had been tamed with water today.
"How was Oliver's party?" asked Em
"Its a pity you couldnt come"
"That bad?"
"It wasnt bad," said Alex, "but you know how those guys can be. And those girls as well."
"Yeah. I heard about Sally this morning. Sleeping with Tom then Luke then Tom again."
"I know. Those two guys are so disgusting too. I tried to stay away from them for most of the night."
"That's understandable. I dont know why Oliver is friends with them."
The second bell rang signalling the start of class. Oliver walked into the room and sat down beside Alex in the back row. He flashed a perfect toothy smile over at Alex and Em. The kind of smile that could melt ice and buckle knees. The elderly physics teacher walked into the room and started teaching without much of a change in the noise level. Emily leaned across the desk to talk to Oliver.
"How'd your party go on saturday?"
"It was good, a pity you couldnt come though."
Oliver was able to flirt with anyone. It was part of the reason he was so popular, he made people feel good.
"How'd you pull up on Sunday?" asked Alex.
Oliver looked towards Alex with a slight smile on his face. His bright green eyes seemed to bore right into the back of Alex's brain.
"I had a bit of a hangover," He said, "but i can remember the whole night."
He flashed another big smile at the two of them and turned towards the front of the class. Alex turned towards the front of the class too. He wondered if Oliver really remembered everything from that night. He didnt mention them talking on the trampoline together. And he didnt say anything about them falling asleep next to each other. Alex was pretty sure they hadnt been spooning when he fell asleep. Oliver probably didnt even realise that they were spooning. He didnt mention it but surely he realised that Alex hadnt been there when he woke up. Alex was still completely lost in his thoughts when the bell rang signalling the end of class. It took a few seconds before he realised he'd daydreamed through the whole class. He picked up his books and followed Em out of the room. Alex turned briefly at the door to see Oliver in a conversation with a couple of other boys. He continued to follow Em outside of the building. She was waiting just outside.
"Are you alright?" she asked
"Yeah, i'm fine. Just thinking about some stuff."
"OK. I guess i'll see you in english this arvo"
Emily walked off towards her bag while Alex walked in another direction.
Alex heard footsteps behind him and turned to see Oliver jogging in his direction.
"Are you alright Alex?"
"yeah, why?"
"Well its just you were gone Sunday morning. And i thought i might have said or done something wrong."
Oliver looked towards his feet then back to Alex then back to his feet. Alex put his hand on Oliver's shoulder.
"Don't worry about it Oliver. I woke up and decided to go home and get some sleep in a real bed"
Alex gave Oliver a light tap in the arm.
"You were a perfect gentleman," he said with a cheeky grin.
A smile broke out onto Olivers face.

Just then they heard a call from across the school yard.
"Oliver," someone in the group of boys shouted, "what are you doing with that idiot? Hurry up"
Oliver turned to Alex and offered a half hearted smile before turning around and making his way to his friends. Alex's eyes followed him for a while before he finally turned around and made his way to his next class.

Part One

2010-07-10T09:45:00.004+10:00

This is the first part of a story i decided to write because i wanted to waste some time. I know its not brilliant or anything and i havent really edited it but i'd welcome any comments, ideas, or suggestions you have. Let me know what you think, Thanks

________________________________________________________

She pulled the stereo out at the wall, killing the music.
"It's 1.30, You're either going home or going to sleep," She yelled.
A grumble rose up from the teenagers as the spotlights were going black. Small groups of teenagers began walking down the driveway into the darkness while others made their way to the house. The music briefly started again but the stereo was quickly turned off. Alex chucked one last stick into the bonfire. watching the embers rise up into the black night sky. He stood up from his log, grabbing the can beside him. It was nearly empty. He lifted it to his lips and finished the last of the drink before throwing the empty can into the fire. He zipped his jacket all the way up, trying to keep out the winter air. He started up the path towards the road putting his hands in his pocket as he went. Pretty much everyone had disappeared by now. Alex walked past the house, avoiding shrubs that were scattered around the yard. The cool, crisp air sent a shiver down his spine. The light from the moon provided enough light for Alex to see in the darkness. Ahead of him he could see a boy walking towards the trampoline, carrying blankets and pillows.

Oliver turned around and saw Alex walking towards him. He was hunched over and his hands were pushed as far into his pockets as they could go, trying to find some warmth. Oliver threw the pillows and sleeping bag onto the trampoline and made his was towards Alex. He grabbed Alex's arm.
"Thanks for coming to my party Alex."
"Thanks for inviting me"
Alex started walking down the driveway again but Oliver stood in his way.
"Where are you going?"
"I was just going to walk home, I dont think i should stay the night."
"Dont be silly Alex, you live on the other side of town and it's nearly 2 in the morning."
Oliver grabbed Alex by the arm, pulling him towards the trampoline.
"Stay and have a talk with me, I dont think i'll be able to go to sleep yet."
Alex reluctantly agreed as Oliver jumped onto the trampoline. Oliver unrolled his sleeping bag and slid into it. He grabbed a blanket and chucked it on top of his sleeping bag before propping his head up with pillows.
"get on the trampoline Alex. I wont bite"
Alex smiled as he got on the trampoline. It sagged under his weight as he lay down. Oliver and his sleeping bag slipped towards the middle of the trampoline.
"So you're sleeping out here tonight?"
"Yeah, it's such a nice night," said Oliver, "and Kate and Mark had sex in my bed earlier."
Alex and Oliver burst into laughter.
"we have to be quiet or else my mum will come out and get up us"
Both the boys looked up into the clear night sky. The stars were out in full force. A visible shiver ran down Alex's body. Oliver noticed.
"Shit, you must be freezing. Get under the blankets"
"Don't worry about it"
"Dont be stupid"
Oliver put his hands over Alex's chest, pulling him closer. Alex tried to wriggle away but Oliver wouldn't let him. He threw the blanket on top of Alex then put his body weight onto Alex's stomach so he could unzip his sleeping bag without Alex getting away. Eventually both the boys were next to each other underneat both the blanket and the sleeping bag. Oliver lifted up alex's head and gave him a pillow.
"It wasnt that hard now was it"
"I guess not," replied Alex, "thanks for inviting me to your party tonight. I know your friends dont like me"
"They like you"
"Ahh no," said Alex, "They hate me."
Oliver looked at Alex.
"Well it was my party, and i like you, And i'm glad you came."
Alex smiled, "thanks"
The boys continued to lie next to one another. Their arms ontop of one another so they could both fit on the trampolin and under the blankets.
"So Kate and Mark huh?"
The boys let out a small laugh before continuing their conversation for about another hour before they fell asleep.

Alex woke up at dawn, the sun shining into his eyes. Oliver was spooning him under the blankets. His arm was over the top of Alex's body, holding his hand tight into his chest. Alex wriggled his hand free from Oliver's grasp. He wiped his eyes before slipping out from underneath Olivers arm. He got off the trampoline carefully, trying not to wake his sleeping buddy. Oliver rolled into the middle of the trampoline before turning back over and cuddling a pillow. Alex picked his shoes up from the damp grass and started walking down the driveway.

FML

2010-07-09T16:10:00.002+10:00

I figure i should do an update, so here goes.
I got my results back for the past semester and i did terrible. So badly in fact that i got sent an official academic warning saying that if my results dont improve i'll be kicked out. So yay me. I still have one exam to go and i'm pretty sure i'll fail that too which will ,no doubt, make me feel wonderful.
If you've been looking at my twitter you will have noticed that i've been on a couple of dates recently. And i got extremely nervous about both of them. They both seemed to go well (its the one guy). I dont want to say too much yet but its looking good.
Its amazing how quickly you can go from being happy to not happy.

Thanks to the blogs that have linked to me recently. Sorry i couldnt write something better

Confused little me

2010-06-28T08:01:00.004+10:00

Where to start. I cant remember what my last post was about, or when i actually did it. So here goes.

I have finished all my exams, for now. I missed one of them due to illness so i'm going to sit a special just before next semester starts. I'm feeling better about engineering but i dont know how i've gone on my exams. I'm hoping it's better than expected.
So i had my last exam on friday and i went from the exam room to the uni bar. It was fun until i made a fool of myself on the way home. It wasnt a pretty sight.
My wisdom teeth are still being bitches. I'm going to see the dentist tomorrow to talk about taking them out so we'll see. I cant wait to get them out even if it's going to cost me more money than i have. My tonsilitus is gone now too so thats good.
My mum came and visited the other day and she thinks i'm dying. Apparently i shake too much and i'm too skinny.I lost about 5 kilos lately, probably due to the tonsilitus, So now i weigh about 75-76kg. Just to put that into perspective, I'm 190cm tall or 6ft2.
Now onto the real drama of my life, guys. I suck at everything to do with guys. I wish my feelings could just be clear cut and instantaneous and everything would be simple. So there are 2 guys at the moment and i'm not sure how i feel about them. So the first one shall be known as the italian. He's of italian heritage and he's in his early 20's. He has a very good career and he seems really nice. The second guy shall be known as ... ummm ... the second guy cause i cant think of a name at the moment. So he's just a couple of months older than me. He's still at uni and he's studying to be a teacher. He speaks french and he seems very nice. Are we seeing a pattern here. I dont know how i feel about either of them. They've both shown some interest, the second guy more than the italian. But i have been talking to the italian for longer than the second guy. However we havent talked lately. I just dont know what to do. I havent had any interest in ages and now i get 2 at once. Yeah. Any hints for me would be muchly appreciated. I spoke to the second guy a lot today and he sent me a really wonderful message. So yeah, i'm confused at the moment.

Also you can look at my twitter if you want. There's a thing down the bottom of my blog. It's really just me saying random shit when i'm bored, or watching masterchef. Its really not that interesting but you can have a look if you want.

As always comments, etc, etc
Hope you're well

I am empty

2010-06-17T18:58:00.003+10:00

I am empty. That's me right now. Empty. I have no passion or desire or drive. I'm just empty. I have no idea what i want to do or be in life. I just dont know. I had my exam today and i was actually dreading the phone call from my mum because i knew i'd have to talk about it and i know i did badly. Its going to take a miracle for me to pass, and i've already failed this subject once. I've done nearly two and a half years of engineering and i dont even know if its what i want to do. I dont know what i want to do. I have no idea what i want my career to be. I'm just sitting here, hoping that something will happen, or somemone will say something and i'll be like "YES!! i know what i want to do now".I dont care how i do on my other exams, i really dont give a shit. I've given up.
I hate it when i have times of self doubt because i think about everything that i would change if i could. I've had a great life, dont get me wrong, but i wish i had grown up in town instead of on the farm. It would have made things easier. I could have just hung out with friends without all the planning. I could have made friends easier and been more social. I wish i had come out earlier. Accepted myself earlier and not denied it for so long. Maybe i'd have more friends if i had. I wish i hadnt started my sexual experiences in the way i did. In fact i cant think of any "relationship" stuff i'd keep if i had the opportunity. I feel like i'm missing out on something by not living at a college. Or closer to campus. I feel like i'm missing out on the social side to uni. I feel like i'm missing out because i've only ever lived with my family. I've never had that experience of living with friends and just doing random stuff because you can. I'm not really a spontaneous person. I just wish i was more fun and interesting. Like when we use to do those warm fuzzy comments i always use to get the shit ones like "good at maths" (guess thats kind of why i went into engineering) or "red hair". These non-comments that dont actually mean anything. Even my "friends" wouldnt write overly great comments. one of them wrote "my friend in maths B & C". Thats the only nice thing he could think of from the entire time we knew each other.
Even now my "friends" dont know about me. me and my friends at uni mainly talk about uni. There's nothing really social to it. and i'm probably going to change degrees at some point, maybe next semester so i'll probably never speak to them again.

I just wish i knew what i wanted to be, or what i want to do in life. I just have no passion for anything. I want something that i am passionate about. Something that's challenging and fulfilling. I want that. I just wish i knew where to find it.

Sick, Self-Loathing

2010-06-10T15:18:00.004+10:00

Blerg

So i went to the doctor today and i have tonsillitus. I'm also having problems with my wisdom teeth which freaking hurts. I'm hoping the medication for my tonsillitus helps with my wisdom tooth. And i'm hoping i'm all better by my exams. So i'm on medication for my tonsilitus and i'm taking panadol and i'm quickly working my way through throat lozenges. The doctor said i should eat healthy and maybe take some vitamin C. So i'm going to kind of listen to her and drink lots of citrus juice. I'm currently lying in bed with a massive headache so i'm probably going to go pop some more pills. I saw my friends at uni today and mentioned my sore throat. One of them was like "you know what's good for a sore throat, deepthroating" and i was like that's probably what causes it. And my friends laughed, if only they knew the truth. I'm not sure if i'll stay home tomorrow but if i do go to uni i may go a la rachel berry. Me being sick doesnt help with my study either, it hurts when i swallow (I could make jokes here :P)

I would also like to say that i have become self-loathing.
Yes, it's true, I hate my own kind.
Its developed over the past few weeks and i'd like to think it's not without reason. For some reason they just annoy the shit out of me. Yes, over the past few weeks i've developed a severe dislike for redheads. And here's why. There's this girl in one of my classes. She reminds me of princess fiona from shrek, as an ogre. And she comes across a so pretentious. She asks these stupid questions in class and the other week me and my friends were at the refec and she was at a table near us talking on her phone. And her conversation was just so stupid. Amongst other things, she was like, "i'm not feeling well because i didnt have breakfast and i'm pre-menstrual".
WTF!?!
Her conversation was loud but it wasnt quiet either. I didnt say anything to my friends cause i wasnt sure if i'd heard correctly. As we were leaving one of my friends brought it up. I was like i didnt say anything because i thought i'd hadn't heard her properly. And why would you say that to someone. Just so stupid.
Also in the same class there was this red haired guy practically dry humping his girlfriend in the row in front of us. And we were sitting pretty close to the front. I'm pretty sure he wasnt even in our class. I just dont get people that do that in lectures.
Also one of the transit officers called me ginger the other day which didnt overly please me.
And a redhead girl in the library gave me a deathstare yesterday for no apparent reason.

So there it is. I have become a self-loathing redhead.

That's all for now, I should probably try and get some rest.

P.S. Welcome back ethan, I hope things start to look up for you.
P.P.S I may or may not have joined twitter in an effort to increase procrastination. I dont think it's as bad as making youtube videos, I've thought about doing that.

My mouth tastes like purple

2010-06-07T13:49:00.002+10:00

So

ummmm

i'm in full on procrastination mode right now but i've kind of run out of things to do, hence why i'm writing this post. For some reason the internet at uni get slow around lunch time. I'm not sure why but it makes trying to watch youtube annoying. So i've watched some youtube. I've read news stories on the net. I've checked facebook. I've checked my formspring. I've checked my blog stats. I've checked my facebook. I've stalked people on twitter. I've checked my blog stats. I've watched more youtube. Do you see why i'm running out of things to do that doesnt involve study. I am at uni, sitting in the library next to a window. Looking out at the fourth floor of the engineering building. I never see anyone on the fourth floor of the engineering building. I am at uni, because i figure it's better to do nothing at uni than doing nothing at home. I really have no drive to study at the moment. Also my back is killing me and that's not helping at all. Wow, there's someone on the fourth floor of the engineering building. It's a little weird.

I've become a facebook stalker. It's terrible. This is going to sound really bad but i kind of found out the name of the cute guy in my class through facebook. I was very lucky but his profile is on private so i know his name and thats about it. Turns out he went to school with my first "boyfriend" (not sure why i wrote boyfriend like that but i seems appropriate) So i may have somehow bought up cute guy when i was talking to my first bf. He thinks he's gay but he doesnt know for sure. Apparently cute guy plays soccer, hence the well developed legs and the fact that they're shaved. We both agree that he has an amazing arse and my first bf said if i ever get a shot at it i have to let him join in. I believe his exact words were i would love to fuck his arse. He's kinda a slut (hello pot, meet kettle :P).

God my back is killing me.

ummmm

not sure what i was talking about, or where i was going with this

UMMM
I was thinking about starting a twitter but i dont know, i already waste enough time. Also i dont have a fancy phone. My phone is pre-paid and cost $59 because i only had $60 in my bank account when i bought it so i dont think you can even connect to the net with it.

uni is so different during SWOTVAC. Even though there are still a fair few people here it's weirdly quiet. Also i went to the lolly shop today and saw the cute guy that works there. They have these awesome sour watermelon things. So good.

Well i've successfully wasted your time and some of mine. If you want to help me procrastinate leave a comment or ask me a question on my formspring page or something. I will get to some study today (eventually). Bonus points if you can tell me where the title comes from.

Insert theme to Jaws

2010-06-04T17:30:00.003+10:00

I feel like i'm in the middle of the ocean just waiting to drown.

That's what my friend said about exams today and it pretty much sums up how i feel. I've all but resigned myself to failure. I feel like i have to just sit here and wait for my exams to come and there's nothing i can do to stop them, like some deep sea monster coming to eat me. It's been a shitty couple of days and i dont really see it changing. I have so much study to do and it's just not happening like i want it to. My study plan, while good in theory may not be the most practical thing. I feel like i'm banging my head against a wall. Next week is SWOTVAC so i guess i'll be able to catch up a little but i'm going to have to change my approach and i dont see things going well for me. Also i'm finding my brother and his girlfriend so annoying at the moment it's not funny.

I hope you're doing better than me

P.S. Go Sam Stosur

A Milestone

2010-05-30T16:53:00.005+10:00

So this is my hundredth post. I'm a little suprised given how little happens in my life (i think writing about eurovision is the start of my downhill slide). So i figure i should do something a little special for my hundredth post. I was going to do facts about me but i dont think i could even get 50 let alone 100. So i've decided to do a hundred things in my room. I'm going to try and stay away from some obvious things, but you'll know i'm struggling if i start counting individual pens to my list (i probably have a hundred pens in my room anyway). Also i'm cleaning my room while i write this so dont be suprised if the list lacks some sort of cohesive order.

1) Curtains. Now i know i said i'd stay away from obvious things but i'm going to put this on the list anyway. Mainly because my bedroom doesnt have a door. It has a curtain hanging in the doorway and it's not really the best option for privacy (it's a shear curtain) But it's better than nothing.
2) Australian flag cape thanks to Tooheys New
3) Whiteboard
4) Wall Calendar (#3 & 4 are meant to help me be organised)
5) Giant Poker chip (it's yellow and worth $500. It's made out of foam and i got it from the EKKA)
6) Giant red fluffy dice (also from the EKKA, what can i say, I was good at that game)
7) The Behaviour and Design of Steel Structures to AS4100 (3rd edition)
8) Soil Mechanics and Foundations (2nd edition)
9) Calculus (6th edition)
10) Reinforced Concrete Basics : Analysis and design of reinforced concrete structures
11) Thermodynamics : An engineering approach (6th edition)
12) Mechanics of Materials (7th edition)
13) Engineering Fluid Mechanics (9th edition) (In case you didnt realise items 7 to 13 are textbooks)
14) Childhood money box, currently holding 17 cents in 1 and 2 cent pieces
15) Moneybox, I actually use this one atm so i'm not sure how much is in there. It depicts the building of the ANZ headquaters in Melbourne (and i'm not even with ANZ)
16) Mouthguard, from my AFL days
17) Tape Measure
18) Swiss Army Knife
19) Mobile Phone stand ( a christmas gift from a family friend, you can put a picture in it too)
20) All 7 Harry Potter Books (none of this vampire shit :P)
21) Stress ball in the shape of a lego block
22) Stress ball in the shape of a hard hat
23) Stress ball in the shape of a construction cone
24) Stress ball in the shape of a football
25) Queensland Pride magazine, which i picked up for free from uni
26) Grass (yellow plastic) Skirt
27) Lai with shot glass attached
28) A sketch i did in 2005, It's a bit dusty and dirty because it's just been lying around. It's on a canvas though.

29) Beanie from my time at the AIS
30) Coffee Cup that i got from my highschool
31) Halogen Lamp (the light in my room is up to shit)
32) The first 3 seasons of 30 Rock on DVD
33) I'm not sure of its actual name but i got this thing from japan. It's like a head and you're meant to put a dot in it's eye (it represents a goal) and when you complete the goal you colour the rest of the eye in. I use it as a paper weight sometimes.
34) Travel Scrabble (even though it's impossible to play while traveling)
35) The Kabuki Bookmarks, also from japan. They're really nice too.
36) Don't tell mum i work on the oil rigs, She thinks i'm a piano player in a whorehouse. This is Paul Carter's autobiography and it's a brilliant book. I should read it again.
37) Punishment (Anne Holt)
38) The Storm Prophet (Hector Macdonald)
39) The Charlemagne Pursuit (Steve Berry)
40) The Secret Cardinal (Tom Grace)
41) The Last Assassin (Barry Eisler)
42) The Lost Symbol (Dan Brown) This one was a gift, I probably wouldn't have bought it.
43) Christopher's Ghosts (Charles McCarry) I really dislike the ending to this book.
44) Uncollected (Paul Jennings)
45) The Arthur Triology by Kevin Crossley-Holland
46) Mortal Engines (Philip Reeve)
47) Books By Daniel Silva, I currently have 7
48) Batman Alarm Clock. My sister gave this to me the other week because she wanted to get rid of it. I need to buy batteries for it.
49) My old school Sony clock radio. It's pretty good
50) Soap on a Rope. I won this playing Golf a while back, hence why it's in the shape of a golfball. I cant bring myself to use it.
51) Red Glitter
52) 3D Glasses
53) Keyrings. I have so many keyrings it is not funny. I think i have 13+ different keyrings. It's quite a collection.
54) Layards. I have a lot of lanyards too. I dont know where they all came from. Well i do but i dont know why i still have them, sentimental reasons i guess.
55) The Chasers War on Everything DVD, episode 1 to 13 of season 1
56) Napolean Dynamite
57) Ace Ventura Pet Detective
58) Ace Ventura When Nature Calls
59) Shaun of the Dead
60) Meet the Parents and Meet the Fockers box set
61) IronMan
62) Stewie Griffin : The Untold Story
63) Batman Begins
64) The Dark Knight
65) Bad Ass Comedy Pack (pineapple express, superbad, step brothers)
66) Hot Fuzz
67) Pineapple Express (yes i have 2 copies, no i dont like it that much)
68) Semi-pro
69) Blades of Glory
70) Burn After Reading
71) Idiocracy
72) The House Bunny
73) Lock, Stock and two smoking barrels
74) Borat
75) Bad Santa
76) Dodgeball
77) Psycho (the hitchcock one)
78) Sunscreen (handily attached to a dog clip)
79) First Aid Kit (also handily attached to a dog clip, it's a small first aid kit)
80) Card and Dice Games (N.A.C. Bathe)
81) A tap (that's right, just a tap. It's not attached to the wall or anything. It's just a tap currently sitting on the end of my bed. It's not usually in my room.)
82) Butter Menthols
83) My old jogproof CD walkman
84) My friends tennis racquet.
85) Paintings. I have two paintings in my room that i did recently. I'm not going to show them though because they didnt turn out like i wanted.
86) Paint ( i only have the basic colours)
87) Paint brushes. I have 4 different ones
88) 1 Blank canvas (it's not a big one though).
89) German notes (my mum gave me these today. I guess i'll try and start learning german after my exams)
90) Old Birthday/Christmas cards (can you tell i'm starting to struggle).
91) The invitation to my senior formal
92) Post-it-notes, a lot of post it notes
93) Pedestal Fan
94) My old mp3 player
95) My watch (which i always forget to put on)
96) Pens, I have over 40 different ones
97) So Fresh ; the hits of summer 2007 plus the best of 2006 (disc one). I never really bought CD's
98) Adult stuff ;)
99) Free Diary from uni, which i always get with the intention of using but it never happens.
100) HOT NAKED MEN(I wish)
100) Photos of me. I have 6 photos and all of them were taken on the night of my formal.

So there it is, my hundredth post. A big thank you to all my followers and anyone that has read my blog. According to my analytics my blog has been viewed in over 43 countries (just over 40% of the views are from USA). I've also answered about 30 questions on formspring. I love answering questions (hint hint) so you can head over there and ask me some more if you want and read all my answers to the questions i've been asked so far.
A couple of things that i learnt while writing this post. I'm a little disappointed in the books i have given how much i love reading. I wish i had more and i wish i had more of my favourites there. I do have some more books but i would really like a whole library (sort of). The same deal with my dvd's too. I love movies. Also i guess i unofficially collect keyrings even though i dont buy any.
As always i welcome any comments or suggestions you have. I hope everyone is good and i hope i didn't annoy anyone too much with my talking about eurovision. I think i might have.

I could be having my stomach pumped at the moment : Eurovision part 2

2010-05-29T21:33:00.004+10:00

...

A trio of women from croatia. They're just sitting on a park bench in their fancy dresses. What's with the short dresses with trains. Can you tell i know nothing about fashion. I'm really not sure if i like this song. And why did they have to bring out thiose back up dancers. and the wind machine is on again. WTF the dancers are throwing stuff at them. LOL, PhD just called them craotian milfs singing rock ballads (we're talking online).

And another female. This time from georgia. With shirtless male dancers. These ones dont look that good though. And they're wearing mascara for some odd reasaon. like lots of dark eye makeup.Wind machines and a money note and a key change all at once. And pyrotechnics. Thank god i'm not drinking.

Final song for the night from turkey. An emo rock band. Actually i think they're more goth. They've got some weird robot back-up dancer. A female robot apparently. Who is amputating her robot lobster arms with a grinder. I'm not joking. They've got pyrotechnics and everything. It was alright.

Lol. The host just said thank you churkey. I'll be alright as long as the netherlands or slovenia dont get through. They're recaping. I like lithuania. I've just realised the israel guy was showing some serious man cleavage. They must waste a lot of energy on that wind machine. Actually i dont like switzerland either. Swedens a maybe. I like this song from cyprus more now. Georgia was quite good too.

Omg they're doing a medley of the worst songs of eurovision. God some of them are bad. I'm liking armenia's song more and more and i dont think i want to. and i dont mind romania either. I really cant hear that song from the netherlangs again. I really dont like it. Hmmm the chick from azerbaijan is only 17. Countdown time. Voting is closed. Yayy. I'm really not that excited.

WTF is this. There's like some weird beiber-esque kid and all these people making weird noses. I'm so confused right now. And now they're hip hop dancing. W T F

And now they're talking to fans from australia. geez. The australian guy just called the netherlands song very special. LOL.

And now they're reading the results. Georgia makes it through. Ukraine gets through too. Gee they like to draw it out. Turkey. A little bit of a suprise. I guess they werent terrible. Israel makes it through :D . Ireland gets through. Not sure i would have picked them. Cyprus makes it through even though i dont think any of them are from cyprus. Azerbaijan gets through. Only three more countries get through. Romania. I like that song a bit. How the fuck did armenia get through. I really hope lithuania gets through. :( Denmark makes it through. Oh well i guess i'll have to watch the finals. Which i think is tomorrow night. I'm a little disappointed at the moment.

I think i might watch the movie that's on next. It's about bettie page.

If only i was drinking : Eurovision Part One

2010-05-29T19:38:00.006+10:00

So welcome to another boring look at my boring life. As per usual i am sitting at home, alone on saturday night. Apparently my friends are all drunk at the moment, but i wouldnt know for sure seeing as i havent got replies to my texts. An invitation would have been nice even if i cant really go. I'm going to see my sister tomorrow and the rest of my family will be there so i have to leave pretty early in the morning.

So at the moment i am watching eurovision (semi final 2) and i'm incredibly bored so i'll probably just talk about that for a while (no iron chef this week either). I hate these hosts already. But julia zemiro is fun.

First up tonight is lithuania. They're playing air instruments. lol. Ok so the song is pretty good but their perfomance is pretty funny. And what the hell are they wearing. LOL. they just pulled off their pants and they are wearing silver hot pants. So funny

I should really do my eurovision drinking game from last week.

And here's armenia, making sure she's showing lots of cleavage. Pyrotechnics. And more pyrotechnics. I dont like this song. Who names a song apricot stone. And whats with that weird dancer. and more pyrotechnics. Geez her hair is long. And there's a money note and a key change. I could be totally smashed right now if i was doing that drinking game. Ahh the apricot is the national fruit of armenia. That makes a little sense then.

Israel, and the song is called words. He's pretty cute. For some reason that suprioses me. He's singing in hebrew and sounds pretty good. I cant understand any of it though. Money note. This guy is welcome in my bed anytime. and another money note. He was pretty good.

And now for denmark, apparently singing a break-up song. This song sounds really familiar. They sound pretty good. The guy reminds me of bon jovi. Actually he reminds me a little of the guy from aerosmith (who's name completely escapes me now). And there's a key change. I could be vomitting in the toilet by now. And a wind machine.

And now some guy from switzerland. He looks pretty gay. His haircut is similar to the cute guy in my structural lectures. Pyrotechnics again. I should say the cute guys hair is more longer and a little different but you get the idea. More pyrotechnics. Whats with those weird back up singers. And more pyrotechnics and a wind machine. And more pyrotechnics. That wasnt so great.

They're showing that israeli guy again. He's stunnning. And one of the lithunia guys is pretty hot too.

And now for sweden. She reminds me of taylor swift a little. That guitar looks huge. Where the fuck did the guitar go. It just disappeared. And now the wind machine is going and we get a key change. Is she wearing converse shoes. You think she'd get a little more dressed up. Ok so the song is pretty good.

And now for azerbaijan. WTF is she wearing. it's like a mini with a train or something. And she's got a glove, a la mj. Drip drop drip drop. The male dancer looks ok i guess. Wind machine, and she's on her knees. And her dress lights up.

Ukraine now. She's dot a hood on. She looks weird. And sounds pretty different. Crank up the wind machine. So i'm pretty sure her dress is see through. I actually dont mind this song. That was pretty tame for eurovision.

And now for the netherlands, with a song written by papa smurf. I'm not kidding you. Holy Shit. I dont even know how to describe this. I'm literally lost for words. If it ends up on youtube you have to watch it cause i dont know what to say. It kind of reminds me of the circus (even though i've never been)

And now back to the dodgy hosts. Lol. thanks norwegian josh thomas.

Dueling pianos with romania. The song is called playing with fire. So of course we start with pyrotechnics. They're not even proper pianos. I think i like this song, Should i be ashamed. What the hell are the backup singers wearing. That was a really high note. And there's the wind machine.

And now for slovenia with popular folk rock apparently. WTF!?! Its like they put 2 completely different songs together. They cant possibly get through. I dont think i've ever seen an electric guitar and an accordian played next to one another. The rock guy is channelling bon jovi a bit too.

Hmmm. Ireland with a previous winner. Apparently she's not feeling well. This chick is pretty good. The song is a little slow for me but it's still good.

Bulgaria now. i can tell this is going to be proper eurovision before it even starts. And i was right. He has angels. And buff male dancers. They look like they're wearing glad wrap. Ahh. White clothes and weird dancers. It's like textbook eurovision.

Cyprus. Jon lillygreen looks cute, and he's only 22. Although i still prefer israel. This song is nice. And there's a money note. Ok so the guy is actually welsh but he's singing for cyprus because of some rule they have.

I love this boost ad. Tickle me silly love biscuit.

I've just realised how long this post would be so i've decided to split it.

To be continued ...

Dont read this, it's not worth your time

2010-05-27T09:58:00.005+10:00

So i'm currently sitting in my geotech lecture waiting for it to start. Right at the back so i can escape if i get too bored but i'm going to try and sit through the whole two hour lecture. I figure i should do a whole lecture before the end of semester. So Queensland won last night. Like we knew they would. Game 2 is in three weeks and will be in brissie so hopefully they can wrap up the series. I wont be going to the game because tickets sell out in like half an hour or something ridiculous. I'm going to be playing tennis tomorrow with some friends from uni. Apparently court hire is free for a couple of hours or something. It's been ages since i've played tennis. I dont even have my tennis racquet in brisbane so i guess i'll have to hire one. I've found a great new way to procrastinate. There's this game called qilox. It kinda reminds me of pacman, i'm not sure why. Everyone should play it, it's a little addictive. We're 15 minutes in and we still havent started the lecture. We're filling out TEVAL's but i havent really been to enough lectures so i'm not going to do one.

So we're learning about landslides and stress in retaining walls. If i keep commenting on the lecture i'm pretty sure the only person that'll understand it is charlie. Although he's much smarter than me. So we're talking about water levels in soil and capillary forces and water pressure, etc. But be the great multi-tasker that i am, i just set a new high score on qilox.

Ok so this pretty attractive just walked in late and sat right next to me. I pretty sure he cant read this. Which is good cause i'd probably die if he did.

And now we're learning the bishop method. Seems interesting. Calculates the safety with the equilibrium of the moment and because Pi (that's P subscript i not 3.14) goes through the centre of the circle it doesnt contribute to the moment.

I have lots of study to do before my exams. And now it's time for a break. I really need to stop procrastinating. I'm pretty sure i procrastinate my procrastination. Thats how much i've been procrastinating lately. I've just been lacking a lot of focus.

I should probably go because my friend is heading my way. Sorry if you read this crap

QUEENSLANDER!!

2010-05-26T11:58:00.002+10:00

So it's hot guy day at uni today. For some reason there always seems to be more hot guys on wednesdays, i dont know why. I had a structural lecture today. Had a quick look at the cute guy in my class. He had a haircut, but his hair still looks quite gay. And he was sitting with all those girls again. He has way to many female friends to be a straight engineering student (does that make me sound stalkerish). Still havent spoken to him and i dont really plan to. I have an assignment due at 4 this arvo which i had completely forgetten about and therefore havent started. It's a participation kinda thing so i'll chuck something together and hand it in.

Tonight is state of origin and we all know queensland will win, again. They're going for 5 straight series in a row which has never been done and lets face, NSW has nothing. Although they might be a dud or two in the maroons they're still going to beat the blues. On another note, former sexiest man in league matt ballin is making his debut for queensland tonight. So not only do we have the best team but we have the best looking team too. I'll probably be at home watching the game by myself (not in 3D either). I think my brother is going to his friends place and i have no idea what his gf is doing. So yeah. Guess i should start this assignment.

P.S. State of origin is rugby league and it's kinda a big deal

Bigger than the money

2010-05-25T17:56:00.001+10:00

I stayed home from uni today because i'm pretty sure i have the flu. My brother is being a massive bitch. My mum is worried about me and i'm pretty sure i'm going to fail all of my exams.

And now to reply to a comment on my last post. Manhunt is scary. And gay people wonder why they get stereotyped as sluts. I've had so many offers for sex it's not funny. However i'm respecting myself and i've decided to block the guys that just want sex. Hopefully i'll come across some guys that dont imediately talk about sex. I know manhunt isnt the ideal place to meet friends but i know there are some good guys out there and it's all i can deal with at the moment

I'm Sorry, I Really Am

2010-05-22T20:44:00.005+10:00

I'm so fucking bored at the moment. And just so you know i'm telling the truth. It's currently 8.45 on saturday night and i'm watching a history of eurovision. A history of fucking eurovision. Where the fuck is my ironchef, it's like the only reason i watch sbs. Well that and the softcore porn (if you live in australia you'll know what i mean). Anyway, thats my little rant.

Ummm. I've decided i need to wank more because it will lessen my chances of making bad/rash decisions

I have to interupt this to say WHAT THE FUCK. They have Les Murray singing a song in italian. He's a fucking football (soccer) commentator. OK so he wasnt half bad but what the fuck is with this show. I want my iron chef. I like reading subtitles on a saturday night.

Sorry for the rant.
Ummm. More wanking.
My new housemate has already moved out

Oh. Eurovision drinking game
drink if the singer winks
drink if the singer drops to their knees
drink if the singer shows partial nudity (abs, lots of leg, etc)
drink if a wind machine is used
drink for a key change
skull for a money note (like the big long note)
skull for pyrotechnics
there were some others i missed

ok it's an ad break.
So i'm going to wank more
umm. back to 3 people living in my house
There's a guy that works at the engineering library that reminds me of norman bates. it's freaky.

I cant believe they have bjorn again on. Actually i'm pretty sure you can bet on eurovision. Apparently germany, armenia, slovakia and latvia are looking good

God some of these songs are crap. Although some pretty interesting stories. One portugese song in the 70's was used as a sign to start a political coup, apparently. And riverdance got big after being there.

Oh Adam Richard. Such a flaming queen. Still fun though. Hey Hey it's Slutterday

jesus christ. What was celine dion thinking. I dont know if its on youtube but go look at her perfomance. I dont know what to say

God eurovision is gay

god this song is bad (greece 2002)

Apparently a transexual from israel won one year. who knew

holy shit is that a man or a woman . what were you thinking serbia. I think it's a man

at least there are hot male dancers. I want the one on the end (the younger one).

OK.
I would sincerely like to apologise if you read this. I told you i was bored and you've just wasting your time reading this (but i did apologise in advance). At least if you get bored in a weeks time you'll have a drinking game, although you'll probably be drunk by the end of the first song

So the singer is actually from australia but she was singing for england back in the day

Photodissociation and Photoionization

2010-05-20T10:55:00.003+10:00

Photoelectrochemical processes usually involve transforming light into other forms of energy. These processes apply to photochemistry, optically pumped lasers, sensitized solar cells, luminescence, and the effect of reversible change of color upon exposure to light.

The title of this post is taken from a book i am sitting next to in the library and the definition comes from wikipedia. I really know very little (none) about these two processes but i thought it was kinda interesting. Not exactly a light reading book.

So at the moment i am sitting in the library and the library is trying to give me frostbite. Seriously, i dont know what it is but the library is always freezing cold, even in summer. And we're coming into winter now which makes it even worse (although it's a really nice day today).

I know my last couple of posts have been boring but that's what you get when you have a boring life like me. Here are some little tidbits from my day

I got my first offer for money on manhunt since i signed back up. I politely declined. I'm a high class escort, for politicians and athletes :P

Some other guy wanted me to fuck him. I politely declined that offer too. Although being tall is good, apparently.

There's an attractive guy that works in the lolly shop at uni (just so you know)

I couldnt stop looking at the cute guy in my struct lecture today (i've talked about him before). I dont think i was too obvious and he was on the other side of the lecture hall. Although i did see him close up outside after the lecture. His arse looks phenomenal (i only looked briefly, i swear).

I'm beginning to like the drunken noodle at uni less and less. They stuffed up more order yet again. I'm pretty sure they've got it wrong more times than they've got it right. Although i did get a really nice chicken roll from there today so i might just go there for them from now on.

Me and my friend were listening to his ipod during our rather boring 2 hour lecture (the same one with the cute guy, who was in a yellow shirt today, so i sound more stalker like). Back to the ipod. Let's just say i havent heard S Club 7, Shania Twain, Beastie Boys, Aqua, Cher, Ace of Base or Status Quo for quite a while.I think we may have annoyed our third friend a bit.

I passed both my mid-semester tests with varying degrees of success. It doesnt make me any more confident with my finals though. What kind of idiot decides a final worth 70% is a good idea, let alone four around that same size.

For some reason this song was in my head all morning

I've also realised that i'm nearing my hundredth post so that'll be coming in the near future. I'll have to think of a good way to celebrate, something interesting to post anyway.

UMMM hope everything is well with you

my return

2010-05-18T13:49:00.004+10:00

I'd just like to say what a wonderful job i have done at procrastinating today. Well i still am procrastinating, otherwise i probably wouldnt be writing this. Not that i havent tried to study, i have. It's just that my lecturer has one of these voices that makes you want to sleep. It must be his accent or something. At least i know if i ever suffer from insomnia i'll be able to go to sleep.

So i was up at 5 this morning and my day at uni was meant to start at 8. Although my day at uni didnt start at all (there were legitiment reasons). But i only had 2 lectures today so i'll watch the recording of them when my focus returns to me. That being said it is one month until my exams. That's not a lot of time.

Also i have rejoined manhunt. Probably not the best idea in the world but i figure i can handle it better than last time. Also i think that i really do need some gay friends. People that i can hang out with and be myself and be comfortable. I'm not going to be doing random hookups or anything. I'm definately sticking to my no action unless i have a bf thing.

As for the coming out drama from my last couple of posts. Ummmm. I've decided i'm not going to lie. Not that i have been, but i havent exactly been open. So if someone asks me if i'm gay i'll tell them. I guess if i do need to tell someone i could tell my friend (the one on my side in our pizza discussion the other night ). He's quite vocal about his opinions and supports gay marriage and everything so i think he'll be fine with it.

So for wasting your time if you read this post

Can you be happy and sad at the same time?

2010-05-15T18:37:00.003+10:00

Two things before i start my proper post
1 - Jessica Watson is amazing, i nearly cried when she got off the boat. I only hope i can fulfil some of my dreams.
2 - One of my brothers friends is going to be moving in with us. It was kind of a last minute thing but i dont think there will be any problems. I kinda know him but not really so we'll see.

Now for why i'm writing
I've spent far too long sitting in my thinking corner today (that would be the shower, for the uninitiated). Unfortunately i didnt come to any real conclusions. I was thinking about my "friends" and coming out. Umm yeah, probably not the best thing to be thinking about, i'm probably going to drive myself crazy. Where to start. I guess i think of myself as being out, but at the same time i'm not (if that makes any sense). So far i have told my four siblings and my mum and james. So i have come out to 6 people, well thats not really true. I have come out to other people but they were guys i've met on the net so it came with the assumption of liking guys. So i came out to them but i dont think that counts, it wasnt a big deal and they already knew i liked guys. Also a lot more people i havent come out to know i'm gay. Like my mum told my dad as well as one of her oldest best friend, who then would have told her two best friends, i'm assuming (her two best friends are a gay couple). My older brother told his gf (who i'm assuming has told some other people). He has also told one of his closest friends (i've only recently found this out) apparently his friend replied by saying is that meant to be news? Maybe i do give off a big gay vibe. My sister told her financial spouse (her boyfriend). I'm assuming his family knows to due to the fact that his sister is a lesbian, apparently. Also i'm pretty sure my old housemate knows. As for james i dont know if he's told anyone and i dont really care. And that's just it, i dont really care if anyone knows i'm gay but at the same time i do. I think it's the actual coming out i'm scared of. Like how to actually do it. I've gone over a million different scenarios in my head and none of them turn out well for me. i'm just worried about my uni friends. I mean i still have about 2 years of uni left and i see this same small group of people everyday. i really dont see it turning out well for me. I'm sure some of them will be fine with it but others wont and i figure that that will put me on the outer. I mean i was sort of last to join the group and i hear less than brilliant words reffering to gays and i just dont know. I know i shoudnt care about what people think about me but i cant help it.
My latest idea for coming out is to make a short youtube video saying i'm gay than post the link on facebook (i'm pretty sure i've seen every coming out story that is on youtube). I dont know if that's the best thing to do though. It's just another idea to add to my list which will probably never get used. I just ... This is meant to be the happiest time of my life and i cant even be completely honest with myself. I dont know how these young teenagers coming out on youtube can be so sure of themselves.

I need new friends

2010-05-13T19:15:00.003+10:00

So today i felt as if i suffered a bit of a setback. Earlier this evening me and a few friends went and got some pizza from the pizza caffe at uni. We got to talking about politics (no one wants tony abbot to be prime minister) which lead us to talk about gay marriage. To cut a long story short two of my friends are very anti-gay. One more so than the other but it's still not good. They compared homosexuality to beastiality and peadophillia. I asked when they chose to be straight and on of them said i was born that way, normal. So they think it's unnatural which isnt great for me. One of them is all for gay marriage so thats alright but the other two arent. I guess i wont be coming out for a while yet.

:(

D&M : An Abridged Version

2010-05-11T16:56:00.005+10:00

This past weekend was mothers day so i went home for the weekend. I had a great time and my weekend included an unexpected d&m (deep and meaningful) with my mum and sister on Saturday night. I started writing a full recount but i got over it so I'm going to do an abridged version. Mainly because my memory isn't brilliant and i tried telling this story to charlie and did a terrible job at it.

SO, here are all the important points from my deep and meaningful with my mum and sister.

As always we start with my mum talking about me being unhappy, having no social life and doing badly at uni (in her opinion). She thinks i should change degrees and mentions environmental engineering and (surprise, surprise) town planning, for the millionth time. My sister recommends environmental science cause one of her friends is doing it and it's really easy and you get paid shitloads (my words not hers). I politely tell my mum I'm never going to do town planning and while I've so far enjoyed my environmental courses i don't want to do environmental engineering because 1) i don't think my uni offers it and 2) i feel it will be restrictive and if i do civil i can move in lots of different directions. My mum tells me some story about how my sister hated uni for ages but one day she rang her up and said i know this is what i want to do and she says all she ever gets me to say about uni is "its alright".

My perfectionist sister talked about her "mini breakdown" she had the other day and after that she decided to write a to do list of things she wants to do (obviously). Some of hers matched up with things i want to do so here is my list;
1) I wish i could speak a second language. Me and my sister have decided to try and learn German. We chose German cause we've both learnt a bit before (although she's much better than me) and i figured it would be easier to learn a language based on the alphabet instead of something like japanese or mandarin where we'd have to learn completely new characters.
2) I really want to buy the complete tomorrow, when the war began series by john marsden (I dont really have time to read them at the moment but i still want to buy them, something to do on the holidays).
3) Get back into my art. When i was younger i use to love painting and drawing. I may not be brilliant but it was fun so i might go and buy a canvas some time soon. Cause it's good to have a hobby.
4) My sister mentioned something about going to a cooking class and i mentioned that i was thinking of buying a cookbook seeing as the masterchef one i have is up to shite. They're kinda the same right?
5) Travel around the world
I think that is the end of my list. My sister had more but i think 5 is good enough for me. So that little conversation led to my mum and her "to do" list. My sister mentioned how my mum use to write all these funny little short stories. And my mum says when we were younger she really wanted to replace pat mcdermott?? from the womans weekly (womans weekly is a magazine and that woman has a column where she writes about funny things that happen to her family, she has 5 kids just like my mum) and that she has always wanted to write a book. She told us her ideas for her book including the pseudonym she would write under (it was kinda obvious but a little funny). My mum then mentions that lately she has been thinking about writing a book about me, my life from her perspective. This makes my sister cry and she says that she would be so proud if my mum actually did this. This makes my mum tear up a bit and my mum says she'd write books about all of the kids. I say but mine would be first and that's all that matters (its a joke). To be honest it did make me well up a little and she had a title for it and everything. We both told my mum she should write a book if that's what she wants to do. She works far too much and hates her job and has lots of holidays owing so she could do it. My mum says she wouldn't know where to start if she were to write a book about me. I say how about you start with the story of how i use to reming you of my dad's dad when you use to nurse me to sleep at night (he died unexpectedly from a brain aneurysm in his forties, before my parents were even married). I tried to tell the story to charlie but i did a terrible job at it so i wont repeat it here. My mum didn't know i knew this story but i overheard her telling one of her friends on the phone one day (not sure how that topic came up). So my mum tells the story to my sister. She also talks about my birth and how different it was from my siblings and she almost gave birth to me on the floor because she didn't know she was in labor with me and i was such a placid baby. She also talks about how i use to have tantrums when i was about 2 where i would sit at the end of the hallway and just hold my breath until i turned blue. I kinda gave my mum a hard time. This then leads to me talking about her father. I mention that i know that i remind her of him and i say the only thing i know about your dad is in primary school i had to do a family tree and you told me to put him as deceased (my mums dad isn't talked about in my family, ever, hence why i think me looking like him isn't a good thing). My mum tells me she hates family trees. My sister says did you think he was dead all this time. I say i suspected he was alive but i don't know. My mum says he is deceased. I then ask her if he is dead. She says no. I then ask if she and her brother are full siblings or only half siblings because for a number of years i have suspected that they were only half siblings because one Christmas my mum said something about her brothers dad being there. And me being younger got a little confused seeing as my mum said her dad was dead. I should point out that i have only ever known my grandmother as a single woman. So it turns out one of my grandfathers is still alive.

We also talked about my sexuality. My sister asked me what my type was. My response was old guys with grey hair, around the age of sixty. Then i was like i don't know, i guess it depends on my mood. then my mum and my sister were like who do you think is hot and they were naming people like hugh jackman and paul mcdermott and I'm like i don't know, why are you picking old guys. And my sister was like well we watched the logies the other day, name a young actor you think is hot. I had real trouble thinking of one but eventually I'm like, i guess lincoln lewis is alright. And my sister was like so you like the buff surfie type. Can you tell it was incredibly awkward for me. Something about being around my mum and my sister stifled my homosexual desires. My mum also asked if i was bi and i said i dont know. Then we got to talking about my sex life, which was incredibly awkward. I was just staring at my game of freecell on the laptop the entire time (i won three games so yay for me). I told a little lie and said i had only been with 3 guys. I told her about my first boyfriend, honestly. Saying that we went out for about a month (boyfriends for all of 2 weeks) And we did things but not full blown sex. She was disappointed in me. Disappointed that i didnt wait longer. My sister told me that mum was disappointed that she didnt wait longer with her boyfriend (they've been together for over 6 years now). They kept asking about the other 2 guys but i didnt say anything and my sister realised it was awkward for me so we moved on. I actually think this bit came before the bit about the to do list but i cant really remember. Also my littlest brother (he's nearly 12) was around for a bit of this but i think he left before we talked about my sex life.

Somewhere in here we talked about me moving out of home (in brisbane) as well (i've never lived with anyone who wasnt family and i wouldnt mind experiencing it at some point) and the fact that my brother is annoyed with me because i dont have a job even though i probably spend more time on my studies then he does at work.

So that was my d&m with the females of my family. Given the length of this abridged post i bet you're glad i didnt do a detailed one. What can i say, it was a long talk. If you want to say anything leave a comment.

P.S. my mum talked to me a bit sunday morning and said she was reading about drop out and failure rates for engineering and she said i was doing really well and she was proud of me but i should try to have more fun. I also noticed she started writing the story she wanted to but i didnt read because she said not too.

Big Jet Plane

2010-05-07T12:50:00.000+10:00

My life is pretty boring at the moment so here's a video. I really like this song.

its all over, for now

2010-04-30T19:33:00.006+10:00

Lets start off with my thought of the year (i heard it somewhere but i cant remember where).

Those that mind, dont matter.
Those that matter, dont mind.

Can i just say, i'm so glad this week is over. I've spent far to much time at uni this week and all my mid-semester exams are finally over. Thank god. I've spent the past six hours at the uni pub and i've had a little bit to drink so i should sleep well. OK, i've had a fair bit to drink, but i can handle my liquor so i dont feel to bad. So i'll finally get a good nights sleep.

Hope everyone is alright. I really like answering questions so head over to my formspring thing (link on the side). Leave a comment if you want to or whatever.

P.S. Here's a video

ANZAC Day

2010-04-25T12:38:00.002+10:00

They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, or the years contemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them

Lest we forget

So the 25th of April is a big day in Australia and New Zealand and many other countries around the world. In australia it is a day to celebrate our diggers (war veterans) and current serviceman and women. The 25 of april was the date when the ANZAC's landed at gallipoli in world war 1.

Today if one of the first years where i havent been to an anzac day service. It's a little sad for me. Usually i would attend a service, i've presented wreaths at services and i was even a flag bearer for one service but this year i am in brisbane instead of at home. So i am watching the gallipoli dawn service on TV. I must say Quentin Bryce gave a wonderful speech at gallipoli and i would really like to go to the gallipoli dawn service one year.

I'm going to fail, again

2010-04-21T14:40:00.004+10:00

I feel like my head is about to explode. My back is killing me, i cant concentrate, i cant think.
I'm going to fail this exam tomorrow, for the second time. I just cant do it. I know i need to calm down and relax but i cant.

Fuck, i need a distraction

here are some answers from my formspring. I answered one question today and now i have nothing else to distract me :(

The question i answered today asked my major. I'm doing a bachelor of engineering majoring in civil.

Here are some old questions i've answered.

Now that you've deleted your MH profile, are you finding that you're finding more quality dates?
I havent had any dates since i deleted manhunt. I dont think i'll be getting any dates any time soon but i'll let you know if i do.

Hey buddy, I just noticed I haven't asked a question in awhile, so here goes... What does it take to get you to go on a date with me? Should I just ask, email you, IM you or wait for you to make the first move?
Just ask (email and IM are fine too). I'm terrible at making the first move

have you had a one night stand and is there any bloggers you would have a one night stand with
Yes i have had one night stands but i dont want to do that any more. And if i had to choose a blooger to have a one night stand with i guess i'd have to go with Charlie from Cool Charlie Loves His Life. I dont really know that many bloggers.

If you want to see more just click the link to the side. I'll probably still be in the library feeling like i want to cry.

Uni Sucks

2010-04-20T12:47:00.003+10:00

Uni is so crappy at the moment and i'm over it. I have an assignment due wednesday, a test on thursday, and another 3 assignments on friday. GAHHH!!!

In other news i have old english cheese and pickles on my subway (i dont normally) and i liked it. Also i think i saw Ed, my fellow brisbane blogger, but i dont think he saw me. I've also taken to sketching people in my classes when i'm bored. Apparently i go alright.

I hope your day is going better than mine

Love Lost and others

2010-04-17T22:35:00.004+10:00

So we're going to start off with a bit of a movie trailer. The movie is called Tomorrow, When The War Began. Now i'm excited for this movie because it is based on some of my favourite books of all time. Go read the whole series if you have the chance (i think there are 7 books) because they are brilliant. After reading these books i briefly entertained an idea of being a writer (i still kinda do). So i'm really hoping this movie is good and doesnt deviate from the book to much. The basic idea is a group of teenagers come back from a camping trip and find that australia has been invaded so they become guerilla soldiers. That really doesnt do the books justice because they are so much better than that. Anyways, here it is.

And now for some music. I couldnt get all the songs i wanted (friend in the field by art vs science) but i do like all of these songs. And yes i know some of them are a bit old. Some of them have really great film clips too.

And finally a clip from one of the greastest bands. Powderfinger announced there split recently and they are such a great band and from brissie too. Here is one of there recent songs.

Rambling Romantic Rooster

2010-04-16T06:04:00.007+10:00

So it's been about a week since i posted and it's been a bit of a rollercoaster for me. I'll try to tell you everything that's been happening so i might ramble a bit in this post.

So last saturday i went out clubbing with some friends and some people i kinda know but not really. It was the first time i had seen james since my coming out to him. So i went over to this girls (friend of a friend) house for pre-drinks with everyone. After a while we caught a cab into the valley and we went to The Family. It was my first time going there and i was suprised i got in. It's a pretty nice club but it was kinda dead. I managed to dance up a bit of a storm, badly, but it was fun. After a while we left and went to possibly the best club in the entire of brisbane, The Embassy. Ok so that last thing was a personal opinion but it is a favourite of me and my friends and we usually end up in there at some point of the night if we go out clubbing, even if we dont plan to or say we wont. Also when i use to go out on friday night they had $10 jugs of cocktails which probably explains my fondness for a fruit tingle. Also i love fruit tingles (the fizzy lollies). WOW. So i got a bit sidetracked there but to cut a long story short i went out, had a good time and my sexuality wasnt mentioned once and james seemed fine with me.

So on sunday i woke up early as usual and kinda lazed around a bit and it was very relaxing. Also i dont really get hangovers so that is good.

So i'm not sure if you know this but i am a hopeless romantic. I am a huge romantic even though i dont really have any romance in my life. If you've been reading dans blog (Daily Dan, there should be a link on the side) lately you'll know what i mean when i say i wish something like that would happen to me. It just sounds so great and amazing and i wish him all the best. Also i saw this video on sunday afternoon i think and i thought it was so sweet and it made me well up a little and i wish something like this would happen to me.

Now i have to admit that i dont watch ugly betty. Actually i dont even know if they show it on tv anymore. They use to show it on channel 7 but i havent heard about it for a while.

Anyway, at the start of the week i was feeling depressed. It sounds so silly now. I was having problems with my mum again which seem to have cooled off for now but we'll see. Also i was having a bit of trouble with being single. I know it's stupid but i just want someone to want to be with me. Not just for sex and that. I just want some guy to wrap his arms around me and hold me and want me for me. I know it sounds corny but i've never really had that. I dont need a boyfriend but i think it would be nice.

So i've had uni this week and a fair few assignments and want not. And i've got exams coming up. At least i dont have to worry about work now. so normally i would have worked tuesday afternoon but seeing as i quit i had it off. Lately i have been thinking about going to the queer room at uni (it's actually called the queer room). Anyway, it's just a room for gay, lesbian , bi, trans, etc, etc students
and i think it's where the gay support group meets (or whatever they're called). So i decided that i would go and have a look on tuesday. I was so nervous it felt like my first time going gay clubbing all over again (my heart was beating so fast and that was just at the thought of going). So i walked up the stairs to the room. And i got to the top. And i turned around and walked back down. I chickened out and walked back down the stairs. It was just a room and i couldnt even go in. so i went back to the enginnering library and sat on the gound and hid in my little corner. I just couldnt do it.

Hmmmmm. What else has been happening.
I went to the indian returant down the road with my older brother and his gf the other night. It was my first time there and it tasted really good. However, i dont think i'll be eating indian again. Lets just say i dont think my toilet would appreciate it.

I got a nice message from james the other night saying it was good to see me on the weekend. I'll probably see him at some point this weekend.

My league team lost tonight which sucked but they're still towards the top of the ladder. They've won 4 out of the 6 games this season so hopefully they can keep it up and make the finals. At least they're doing better than the other queensland teams.

A big shout out to princess cause he's awesome.

I heard this song on the radio for the first time in a whil the other day and i remembered how much i liked it, actually how much i like most of her songs. Give it a listen. I think it's pretty good.

Actually i've been hearing a lot of good music lately so i might need to do another music post. Yves Klein Blue, Temper Trap, Bluejuice, Art vs Science and as much as i dont want to admit it i kinda like the new brian mcfadden song.

Anyway that's about it. Long and rambling as promised. I hope it makes sense. If you have any questions dont be afraid to ask, i wont bite. So leave a comment or ask a question on my formspring page (if you wish to be anonomous(link to the side)). Hope you're all well.

P.S. I just remembered DJ spoke to me briefly this morning. it was the first time we talked in months and it was brief and awkward. I dont think i have any feelings for him what so ever.

ALSO: lots of love to charlie cause he really is amazing and he was there for me this week when i was down and he helped me so thank you.

My Big Gay Easter

2010-04-08T21:35:00.002+10:00

This post was originally going to be longer but i just couldnt be bothered. I think interesting is the right word to describe my weekend.

Well i guess it started when i came out to james. If you dont know what i'm talking about go read my last post. It's called parkinsons (i'd do an in-text reference but they never seem to work for me). So someone said my michael j fox joke wasnt funny. It wasn't really a joke. It was the only way i could describe myself at that point. I was shaking so much i was having trouble typing and i couldnt control it.

So i went to see my family on saturday. Hung out with my little brothers and just had fun. On sunday my mum had organised a family lunch and a family dinner. before lunch she called me into the laundry and asked if i was going to come out at lunch (she pretty much forced me out). Anyway. I said no, i'm not doing it with an audience. And she was like dont you want us all there to show them that we support you (them being my 2 little brothers) and i said no. So we had lunch and it went well. Later sunday afternoon my sister came to talk to me. She was like when are you coming out and i was like i dont know. And then she was like it's not right for us to have to keep this secret from them, you have to come out, It's why we're all here. I was like, first things first, we're here for easter not for me to come out. Secondly i didnt realise my sexuality was such a hotly discussed topic and my 2 little brothers talked about it often. Then i kinda just walked away. so we had our family dinner sunday night. My sister says our family is like the one on brothers and sisters. Apparently they just have big family meals and sit around and bicker. It does kinda sound like us.
Everyone had just gone to bed on sunday night so i got up and went into *little brother 1*'s room. I sat on his bed and i said i have something to tell you. I'm gay. And he was like no you're not. And i was like yes i am. And he was like what/how/when/etc. He also asked if i had a bf and who else knew. He was getting kinda loud and still didnt really believe me so i left and went back to bed. I could hear him in the hallway and my mum came out and she came to the doorway of my room and she was like why did you do it like that i organised two family meals so you could do it. And i was like i'm not doing it with a fucking audience now turn out the light i'm going to bed. And then my mum made my brother say he was alright with it. She's like that's all he needs to hear.

So i went to bed and didnt get a lot of sleep but whatever. I woke up monday morning and went to the loungeroom and little brother number 2 was there (he's only 12 no 11, hence the different tone with him). So i sat down on the couch next to him and i said *little brother 2* do you know what being gay is. And he said it's when boys like other boys. And i said *little brother 2* i'm gay, are you alright with it. And he said it was my choice. And i asked if he had any questions but he said no.

So later that morning my mumcalled me into a room and got up me. She wasnt happy with the way i came out and she was like you went in there shouting that it was ************** and ************* and spiteful (i cant remember the other two words but i definately remember spiteful. I was like there was nothing spiteful about it. I went in and sat on the bed and told him i was gay. He didnt believe me so i left. Athere was no shouting and nothing spiteful about it. And then she was like when are you going to tell *little brother 2* and i was like i told him this morning and the n she asked how he took it and then she started talking about her parenting and i just couldnt take it so i left. She was so annoying all weekend and i told her that. She was like what makes me annoying and i was like you know how some poeple are just annoying for no reason, well that's you. So i left early-ish monday morning and came back to brisbane.

So that was my big gay easter. Sorry it took so long to post, I hope it makes sense to you. I was definately an interesting weekend. Hope your easter was good. Comments/questions/etc as per usual.

Parkinsons

2010-04-03T08:11:00.003+10:00

So last night i came out to my friend james via facebook chat. I was shaking so much i looked like Michael J Fox (title reference), I'm still kinda shaking now. Here is the relevant part of the convo. (i've taken out some names to protect the innocent)

Tommy
my social life is alright. Went to the uni pub with some friends last night. Had a good time. Saw ****** and ******** and one of the **********. had some "words" with some college cunts

hey can i tell you something

James
fuck yea sounds choice bro, what happened with these "words"?? anyone have your back? go on..

Tommy
the words were just silly. I wasnt overly involved it was more my friends. one of my friends knocked a full jug of beer over one of the college kids and they got riled up. it was like 15 angainst 3

James
lol fuck man that sucks. what'd u wanna tell me?

Tommy
i'm gay

James
what?? since when lol

Tommy
lol

James
r u serious??

Tommy
Yeah
suprise

James
wait a sec tommy now lets talk about this...i dont need to know details or anything but like when did u decide this? cause i thought u liked the ladies lol
just cause u might not be a ladies man doesnt mean u wont get any ladies

Tommy
its not that james
i'm still the same person
you're born this way

Ummmm
hope you're alright with it

James
i know that but its kind of a shock. I'm not gonna tell anyone if u wanna keep this between us but yea. well sir ian mckellan is gay and he's one of the best english actors ever

Sidenote : I love that he thought of ian mckellan and he said sir ian. Also i'm nearly in tears (and shaking) while i'm writing this and i dont know why.

Tommy
lol
thanks james
you're the first friend i've really told

James
who else knows?

Tommy
my family knows but yeah
some people i've met in brissie

James
yea? what'd they think

Tommy
ummm
they were ok
i'm going to tell *little brother 1* and *little brother 2* this weekend
if you have any questions just ask

James
r u sure they need to know?
does *older brother* know??

Tommy
yeah
*little brother 1* and *little brother 2* are the only ones that dont know
*older brother* toook it suprisingly well
he was really good about it

James
really lol
i thought he would have been a cunt about it

Sidenote : I really dont use the word cunt a lot

Tommy
me too
but he doesnt seem to mind
and he helped my mum with it as well

James
hmm ok so now you're out of the closet now what? is this like a decision you made or just what u felt?

Tommy
coming out is a decision i made

James
so is it that you don't like women or just that you like dudes?

well I'd still like to think you were the same guy cause i dont wanna have to act like you're a different person

Tommy
i'm still exactly the same person
its not like i'm going to catch a limp wrist or anything

I'm missing a tiny bit of the convo here. Guess i forgot to copy it from facebook to my messenger window (thanks for your help charlie). He said something about my limp wrist joke.

Tommy
dont worry
are you alright with it

James
yea like i can handle it...its just a shock man

Tommy
sorry

James
im trying to process it lol

Tommy
yeah
i understand

James
dont be fucken sorry dude, being who you are isnt something to apologise about, that pisses me off when u have to apologise for being yourself unless you've truly offended someone or done something horribly wrong

Tommy
thanks
if you have any questions dont be afraid to ask

James
ok so...if you were in a club would u be looking out for hot guys lol or what? you've seen zack and miri make a porno right??

Tommy
yeah i've seen that movie
i liked it

Sidenote : Not exactly sure why he bought up that movie but i did like it. I think i need to watch it again

James
and the first question?

Tommy
ummm
i probably wouldnt be looking for anyone
but i'd recognize a hot guy

James
ok then well...are you attracted to women? I'm just trying to figure out if you're really meant to be gay...like not saying its not ok I just wanna know what is going on in your mind exactly.

Tommy
i'm not really attracted to women at all

James
ok so do you wanna end up with a guy as a partner then?

Tommy
i havent really thought about it that much but yeah, i guess so

Sidenote : I figured saying that would be better than saying i'd love a boyfriend to fuck me senseless

James
well you know saying that you're gay is a fucken big commitment mate like I don't take it lightly, and I really think you'd have to know that to go ahead and say it. Like everyone has a few gay thoughts every now and again but it can't just be some phase that you're going thru. Like if u changed your mind and decided that you were straigt then you would have just fucked with everyones minds.
But as long as you're sure this is right for you then I'm happy. Did u talk to anyone before you made this decision?? Because its not like getting a sex change where you have to be psychologically proven to be a woman trapped in a mans body you know.
But i think you're mature enough to have made the right decision tommy, but everyone gets confused about things...
not saying u are man

Tommy
if its a phase its been going on for quite a while

James
ok then so when?

Tommy
i understand your concerns james

James
I just want whats right for you and if thats being gay then so be it. I just don't want it to change the way I think about you...which it shouldnt but yea I can just imagine if the rest of our friends knew I dont know what they'd think like they can be pretty fucken shallow sometimes

Tommy
yeah
i thought you would take it the best
and you're probably the one i'm closest to out of everyone

James
true that

Tommy
so thats why i told you first

James
fair enough well theres no point hiding it man, because it would only make it worse, I think I'm starting to accept it now lol. Like I don't think its a big deal man

Tommy
thanks
i'm still the same person i've always been

James
thats right...like out mates arent that shallow when it comes down to it they're pretty understanding but initially they'd be shocked i suppose

Tommy
yeah
i figure they'd get over it eventually
if they dont it's there problem

James
yea they would
exactly
well man I'm getting pretty tired after all that thinking i thing i need to hit the hay

Tommy
thats alright

James
i'll catcha later mate

Tommy
indeed
we'll catch up soon

James
yea man should be good I was just thinkin we needed to hit the town again soon

Tommy
i know
i havent been clubbing in ages

James
fuck yea well in the next month u will!
but until then take it east bruss

Tommy
lol

James
easy
lol

Tommy
you too

James
Night man

Tommy
lol
night

So that was it. Overall, i think it went well. I guess we'll see how he acts when i see him next.

Hope you have a good easter

Weekend in Hell

2010-04-02T12:13:00.004+10:00

Wish me luck. So i'm going to see my family this weekend for easter. It should be fun given that my mum hates me at the moment. I'm also probably going to come out to my little brothers. So yeah. I've been up and down lately so we'll see how it goes.

I had an interesting night last night. Went to the uni pub with some friends. Kinda came out to one of them. dont think he heard me though. Got into a disagreement with some college kids. All college kids are cunts. At least the ones i've met. So yeah. Got a week off from uni and shitloads of study to do.

Hope you have a good easter

BB Group

2010-03-30T08:14:00.002+10:00

And then we all fucked without condoms.

I'm Joking

Brisbane Bloggers Group.
So on sunday i met up with Aaron from Beautiful Chaos and Ed from Pardon My Shadenfreude (my in text links never seem to work. check the links on the side). We went to the powerhouse. Saw some free comedy. One of them sucked but the other three were really good (i'm talking about the comedians). Had a good time. Might go to the powerhouse more often (i'd never been before). So we went and saw some free comedy and had a good time and a bit of a chat.

Q&A

2010-03-28T04:50:00.002+10:00

So i thought i should post these over here so if you had any more questions or comments about my answers you can leave a comment below or ask anonomously on my formspring page (link at the side).

you come home from a long day of classes. i'm sitting on your bed in your room. you had no idea i would be there. i'm butt naked. erect. smiling. i say hello. what do you do? screaming is not an option. guns are not permitted.
Wow. I'd be shocked and probably lost for words. As for what happens next, that depends on who you are and how well i know you. But rest assured you'd have a really good time. I think i'd lead with a kiss

i think you told us you've never bottom. am i to assume you prefer being top?
I dont know what i prefer. It's a bit hard to say i prefer one when i havent bottomed yet. ideally i'd like to be versatile but i dont know. I havent cum while topping so i dont know. Maybe i'm meant to be a bottom

do you liked to be chased or are you the chaser?
Ideally it would be a bit of both but if i had to choose i'd say be chased. I dont think i'm very good at chasing and i tend to get annoyed if i always have to start the conversations and make the plans and everything

assuming you're white, would you date a hot black or mexican guy?
Of course. Race really isnt important to me. That being said i've never met a mexican or african american. I have been with some people from the middle east though.

are you a pimp, preppy, or grung dresser?
I dont think i fit into any of these ones. Usually i just wear shorts, a t-shirt and my thongs

In terms of your ideal guy, do you prefer smooth or hairy?
I think i tend to go for guys on the smoother side. A little bit of hair is fine but i dont think i could handle to much.

Have you every had sex with your best friend? Any family members?
No. Incest is not cool. No to the friends too

What would be your ideal spring break vacation?
We dont really have spring break in australia. Ideally i'd love to travel the world and see places i've never been to. One place that i've been to and really liked was Queenstown in New Zealand.

You write" I'm a slut"? Please describe what you mean by this?
I have been sexually promiscous

How many times a day do you jack off? Have you eaten your own cum?
It depends on how i'm feeling but it's usually 2 times. Maybe 3. If i'm really in the mood i could reach 5. And yes i have tasted my own cum.

Have you ever been in love?
I dont know. Probably not. I said i loved sexy abs but i dont think i really did. I think it was more infatuation

do you have an allsorts group (queer networking) at uni? i asked ages ago and never had a response. if yes, GO TO IT.
There is some sort of group but i dont think i'd feel comfortable in it. From what i've seen they... i dont think i'd fit in. Also my friends at uni would probably find out which may not work out so well

What is your ideal guy? Or what kind of guys you are not into?
Hmmm. Sense of humour and intelligence would be good in a guy. I tend not to go for feminine guys. Well overly feminine guys

do u have low self-esteem?
Yeah. Kinda. Its a combination of low self esteem and low self confidence

How many guys have fucked you?
I've never been a bottom. It's not that i dont want to but i'd prefer my first time to be with soemone i really liked and not just some random. It'll happen eventually

These aren't all the questions i've answered, just a few i picked out, so go over to my formspring page and have a look. I've tried to be as honest as possible

Maybe

2010-03-25T17:31:00.004+10:00

I saw this last night on hungry beast and i thought it was pretty funny.

The maybe part of the title comes from the fact that i might have a crush on a guy in my structural lecture. I dont know him and i dont know if he's gay but i think he might be. He's pretty hot and i think he saw me looking at him the other day. I might have been a bit obvious when i turned around to look at him.

EDIT: I've just realised you cant really see the video properly so just go to http://hungrybeast.abc.net.au/stories/if-lady-gaga-werent-popstar

Internet no more

2010-03-23T21:18:00.004+10:00

This is just a quick update. I've made some decisions lately and i hope they all work out well. The biggest one so far is that my manhunt account no longer exists. Also i've answered all the questions i've been asked on formspring. Just click on the link to see my answers and feel free to ask me more questions. Thats all i really have time for. Uni is a bitch so here's a song.

KINKY!!!!

2010-03-20T16:42:00.005+10:00

And my terrible choice in guys continues. I dont know what it is but i seem to attract the wrong guys. All i want is a nice guy who is sweet and charming and wants me as much as i want him. Instead I get crappy ones. Let me use a list to demonstrate.
~The guy that had a boyfriend i didn't know about (until i found out in the worst possible way)
~The guy that said he would rape me
~The guy that was ignoring me, but apparently not ignoring me, who's now gone back to ignoring me after saying he doesnt want a boyfriend, only friends with benefits
~The guy that wanted to train me as his submissive
~The guy that wants to spank and cane me while i am in a school uniform (i'll admit the schoolboy fantasy could be good but i dont know about the pain)
~The guy that wanted me to dominate him
~The guy that was into pain, humiliation and puppy play (i was like oh, fuck when he said tasers)
Not to mention all my other failures such as phil and awkward silence guy (so they're not really bad guys but they didnt turn out the way i had hoped either).

I dont know what it is but something about my manhunt profile must scream kinky. I dont know what it is, but it must be there. I just attract kinky guys. But here's the thing. I have to meet guys on the internet, to start with at least. Like i can't meet gay guys by accident or anything, it just doesn't happen.
Case in point - I'm talking to phil the other night and he was like guess what happenned to me the yesterday. I was like what. And he said, the guy behind me in a lecture the other day passed me a note saying he liked my pants and asking where i got them and we kept passing notes back and forth and he asked me to add him to facebook. I was like that would never happen in any of my lectures. And i mean it, i can't even imagine that happening in my classes. It was like bronco and the random guy in queen street all over again.

And the other day i was at the uni bar and i saw these gay guys (i dont have a very good gaydar but i think it was a fair guess). Now i would never even consider going up to them and just talking. Or anything like that. I just couldn't do it. If they started talking to me i might have a conversation but even thats not for sure.

So yeah, the moral of todays rant is i suck at being gay.

And now for some explaining on the last post. Yes it was a letter to myself. It didnt exactly come out the way i had planned in my head but it was a good idea at the time. I wasn't having a go at anyone with my first paragraph. It was just a little joke about how i hadnt been asked any questions. I know i have readers and i know people leave comments and i'm very grateful for that. I was trying to look at my life from 2 different perspectives and i thought it would be a good idea to know how i was feeling so i could come back and look at it in the future. So in like a year or something i could see how far i had progressed. That's all.

As always comments are appreciated. If you want to ask me anythign the link is on the side. Have a good day

A Letter To Tommy

2010-03-17T15:42:00.003+10:00

Tommy,

First of all i'd like to say congratulations. You have successfully proven that no one reads your blog. I know i am the only person that has asked you questions on that formspring website. Now i don't mind asking you questions but it does get a bit boring after a while, just so you know. I also know you don't really get any comments but i can't be bothered writing any of those.

I know you have been down and depressed lately. You need to realise that it's not that bad and it's just a phase and it will pass. Things are better since you have come out. It may not feel like it now but it's true. And in time you'll find all those things that you're looking for (Like a boyfriend and some great friends). I understand that uni is stressing you out and you have lots of stuff thats needs to be done but you'll make it through. Once you get back into a good uni/study routine things will get better. I realise that you're having trouble focusing on your uni work but it will get better.

Apparently you're thinking about quitting work. All i can say is that you have to do whats right for you. Personally, I think it's a good idea. You only work a couple of hours a week and i know you don't think it is that good. You'll be able to survive on your centrelink payments, you use to live off less. If you quit it will give you more time to focus on uni. I know you realise that you cant fail any more courses. However, before you quit i think you should talk to your mother and see what she says about it. I know you feel a little obligated towards your bosses because they have been so good to you but you need to look out for yourself first.

I know you've been a bit upset about your friends, or lack of friends. Princess is right. You need to go out there and make friends. I know that you saw lots of gay guys at uni today, and they were in their pairs or little groups and you were a little disheartened. That you wished you could have that. You can and you will. It just might take some time. Just remember to respect yourself.

Best of luck with everything. You will make it through everything and you'll be a better person when you do.

Yours Sincerely,
Tommy xoxo

Procrastination, what's that?

2010-03-14T17:38:00.002+10:00

So i've decided to set up one of those anonomous question things. It's at www.formspring.me/MalePersuasion I'll put a link at the side. I'd really like to answer any questions you have and it'll be anonomous so you can ask me anything.

As for everything else, my life is shit and i'm a slut.

I look forward to answering your questions.

Busy, Busy, Busy - Part 2

2010-03-12T06:48:00.003+10:00

Welcome back to another episode of my big fat shitty life.

I feel terrible at the moment. I'm so stressed over uni. Two weeks in and i'm convinced i'm going to fail something. Who the hell decides that final exams worth 70% are a good idea. So i've already handed in two lots of assessment and i have another 3 due next week. I dont see this going well. Also i'm getting sick. Or i am already sick. I have a sore throat and my nose is all stuffed up and i just feel tired. I live with 2 pigs and they obviously dont understand the concept of cleaning. I know i'm not perfect but they can be disgusting. Also as of yesterday i have a lump near my right nipple. It's like right next to it and it's kinda sore. I showed my brother and he said it might just be a lymph node but i dont know. My family does have a big history of breast cancer and i know guys can get it. I just...I dont know. Maybe i'm burning the candle at both ends. So back to the continuation of my last post.

So on monday i had a date. I'd been talking to this guy for a couple of days and i'd sent him some texts while i was at the 21st so on monday afternoon we met. He just recently moved to brisbane and he lives close by, but not really (technically i think he lives in Ipswich). So on monday afternoon i drove out to his place and picked him up(because i'm a gentleman). So he came out of his house and he was wearing long black pants and a button up shirt. He looked good. He's the same height as me and he has blackish hair and he's a little tanned. He's an attractive guy. So we talked while i drove us to the cinemas. He seemed really nice and he's much more confident then me. He's out and we talked about me coming out and he said he wanted to help me. So we got to the cinema and had some time to spare so I managed to convince him to go to a games arcade with me. we played a couple of games and he said he didnt like to play games cause he got competitive so i felt a little bad for making him play. So we went to the cinemas and bought our tickets and just hung around till we could go in. I felt really nervous. We went to see The wolfman. We decided to see it because neither of us really like horror movies and this was the scariest one on. So it was us and some random guy that sat towards the front in the cinema (we were at the back). So we played wheel of fortune on his phone while we waited for the movie to start. I accidently called him handsome. Then the movie started and we were kinda sitting there and i could feel his little finger kind of brushing against my leg. I let it go for a while then i leant over and gave him a really quick kiss in the cheek. I moved away from him so fast. I was blushing. Then i leant back over to tell him it was for playing air hockey with me and he turned around and kissed me. we kissed 2 or 3 more times and it was great. I could have melted. So then we started holding hands. We watched the rest of the movie, making out every so often and holding each other in the scary parts. He made me blush a couple of times. He called me delicious and kissed me and he could see me blushing in the dark of the cinema. Every so often he would try and feel my package but i fended him off. I told him not on a first date. So the movie finished and i drove him home and he had his hand on my leg while we were driving. It was nice. So i parked in front of his house and we made out for a while in the car (maybe 20 minutes or so). He's a really good kisser and i was pretty much hard the whole time. He tried to grab my cock a couple of times and i blocked him and he asked for "just a little taste". It was funny and cute. After a while we got out of the car and we hugged and i just couldn't help it. I pushed him against the car and started making out again. He said he could feel my cock and i said i couldn't help it. He asked me if i wanted him to take care of it. I said yes, but not yet. we need to have at least 2 dates before you get to touch it. So after a while he said he should probably go and i gave him a hug (it was great) and a kiss on the cheek (cause originally i said he might get a kiss on the cheek at the end of the night if he was lucky). I asked him about a second date and he said definately. HOWEVER, I havent heard from him all week. I've sent him a couple of texts but no reply. I'm hoping there's an explaination like he's run out of credit or something but i dont know.

Also i've been thinking about coming out a bit. Well quite a bit. Then last night, with some helpful encouragement from princess i changed my interested in on facebook. It now says i like guys as well as girls eventually i'll change it to just guys. I've decided i'm not going to address it unless someone asks. I'm not going to make a point of it but it is there for anyone to see. So i changed it and i asked phil (i was talking ot him at the time) to go and look at my facebook page. He saw it and congratulated me. It made me feel a little better.

I have tonnes of other shits to talk about but this will do for now. As always if you have any questions you want to ask me leave a comment. I will do my best to answer them.

Busy, Busy, Busy

2010-03-10T07:33:00.005+10:00

WARNING!! LONG POST AHEAD
Holy Crap! So much stuff has been happening recently. I'm taking a break from everything and writing this post, hoping it will help calm me down a bit (this post is probably going to be all over the shop). OK, where to start:

So the past weekend i went and visited my family on the farm. I went back for my former housemate's 21st. So we left friday night and got to the farm a bit after midnight. We had to negotiate some floodwater too which was interesting. It rained all saturday night (over 80mm) so on saturday morning we went for a drive to check out the rivers near our farm. There is a creek which runs along the back of our farm so we went to have a look at that. On one side of the farm it was a couple of feet below the bridge. On the other side of the farm there is no bridge and the water was so deep you couldn't even see the flood marker. The creek went from nothing (usually) to about 100 metres across. It was good, all our dams were overflowing. I love the rain.

So the 21st was on saturday night. So we (me, my brother, my brothers girlfriend) drove into town in the afternoon but the main river had burst it's banks and and was covering the bridge on our normal route into town. It was the highest i had ever seen it. So we backtracked and went the long way into town and finally made it.

So the 21st was kinda fun, but i didnt really have anyone to talk with. well i did but i kinda hung around my brother and his friends because none of my "friends" were there.

Sidenote: I put friends in quotation marks because on friday i sent my friend james a message asking what he was doing this weekend because he lives back in my old town. He rung me (a first) and said him and another friend were coming to brissie and they were going to go to sexpo and then they were going to go another friends 20th birthday party. It was the first time i had heard about the party and i was a little annoyed. I know i'm probably not his best friend but they can invite people that live 3 hours away and not someone that lives a couple of suburbs away. Anyway, james was good and said we have to catch up again soon and he mentioned going to a concert or something. This is another thing. my "friends" go to concert or festivals and what not but i never seem to be invited. End rant

So the 21st was hawaiin themed and it was fun and i got a little tipsy/drunk.

My mum was kinda annoying me this weekend. So on friday night when i got home i was wearing a purple shirt. She made some stupid little comment about me wearing purple, the international colour for gays, and i just ignored it. Hell i wasn't wearing the shirt because it was purple. I was wearing the shirt because it was the shirt i picked up off my bedroom floor 5 minutes before i walked out of the house. Then on saturday my some of my family was watching i now pronounce you chuck and larry. I didn't really feel like watching it. I was doing one of my uni assignments and playing wii with one of my little brothers and just doing other stuff. And my mum was like "Why dont you come and watch this tommy, it's funny." and i was like no, i'm doing other stuff. And then i heard her say"i dont know why he wont come and watch it, it's so funny." I was just like whatever. Then on sunday my parents were looking for a new couch so we went to have a look with them. And we were testing all of them out and debating which one they should get and we were sitting on pretty much all of them testing them. And then i pointed out a purple couch and said have we tested this one. And my mum was like "it's purple, we all know what that means" and i was like, "yeah, purple is the colour of royalty." and we just kept going. I mean we were testing every couch in the friggin store. The colour had nothing to do with it. And i'm pretty sure my mum bought the purple shirt for me. It was just annoying.

Also on friday night in the car on the way home my borthers girlfriend was asking me all these questions about being gay and my personal life and what not. It was ... interesting. She wants to go clubbing with me to the beat sometime and i was like yeah. I really dont want it too happen. I'm not sure if i can think of anything worse than going gay clubbing with my brothers girlfriend.

Im other news i'm really busy with uni. I have my first 2 pieces of assessment due today. So one and half weeks in and i already feel behind. I'm not really but i feel like i am. I'm trying to rewrite my notes and everything and it's very time consuming. I have finished both my things due today (big thanks to charlie, he really is super awesome).

OMG i forgot how much crap i had to talk about. I think i'm going to have to do it in 2 posts because i'm running out of time. OK, so in the next post i'll be talking about coming out and a date i had and some other stuff.

Watertight?

2010-03-03T07:26:00.001+10:00

So i am now back at uni. 2 Days in and i'm already a tad annoyed. Anyways, this is just going to be a post full of random things that have been happening.

~I woke up at 7 this morning which means i slept in. OK, so i know it doesnt sound like much but i never sleep in. Like ever. I did actually wake up at 5.30 but i went back to sleep which doesnt usually happen so yay for me.

~I finally put some songs on my mp3. I havent downloaded any off the net yet but it does have some songs on it. This is the first song that went on there and i love it.

~I've decided i'm going to be less of a slut and focus on uni more.

~I was a bit depressed on the weekend due to the fact i have no friends. Well no close friends. I'm over it now but it's still kinda there in the back.

~I'm loving all the rain at the moment

~Me and my uni friends have decided we're going to try and go to the uni pub once a week. Which should be good. We're also trying to organise a social sporting team. For some reason we are talking about water polo. I'm not too keen on water polo because i know i'd suck and i assume i'd have to wear a speedo and i dont think anyone wants to see that. I think it keeps coming up because it's the cheapest of the options. Personally i want to do european handball but i dont think we'll get organised and do any sport.

~Work is alright. I'm working much less now that uni has started which is good. The title comes from something we were talking about at work. It's a bit rude/sexual if you dont get it.

Thanks for reading my random crap. As always comments are welcome.

Am I Bovered

2010-02-28T09:00:00.002+10:00

I feel like i have so much to say but i can't say it, if that makes sense. Anyway, here's some music. I really wanted the new lisa mitchell song but i couldn't find a video. I think it's called Oh Heart but i dont know.

Nonsensical title for the win. Bonus points if you get it, it's not that hard

Where's my torch, I'm heading back in

2010-02-23T06:52:00.003+10:00

So i'm just about to go back to uni, which i'm really looking forward to. This week is O(rgasm) week and next week classes start. So i'm going to be withdrawing back into the closet a bit. In the real world at least. Now it's not like i'm a flaming queen or anything but i have been more open over the holidays. Now that i'm going back to uni i guess i'll go back to what i normally do at uni. Now dont get me wrong my friends are nice people and some of them would be fine if i told them i was gay (I think). But i dont make friends easily and i think i'd rather stay with the friends i have then have no friends at all (that probably sounds stupid). I had so much to say and now i can't remember any of it. My brother and his girlfriend are currently in Fiji so i'm at home by myself. I've been cleaning and getting all my uni stuff organised. I'm going to try and be organised this year, instead of just having big piles of things.

Now that i'm going back to uni i probably wont be posting as much but i will try to do one a week. Unless i'm procrastinating

Olympic Pipe Dreams

2010-02-19T06:20:00.003+10:00

I dont think i've mentioned this but i LOVE the winter olympics. I actually think i prefer them to the summer olympics. Unfortunately for me channel 9's coverage really sucks so i dont get to see much of it. So at the moment australia has one silver medal. Now i think that's pretty good for the driest country on earth. We're meant to get some more medals though. We've got Torah Bright and all those ariel skiers so we should pick up at least another medal. Now i have to say this. I really, really, really want to do curling. I just think it's awesome. Last year they had a poster up for it at uni. And i was like yeah lets go try it to all my friends. And they all said it was stupid. So i bowed to peer pressure and didn't do it. curling is done in boondall in brisbane which is a fair way away from me but i still want to do it. Also, and this will sound stupid, but i figure that there aren't many curlers (i assume thats what they're called) in australia. And therefore my chances of representing australia aren't that bad, especially if i am half decent. Ok so i know that probably wont happen but how awesome would it be to say i'm an australia curler. Or even just queensland. I just think it would be a great game to play. And if that fails i guess i'll just try out for lawn bowls at the commonwealth games.

:P

Worst. Date. Ever

2010-02-17T18:54:00.004+10:00

So today i went on a date with a guy. It was my worst experience so far since i've been dating. So i got ready, shaved and what not. Then i got dressed (no skinny jeans, i'm glad i didn't wear them. I think it would have made it more awkward for me). So i picked him up and he was different then i expected. I knew his height and what not but i always have a hard time visualising what people will look like. He was ummm chunkier then i expected. Now i want to make things clear. I'm not really a vain person. I would be hypocritical with my looks. Now i have dated overweight guys before. And as long as you're not obese you're in with a shot. But i guess his looks did through me off a little. So we went back to the city and parked at southbank then went to queen street for lunch. After lunch we went to the cinemas and saw percy jackson and the lightning thief. He kinda tried sitting close to me and what not but i didn't really respond. I just wasn't feeling it. Then after the movie i drove him back home. Now we spent over four hours together today but in that time i reckon if all our conversation was put together you'd have about 20 minutes of talking, 30 if you are lucky. It was a very awkward, silent date for me. So I drove him home and we stopped outside his place and he leaned over to kiss me and i hesitated. I didnt really want to do it but i did. It was just a quick peck on the lips (oh his 6 year old cousin was outside his place which made it more awkward. i dont know if he saw the kiss though). Then he said we'll do it again some time? And i very quietly said yeah. I just didnt know what to say. So when i was driving back home i got a message from him. It said i hope you had fun today. I felt bad. I should have sent him a message when i left his place but i didnt. So i got home and sent him a message. I want to do the right thing by him so i sent him this message.

Hey. I had a good time today and you're a really nice guy but i dont think we should be more than friends. I hope you understand.

I havent got a reply yet. so that was my awkward silent date. Plenty more fish in the see i guess.

P.S. simpsons reference FTW

I have a date

2010-02-16T19:55:00.003+10:00

So yay for me. I have a date tomorrow. He seems really nice and he seems to like me. We've been texting a fair bit so i hope it goes well tomorrow. I have no idea what to wear though. I'll tell you how it goes tomorrow

Religious Epiphanies

2010-02-15T22:46:00.004+10:00

First things first
Thank you to the people that sent me valentines cards. They made me smile so thank you.

So this past weekend i went back to visit the family. It was good. My sister was there whch suprised me. Saturday night i went to a bit of a party for my friends 20th. A couple of friends and i went to his families house and lots of his family was there then after a while we went to a pub in town. The bartender, who we know, found out is was my friends birthday and gave us some very generous drinks for him. The aim was to get him smashed. then we walked through the maccas drive through on our way to another pub that stays open later. This pub was dead and it just wasnt very fun. So we left the pub at 1am and got on the courtesy bus. Didn't getback to my friends place till 2. It was a pretty good night and it was good to see some of my friend again.

On sunday morning i went to church, kinda. So my littlest brother goes to a religious private school and this year he is a school captain. So on the sunday they had a bit of a ceremony for them and everything. Now my family is not really religious at all (i guess i would call myself agnostic). The last time i went to church would have ben nearly 12 yeas ago for my littlest brothes christening. I think i'm good for another twelve years. Now some of the points had merit but it was so over the top. Aparently i am a light and i need to shine brightly in the darkness for others like jesus. And all my sins hve been forgiven so thats good. My sister and my dad had a bit of a hard time controlling themselves.

So that was my weekend

This boy's in love

2010-02-12T07:00:00.002+10:00

It's friday. That means clubbing music. The presets are so good. I prefer the second song but i just had to post the first one.

Men and friends and valentines

2010-02-11T06:33:00.006+10:00

I have never had a valentine. Its true. I'm 19 years old and i've never even recieved a mystery card. This year i will be spending valentines day with the family. I'm going back to see them for the first time since i came out. So i'm kinda nervous and i dont know what will happen. I'm hoping nothing because both my little brothers will be there and neither of them know. But i do know that i wont be staying up late to watch tv because then i will have to talk to my mum, and yeah.

I also went out last night with friends from uni. It was good to see them again and i had fun. We went to the fox for a couple of drinks then we went to the down under club in the city. It was just nice to spend time with them socially and talk about crap and feel like one of the group. However, i wont be coming out to them any time soon. In reality i probably wont come out to them ever. They're nice people but i dont want to spend the rest of my uni years alone. I dont think they'd take it well.

Work has been so dead lately. We have pretty much nothing to do which means crap jobs like cleaning for me. But we always have really great discussions at work about lots of different random things such as horses, gambling, sport, politics, religion, sex and the law. The other day we were talking about prince charming syndrome. One of the girls at work suffers from prince charming syndrome. She's old fashioned and she expects some rich, handsome guy to come and sweep her off her feet. Its just not going to happen. This lead on to us talking about marriage. Now this really got me thinking. I mean will i ever find a guy that loves me and wants to be with me forever? Would we even be able to get married? Do i even want to get married? What would our wedding look like? Does one of us have to wear white? Work was boring so my mind just kept wandering. I've never really thought about marriage before, I mean i dont even know if it will happen. I need to meet a guy first i guess.
P.S. I dont suffer from prince charming syndrome. Its called being realistic.

Lately i've been talking to more guys than i usually do. Some of them are really nice, including the guy with the eyes, some of them are just after action. I dont see it happeing soon but i'd really love a boyfriend. Someone to snuggle with and keep me company, not just sex. One guy seemed quite intereste in me but i dont think the feeling is mutual. He seemed very stereotypically gay. Which i dont really go for. I guess i should talk to him more though.

Also a big thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. If you havent left a comment but have some advice go back and leave a comment. Lets face it, i need all the help i can get.

Thats all :P (sorry it was a bit all over the place)

Virginity

2010-02-07T18:48:00.003+10:00

So i've been thinking about this for a while. And while i dont see it happenning any time soon i figure i should be getting prepared for it. So i've never been a bottom before and i'm just wondering. How do you prepare for? What's the best position for your first time? How fast or slow do you go?

There's so much i dont know and any help you can give would be appreciated.

hmmm

2010-02-07T11:57:00.002+10:00

So i've decided not to post the story of my sex the other night. I have written it but i dont think i'll post it. It might come back to bite me. However, If you do wnt to read what i wrote i guess i could email it to yo. Just let me know.

I've been chattig to some new guys as well. They seem nice enough but i dont know if i'll meet them in person. All in allmy life is pretty boring

Please Help

2010-02-06T17:50:00.003+10:00

I want everyone to go over to CoolCharlie loves his life and leave him comments telling him how great and amazing and brilliant he is.

If he gets enough comments i'll tell you about my sex the other night.

Go NOW!!

He really needs the support

It's official

2010-02-06T09:44:00.005+10:00

So i talked to phil last night. And i said someting about wanting a boyfriend. And he said he wanted a boyfriend. then he said i know you really like me, butyou d=just want to be friends y'know. I said i dont know if i really like you :P But i had knda hope you would like me but i knew it would't happen. And he said i'd still like to be friends with you. You're a pretty cool cat. And i said of course i still want to be friends wth you. And to be honest i'm kinda already getting over you.

So thats that. I have a new friends in phil. And hopefully someday soon i'll meet a great guy that'll sweep me off my feet and we'll fall in love (i dont see it happening though).

Thats all

P.S. I had sex last night *blush*
but i dont think you guys are interested in hearing about that (the again i could be wrong)

Let me live vicariously

2010-02-04T19:21:00.004+10:00

So this is my very small update on phil and my life.

So phil came over the other night and i'm 99.99% sure that we're just going to be friends. We had fun but nothing happened. We watched our movies, he taught me to knit and we just hung out. He met my brother briefly and my brother seemed to like him. Apparently Phil reminded my brother of clark kent. My brother also asked me, ever so politely, "did you get some?". No i didn't get anything.
I've decided to talk to phil a bit less, instead of pretty much everynight. I thought of trying to make him jealous but i dont think it would work.

In other news:
I had a rather awkward conversaion with my brothers girlfriend yesterday. It was about my sexuality. We've never really talked about it before and it was just weird. I know she was trying to be nice but i dont feel that comfortable with her. Also we were watching So You Think You Can Dance Australia last night. It was her choice not mine (i told her as soon as i heard the word journey i was changing the channel). Then she asked me if any of my friends liked the show ( i knew she meant my gay friends. I dont have that many). I was like i dont know. And then she was like i reckon they would (mmmmm stereotypes). I didn't say anything.

Also, Big news.
I bought my frst ever pair of skinny jeans yesterday. This is kinda a big deal. I always said i would never wear skinny jeans but now i own a pair. They're just a plain black pair so i hope they look alright on me. I think i need to get used to them. I wont be wearing them to uni though. I also bought a new shirt and some new undies. I dont want to sound up myself but i tihnk the undies look pretty good on me.

One last thing.
A big big shoutout to my stalker charlie. There's a link to his blog on the side. I wont say too much but we have some freaky coincidences in our lives. Cool Charlie may also be able to tell you if my new undies look good on me, or maybe not. He's such a closet size queen :P (you should know i'm joking aout charlie. He's really nice and not at all weird)

I WANT A GUITAR BOAT!!

2010-02-03T13:33:00.005+10:00

Time for another episode of Tommy's random musical stylings

This song is just so sweet. I want a guitar boat.

There's something about this song that i just like, but I dont know what it is.

I love the intro to this song. Actually the sound of the whole song in general

This video pretty much sums up my dancing abiity, or lack thereof. I can pull out a good sprinker from time to time though

I prefer the second to the first but they're both good.

And some short stack to finish off. I quite like their songs

I will do a post on everythng thats been happening later. I promise

He doesn't like me

2010-02-03T03:24:00.001+10:00

It's nearly 3.30am and phil has just left. I think the title says it all

Dilemmas

2010-02-01T21:50:00.005+10:00

So phil is coming over to my house for our movie marathon tomorrow. And i'd just like to share this excerpt from our conversation tonight.

Tommy says:
yeah
but i hate to say this
but i kinda get mixed signals from you
maybe its cause i cant read signals
Phil says:
Maybe that's it xD.
Tommy says:
well you could clear it up for me
just so i know
Phil says:
I don't know, hey.
Let's just not define it by anything =]
Tommy says:
ok
well just so you know
i'm fine if you just want to be friends
i'm also fine if you want more
i kinda just wish i knew how you felt
Phil says:
You and me both, buddy.
Tommy says:
ok
i kinda feel silly for bringing it up now
Phil says:
Haha, don't feel silly.
Silliness is overrated.

So that doesn't really clear things up. Maybe he's like DJ. I hope he isn't though.

Also my boss is a bit of a bastard and he's making me start work early and finish late because i'm taking a day off.

And i love ross noble by the way. He's so funny.I'm only mentioning it because he's on tv at the moment

Also have a bit of a dilemma. My sister added me as a friend on facebook. And i dot now if i should accept. I donthave any of my family on there. But maybe i should accept. The thing i worry about is that she'll find the few gay friends i have on there and then she'll tell my mum. And yeah. She'll know what 'm doing and what not.

Should i add her??
P.S. I have 25 followers now. YAY!! thanks every one

OOH LA LA LA

2010-01-31T15:02:00.004+10:00

So i'm not in the best of moods today. I can't stop thinking about phil but i know i should because i'm overthinking it and just makin things worse. Hopefully i'll get to talk to him tonight. We're meant to be seein each other this week for our movie marathon so fingers crossed that goes well. I haven't really gotte out of my bed today and i don plan too. So yeah

Watch these

I really like this song (but this is the best video i could find for it)

i also wanted to put hurricane by faker up here but i couldn't find one to embed from youtube.

I dont think he likes me

2010-01-31T03:53:00.002+10:00

:(

So i have just returned form clubbin wit phil and his friends. I though i would do this post while still suffering frm alcohol and sleep deprevation.

I dont think he likes me. I got in there he introduced me to his friends at that was it. Thatwas pretty much all the attention i got from him all night. I dont know what i was expecting but t didn't happen. I probably spent more time with his lesbian friend. She asked me what my intentions were with phil. I said it wa up to him. but do you like him. yes. then we talked about uni and work and what not. I didn't get any signals from him at all and him and his friend seem to be very...umm...comfortable wit each othr. So yeah. i dont know. Maybe he'll be different n tuesday whene watch movies and his friends aren't there. I dont know.
I'm fine with friends if thats all hew wabnts.But i just wish i knew.

:S

The Big 5-0

2010-01-30T13:17:00.003+10:00

Wow.

This is my 50th post. When i started this blog i didn't expect anyone to read it or comment on it and i certainly didn't expect to find bloggers in the same town as me. A big thank you to everyone. xoxo

And to thank you here are some facts about me. Lets see if i can get 50. I'm pretty boring and i hate talking about myself but I'll try.

1) My real name is not Tommy
2) I'm 19
3) I'm a Virgo
4) I have blue eyes
5) lots of people (gay guys) say i should straighten my hair
6) I got my first job at 14
7) I went overseas twice on high school trips
8) I paid for both trips by myself in full
9) I use to play the fife
10) I use to play the glockenspiel
11) I have never kissed a girl
12) I had my first sexual experience at 16
13) I lost my virginity at 17
14) I love watching tv
15) I love eating fruit
16) I am fussy when it comes to what vegetables i eat
17) I got an OP of 5
18) I moved to brisbane for uni
19) I was in a leadership position at highschool
20) I dont like beer (however i think australian beer is better than new zealand beer)
21) I can ski
22) I can't snowboard
23) I have never read twilight
24) I dont plan on ever reading twilight
25) I'm tall
26) I have big feet
27) I prefer cats to dogs
28) I dont like lamb chops
29) I used to paint and draw
30) I can iron and do all my own washing
31) I own a car (it's a piece of shit)
32) I'd love to travel the world
33) I have a small underwear fetish (it's not THAT weird)
34) I have had 2 official boyfriends
35) I've never really had a serious relationship
36) I have never tried sushi
37) I can ride a horse
38) I dont like tequila
39) I dont have many great friends (I once had a girl tell me it was weird to see me outside of school)
40) I have never owned a gaming console (no wii, nintendo, xbox or playstation)
41) I own a giant fluffy dice and giant poker chip
42) I have never watched a full horror movie (I kinda watched wolf creek but not really)
43) I have never met either of my grandfathers
44) I have freckles (lots of them)
45) I grew up on a cattle farm
46) I first drove a car when i was about 11 or 12
47) I drive a manual
48) At times i am scared of heights and the dark (it really depends on situations)
49) I dont understand drag queens. Well i understand it but it doesn't really interest me.
50) I'm glad i started this blog

So i did get to 50 even if it took some time. A big thank you to everyone who reads my blog. If you have any questions just ask. i'll try to answer them as best i can

Thank you
xoxoxoxoxoxo
Tommy

Brisbanite

2010-01-30T10:46:00.005+10:00

So i've found another blogger from brisbane.

Everyone has to go and look at cool charlie loves his life (there's a link at the side)

So he's from brisbane. And he goes to uni. And he studies in the same (admittedly broad) field as me. So we seem to have a fair bit in common which is pretty cool.

His blog is pretty new so go have a look at it and leave plenty of comments.

In other news
I still dont know what to do about tonight. I mean i'd like to go out but you have no idea how nervous/scared i am. I've never been to the beat before and i'm a naturally shy person. When i went to the wickham i just sat at the edge of the dancefloor and didn't say anything all night. I was so freaked out. Well not freaked out but it was all very new to me and my heart was going so fast. But having my arse grabbed did freak me out a bit. Yeah, maybe i should make up an excuse and we can go another time. I dont know. I do like phil and we are seeing each other tuesday so maybe i should just wait till then to see him. :$

Oh and i always attract the weird guys on manhunt :(

I'm scared

2010-01-30T00:01:00.003+10:00

So i've never been to the beat before. The beat is like the gay club in brissie btw.
So i've never been to the beat before and now phil has asked me to go tomorrow night. Well tonight actually given how late i'm writing this. And he helped me pick out an outfit via webcam but i dont know if i'll go. He said he was going with friends so i dont want to interrupt or interfere or be a burden. I've never been there before and i'm really scared about going. It's not like i'm attractive and i cant dance. And the thing is because phil is having pre drinks at a friends place i'd have to meet him there. And that scares me. what happens if he doesn't turn up. what happens if people i know are in the valley and pass me lining up to get into the beat. If i had someone to go with i'd be fine. But i'm really going there alone. I have no one to have pre-drinks with. No one to sit with me on the train. No one to stand with me in line. Heck i dont even know if i'll be able to find the beat or phil. Oh, and it would be at like 11.30pm. which is pretty early but still. I'd be on a late night train by myself. He suggested i go with some one. But who. I dont really have anyone to take me to the beat besides him. he suggested bronco but i dont think that'll happen. I just wish things were easier.

BTW i think i know how i feel about phil.

Slutty

2010-01-29T21:30:00.001+10:00

Another random title. I'm feeling a bit unmotivated

He likes me ... I think

2010-01-29T05:53:00.003+10:00

So i was talking to phil again last night. We talk (msn) pretty much everynight and still manage to have good conversations. And i think he likes me. And i'll tell you why. I told him i was thinking of taking another day off work soon cause it's turning my brain into mush. And then i was like maybe it could coincide with our movie marathon. And then i told him i was thinking of taking friday off. And he was that means i have to wait a whole week to see you (HINT!!! (maybe)) then he told me i should take tuesday off so we could watch movies monday night and i said i'll see what i can do. Then he said he missed talking to me the other night when he was at his friends (HINT!!!(maybe)). That made me blush, which i told him. Then we talked a bit more and it was kinda late so i told him i was going to bed and he said goodnight sweetie! (HINT!!!(maybe)). Then i asked him when i became sweetie and he said goodnight non-descript term of endearment and i said goodnight sweetie.

So i think he likes me but i've been wrong before. And i'm still not overly sure how i feel about him. Anyway, i'm trying not to think about it otherwise i will stuff it(?) up.

Also a big shoutout to princess who i've now told about this blog. He's the only friend i've told and i sent him a link to my blog because we dont get to talk as much as i like. He said i need to talk about him more :P

And thanks to everyone that left comments on my last post. If you haven't done so already it would be great if you could.

Thats all Folks!

I wanted to post a rick astley video here but i couldn't find one to embed. meh

BIG FAT PENIS

2010-01-28T19:22:00.003+10:00

Bet that got your attention. Unfortunately, for you, the title has absolutely nothing to do with today's post :P

Quick Question

How did you find my blog?

I'm really curious as to how different people stumbled upon my miniscule corner of the internet. I'd also really like to know what your first impression were and why you decided to keep reading.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME

If you're lucky i'll give you something :P

P.S. I'm typing this on my brand new computer. YAY!!

Pussywillow

2010-01-27T20:40:00.005+10:00

Bonus points (or something similar) if you can guess which movie the title of this post comes from.

So my life is pretty boring hence the random title. Worked again today. BLERGH!!

My laptop is seriously falling apart. I dont know where all these screws are coming from but they keep appearing so i'm getting a new one. I've already decided which one i'm going to get and tomorrow is late night shopping so i'm going to go down to the shop and have a look. It's going to be a compaq so i hope it's a good one.

Ummm. still not sure how i feel abou phil :S

I'm still not sure about the design of my blog. I keep changing it but i dont know. I went back to the black background but i'm not sure about what colour to keep on the blog. I did the picture behind the blog title but i dont know if i'll keep it.

So yeah. Boring

OH. And my brother is currently sitting in the middle of the loungeroom shaving his legs. And i'm the gay one (apparently i have grinch legs :$)

I Survived

2010-01-26T21:02:00.002+10:00

I survived Australia Day. My skin has returned to normal after spending all day submerged in water. And apparently we got to 39/40 degrees today, HOT (about 104 farenheit). So i finished the bottle of rum from the picture in the last post. I had a great BBQ lunch and listened to TripleJ's Hot 100. I liked the top 10 but some of them were a bit unexpected. We all knew mumford and sons would win it, even though i'm not a huge fan of the song (I didn't vote so i cant really complain). I completely forgot about lily allen and hilltop hoods but i'm glad they made it in. I'm so pleased that bluejuice made it in the top 10, and florence and the machine and lisa mitchell. I'm not overly fond of art vs science but i guessed that they would be up there (although i'll admit i didn't expect them to get 2nd). This is the first year that i've actually listened to the whole thing from 100 (well 101 this year - another bluejuice song) to 1. I love that flight of the concords got three songs in and i had to laugh everytime the presenters mentioned dicks on the dancefloor.

In other news, I should mention how much i love sport (hello, i'm australian). I'm currently watching the Australian Open. As usual there are no australians actually left. I really wanted Sam Stosur to make it further but she did well. I dont really care about Leyton Hewitt. Oh, and Andy Murray = *drool*
So I love sport. Love watching it and love playing it. I do, however, suck at sport. Most of the time I just play to make up numbers. I know i never excel at any of them but i still have fun. I haven't really played organised sport since i moved to brissie about two years ago but i have played a lot of different sports, to varying degrees of success. Here's a list for you
~cricket
~indoor cricket
~rugby league
~netball
~tennis
~AFL
~dodgeball (yes it counts, it has to for the amount i played)
~Golf
~Touch
~lawn bowls
~Volleyball
~Newcombe (I dont think this one really counts)
~ultimate disc
~swimming (I dont think this one should count but i'll mention it)

So yeah. My favourite sports teams are the Gold Coast Titans and the Brisbane Lions. They're in different codes so it's alright.

In case you hadn't noticed i changed my design of the blog and my tag line thingy. I dont really know what i think of this design. I might change it back still. Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

P.S. I'm kinda embarrased about putting up my bonds picture. I think i might delete it

Australia Day

2010-01-26T08:35:00.010+10:00

Happy Australia Day.

Today is Australia Day. It is celebrated every year on the 26th of January. It commemorates the colonisation of Australia OR the day the europeans stole Australia from the Aborigines (it's the same thing from different perspectives). I'm very pleased because Australia Day is a public holiday so i get to relax all day. Today i will be sitting in our little kiddies pool listening to triple J's Hottest 100. And BBQ for lunch which is always fun.

Given that it's Australia Day i thought i'd post some pictures/facts/videos about this great country of mine.

This is my Australia Flag Cape. You pretty much have to wear an australian flag at some point on Australia Day. It's an unwritten rule.

Bundaberg Rum - A personal favourite of mine

Vegemite - It's a bit of an aquired taste but i love it. Especially with grilled cheese

These are my thongs (or double pluggers). I pretty much wear them everyday when i'm at uni. PLease note - they are not called flip flops, sandals, jandals or any other name besides thongs (or double pluggers).

Me in my Bonds. Very Australian (even though they are made in china now)

Now for some facts about Australia
~Australia is the greatest country on earth (this is more personal opinion but i think it's fact)
~Australia's colours are green and gold
~Australia's highest point is Mount Kosciusko at just over 2000m (not very high in other words)
~Australia is the driest inhabited country on earth
~Australia was the second country to give women the right to vote
~Australia's national anthem is called Advance Australia Fare
~Australia was originally a penal settlement (mainly petty theft)
~Australia is home to the worlds only 2 monotremes - the echidna and platypus
~Emu's and Kangaroo's cannot walk backwards and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason
~Australian's eat emu's and Kangaroo's (I like kangaroo but have never tried emu)
~Australia is home to the worlds deadliest marine creature, spider and snake
~Australia was the first country to beat the americans at the america's cup (sailing)
~The melbourne cup is also known as the race that stops a nation (its a horse race and i've never lost money on it).
~the capital of australia is Canberra
~the 25th of april is a very important day in Australia, it is known as ANZAC Day

Now for some videos

No amount of sam kekovich can make me like lamb chops. And i dont think any of you will get the football joke about sharing what you find in pubs unless you're australian but it's funny.

Pretty Cool Cat

2010-01-25T21:50:00.003+10:00

So i chatted to my friend phil as usual last night. And we just had a normal conversation till this bit of it. I pretty much copied this directly out of the msn window

Tommy says:
hey can i ask you a question
Phil says:
Sure thing ^^
Tommy says:
you have to answer honestly
but how do you think of me?
honest answer remember
Phil says:
You think I don't always answer honestly? =/
Tommy says:
well i'm sure you do
Phil says:
Haha, I do >.<. Lying is a sin. When people sin, baby Jesus cries .
Tommy says:
lol
Phil says:
Well, metaphorical baby Jesus cries xD.
And I've told you! I think you're a pretty cool cat >.<
Tommy says:
yes i know that
god this is going to sound stupid
do you think of me as a friend?
or what
Phil says:
LOL.
Yeah man. We're mates =].
Why - don't you?
Tommy says:
i do
i was just curious
as to wat your thoughts were
Phil says:
Haha, I know you wouldn't have said 'I do' if I didn't xD.
Which is why you asked. The safer option ^^
Tommy says:
lol
Phil says:
Safer than proclamation, I mean
Tommy says:
i do think of you as a friend
Phil says:
Haha, excellent .
Tommy says:
yeah
:$
anyways
Phil says:
Haha, yeah man.
TommyMannuem says:
hmmm

Phil says:
I like it how you didn't really protest what I just said xD.
I know your games.
xD.
Tommy says:
what games
Phil says:
Haha, well not 'games' as such.
Tommy says:
lol
Phil says:
But I'm sure you get my drift >.<
TommyMannuem says:
nope
not really

i suck at reading signals remember
kinda why i asked

Phil says:
Haha, nah man. I reckon you're craftier than you are letting on at the moment xD.
Tommy says:
really
how so
Phil says:
In many different ways.
Which I shall not elaborate on, for you are aware of them too xD.
Tommy says:
lol
ok

anyways
sorry if that was awkward
Phil says:
Haha, nah man! That's perfectly fine, hey!
In all honesty, I don't know if I've made my mind up >.<
Tommy says:
ok
me either
Phil says:
See, I was totally right just then xD.
Tommy says:
:$
now i feel stupid
Phil says:
That's okay, man. I know you like me. I just have to decide whether the feeling's mutual, is all.
Tommy says:
well i like you
but i dont know how much
if that makes sense
wait how do you know i like you
Phil says:
It's pretty obvious >.<
Tommy says:
really
:$
Phil says:
Yeah man.
I can tell xD.
Tommy says:
how?
so i can hide things better
Phil says:
Haha, some things you just can't hide.
Or maybe I'm incredibly intuitive?
Tommy says:
maybe
Phil says:
Nah, I am when I'm looking for something. And I was conscious of that, so yeah.
Tommy says:
so you were looking for something?
Phil says:
That was a bad choice of words.
Tommy says:
yeah
Phil says:
Ummmmmm. When I'm conscious of someone who might be hiding something.
Tommy says:
ahhh
ok
we can change the topic if you want
Phil says:
Haha, it's cool, man ^^
I'm not as uncomfortable as you are, I bet xD.
Tommy says:
yeah
i really suck at this stuff
:$
Phil says:
Haha, I know .
But you have other strengths, so all is well =]
Tommy says:
really
thanks i guess
HOMG i just realised that you agreed with me sucking

Phil says:
Haha, get your mind out of the gutter! xD
Tommy says:
lol
you get your mindout of the gutter
i was talking about me sucking with guys
i mean dealing with guys and talking to them
and stuff
god i suck

Phil says:
Haha, you ain't foolin' nobody, G.
Tommy says:
lol
apparently not
you're just to smart for me
Phil says:
Lol, sif. You're doing engineering. I'm doing education. I think that that means you're smarter xD.
Tommy says:
yeah but i've failed some things
ad you're much better at social things than i am
Phil says:
Haha, well I have to be a teacher, you're forgetting. And teachers MUST be sociable creatures ^^
Engineers - not so much.
Tommy says:
yeah
i guess
now you're the one being coy

Phil says:
Haha, how was that coy?!
Tommy says:
you totally are
i not that stupid
even i can tell you are being coy
Phil says:
LOL!
That doesn't make sense!
Tell me EXACTLY where I was being coy?
And I didn't call you coy xD. Or even imply it, for that
matter ^^
At least, I don't think I did? =/
Tommy says:
well you kinda did with the playing games comment
but anyways
i feel really stupid now
maybe we should change the topic
Phil says:
LOL! That wasn't being coy! That was totes being like... mysterious and subtle.
Tommy says:
lol
what do you think coy is
isn't that coy
Phil says:
Coy means shy xD.
Tommy says:
oh
woops

Phil says:
LOL! You're such a dork ^^
Tommy says:
you are

Phil says:
Nuh-uh!
TommyMannuem says:
yeh-ha
!!
Phil says:
I'm PRETTY SURE you're wrong xD.
Tommy says:
i know you are you said you se but what am i
wow!! that wasimmature
Phil says:
Indeed it was ^^
Tommy says:
lol
anyways
how about a new topic
Phil says:
Sure thing xD.
Tommy says:
i think i've made this awkward eough for tonight
Phil says:
Haha, I'm not awkward at all, man .
Tommy says:
lol
you're not awkward
the conversation was a little awkward
Phil says:
Perhaps it was. I didn't find it overly awkward, though xD.
So yeah, when's this movie night thing happening?

So the convo continued for quite a bit after that but that bit didn't really help me. I still dont know how he feels about me. And i still dont know how i feel about him. Alright so i might have given my thoughts away a bit when i took my shirt off in front of him. But yeah. Maybe we'll work things out by our movie night. Maybe he'll make the first move on me, considering he knows that i am practically incapable of making the first move.

SEX

2010-01-24T15:44:00.002+10:00

This is the third recount about my life changing couple of past days. I didn't really do anything saturday. I just kinda lazed around the house and had "me time". four lots of me time in fact. I also had a, ummm, sexual thing saturday night but i dont know if i should talk about that. What do you guys think?

My Sister

2010-01-24T13:21:00.003+10:00

So this is my second recount of the past couple of (life changing) days

FRIDAY (evening)

So i got home from my epic day of epicness with phil. I kind of stuffed around for a bit but then my sister rang. we had a bit of a generic conversation. Talked about my life and the house she's buying and stuff. Then she asked me if everything was alright and if i needed to tell her anything. Now i know my mother mentioned something but i just didn't feel like telling her. So i said nothing was wrong and that was about it. Then about 5 minutes later my mother rang me, in tears. She said all this stuff like how the family is falling apart and i have to tell my sister and all this other stuff. Some of it was to do with me some of it was to do with my sister and older brother and my mums visit not long ago. So i got off the phone to my mum and rang my sister back. So i rang my sister back and just flat out told her i was gay (i might have been a bit blunt about it). She got a bit upset and asked mainly the same stuff my mum did. She cryed and took it worse than my mum so yeah. I got of the phone and my mum rang me back. She said i wasn't on the phone long and asked what i said, etc.

So it turns out my mother was having some problems with my sexuality. She was overly worried and thinking about stereotypes and what not. i assured her i have no interest in getting a piercing, or tattoo, or fashion. I dont want to dress in womens clothes and i'm not going to be prancing down the street. My mum doesn't think i'm effemanant (female) enough to be gay. She also asked me if i'd ever been with a girl. I said no. She asked me how i knew if i was gay if i've never been with a girl. This is when my brother came down to my room. I guess he knew something was happening and came to check on me. He walked in when i asked my mum if she'd ever been with a woman and how did she know she wasn't a lesbian. My brother asked if i was alright and if i wanted him to take the phone and talk to her. I said it was fine and kept talking to mum. Not long after i got off the phone to mum and had a great conversation with my brother. We talked about me coming out to my mum. And my gay friends and my sex life (to a certain extent). This was stuff we hadn't talked about before. I kinda explained the idea of tops and bottoms. He asked me if i was offende by the word faggot and said he'd try to remove it from his vocabulary. This conversation was happening while we were cooking dinner. So just as we finished getting dinner ready the phone rang again. I went to pick it up but my brother said he'd get it. We both knew it was my mum. So my brother answered the phone and suprise suprise it was my mum. My brother had this really long conversation with her and i didn't hear all of it but i heard some things my brother said and they were really great. He was so great and i think my mum understands a bit better now. After he got off the phone to my mum he called my sister. Now i know my sister was upset but i know that some of it was because of her boyfriends sister. Apparently she's a lesbian but my sister doesn't really think so. She thinks that she is making it harder for people like me to come out but yeah. So my brother talked to my sister and i think everything will be alright now. So that was pretty much friday for me.

Epic Day of Epicness

2010-01-24T11:50:00.003+10:00

So my life has changed a bit over the past couple of days. I'd just like to thank everyone for their comments. I came out to my mum on thursday so i thought i'd catch people up on the past couple of days.

FRIDAY (day)

So i woke up early on friday as per usual. I got ready early and went to centrelink at about 8.30am. Now centrelink can be quite annoying. I got there and they told me i couldn't do what i had come to do. I need to do it over the phone. GAHH!! I was like why the fuck does it say i can come in and do it then. So i got slightly annoyed at centrelink but just left it.

So I drove over to Phil's place to pick him up for our epic day of epicness. Now we've never meet before so i was a little nervous. He's cute and kinda hot in an nerdy/dorky kinda way. So we drove to southbank talking bout lots of things. When we got there we went to GOMA (Gallery of modern art). Now i'm probably not the best person to go to an art gallery with. I mean i like art but some of this stuff was stupid. I probably annoyed the shit out of phil with my talking too. So we went to GOMA then we walked over the river into the city. Phil took me to his favourite tea shop which was interesting. I got a mango jelly juice. Not really my thing but good none the less. Then we went to borders so he could finish the last four pages of a book he was reading. He couldn't find it so we left. Then we went to myers and looked at some clothes. I have no fashion sense so he chose some things out for me. He managed to get me to try on skinny jeans, which was interesting. I've never worn skinny jeans before, mainly cause i dont think i have the body for it. OK, so i'll admit they were kinda comfy but it took so long to get them on and off.I had trouble getting them over my heel when i was putting them on then i had to sit down to get them off again. Apparently they looked good on me but i dont know where i'd where them. And apparently they could be tighter. I was just like ok :S ( i dont think i could go tighter, i'm not that confident). I also tried on some shirts and found out that green and blue look good on me but yellow doesn't. After that we decided to get back to epicness and went to the casino. This was also a first for me (i'm like the worst 19 year old ever). So we went and played the pokies for a bit. I won some money so i only ended up spending a dollar which was good. We had a bit of a look around the casino then we went and got lunch and ate it in the botanical gardens. Very relaxing. Then we walked back over to southbank and just had a chat. Oh, and i saw one of my friends from uni, twice, that could have been a lot more awkward. So yeah, we talked about lots of things and had a good day. It wasn't overly epic but it was still fun. I think we're just going to end up as friends. But there were a couple of times i wished that we would kiss. But i dont know. We've already organised our next day together. We're going to have a little movie marathon (some like it hot, sweeny todd, district 9, wall-e) and he's going to teach me to knit and rap in russian. I dont know when it will actually happen but hopefully soon. So I dropped phil home and then came back to my house.

My Brother

2010-01-23T16:56:00.001+10:00

This is just a quick post to say that i'm now out to most of my immediate family and my older brother is the bestest brother in the entire world

I Sit Here Crying

2010-01-21T20:37:00.006+10:00

At the moment i am sitting here crying. I have just come out to my mother and i cant stop crying. I dont even know why i'm crying. We were talking on the phone for the second time tonight and it was just the usual stuff. We talked about money and cleaning the house and uni and it went around in cicles a bit. She told me that i need to have a social life and she's worried i'm not happy and everyone says its so hard to talk to me and she says i never tell anyone anything. And i just told her i was gay. and she said are you serious and i said yes. And she said ok. She said it she wasn't suprised and she'd expected it. The thing that seemed to worry her the most seemed to be the pornography. Well not even the pornography but me looking at the pornography. About a million times she said i need to stop looking at pornography otherwise i might click on underage picture and i'll be branded for life. I'm like i'm not that stupid it wont happen. She asked me if i'd been a "relationship". i knew what she meant and i said yes but lied a bit. I told her i'd only been with one guy and it was only a few times. She asked me how i met him and i said i met him at uni(kinda a lie. I dont think my mum needs to know about my sex life that much. The guy i referred to is real and we were together briefly and it was a mutual end but we didn't actually have anal sex). She asked about sex and i assured her that i always used a condom and i dont want to put myself in danger so i would never do anything stupid. She then asked if i was the man or the woman in the realtionship (this annoyed me a little but i just let her go) I told her the truth. I've only ever been the man. She also asked why i hadn't told her when she had asked the thousand times before. I told her it was very confusing and i had to be comfortable with myself before i could tell anyone else. She felt a little dissapointed that i took until now to tell her given that i knew she'd be alright with it. I think it was around this point that i started crying. I tried to hide it but my mum knew. I cant remember everything we talked about. She asked me when i had decided and i said you dont decide i just am. She asked me if i had considered suicide and i said never. She told me that she thinks i should see a counseller, not because i have a problem but because i need to talk to someone about my confusions. She pointed out the fact that i'm not really feminine and asked what i felt when i saw someone like W (one half of a gay couple that are family friends) who is over the top gay. She asked me if i had feelings for my friend james and i told her i didn't and that i've never thought about my friends like that. We talked about coming out to my friends and she asked if she could tell her best friend. She asked if i wanted M & W's number so i could talk to them. I said no because i wouldn't know what to talk about. She talked about relationships and it cant just be about sex. Then she asked me if at 70 when i looked back on my life if i would be happy with it and not being able to have my own family. I told her i could still have a family and she said yes but its a lot harder. We talked about predjudice and how it could affect my job chances and life. She talked about gay bashings. I told her i probably wouldn't come out to any of my uni friends. They dont need to know. We talked about coming out to my dad and she said she could tell him but she'd prefer if i did it. She said he was the most reasonable and understanding person in the world. One of the last things she said was that she wasn't ashamed of me and she thinks you're born this way but she was sorry if there was anything that her or my dad had done that had influenced me or made me turn out this way. I told her i was born this way and they were great parents. Then we said goodbye and i told her i loved her.

So i've just stopped crying and my mum just rang again. She said that she just wanted to check if i was alright (probably because if the crying). She said she had told my dad because she didn't think i was up to it now. We talked about some more stuff like telling my 2 little brothers and my sister. I have planned to tell my sister but i think i'll do it tomorrow.

So thats it for now. I'm definately on my way

P.S. I'm meeting phil for the first time tomorrow for our "epic day of epicness" which should be fun. I'll let you know how it goes

Man-date (and other random things)

2010-01-20T06:27:00.005+10:00

So last night i went on a man-date with my friend Bronco. This was the first time we'd actually met so i was a bit nervous but i had lots of fun. He picked me up and we went and had these massive burgers at garden city then we went to see Bran Nue Dae. It was a pretty good movie but that ending was like WTF?! Now i'm glad is was just a man-date and not a date date because i dont think i could have handled that.
(Man-date : A date between two male friends with a plutonic relationship, see also bromantic :P) We got along really well and chatted about tonnes of different things so it was a good night.

In other news a couple of posts ago i mentioned that some guy wanted me to be his "master". Thats not going to happen because that guy is fucking weird. I was willing to give it a try to a certain extent but then he mentioned tasers and whipping and i was like "Oh Fuck". The stuff he was saying made me want to vomit. I dont think i'll ever talk to him again.

I need a new computer. The one i have is falling apart

I've come to the decision that my mum will know i am of the male persuasion by the end of the month at the latest. I want her to know and i think it will make some things easier. Unfortunately i kinda have to make a big deal out of it because she's asked me about my sexuality before and i denied it.

I've made a new friend who shall go by the name phil. We get along really well and have big long conversations on msn. It's just easy to chat to him, he's around my age and goes tothe same uni as me. I think i'm meeting him friday. We've kinda planned an epic day of epicness so i'll let you know how it goes. He also wants to take me to the beat sometime. I've never been before so it should be interesting. (the beat is like the main gay club in brisbane)

Work is boring and really busy.

So thats my life at the moment. I'll keep you updated

I'm Single

2010-01-18T21:15:00.003+10:00

So i made the decision and broke up with my boyriend (sexy abs) yesterday. I felt terrible while i was doing it but i think it was the right thing to do. It just wasn't really working. I kept apologising and everything but he seemed alright with it. I told him he was a great guy and i'd still like to be friends and maybe we could try again later. So yeah. I'm back on the market

I'd like to thank everyone for their comments. I'm sorry i haven't answered many of your questions. I'll try to get around to it. Feel free to ask me questions and i really will try to get to them

So Confused

2010-01-17T09:32:00.003+10:00

I'm so confused right now. Now i'm thinking that i dont want to break up with him. God this sucks. Why cant things just be plain and simple. It ould make things so much easier. I dont even know if i am going to see him today. maybe i should just break up with him and we can try again a bit later, like after he's 18. then again i dont know

:$

In other news apparently some guy wants me to be his master so thats kinda interesting. so yeah

Sorry

2010-01-17T06:41:00.003+10:00

First of all i want to say sorry. I realise my last post was a little vague and erratic so i'm sorry for that. But thank you for all the support. I shouldn't post when i'm in a crappy mood like yesterday.

I'll try and clear things up for you now.

I'm thinking of breaking up with sexy abs. So i've been feeling a little all over the shop lately and i just dont know how i feel about him. I mean he's nice and everything but i dont know. I dont really seem to have any sort of connection there anymore. We didn't see each other yesterday like i was hoping for which really sucked cause i was hoping to talk to him. Instead i had to bring it up with him on facebook. Which wasn't ideal. I told him i was really confused and i wasn't sure how i felt about him and us. He asked me what i wanted and i said i dont know. Then he asked me what i thought i wanted. And i couldn't answer him. I dont even know what i think i want (if that makes sense). I apologised lots of times and said i'd really like to see him today just to talk things over. I'm 80% sure i''ll dump him today but i dont know. I just feel like i'll see him and want to kiss him all over again. I'm so confused. Why can't life be easy. Another reason i want to dump him is because i thought about cheating on him the otehr day. I very seriously considered it. But i didn't do it. I dont want to be that person, i dont want to be that sort of guy. But i was more than ready for it and thats just as bad as cheating on him. I'm just so confused. Maybe i wasn't ready for a boyfriend. Maybe we've just run our natural course. God why can't things be easier. His situation hasn't helped this any either. I dont know what to do. And if we break up how do i do it. I've never broken up with anyone before. I wouldn't know where to start. He really is a nice guy and i dont want to hurt him. Hopefully we can see each other today and sort things out. Now i'm more sure that i want to break up with him. God dammit

I did talk to a couple of friends about it but thank you for all your offers. I'm still waiting for my 10 comments on my help me post but :P

I'm a Terrible Person

2010-01-16T16:40:00.001+10:00

I'm a terrible person. a terrible fucking person. I'm so confused right now. I lead a crappy life. why can't everything just make sense and be easy. FUCK!!!

Help Me

2010-01-16T12:09:00.002+10:00

So i'm thinking about the design of my blog and i'm thinking about changing it. But i dont know if i should. I was thinking about maybe putting some pictures up. But yeah.
I'm also thinking about changing my display picture but i dont know if i should. And i dont know what i should change it too.

So any advice or ideas would be welcome. I have 20 followers (yay! thank you) so i should at least get 10 comments. OR ELSE :P

Give me an oscar already

2010-01-15T06:51:00.005+10:00

So i pulled a sickie at work again yesterday and finished at 11:30. My performance (title reference :P) must have been better than i thought because i even had the production manager and owner convinced. I'm pretty sure i'll stick out a full day today though.

I've still been thinking about coming out a lot. I've decided that sometime soon i'm just going to ring my mum and tell her that i'm gay. Then she can tell my dad. I dont think i will tell my 2 little brothers either. I dont think they're mature enough yet. Also i have no idea how/when to come out to my friends. The thing is i guess i dont really have any super close friends. I also have different groups of friends. I have my uni friends, Who i dont think i'll ever tell. I know them and they're nice but i dont think they'll accept it. the thing is i see them everyday so :$. I also have my friends from high school. i dont see them as often as i'd like but there are a few of them down here. I'd really like to tell my friend james first. I'm probably closest to him but i dont know how he'll take it. Well i have ideas and i'm pretty sure he'll start by saying WTF?!. I also have my gay friends who i've met through manhunt so i dont need to tall them. Anyways, i'll keep you updated.

i wanked three times yesterday but i think thats acceptable because i was super horny. i'm not going to say where stuff went but it was very messy.

I'm pretty sure i'm going to see my boyfriend this weekend. He seems really up for it and my house is going to be empty all weekend (thank you Big Day Out). I told him to let me know when he's available and we'll do whatever he wants to do. i also told him that if he comes over he should bring his speedos so we can relax in our kiddies pool (i also want to see him in speedo's *blush*).

i also want to give a big shoutout to Aaron from beautifool chaos. He's not blogging at the moment but he's still around. When i started blogging i certainly didn't expect to find anyone else in brissie. Well i've been chatting to Aaron a bit and it turns out he works at the uni i attend. he's pretty nice too. I suggest you go read all his old posts. He mentioned the other night that he might come back to blogging so keep an eye out for him. Also he found me on an internet "dating" site the other night but i didn't know it was him. I wont tell you what his user name is but i will tell you that he has some nice pictures. From what i've seen.

Also, I've been trying to help out my friend bronco. He's been having some guy troubles lately so i've been trying to keep him in a good mood. I told him that i used to have a little crush on him and he said he used to have a little crush on me. This took me by suprise because i never thought he was interested. What can i say, i'm bad at reading signals. Anyways, i still kinda have a little crush on him though i like sexy abs much much more.

Well thats what has been happening. Sorry its a bit all over the shop.

P.S. I have slept a little better lately. I have the fan beside my bed on full bore and i might have slept naked once or twice (thanks Dzyan ;) ). Anyways. That's me

Coming Out

2010-01-13T15:47:00.005+10:00

So i've been thinking about coming out a lot lately. I thought about coming out at work today. I was thinking about coming out in the shower the other morning (what would happen i mean, not coming out while i was in the shower). I thought about it before i went to sleep the other night. So i've been thinking about it a lot and i though i'd do the story so far.

So currently only a few people i care about know i like guys. So friends i've made off the internet know, obviously, and my older brother who i live with knows (and his girlfriend but i dont really count her). And this is how i came out to my brother.

So i came home one day in late november. I think I was coming home from uni and it was kinda late (during final exams). Well I walked into the loungeroom and my brother was using my computer (which he does a lot and it annoys me immensly). Well i walked in and i knew straight away it was going to happen. I dont know how i just did. So he was on my computer getting photos for his 21st. And I had certain pictures on there so i tried to get him off there but i still knew it was going to happen. So things were normal for a while. We ate dinner and had a chat and what not. Then after dinner he came out of the kitchen and he's like I want to talk to you about something. He said he wanted me to tell the truth and be myself. He had brought up my sexuality before when he found a rather homoerotic video on my computer. I denied it and blamed it on a computer virus that downloaded random files. I dont think he believed me.
Anyway, He brought the topic up but i dont remember everything that was said. I remember the main points. He said i was still his brother no matter what and he'd support me. I wasn't really expecting this because i know my brother. He can be rascist and bigotted and pretty mean (not my ideal choice as the first person to come out to). He also said to be careful cause you have a higher chance of getting STI's if you have anal sex (i dont know if this is actually true but i just went along with it and told him i alway use a condom). I told him i was a bisexual. He ased questions about how long it had been happening and if it was just happening because i was 19 and still a virgin (i actually lost my virginity at 17 but he doesn't know that). I told him some half truths, to kind of ease him into it i guess. Ummm. I'm really having a hard time remembering what we talked about. I know i was chatting to a guy on facebook while this was happening. We'd been on a couple of dates then he broke it off then he told me he still liked me.

Back to my story. I told him i was bi. And he asked me if i was just saying that cause i was to scared to say i was gay. Which i kinda was but i was still confused (i dont know how kids can be so sure of themselves at like 13 :$). I said i still thought about girls. Which i do sometimes but its kinda rare. He was like OK you're bi but eventually you're going to have to choose if you're gay or straight. Being bi is fine while you're young but you'll have to choose. I was like i'm pretty sure being bi isn't like that but i will at some point end up in a homosexual or heterosexual relationship but i can still be bi. I can't really remember anything else but i do remember one of the last things he said to me was i need to respect myself. He said he'd seen things he probably shouldn't have seen (pictures of me in minimal or no clothing) and it was probably his fault (it was. I've told him a million times to use his computer or buy a new one if his doesn't work) but i need to respect myself.

And thats pretty much my only coming out story so far. I kinda listened to him and deleted my pictures off the internet (though i know they're still out there in some form. I was smart enough not to show my face) and deleted my xtube account (yes i had one. It was my first real foray into the gay world and it gave me some self confidence. Good comments can do that) and yeah. He asked me if i wanted to tell his girlfriend or if he should do it. And i was like can we just wait a while you're the first person i've told and he was like no i made her talk to her parents about her sister so i'm going to tell her. And i was like fine you can tell her i'm going to bed.

My sexuality hasn't been mentioned since though my brothers girlfriend did tell me that if i wanted to talk she was there. She was pretty drunk and also said i could punch her in the face so i'm not sure if she meant it. In any case we haven't talked about it.

About a fortnight after that i went to visit my sister on the sunshine coast for a couple of days. I had decided i was going to tell her and i had it all planned out in my head. I was going to wait till just before i left then i was going to say i liked guys. I thought about it so much and i knew it was coming up and i was so nervous, i kept on going to the toilet. I kept on thinking different scenarios over in my head then when it came time to leave i couldn't do it. I just could bring myself to say that i had something to tell her. That i liked guys. I dont know what it was but i just got back in my car and drove back to brissie. I kinda felt ashamed of myself for not telling her but i just couldn't do it.

Well that's the story so far. Sorry if it's a bit all over the place but it was kinda hard for me to write it. I'll keep you updated.

I forgot a title

2010-01-13T15:29:00.005+10:00

So i woke up really early again and tossed and turned in bed for about an hour before actually doing anything. I faked sick at work today and got home at about 1.30pm. I really just didn't feel like working. Anyway, I'm getting kinda excited because i might be seeing my boyfriend this weekend. I haven't seen him since the 20th of december so it's been nearly a month. I can't wait. i just want to hold him in my arms and spend time with him. Our relationship has been pretty tame to this point as we haven't really done much. Probably due to a lack of opportunity and place. Anyways i'm really hoping that everything comes together and i'll see him and his sexy abs.

In other news we're back to the summer weather in brissie. The flies are out in full force and it is meant to be above 30 degrees celcius all week. I dont mind it now but if it gets up to above 35 i will not be happy. I kinda wish i had a pool right now.

not quite yet

2010-01-12T21:05:00.004+10:00

And just when i thought things were starting to go back to normal (what the hell is normal anyway). So my brother is still annoying the shit out of me. And there's still a bit of a standoff with mum. Its not as obvious because we live about three hours away from our parents but it's still there. So my brother had a "discussion" with my mum tonight. I think he's actually on the phone to her now. (i'm trying not to get involved). Anyway they are kinda being civil to each other but they're still disagreeing on everything. I can kinda see bith sides of the argument though i will say that, even though our mum has our best interests at heart, she can at times be quite controlling at times. Then again my brother can be quite rude and arrogant. Unfortunately i dont see it ending soon but i hope it does. I'm still not sleeping well and i woke up even earlier today (3.40am) and tossed and turned for about 2 hours.. All in all my day was kinda busy but boring.

Please note i do have a dad but he doesn't really get involved either. He's more the silent type so yeah

thats all.

5 poofs

2010-01-12T18:03:00.001+10:00

There's no real reason for this post other than i'm bored and and i think Tim Minchin is pretty good

:)

2010-01-11T20:54:00.001+10:00

So i'm off my man-rags now. I really like this song and i've been hearing it on the radio a lot lately. So yay

Pleasant Suprises

2010-01-11T18:01:00.006+10:00

So i had a bit of a crappy sleep last night and woke up at 4.30am this morning. Now i usually wake up early but even that was a bit early for me. So i decided to fill in my time by reading some blogs. I was pleasantly suprised when i found out me and my blog had been mentioned on a couple of other blogs. I didn't expect it and it made me feel pretty good. The fact that someone likes my blog enough to mention it on their blog is pretty awesome. So thanks to Dzyan and the other blogger i can't remember (let me know if it's you). It was a very nice suprise.

Another pleasant little suprise happened the other day. A guy (not my boyfriend) called me a stud. Now this isn't a word i'd associate with myself, and if you saw me you'd know why. I'm not at all studly. I'm tall and gangly and awkward and i have no muscles. But anyway, it was a good suprise. We were chatting online for the first time just talking about ourselves to each other. And he said i sounded like a stud. I was like, you're just being nice. And then he said No, you sound pretty perfect to me. Now i dont know if he was just being nice or if he actually meant it but it made me feel pretty good about myself.

I'd like to thank everyone for their comments as they're pleasant little suprises too. I probably make my brother sound worse than he is. I'm sure he has good qualities within him somewhere. Thanks everyone

And i just remembered that today i found out i was born in the chinese year of the horse and this year is meant to be really good for me. Lets hope it's the case and this year gets better

EDIT: The other blog was But Time Makes You Bolder so thanks for that

i hate my brother

2010-01-10T17:48:00.004+10:00

My brother has been so annoying since mums visit. He's like you need to clean the kitchen better (apparently he was upset that i didn't put the toaster away. Its a toaster. It gets used every day. It stays on the bench) you need to do this, you need to do that.I'm just like fuck you. You're the reason mum said she wants to commit suicide not me. AND then before he's like you're cooking dinner tonight which i'm alright with (i do it the most anyway). And then he's like you have to make sausages and veggies or steak and vegies. WTF!! I'm the one cooking not you. What if i dont want them. GAHH!!!!!! Anyways, i'm going to make sausages and salad as a bit of a middle ground. I really dont want to fight him cause we get violent. Like him trying to strangle me in the pool christmas before last. Or breaking 2 doors and ending the fight with him banging my head into the kitchen floor while sitting on me.

Why can't he just be a good person

Oh. And another thing. I can hardly get into MY bathroom because him and his stupid slutty girlfriend have all their crap in there. Its like they're doing a months worth of washing at once. I know the washing machine is in my bathroom but do all your dirty clothes and sheets really need to be dumped in a pile in the middle of my bathroom. I have to use it remember.

Sorry for ranting