I'm Old

I feel like i should write something but at the same time i'm not exactly sure what to write.

I'm no longer a teenager. I know it's a little silly but i feel as if i've wasted my youth. Not that i can really do anything to change that now. My parents got me a new hoodie, some t-shirts, a new wallet, a book called I Kill (which made me realise that i have a disturbing amount of serial killer books) and acne cleanser (obviously from my mother who cares more about how my face looks than i do, so annoying). They also got me a caramel cheesecake as my birthday cake, which was pretty good. I had planned to go to the uni pub after class on tuesday to celebrate my birthday but only one of my friends turned up so i postponed it indefinately. So all in all my birthday was typically boring. I went to uni, I came home, I had some cake and i went to bed.

I also joined gaydar the other day. I have no idea why though, I guess i was bored. I probably had some stupid romantic delusion where i'd meet this wonderful guy on there and we'd fall in love, etc etc. I dont see it happening. Everyone on there seems to have at least a decade on me (which i think is just a little too old for me at the moment).

And that's about it. My life continues down its boring and uneventful path. I'm on a break from uni for the next week but i'm not sure how much holidaying i'll get to do. I'm hoping to catch up on all this uni work.

I'd totally do Jessica Biel

I figured you guys deserved a proper update from me instead of my tweets about masterchef and my terrible story writing. I have 41 followers now which is good. Thanks to all of you. Here's whats been happening.

So i got my results from the past semester and i did so badly that i got an academic warning. That pretty much means that if i dont improve this coming semester i'll get kicked out of uni. Not exactly the best feeling in the world. Due to the results and the fact that i've been losing interest in my courses i have changed majors. I am now doing mining engineering which i'm hoping will go better. It is more assignment based than exam based which will be good for me. I also considered changing to a bachelor of reginal and town planning but i didnt get a chance to speak to the course advisor (yet) and i'm not sure if i'll be able to change mid-year. Also the fact that my GPA is abysmal probably wouldnt help either. I had my special exam today which i failed massively. I had sort of given up on it because i'm changing majors and the actual content wasnt really appealing (i know its bad and i should have tried harder). I've decided to put this past semester behind and just try and move on and make sure i pass everything this coming semester. I really dont want to get kicked out of uni.

So a couple of weeks ago I had to pick up my sister and her bf from the airport and take them back to their place on the sunny coast. Then i drove back to the farm and stayed with my family for a couple of days. It was good to be back on the farm. There's something comforting about it. The thing i miss most about the farm is the pot belly stove and also i kinda miss the shower (I realise how silly this sounds). I mucked around with my two little brothers and i went and saw The A-Team with some friends i hadnt seen in a while and it was mostly good. However, if i have to hear my mother say given the lifestyle you're leading once more time . Actually the one that really annoys me is when she asks if i'm "seeing someone". There's just something about the way she says it that's annoying. So i had a little disagreement with my mother towards the end of my stay. And they've sort of conitinued on and off for the past week or so. Back to the A-Team, I'd totally do jessica biel. Just thought you should know.

Now if you've looked at my twitter you will know that i've been on 2 dates lately, with the same guy. We have tentative plans for another one tomorrow night. I'm not sure if i should call them dates though. I'm really bad at this stuff and i'm already getting nervous about tomorrow and i dont even know if it's definitely happening. I'm not sure if this guy likes me and here's why. He's not online much which i'm alright with but he doesnt really text me either. He'll respond to my texts but i havent really got an out of the blue text from him. And i dont want to text him to much incase i annoy him or he doesnt like me. I should however say that when he replies to my texts he's really nice. I asked him out last saturday (it was very short notice) and he said he would've loved to but he was meeting friends. So i'm not really sure if he likes me. I think i'm convincing myself that he doesnt like me so i wont be so hurt if it turns out that way. I guess i'll have to wait till tomorrow night and see. On our second date we went to the movies and i was too nervous to even hold his hand, that's how bad i am at this stuff. I cant read signals and stuff. I need to be more confident, easier said than done.

So my last two post have been that story. I got 3 positive comments on the first part and 1 positive comment on the second part so if that continues i'll get 1 negative comment on the third part. I'm not really sure when i'll get the third part done cause i'm sort of writing it as i go, off the cuff. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions i'd welcome them. You'll probably get part three sometime before the end of the week seeing as next week i start back up at uni. I really need to get a job this semester too. i'd love to work at a cinema or something. Just as long as its not in the hospitality/food industry. I've done enough of that already.

At the moment i'm trying to see how long i can go without masturbating. I was meant to start yesterday but that didnt really pan out for me. Now the reason i'm doing this is because i masturbate too much. Also someone told me that if you cum in the same way too much then you wont be able to cum in other ways. Now i'm not sure how true this is but i'm willing to give it a go. So today is day one of my no masturbating challenge. I'm hoping to make it to the weekend at the least. I'm not sure how, or what i'll do with all my extra time so if someone wants to give me some ideas.

I got some cheap canvases this arvo and did some painting. It was fun, even if my painting looked better in my imagination. It's not finished yet and i'm not sure what to do with it. It looks alright from a distance but if you're too close it looks kind of crappy. Its a bit of a landscape but i dont think the colours are quite right. Maybe i'll put a picture of it up at some point. Its in my room at the moment cause i dont want my brother to see it, or his gf.

I'm sure lots of other things have happened but thats all i can think of at the moment. Hope you're all alright.

Confused little me

Where to start. I cant remember what my last post was about, or when i actually did it. So here goes.

I have finished all my exams, for now. I missed one of them due to illness so i'm going to sit a special just before next semester starts. I'm feeling better about engineering but i dont know how i've gone on my exams. I'm hoping it's better than expected.
So i had my last exam on friday and i went from the exam room to the uni bar. It was fun until i made a fool of myself on the way home. It wasnt a pretty sight.
My wisdom teeth are still being bitches. I'm going to see the dentist tomorrow to talk about taking them out so we'll see. I cant wait to get them out even if it's going to cost me more money than i have. My tonsilitus is gone now too so thats good.
My mum came and visited the other day and she thinks i'm dying. Apparently i shake too much and i'm too skinny.I lost about 5 kilos lately, probably due to the tonsilitus, So now i weigh about 75-76kg. Just to put that into perspective, I'm 190cm tall or 6ft2.
Now onto the real drama of my life, guys. I suck at everything to do with guys. I wish my feelings could just be clear cut and instantaneous and everything would be simple. So there are 2 guys at the moment and i'm not sure how i feel about them. So the first one shall be known as the italian. He's of italian heritage and he's in his early 20's. He has a very good career and he seems really nice. The second guy shall be known as ... ummm ... the second guy cause i cant think of a name at the moment. So he's just a couple of months older than me. He's still at uni and he's studying to be a teacher. He speaks french and he seems very nice. Are we seeing a pattern here. I dont know how i feel about either of them. They've both shown some interest, the second guy more than the italian. But i have been talking to the italian for longer than the second guy. However we havent talked lately. I just dont know what to do. I havent had any interest in ages and now i get 2 at once. Yeah. Any hints for me would be muchly appreciated. I spoke to the second guy a lot today and he sent me a really wonderful message. So yeah, i'm confused at the moment.

Also you can look at my twitter if you want. There's a thing down the bottom of my blog. It's really just me saying random shit when i'm bored, or watching masterchef. Its really not that interesting but you can have a look if you want.

As always comments, etc, etc
Hope you're well

I am empty

I am empty. That's me right now. Empty. I have no passion or desire or drive. I'm just empty. I have no idea what i want to do or be in life. I just dont know. I had my exam today and i was actually dreading the phone call from my mum because i knew i'd have to talk about it and i know i did badly. Its going to take a miracle for me to pass, and i've already failed this subject once. I've done nearly two and a half years of engineering and i dont even know if its what i want to do. I dont know what i want to do. I have no idea what i want my career to be. I'm just sitting here, hoping that something will happen, or somemone will say something and i'll be like "YES!! i know what i want to do now".I dont care how i do on my other exams, i really dont give a shit. I've given up.
I hate it when i have times of self doubt because i think about everything that i would change if i could. I've had a great life, dont get me wrong, but i wish i had grown up in town instead of on the farm. It would have made things easier. I could have just hung out with friends without all the planning. I could have made friends easier and been more social. I wish i had come out earlier. Accepted myself earlier and not denied it for so long. Maybe i'd have more friends if i had. I wish i hadnt started my sexual experiences in the way i did. In fact i cant think of any "relationship" stuff i'd keep if i had the opportunity. I feel like i'm missing out on something by not living at a college. Or closer to campus. I feel like i'm missing out on the social side to uni. I feel like i'm missing out because i've only ever lived with my family. I've never had that experience of living with friends and just doing random stuff because you can. I'm not really a spontaneous person. I just wish i was more fun and interesting. Like when we use to do those warm fuzzy comments i always use to get the shit ones like "good at maths" (guess thats kind of why i went into engineering) or "red hair". These non-comments that dont actually mean anything. Even my "friends" wouldnt write overly great comments. one of them wrote "my friend in maths B & C". Thats the only nice thing he could think of from the entire time we knew each other.
Even now my "friends" dont know about me. me and my friends at uni mainly talk about uni. There's nothing really social to it. and i'm probably going to change degrees at some point, maybe next semester so i'll probably never speak to them again.

I just wish i knew what i wanted to be, or what i want to do in life. I just have no passion for anything. I want something that i am passionate about. Something that's challenging and fulfilling. I want that. I just wish i knew where to find it.

Sick, Self-Loathing

Blerg

So i went to the doctor today and i have tonsillitus. I'm also having problems with my wisdom teeth which freaking hurts. I'm hoping the medication for my tonsillitus helps with my wisdom tooth. And i'm hoping i'm all better by my exams. So i'm on medication for my tonsilitus and i'm taking panadol and i'm quickly working my way through throat lozenges. The doctor said i should eat healthy and maybe take some vitamin C. So i'm going to kind of listen to her and drink lots of citrus juice. I'm currently lying in bed with a massive headache so i'm probably going to go pop some more pills. I saw my friends at uni today and mentioned my sore throat. One of them was like "you know what's good for a sore throat, deepthroating" and i was like that's probably what causes it. And my friends laughed, if only they knew the truth. I'm not sure if i'll stay home tomorrow but if i do go to uni i may go a la rachel berry. Me being sick doesnt help with my study either, it hurts when i swallow (I could make jokes here :P)

I would also like to say that i have become self-loathing.
Yes, it's true, I hate my own kind.
Its developed over the past few weeks and i'd like to think it's not without reason. For some reason they just annoy the shit out of me. Yes, over the past few weeks i've developed a severe dislike for redheads. And here's why. There's this girl in one of my classes. She reminds me of princess fiona from shrek, as an ogre. And she comes across a so pretentious. She asks these stupid questions in class and the other week me and my friends were at the refec and she was at a table near us talking on her phone. And her conversation was just so stupid. Amongst other things, she was like, "i'm not feeling well because i didnt have breakfast and i'm pre-menstrual".
WTF!?!
Her conversation was loud but it wasnt quiet either. I didnt say anything to my friends cause i wasnt sure if i'd heard correctly. As we were leaving one of my friends brought it up. I was like i didnt say anything because i thought i'd hadn't heard her properly. And why would you say that to someone. Just so stupid.
Also in the same class there was this red haired guy practically dry humping his girlfriend in the row in front of us. And we were sitting pretty close to the front. I'm pretty sure he wasnt even in our class. I just dont get people that do that in lectures.
Also one of the transit officers called me ginger the other day which didnt overly please me.
And a redhead girl in the library gave me a deathstare yesterday for no apparent reason.

So there it is. I have become a self-loathing redhead.

That's all for now, I should probably try and get some rest.

P.S. Welcome back ethan, I hope things start to look up for you.
P.P.S I may or may not have joined twitter in an effort to increase procrastination. I dont think it's as bad as making youtube videos, I've thought about doing that.

*Insert theme to Jaws*

I feel like i'm in the middle of the ocean just waiting to drown.

That's what my friend said about exams today and it pretty much sums up how i feel. I've all but resigned myself to failure. I feel like i have to just sit here and wait for my exams to come and there's nothing i can do to stop them, like some deep sea monster coming to eat me. It's been a shitty couple of days and i dont really see it changing. I have so much study to do and it's just not happening like i want it to. My study plan, while good in theory may not be the most practical thing. I feel like i'm banging my head against a wall. Next week is SWOTVAC so i guess i'll be able to catch up a little but i'm going to have to change my approach and i dont see things going well for me. Also i'm finding my brother and his girlfriend so annoying at the moment it's not funny.

I hope you're doing better than me

P.S. Go Sam Stosur

Dont read this, it's not worth your time

So i'm currently sitting in my geotech lecture waiting for it to start. Right at the back so i can escape if i get too bored but i'm going to try and sit through the whole two hour lecture. I figure i should do a whole lecture before the end of semester. So Queensland won last night. Like we knew they would. Game 2 is in three weeks and will be in brissie so hopefully they can wrap up the series. I wont be going to the game because tickets sell out in like half an hour or something ridiculous. I'm going to be playing tennis tomorrow with some friends from uni. Apparently court hire is free for a couple of hours or something. It's been ages since i've played tennis. I dont even have my tennis racquet in brisbane so i guess i'll have to hire one. I've found a great new way to procrastinate. There's this game called qilox. It kinda reminds me of pacman, i'm not sure why. Everyone should play it, it's a little addictive. We're 15 minutes in and we still havent started the lecture. We're filling out TEVAL's but i havent really been to enough lectures so i'm not going to do one.

So we're learning about landslides and stress in retaining walls. If i keep commenting on the lecture i'm pretty sure the only person that'll understand it is charlie. Although he's much smarter than me. So we're talking about water levels in soil and capillary forces and water pressure, etc. But be the great multi-tasker that i am, i just set a new high score on qilox.

Ok so this pretty attractive just walked in late and sat right next to me. I pretty sure he cant read this. Which is good cause i'd probably die if he did.

And now we're learning the bishop method. Seems interesting. Calculates the safety with the equilibrium of the moment and because Pi (that's P subscript i not 3.14) goes through the centre of the circle it doesnt contribute to the moment.

I have lots of study to do before my exams. And now it's time for a break. I really need to stop procrastinating. I'm pretty sure i procrastinate my procrastination. Thats how much i've been procrastinating lately. I've just been lacking a lot of focus.

I should probably go because my friend is heading my way. Sorry if you read this crap

my return

I'd just like to say what a wonderful job i have done at procrastinating today. Well i still am procrastinating, otherwise i probably wouldnt be writing this. Not that i havent tried to study, i have. It's just that my lecturer has one of these voices that makes you want to sleep. It must be his accent or something. At least i know if i ever suffer from insomnia i'll be able to go to sleep.

So i was up at 5 this morning and my day at uni was meant to start at 8. Although my day at uni didnt start at all (there were legitiment reasons). But i only had 2 lectures today so i'll watch the recording of them when my focus returns to me. That being said it is one month until my exams. That's not a lot of time.

Also i have rejoined manhunt. Probably not the best idea in the world but i figure i can handle it better than last time. Also i think that i really do need some gay friends. People that i can hang out with and be myself and be comfortable. I'm not going to be doing random hookups or anything. I'm definately sticking to my no action unless i have a bf thing.

As for the coming out drama from my last couple of posts. Ummmm. I've decided i'm not going to lie. Not that i have been, but i havent exactly been open. So if someone asks me if i'm gay i'll tell them. I guess if i do need to tell someone i could tell my friend (the one on my side in our pizza discussion the other night ). He's quite vocal about his opinions and supports gay marriage and everything so i think he'll be fine with it.

So for wasting your time if you read this post

Can you be happy and sad at the same time?

Two things before i start my proper post
1 - Jessica Watson is amazing, i nearly cried when she got off the boat. I only hope i can fulfil some of my dreams.
2 - One of my brothers friends is going to be moving in with us. It was kind of a last minute thing but i dont think there will be any problems. I kinda know him but not really so we'll see.

Now for why i'm writing
I've spent far too long sitting in my thinking corner today (that would be the shower, for the uninitiated). Unfortunately i didnt come to any real conclusions. I was thinking about my "friends" and coming out. Umm yeah, probably not the best thing to be thinking about, i'm probably going to drive myself crazy. Where to start. I guess i think of myself as being out, but at the same time i'm not (if that makes any sense). So far i have told my four siblings and my mum and james. So i have come out to 6 people, well thats not really true. I have come out to other people but they were guys i've met on the net so it came with the assumption of liking guys. So i came out to them but i dont think that counts, it wasnt a big deal and they already knew i liked guys. Also a lot more people i havent come out to know i'm gay. Like my mum told my dad as well as one of her oldest best friend, who then would have told her two best friends, i'm assuming (her two best friends are a gay couple). My older brother told his gf (who i'm assuming has told some other people). He has also told one of his closest friends (i've only recently found this out) apparently his friend replied by saying is that meant to be news? Maybe i do give off a big gay vibe. My sister told her financial spouse (her boyfriend). I'm assuming his family knows to due to the fact that his sister is a lesbian, apparently. Also i'm pretty sure my old housemate knows. As for james i dont know if he's told anyone and i dont really care. And that's just it, i dont really care if anyone knows i'm gay but at the same time i do. I think it's the actual coming out i'm scared of. Like how to actually do it. I've gone over a million different scenarios in my head and none of them turn out well for me. i'm just worried about my uni friends. I mean i still have about 2 years of uni left and i see this same small group of people everyday. i really dont see it turning out well for me. I'm sure some of them will be fine with it but others wont and i figure that that will put me on the outer. I mean i was sort of last to join the group and i hear less than brilliant words reffering to gays and i just dont know. I know i shoudnt care about what people think about me but i cant help it.
My latest idea for coming out is to make a short youtube video saying i'm gay than post the link on facebook (i'm pretty sure i've seen every coming out story that is on youtube). I dont know if that's the best thing to do though. It's just another idea to add to my list which will probably never get used. I just ... This is meant to be the happiest time of my life and i cant even be completely honest with myself. I dont know how these young teenagers coming out on youtube can be so sure of themselves.

I need new friends

So today i felt as if i suffered a bit of a setback. Earlier this evening me and a few friends went and got some pizza from the pizza caffe at uni. We got to talking about politics (no one wants tony abbot to be prime minister) which lead us to talk about gay marriage. To cut a long story short two of my friends are very anti-gay. One more so than the other but it's still not good. They compared homosexuality to beastiality and peadophillia. I asked when they chose to be straight and on of them said i was born that way, normal. So they think it's unnatural which isnt great for me. One of them is all for gay marriage so thats alright but the other two arent. I guess i wont be coming out for a while yet.

:(

Rambling Romantic Rooster

So it's been about a week since i posted and it's been a bit of a rollercoaster for me. I'll try to tell you everything that's been happening so i might ramble a bit in this post.

So last saturday i went out clubbing with some friends and some people i kinda know but not really. It was the first time i had seen james since my coming out to him. So i went over to this girls (friend of a friend) house for pre-drinks with everyone. After a while we caught a cab into the valley and we went to The Family. It was my first time going there and i was suprised i got in. It's a pretty nice club but it was kinda dead. I managed to dance up a bit of a storm, badly, but it was fun. After a while we left and went to possibly the best club in the entire of brisbane, The Embassy. Ok so that last thing was a personal opinion but it is a favourite of me and my friends and we usually end up in there at some point of the night if we go out clubbing, even if we dont plan to or say we wont. Also when i use to go out on friday night they had $10 jugs of cocktails which probably explains my fondness for a fruit tingle. Also i love fruit tingles (the fizzy lollies). WOW. So i got a bit sidetracked there but to cut a long story short i went out, had a good time and my sexuality wasnt mentioned once and james seemed fine with me.

So on sunday i woke up early as usual and kinda lazed around a bit and it was very relaxing. Also i dont really get hangovers so that is good.

So i'm not sure if you know this but i am a hopeless romantic. I am a huge romantic even though i dont really have any romance in my life. If you've been reading dans blog (Daily Dan, there should be a link on the side) lately you'll know what i mean when i say i wish something like that would happen to me. It just sounds so great and amazing and i wish him all the best. Also i saw this video on sunday afternoon i think and i thought it was so sweet and it made me well up a little and i wish something like this would happen to me.



Now i have to admit that i dont watch ugly betty. Actually i dont even know if they show it on tv anymore. They use to show it on channel 7 but i havent heard about it for a while.

Anyway, at the start of the week i was feeling depressed. It sounds so silly now. I was having problems with my mum again which seem to have cooled off for now but we'll see. Also i was having a bit of trouble with being single. I know it's stupid but i just want someone to want to be with me. Not just for sex and that. I just want some guy to wrap his arms around me and hold me and want me for me. I know it sounds corny but i've never really had that. I dont need a boyfriend but i think it would be nice.

So i've had uni this week and a fair few assignments and want not. And i've got exams coming up. At least i dont have to worry about work now. so normally i would have worked tuesday afternoon but seeing as i quit i had it off. Lately i have been thinking about going to the queer room at uni (it's actually called the queer room). Anyway, it's just a room for gay, lesbian , bi, trans, etc, etc students
and i think it's where the gay support group meets (or whatever they're called). So i decided that i would go and have a look on tuesday. I was so nervous it felt like my first time going gay clubbing all over again (my heart was beating so fast and that was just at the thought of going). So i walked up the stairs to the room. And i got to the top. And i turned around and walked back down. I chickened out and walked back down the stairs. It was just a room and i couldnt even go in. so i went back to the enginnering library and sat on the gound and hid in my little corner. I just couldnt do it.

Hmmmmm. What else has been happening.
I went to the indian returant down the road with my older brother and his gf the other night. It was my first time there and it tasted really good. However, i dont think i'll be eating indian again. Lets just say i dont think my toilet would appreciate it.

I got a nice message from james the other night saying it was good to see me on the weekend. I'll probably see him at some point this weekend.

My league team lost tonight which sucked but they're still towards the top of the ladder. They've won 4 out of the 6 games this season so hopefully they can keep it up and make the finals. At least they're doing better than the other queensland teams.

A big shout out to princess cause he's awesome.

I heard this song on the radio for the first time in a whil the other day and i remembered how much i liked it, actually how much i like most of her songs. Give it a listen. I think it's pretty good.


Actually i've been hearing a lot of good music lately so i might need to do another music post. Yves Klein Blue, Temper Trap, Bluejuice, Art vs Science and as much as i dont want to admit it i kinda like the new brian mcfadden song.

Anyway that's about it. Long and rambling as promised. I hope it makes sense. If you have any questions dont be afraid to ask, i wont bite. So leave a comment or ask a question on my formspring page (if you wish to be anonomous(link to the side)). Hope you're all well.

P.S. I just remembered DJ spoke to me briefly this morning. it was the first time we talked in months and it was brief and awkward. I dont think i have any feelings for him what so ever.

ALSO: lots of love to charlie cause he really is amazing and he was there for me this week when i was down and he helped me so thank you.

My Big Gay Easter

This post was originally going to be longer but i just couldnt be bothered. I think interesting is the right word to describe my weekend.

Well i guess it started when i came out to james. If you dont know what i'm talking about go read my last post. It's called parkinsons (i'd do an in-text reference but they never seem to work for me). So someone said my michael j fox joke wasnt funny. It wasn't really a joke. It was the only way i could describe myself at that point. I was shaking so much i was having trouble typing and i couldnt control it.

So i went to see my family on saturday. Hung out with my little brothers and just had fun. On sunday my mum had organised a family lunch and a family dinner. before lunch she called me into the laundry and asked if i was going to come out at lunch (she pretty much forced me out). Anyway. I said no, i'm not doing it with an audience. And she was like dont you want us all there to show them that we support you (them being my 2 little brothers) and i said no. So we had lunch and it went well. Later sunday afternoon my sister came to talk to me. She was like when are you coming out and i was like i dont know. And then she was like it's not right for us to have to keep this secret from them, you have to come out, It's why we're all here. I was like, first things first, we're here for easter not for me to come out. Secondly i didnt realise my sexuality was such a hotly discussed topic and my 2 little brothers talked about it often. Then i kinda just walked away. so we had our family dinner sunday night. My sister says our family is like the one on brothers and sisters. Apparently they just have big family meals and sit around and bicker. It does kinda sound like us.
Everyone had just gone to bed on sunday night so i got up and went into *little brother 1*'s room. I sat on his bed and i said i have something to tell you. I'm gay. And he was like no you're not. And i was like yes i am. And he was like what/how/when/etc. He also asked if i had a bf and who else knew. He was getting kinda loud and still didnt really believe me so i left and went back to bed. I could hear him in the hallway and my mum came out and she came to the doorway of my room and she was like why did you do it like that i organised two family meals so you could do it. And i was like i'm not doing it with a fucking audience now turn out the light i'm going to bed. And then my mum made my brother say he was alright with it. She's like that's all he needs to hear.

So i went to bed and didnt get a lot of sleep but whatever. I woke up monday morning and went to the loungeroom and little brother number 2 was there (he's only 12 no 11, hence the different tone with him). So i sat down on the couch next to him and i said *little brother 2* do you know what being gay is. And he said it's when boys like other boys. And i said *little brother 2* i'm gay, are you alright with it. And he said it was my choice. And i asked if he had any questions but he said no.

So later that morning my mumcalled me into a room and got up me. She wasnt happy with the way i came out and she was like you went in there shouting that it was ************** and ************* and spiteful (i cant remember the other two words but i definately remember spiteful. I was like there was nothing spiteful about it. I went in and sat on the bed and told him i was gay. He didnt believe me so i left. Athere was no shouting and nothing spiteful about it. And then she was like when are you going to tell *little brother 2* and i was like i told him this morning and the n she asked how he took it and then she started talking about her parenting and i just couldnt take it so i left. She was so annoying all weekend and i told her that. She was like what makes me annoying and i was like you know how some poeple are just annoying for no reason, well that's you. So i left early-ish monday morning and came back to brisbane.

So that was my big gay easter. Sorry it took so long to post, I hope it makes sense to you. I was definately an interesting weekend. Hope your easter was good. Comments/questions/etc as per usual.

Parkinsons

So last night i came out to my friend james via facebook chat. I was shaking so much i looked like Michael J Fox (title reference), I'm still kinda shaking now. Here is the relevant part of the convo. (i've taken out some names to protect the innocent)

Tommy
my social life is alright. Went to the uni pub with some friends last night. Had a good time. Saw ****** and ******** and one of the **********. had some "words" with some college cunts

hey can i tell you something

James
fuck yea sounds choice bro, what happened with these "words"?? anyone have your back? go on..

Tommy
the words were just silly. I wasnt overly involved it was more my friends. one of my friends knocked a full jug of beer over one of the college kids and they got riled up. it was like 15 angainst 3

James
lol fuck man that sucks. what'd u wanna tell me?

Tommy
i'm gay

James
what?? since when lol

Tommy
lol

James
r u serious??

Tommy
Yeah
suprise

James
wait a sec tommy now lets talk about this...i dont need to know details or anything but like when did u decide this? cause i thought u liked the ladies lol
just cause u might not be a ladies man doesnt mean u wont get any ladies

Tommy
its not that james
i'm still the same person
you're born this way

Ummmm
hope you're alright with it

James
i know that but its kind of a shock. I'm not gonna tell anyone if u wanna keep this between us but yea. well sir ian mckellan is gay and he's one of the best english actors ever

Sidenote : I love that he thought of ian mckellan and he said sir ian. Also i'm nearly in tears (and shaking) while i'm writing this and i dont know why.

Tommy
lol
thanks james
you're the first friend i've really told

James
who else knows?

Tommy
my family knows but yeah
some people i've met in brissie

James
yea? what'd they think

Tommy
ummm
they were ok
i'm going to tell *little brother 1* and *little brother 2* this weekend
if you have any questions just ask

James
r u sure they need to know?
does *older brother* know??

Tommy
yeah
*little brother 1* and *little brother 2* are the only ones that dont know
*older brother* toook it suprisingly well
he was really good about it

James
really lol
i thought he would have been a cunt about it

Sidenote : I really dont use the word cunt a lot

Tommy
me too
but he doesnt seem to mind
and he helped my mum with it as well

James
hmm ok so now you're out of the closet now what? is this like a decision you made or just what u felt?

Tommy
coming out is a decision i made

James
so is it that you don't like women or just that you like dudes?

well I'd still like to think you were the same guy cause i dont wanna have to act like you're a different person

Tommy
i'm still exactly the same person
its not like i'm going to catch a limp wrist or anything

I'm missing a tiny bit of the convo here. Guess i forgot to copy it from facebook to my messenger window (thanks for your help charlie). He said something about my limp wrist joke.

Tommy
dont worry
are you alright with it

James
yea like i can handle it...its just a shock man

Tommy
sorry

James
im trying to process it lol

Tommy
yeah
i understand

James
dont be fucken sorry dude, being who you are isnt something to apologise about, that pisses me off when u have to apologise for being yourself unless you've truly offended someone or done something horribly wrong

Tommy
thanks
if you have any questions dont be afraid to ask

James
ok so...if you were in a club would u be looking out for hot guys lol or what? you've seen zack and miri make a porno right??

Tommy
yeah i've seen that movie
i liked it

Sidenote : Not exactly sure why he bought up that movie but i did like it. I think i need to watch it again

James
and the first question?

Tommy
ummm
i probably wouldnt be looking for anyone
but i'd recognize a hot guy

James
ok then well...are you attracted to women? I'm just trying to figure out if you're really meant to be gay...like not saying its not ok I just wanna know what is going on in your mind exactly.

Tommy
i'm not really attracted to women at all

James
ok so do you wanna end up with a guy as a partner then?

Tommy
i havent really thought about it that much but yeah, i guess so

Sidenote : I figured saying that would be better than saying i'd love a boyfriend to fuck me senseless

James
well you know saying that you're gay is a fucken big commitment mate like I don't take it lightly, and I really think you'd have to know that to go ahead and say it. Like everyone has a few gay thoughts every now and again but it can't just be some phase that you're going thru. Like if u changed your mind and decided that you were straigt then you would have just fucked with everyones minds.
But as long as you're sure this is right for you then I'm happy. Did u talk to anyone before you made this decision?? Because its not like getting a sex change where you have to be psychologically proven to be a woman trapped in a mans body you know.
But i think you're mature enough to have made the right decision tommy, but everyone gets confused about things...
not saying u are man

Tommy
if its a phase its been going on for quite a while

James
ok then so when?

Tommy
i understand your concerns james

James
I just want whats right for you and if thats being gay then so be it. I just don't want it to change the way I think about you...which it shouldnt but yea I can just imagine if the rest of our friends knew I dont know what they'd think like they can be pretty fucken shallow sometimes

Tommy
yeah
i thought you would take it the best
and you're probably the one i'm closest to out of everyone

James
true that

Tommy
so thats why i told you first

James
fair enough well theres no point hiding it man, because it would only make it worse, I think I'm starting to accept it now lol. Like I don't think its a big deal man

Tommy
thanks
i'm still the same person i've always been

James
thats right...like out mates arent that shallow when it comes down to it they're pretty understanding but initially they'd be shocked i suppose

Tommy
yeah
i figure they'd get over it eventually
if they dont it's there problem

James
yea they would
exactly
well man I'm getting pretty tired after all that thinking i thing i need to hit the hay

Tommy
thats alright

James
i'll catcha later mate

Tommy
indeed
we'll catch up soon

James
yea man should be good I was just thinkin we needed to hit the town again soon

Tommy
i know
i havent been clubbing in ages

James
fuck yea well in the next month u will!
but until then take it east bruss

Tommy
lol

James
easy
lol

Tommy
you too

James
Night man

Tommy
lol
night

So that was it. Overall, i think it went well. I guess we'll see how he acts when i see him next.

Hope you have a good easter

Weekend in Hell

Wish me luck. So i'm going to see my family this weekend for easter. It should be fun given that my mum hates me at the moment. I'm also probably going to come out to my little brothers. So yeah. I've been up and down lately so we'll see how it goes.

I had an interesting night last night. Went to the uni pub with some friends. Kinda came out to one of them. dont think he heard me though. Got into a disagreement with some college kids. All college kids are cunts. At least the ones i've met. So yeah. Got a week off from uni and shitloads of study to do.

Hope you have a good easter

BB Group

And then we all fucked without condoms.

I'm Joking

Brisbane Bloggers Group.
So on sunday i met up with Aaron from Beautiful Chaos and Ed from Pardon My Shadenfreude (my in text links never seem to work. check the links on the side). We went to the powerhouse. Saw some free comedy. One of them sucked but the other three were really good (i'm talking about the comedians). Had a good time. Might go to the powerhouse more often (i'd never been before). So we went and saw some free comedy and had a good time and a bit of a chat.

Busy, Busy, Busy - Part 2

Welcome back to another episode of my big fat shitty life.

I feel terrible at the moment. I'm so stressed over uni. Two weeks in and i'm convinced i'm going to fail something. Who the hell decides that final exams worth 70% are a good idea. So i've already handed in two lots of assessment and i have another 3 due next week. I dont see this going well. Also i'm getting sick. Or i am already sick. I have a sore throat and my nose is all stuffed up and i just feel tired. I live with 2 pigs and they obviously dont understand the concept of cleaning. I know i'm not perfect but they can be disgusting. Also as of yesterday i have a lump near my right nipple. It's like right next to it and it's kinda sore. I showed my brother and he said it might just be a lymph node but i dont know. My family does have a big history of breast cancer and i know guys can get it. I just...I dont know. Maybe i'm burning the candle at both ends. So back to the continuation of my last post.

So on monday i had a date. I'd been talking to this guy for a couple of days and i'd sent him some texts while i was at the 21st so on monday afternoon we met. He just recently moved to brisbane and he lives close by, but not really (technically i think he lives in Ipswich). So on monday afternoon i drove out to his place and picked him up(because i'm a gentleman). So he came out of his house and he was wearing long black pants and a button up shirt. He looked good. He's the same height as me and he has blackish hair and he's a little tanned. He's an attractive guy. So we talked while i drove us to the cinemas. He seemed really nice and he's much more confident then me. He's out and we talked about me coming out and he said he wanted to help me. So we got to the cinema and had some time to spare so I managed to convince him to go to a games arcade with me. we played a couple of games and he said he didnt like to play games cause he got competitive so i felt a little bad for making him play. So we went to the cinemas and bought our tickets and just hung around till we could go in. I felt really nervous. We went to see The wolfman. We decided to see it because neither of us really like horror movies and this was the scariest one on. So it was us and some random guy that sat towards the front in the cinema (we were at the back). So we played wheel of fortune on his phone while we waited for the movie to start. I accidently called him handsome. Then the movie started and we were kinda sitting there and i could feel his little finger kind of brushing against my leg. I let it go for a while then i leant over and gave him a really quick kiss in the cheek. I moved away from him so fast. I was blushing. Then i leant back over to tell him it was for playing air hockey with me and he turned around and kissed me. we kissed 2 or 3 more times and it was great. I could have melted. So then we started holding hands. We watched the rest of the movie, making out every so often and holding each other in the scary parts. He made me blush a couple of times. He called me delicious and kissed me and he could see me blushing in the dark of the cinema. Every so often he would try and feel my package but i fended him off. I told him not on a first date. So the movie finished and i drove him home and he had his hand on my leg while we were driving. It was nice. So i parked in front of his house and we made out for a while in the car (maybe 20 minutes or so). He's a really good kisser and i was pretty much hard the whole time. He tried to grab my cock a couple of times and i blocked him and he asked for "just a little taste". It was funny and cute. After a while we got out of the car and we hugged and i just couldn't help it. I pushed him against the car and started making out again. He said he could feel my cock and i said i couldn't help it. He asked me if i wanted him to take care of it. I said yes, but not yet. we need to have at least 2 dates before you get to touch it. So after a while he said he should probably go and i gave him a hug (it was great) and a kiss on the cheek (cause originally i said he might get a kiss on the cheek at the end of the night if he was lucky). I asked him about a second date and he said definately. HOWEVER, I havent heard from him all week. I've sent him a couple of texts but no reply. I'm hoping there's an explaination like he's run out of credit or something but i dont know.

Also i've been thinking about coming out a bit. Well quite a bit. Then last night, with some helpful encouragement from princess i changed my interested in on facebook. It now says i like guys as well as girls eventually i'll change it to just guys. I've decided i'm not going to address it unless someone asks. I'm not going to make a point of it but it is there for anyone to see. So i changed it and i asked phil (i was talking ot him at the time) to go and look at my facebook page. He saw it and congratulated me. It made me feel a little better.

I have tonnes of other shits to talk about but this will do for now. As always if you have any questions you want to ask me leave a comment. I will do my best to answer them.

Busy, Busy, Busy

WARNING!! LONG POST AHEAD
Holy Crap! So much stuff has been happening recently. I'm taking a break from everything and writing this post, hoping it will help calm me down a bit (this post is probably going to be all over the shop). OK, where to start:

So the past weekend i went and visited my family on the farm. I went back for my former housemate's 21st. So we left friday night and got to the farm a bit after midnight. We had to negotiate some floodwater too which was interesting. It rained all saturday night (over 80mm) so on saturday morning we went for a drive to check out the rivers near our farm. There is a creek which runs along the back of our farm so we went to have a look at that. On one side of the farm it was a couple of feet below the bridge. On the other side of the farm there is no bridge and the water was so deep you couldn't even see the flood marker. The creek went from nothing (usually) to about 100 metres across. It was good, all our dams were overflowing. I love the rain.

So the 21st was on saturday night. So we (me, my brother, my brothers girlfriend) drove into town in the afternoon but the main river had burst it's banks and and was covering the bridge on our normal route into town. It was the highest i had ever seen it. So we backtracked and went the long way into town and finally made it.

So the 21st was kinda fun, but i didnt really have anyone to talk with. well i did but i kinda hung around my brother and his friends because none of my "friends" were there.

Sidenote: I put friends in quotation marks because on friday i sent my friend james a message asking what he was doing this weekend because he lives back in my old town. He rung me (a first) and said him and another friend were coming to brissie and they were going to go to sexpo and then they were going to go another friends 20th birthday party. It was the first time i had heard about the party and i was a little annoyed. I know i'm probably not his best friend but they can invite people that live 3 hours away and not someone that lives a couple of suburbs away. Anyway, james was good and said we have to catch up again soon and he mentioned going to a concert or something. This is another thing. my "friends" go to concert or festivals and what not but i never seem to be invited. End rant

So the 21st was hawaiin themed and it was fun and i got a little tipsy/drunk.

My mum was kinda annoying me this weekend. So on friday night when i got home i was wearing a purple shirt. She made some stupid little comment about me wearing purple, the international colour for gays, and i just ignored it. Hell i wasn't wearing the shirt because it was purple. I was wearing the shirt because it was the shirt i picked up off my bedroom floor 5 minutes before i walked out of the house. Then on saturday my some of my family was watching i now pronounce you chuck and larry. I didn't really feel like watching it. I was doing one of my uni assignments and playing wii with one of my little brothers and just doing other stuff. And my mum was like "Why dont you come and watch this tommy, it's funny." and i was like no, i'm doing other stuff. And then i heard her say"i dont know why he wont come and watch it, it's so funny." I was just like whatever. Then on sunday my parents were looking for a new couch so we went to have a look with them. And we were testing all of them out and debating which one they should get and we were sitting on pretty much all of them testing them. And then i pointed out a purple couch and said have we tested this one. And my mum was like "it's purple, we all know what that means" and i was like, "yeah, purple is the colour of royalty." and we just kept going. I mean we were testing every couch in the friggin store. The colour had nothing to do with it. And i'm pretty sure my mum bought the purple shirt for me. It was just annoying.

Also on friday night in the car on the way home my borthers girlfriend was asking me all these questions about being gay and my personal life and what not. It was ... interesting. She wants to go clubbing with me to the beat sometime and i was like yeah. I really dont want it too happen. I'm not sure if i can think of anything worse than going gay clubbing with my brothers girlfriend.

Im other news i'm really busy with uni. I have my first 2 pieces of assessment due today. So one and half weeks in and i already feel behind. I'm not really but i feel like i am. I'm trying to rewrite my notes and everything and it's very time consuming. I have finished both my things due today (big thanks to charlie, he really is super awesome).

OMG i forgot how much crap i had to talk about. I think i'm going to have to do it in 2 posts because i'm running out of time. OK, so in the next post i'll be talking about coming out and a date i had and some other stuff.

Watertight?

So i am now back at uni. 2 Days in and i'm already a tad annoyed. Anyways, this is just going to be a post full of random things that have been happening.

~I woke up at 7 this morning which means i slept in. OK, so i know it doesnt sound like much but i never sleep in. Like ever. I did actually wake up at 5.30 but i went back to sleep which doesnt usually happen so yay for me.

~I finally put some songs on my mp3. I havent downloaded any off the net yet but it does have some songs on it. This is the first song that went on there and i love it.


~I've decided i'm going to be less of a slut and focus on uni more.

~I was a bit depressed on the weekend due to the fact i have no friends. Well no close friends. I'm over it now but it's still kinda there in the back.

~I'm loving all the rain at the moment

~Me and my uni friends have decided we're going to try and go to the uni pub once a week. Which should be good. We're also trying to organise a social sporting team. For some reason we are talking about water polo. I'm not too keen on water polo because i know i'd suck and i assume i'd have to wear a speedo and i dont think anyone wants to see that. I think it keeps coming up because it's the cheapest of the options. Personally i want to do european handball but i dont think we'll get organised and do any sport.

~Work is alright. I'm working much less now that uni has started which is good. The title comes from something we were talking about at work. It's a bit rude/sexual if you dont get it.

Thanks for reading my random crap. As always comments are welcome.

Religious Epiphanies

First things first
Thank you to the people that sent me valentines cards. They made me smile so thank you.

So this past weekend i went back to visit the family. It was good. My sister was there whch suprised me. Saturday night i went to a bit of a party for my friends 20th. A couple of friends and i went to his families house and lots of his family was there then after a while we went to a pub in town. The bartender, who we know, found out is was my friends birthday and gave us some very generous drinks for him. The aim was to get him smashed. then we walked through the maccas drive through on our way to another pub that stays open later. This pub was dead and it just wasnt very fun. So we left the pub at 1am and got on the courtesy bus. Didn't getback to my friends place till 2. It was a pretty good night and it was good to see some of my friend again.

On sunday morning i went to church, kinda. So my littlest brother goes to a religious private school and this year he is a school captain. So on the sunday they had a bit of a ceremony for them and everything. Now my family is not really religious at all (i guess i would call myself agnostic). The last time i went to church would have ben nearly 12 yeas ago for my littlest brothes christening. I think i'm good for another twelve years. Now some of the points had merit but it was so over the top. Aparently i am a light and i need to shine brightly in the darkness for others like jesus. And all my sins hve been forgiven so thats good. My sister and my dad had a bit of a hard time controlling themselves.

So that was my weekend