I'd just like to say what a wonderful job i have done at procrastinating today. Well i still am procrastinating, otherwise i probably wouldnt be writing this. Not that i havent tried to study, i have. It's just that my lecturer has one of these voices that makes you want to sleep. It must be his accent or something. At least i know if i ever suffer from insomnia i'll be able to go to sleep.
So i was up at 5 this morning and my day at uni was meant to start at 8. Although my day at uni didnt start at all (there were legitiment reasons). But i only had 2 lectures today so i'll watch the recording of them when my focus returns to me. That being said it is one month until my exams. That's not a lot of time.
Also i have rejoined manhunt. Probably not the best idea in the world but i figure i can handle it better than last time. Also i think that i really do need some gay friends. People that i can hang out with and be myself and be comfortable. I'm not going to be doing random hookups or anything. I'm definately sticking to my no action unless i have a bf thing.
As for the coming out drama from my last couple of posts. Ummmm. I've decided i'm not going to lie. Not that i have been, but i havent exactly been open. So if someone asks me if i'm gay i'll tell them. I guess if i do need to tell someone i could tell my friend (the one on my side in our pizza discussion the other night ). He's quite vocal about his opinions and supports gay marriage and everything so i think he'll be fine with it.
So for wasting your time if you read this post
Showing posts with label coming out. Show all posts
Showing posts with label coming out. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Can you be happy and sad at the same time?
Two things before i start my proper post
1 - Jessica Watson is amazing, i nearly cried when she got off the boat. I only hope i can fulfil some of my dreams.
2 - One of my brothers friends is going to be moving in with us. It was kind of a last minute thing but i dont think there will be any problems. I kinda know him but not really so we'll see.
Now for why i'm writing
I've spent far too long sitting in my thinking corner today (that would be the shower, for the uninitiated). Unfortunately i didnt come to any real conclusions. I was thinking about my "friends" and coming out. Umm yeah, probably not the best thing to be thinking about, i'm probably going to drive myself crazy. Where to start. I guess i think of myself as being out, but at the same time i'm not (if that makes any sense). So far i have told my four siblings and my mum and james. So i have come out to 6 people, well thats not really true. I have come out to other people but they were guys i've met on the net so it came with the assumption of liking guys. So i came out to them but i dont think that counts, it wasnt a big deal and they already knew i liked guys. Also a lot more people i havent come out to know i'm gay. Like my mum told my dad as well as one of her oldest best friend, who then would have told her two best friends, i'm assuming (her two best friends are a gay couple). My older brother told his gf (who i'm assuming has told some other people). He has also told one of his closest friends (i've only recently found this out) apparently his friend replied by saying is that meant to be news? Maybe i do give off a big gay vibe. My sister told her financial spouse (her boyfriend). I'm assuming his family knows to due to the fact that his sister is a lesbian, apparently. Also i'm pretty sure my old housemate knows. As for james i dont know if he's told anyone and i dont really care. And that's just it, i dont really care if anyone knows i'm gay but at the same time i do. I think it's the actual coming out i'm scared of. Like how to actually do it. I've gone over a million different scenarios in my head and none of them turn out well for me. i'm just worried about my uni friends. I mean i still have about 2 years of uni left and i see this same small group of people everyday. i really dont see it turning out well for me. I'm sure some of them will be fine with it but others wont and i figure that that will put me on the outer. I mean i was sort of last to join the group and i hear less than brilliant words reffering to gays and i just dont know. I know i shoudnt care about what people think about me but i cant help it.
My latest idea for coming out is to make a short youtube video saying i'm gay than post the link on facebook (i'm pretty sure i've seen every coming out story that is on youtube). I dont know if that's the best thing to do though. It's just another idea to add to my list which will probably never get used. I just ... This is meant to be the happiest time of my life and i cant even be completely honest with myself. I dont know how these young teenagers coming out on youtube can be so sure of themselves.
1 - Jessica Watson is amazing, i nearly cried when she got off the boat. I only hope i can fulfil some of my dreams.
2 - One of my brothers friends is going to be moving in with us. It was kind of a last minute thing but i dont think there will be any problems. I kinda know him but not really so we'll see.
Now for why i'm writing
I've spent far too long sitting in my thinking corner today (that would be the shower, for the uninitiated). Unfortunately i didnt come to any real conclusions. I was thinking about my "friends" and coming out. Umm yeah, probably not the best thing to be thinking about, i'm probably going to drive myself crazy. Where to start. I guess i think of myself as being out, but at the same time i'm not (if that makes any sense). So far i have told my four siblings and my mum and james. So i have come out to 6 people, well thats not really true. I have come out to other people but they were guys i've met on the net so it came with the assumption of liking guys. So i came out to them but i dont think that counts, it wasnt a big deal and they already knew i liked guys. Also a lot more people i havent come out to know i'm gay. Like my mum told my dad as well as one of her oldest best friend, who then would have told her two best friends, i'm assuming (her two best friends are a gay couple). My older brother told his gf (who i'm assuming has told some other people). He has also told one of his closest friends (i've only recently found this out) apparently his friend replied by saying is that meant to be news? Maybe i do give off a big gay vibe. My sister told her financial spouse (her boyfriend). I'm assuming his family knows to due to the fact that his sister is a lesbian, apparently. Also i'm pretty sure my old housemate knows. As for james i dont know if he's told anyone and i dont really care. And that's just it, i dont really care if anyone knows i'm gay but at the same time i do. I think it's the actual coming out i'm scared of. Like how to actually do it. I've gone over a million different scenarios in my head and none of them turn out well for me. i'm just worried about my uni friends. I mean i still have about 2 years of uni left and i see this same small group of people everyday. i really dont see it turning out well for me. I'm sure some of them will be fine with it but others wont and i figure that that will put me on the outer. I mean i was sort of last to join the group and i hear less than brilliant words reffering to gays and i just dont know. I know i shoudnt care about what people think about me but i cant help it.
My latest idea for coming out is to make a short youtube video saying i'm gay than post the link on facebook (i'm pretty sure i've seen every coming out story that is on youtube). I dont know if that's the best thing to do though. It's just another idea to add to my list which will probably never get used. I just ... This is meant to be the happiest time of my life and i cant even be completely honest with myself. I dont know how these young teenagers coming out on youtube can be so sure of themselves.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
I need new friends
So today i felt as if i suffered a bit of a setback. Earlier this evening me and a few friends went and got some pizza from the pizza caffe at uni. We got to talking about politics (no one wants tony abbot to be prime minister) which lead us to talk about gay marriage. To cut a long story short two of my friends are very anti-gay. One more so than the other but it's still not good. They compared homosexuality to beastiality and peadophillia. I asked when they chose to be straight and on of them said i was born that way, normal. So they think it's unnatural which isnt great for me. One of them is all for gay marriage so thats alright but the other two arent. I guess i wont be coming out for a while yet.
:(
:(
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
D&M : An Abridged Version
This past weekend was mothers day so i went home for the weekend. I had a great time and my weekend included an unexpected d&m (deep and meaningful) with my mum and sister on Saturday night. I started writing a full recount but i got over it so I'm going to do an abridged version. Mainly because my memory isn't brilliant and i tried telling this story to charlie and did a terrible job at it.
SO, here are all the important points from my deep and meaningful with my mum and sister.
As always we start with my mum talking about me being unhappy, having no social life and doing badly at uni (in her opinion). She thinks i should change degrees and mentions environmental engineering and (surprise, surprise) town planning, for the millionth time. My sister recommends environmental science cause one of her friends is doing it and it's really easy and you get paid shitloads (my words not hers). I politely tell my mum I'm never going to do town planning and while I've so far enjoyed my environmental courses i don't want to do environmental engineering because 1) i don't think my uni offers it and 2) i feel it will be restrictive and if i do civil i can move in lots of different directions. My mum tells me some story about how my sister hated uni for ages but one day she rang her up and said i know this is what i want to do and she says all she ever gets me to say about uni is "its alright".
My perfectionist sister talked about her "mini breakdown" she had the other day and after that she decided to write a to do list of things she wants to do (obviously). Some of hers matched up with things i want to do so here is my list;
1) I wish i could speak a second language. Me and my sister have decided to try and learn German. We chose German cause we've both learnt a bit before (although she's much better than me) and i figured it would be easier to learn a language based on the alphabet instead of something like japanese or mandarin where we'd have to learn completely new characters.
2) I really want to buy the complete tomorrow, when the war began series by john marsden (I dont really have time to read them at the moment but i still want to buy them, something to do on the holidays).
3) Get back into my art. When i was younger i use to love painting and drawing. I may not be brilliant but it was fun so i might go and buy a canvas some time soon. Cause it's good to have a hobby.
4) My sister mentioned something about going to a cooking class and i mentioned that i was thinking of buying a cookbook seeing as the masterchef one i have is up to shite. They're kinda the same right?
5) Travel around the world
I think that is the end of my list. My sister had more but i think 5 is good enough for me. So that little conversation led to my mum and her "to do" list. My sister mentioned how my mum use to write all these funny little short stories. And my mum says when we were younger she really wanted to replace pat mcdermott?? from the womans weekly (womans weekly is a magazine and that woman has a column where she writes about funny things that happen to her family, she has 5 kids just like my mum) and that she has always wanted to write a book. She told us her ideas for her book including the pseudonym she would write under (it was kinda obvious but a little funny). My mum then mentions that lately she has been thinking about writing a book about me, my life from her perspective. This makes my sister cry and she says that she would be so proud if my mum actually did this. This makes my mum tear up a bit and my mum says she'd write books about all of the kids. I say but mine would be first and that's all that matters (its a joke). To be honest it did make me well up a little and she had a title for it and everything. We both told my mum she should write a book if that's what she wants to do. She works far too much and hates her job and has lots of holidays owing so she could do it. My mum says she wouldn't know where to start if she were to write a book about me. I say how about you start with the story of how i use to reming you of my dad's dad when you use to nurse me to sleep at night (he died unexpectedly from a brain aneurysm in his forties, before my parents were even married). I tried to tell the story to charlie but i did a terrible job at it so i wont repeat it here. My mum didn't know i knew this story but i overheard her telling one of her friends on the phone one day (not sure how that topic came up). So my mum tells the story to my sister. She also talks about my birth and how different it was from my siblings and she almost gave birth to me on the floor because she didn't know she was in labor with me and i was such a placid baby. She also talks about how i use to have tantrums when i was about 2 where i would sit at the end of the hallway and just hold my breath until i turned blue. I kinda gave my mum a hard time. This then leads to me talking about her father. I mention that i know that i remind her of him and i say the only thing i know about your dad is in primary school i had to do a family tree and you told me to put him as deceased (my mums dad isn't talked about in my family, ever, hence why i think me looking like him isn't a good thing). My mum tells me she hates family trees. My sister says did you think he was dead all this time. I say i suspected he was alive but i don't know. My mum says he is deceased. I then ask her if he is dead. She says no. I then ask if she and her brother are full siblings or only half siblings because for a number of years i have suspected that they were only half siblings because one Christmas my mum said something about her brothers dad being there. And me being younger got a little confused seeing as my mum said her dad was dead. I should point out that i have only ever known my grandmother as a single woman. So it turns out one of my grandfathers is still alive.
We also talked about my sexuality. My sister asked me what my type was. My response was old guys with grey hair, around the age of sixty. Then i was like i don't know, i guess it depends on my mood. then my mum and my sister were like who do you think is hot and they were naming people like hugh jackman and paul mcdermott and I'm like i don't know, why are you picking old guys. And my sister was like well we watched the logies the other day, name a young actor you think is hot. I had real trouble thinking of one but eventually I'm like, i guess lincoln lewis is alright. And my sister was like so you like the buff surfie type. Can you tell it was incredibly awkward for me. Something about being around my mum and my sister stifled my homosexual desires. My mum also asked if i was bi and i said i dont know. Then we got to talking about my sex life, which was incredibly awkward. I was just staring at my game of freecell on the laptop the entire time (i won three games so yay for me). I told a little lie and said i had only been with 3 guys. I told her about my first boyfriend, honestly. Saying that we went out for about a month (boyfriends for all of 2 weeks) And we did things but not full blown sex. She was disappointed in me. Disappointed that i didnt wait longer. My sister told me that mum was disappointed that she didnt wait longer with her boyfriend (they've been together for over 6 years now). They kept asking about the other 2 guys but i didnt say anything and my sister realised it was awkward for me so we moved on. I actually think this bit came before the bit about the to do list but i cant really remember. Also my littlest brother (he's nearly 12) was around for a bit of this but i think he left before we talked about my sex life.
Somewhere in here we talked about me moving out of home (in brisbane) as well (i've never lived with anyone who wasnt family and i wouldnt mind experiencing it at some point) and the fact that my brother is annoyed with me because i dont have a job even though i probably spend more time on my studies then he does at work.
So that was my d&m with the females of my family. Given the length of this abridged post i bet you're glad i didnt do a detailed one. What can i say, it was a long talk. If you want to say anything leave a comment.
P.S. my mum talked to me a bit sunday morning and said she was reading about drop out and failure rates for engineering and she said i was doing really well and she was proud of me but i should try to have more fun. I also noticed she started writing the story she wanted to but i didnt read because she said not too.
SO, here are all the important points from my deep and meaningful with my mum and sister.
As always we start with my mum talking about me being unhappy, having no social life and doing badly at uni (in her opinion). She thinks i should change degrees and mentions environmental engineering and (surprise, surprise) town planning, for the millionth time. My sister recommends environmental science cause one of her friends is doing it and it's really easy and you get paid shitloads (my words not hers). I politely tell my mum I'm never going to do town planning and while I've so far enjoyed my environmental courses i don't want to do environmental engineering because 1) i don't think my uni offers it and 2) i feel it will be restrictive and if i do civil i can move in lots of different directions. My mum tells me some story about how my sister hated uni for ages but one day she rang her up and said i know this is what i want to do and she says all she ever gets me to say about uni is "its alright".
My perfectionist sister talked about her "mini breakdown" she had the other day and after that she decided to write a to do list of things she wants to do (obviously). Some of hers matched up with things i want to do so here is my list;
1) I wish i could speak a second language. Me and my sister have decided to try and learn German. We chose German cause we've both learnt a bit before (although she's much better than me) and i figured it would be easier to learn a language based on the alphabet instead of something like japanese or mandarin where we'd have to learn completely new characters.
2) I really want to buy the complete tomorrow, when the war began series by john marsden (I dont really have time to read them at the moment but i still want to buy them, something to do on the holidays).
3) Get back into my art. When i was younger i use to love painting and drawing. I may not be brilliant but it was fun so i might go and buy a canvas some time soon. Cause it's good to have a hobby.
4) My sister mentioned something about going to a cooking class and i mentioned that i was thinking of buying a cookbook seeing as the masterchef one i have is up to shite. They're kinda the same right?
5) Travel around the world
I think that is the end of my list. My sister had more but i think 5 is good enough for me. So that little conversation led to my mum and her "to do" list. My sister mentioned how my mum use to write all these funny little short stories. And my mum says when we were younger she really wanted to replace pat mcdermott?? from the womans weekly (womans weekly is a magazine and that woman has a column where she writes about funny things that happen to her family, she has 5 kids just like my mum) and that she has always wanted to write a book. She told us her ideas for her book including the pseudonym she would write under (it was kinda obvious but a little funny). My mum then mentions that lately she has been thinking about writing a book about me, my life from her perspective. This makes my sister cry and she says that she would be so proud if my mum actually did this. This makes my mum tear up a bit and my mum says she'd write books about all of the kids. I say but mine would be first and that's all that matters (its a joke). To be honest it did make me well up a little and she had a title for it and everything. We both told my mum she should write a book if that's what she wants to do. She works far too much and hates her job and has lots of holidays owing so she could do it. My mum says she wouldn't know where to start if she were to write a book about me. I say how about you start with the story of how i use to reming you of my dad's dad when you use to nurse me to sleep at night (he died unexpectedly from a brain aneurysm in his forties, before my parents were even married). I tried to tell the story to charlie but i did a terrible job at it so i wont repeat it here. My mum didn't know i knew this story but i overheard her telling one of her friends on the phone one day (not sure how that topic came up). So my mum tells the story to my sister. She also talks about my birth and how different it was from my siblings and she almost gave birth to me on the floor because she didn't know she was in labor with me and i was such a placid baby. She also talks about how i use to have tantrums when i was about 2 where i would sit at the end of the hallway and just hold my breath until i turned blue. I kinda gave my mum a hard time. This then leads to me talking about her father. I mention that i know that i remind her of him and i say the only thing i know about your dad is in primary school i had to do a family tree and you told me to put him as deceased (my mums dad isn't talked about in my family, ever, hence why i think me looking like him isn't a good thing). My mum tells me she hates family trees. My sister says did you think he was dead all this time. I say i suspected he was alive but i don't know. My mum says he is deceased. I then ask her if he is dead. She says no. I then ask if she and her brother are full siblings or only half siblings because for a number of years i have suspected that they were only half siblings because one Christmas my mum said something about her brothers dad being there. And me being younger got a little confused seeing as my mum said her dad was dead. I should point out that i have only ever known my grandmother as a single woman. So it turns out one of my grandfathers is still alive.
We also talked about my sexuality. My sister asked me what my type was. My response was old guys with grey hair, around the age of sixty. Then i was like i don't know, i guess it depends on my mood. then my mum and my sister were like who do you think is hot and they were naming people like hugh jackman and paul mcdermott and I'm like i don't know, why are you picking old guys. And my sister was like well we watched the logies the other day, name a young actor you think is hot. I had real trouble thinking of one but eventually I'm like, i guess lincoln lewis is alright. And my sister was like so you like the buff surfie type. Can you tell it was incredibly awkward for me. Something about being around my mum and my sister stifled my homosexual desires. My mum also asked if i was bi and i said i dont know. Then we got to talking about my sex life, which was incredibly awkward. I was just staring at my game of freecell on the laptop the entire time (i won three games so yay for me). I told a little lie and said i had only been with 3 guys. I told her about my first boyfriend, honestly. Saying that we went out for about a month (boyfriends for all of 2 weeks) And we did things but not full blown sex. She was disappointed in me. Disappointed that i didnt wait longer. My sister told me that mum was disappointed that she didnt wait longer with her boyfriend (they've been together for over 6 years now). They kept asking about the other 2 guys but i didnt say anything and my sister realised it was awkward for me so we moved on. I actually think this bit came before the bit about the to do list but i cant really remember. Also my littlest brother (he's nearly 12) was around for a bit of this but i think he left before we talked about my sex life.
Somewhere in here we talked about me moving out of home (in brisbane) as well (i've never lived with anyone who wasnt family and i wouldnt mind experiencing it at some point) and the fact that my brother is annoyed with me because i dont have a job even though i probably spend more time on my studies then he does at work.
So that was my d&m with the females of my family. Given the length of this abridged post i bet you're glad i didnt do a detailed one. What can i say, it was a long talk. If you want to say anything leave a comment.
P.S. my mum talked to me a bit sunday morning and said she was reading about drop out and failure rates for engineering and she said i was doing really well and she was proud of me but i should try to have more fun. I also noticed she started writing the story she wanted to but i didnt read because she said not too.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Rambling Romantic Rooster
So it's been about a week since i posted and it's been a bit of a rollercoaster for me. I'll try to tell you everything that's been happening so i might ramble a bit in this post.
So last saturday i went out clubbing with some friends and some people i kinda know but not really. It was the first time i had seen james since my coming out to him. So i went over to this girls (friend of a friend) house for pre-drinks with everyone. After a while we caught a cab into the valley and we went to The Family. It was my first time going there and i was suprised i got in. It's a pretty nice club but it was kinda dead. I managed to dance up a bit of a storm, badly, but it was fun. After a while we left and went to possibly the best club in the entire of brisbane, The Embassy. Ok so that last thing was a personal opinion but it is a favourite of me and my friends and we usually end up in there at some point of the night if we go out clubbing, even if we dont plan to or say we wont. Also when i use to go out on friday night they had $10 jugs of cocktails which probably explains my fondness for a fruit tingle. Also i love fruit tingles (the fizzy lollies). WOW. So i got a bit sidetracked there but to cut a long story short i went out, had a good time and my sexuality wasnt mentioned once and james seemed fine with me.
So on sunday i woke up early as usual and kinda lazed around a bit and it was very relaxing. Also i dont really get hangovers so that is good.
So i'm not sure if you know this but i am a hopeless romantic. I am a huge romantic even though i dont really have any romance in my life. If you've been reading dans blog (Daily Dan, there should be a link on the side) lately you'll know what i mean when i say i wish something like that would happen to me. It just sounds so great and amazing and i wish him all the best. Also i saw this video on sunday afternoon i think and i thought it was so sweet and it made me well up a little and i wish something like this would happen to me.
Now i have to admit that i dont watch ugly betty. Actually i dont even know if they show it on tv anymore. They use to show it on channel 7 but i havent heard about it for a while.
Anyway, at the start of the week i was feeling depressed. It sounds so silly now. I was having problems with my mum again which seem to have cooled off for now but we'll see. Also i was having a bit of trouble with being single. I know it's stupid but i just want someone to want to be with me. Not just for sex and that. I just want some guy to wrap his arms around me and hold me and want me for me. I know it sounds corny but i've never really had that. I dont need a boyfriend but i think it would be nice.
So i've had uni this week and a fair few assignments and want not. And i've got exams coming up. At least i dont have to worry about work now. so normally i would have worked tuesday afternoon but seeing as i quit i had it off. Lately i have been thinking about going to the queer room at uni (it's actually called the queer room). Anyway, it's just a room for gay, lesbian , bi, trans, etc, etc students
and i think it's where the gay support group meets (or whatever they're called). So i decided that i would go and have a look on tuesday. I was so nervous it felt like my first time going gay clubbing all over again (my heart was beating so fast and that was just at the thought of going). So i walked up the stairs to the room. And i got to the top. And i turned around and walked back down. I chickened out and walked back down the stairs. It was just a room and i couldnt even go in. so i went back to the enginnering library and sat on the gound and hid in my little corner. I just couldnt do it.
Hmmmmm. What else has been happening.
I went to the indian returant down the road with my older brother and his gf the other night. It was my first time there and it tasted really good. However, i dont think i'll be eating indian again. Lets just say i dont think my toilet would appreciate it.
I got a nice message from james the other night saying it was good to see me on the weekend. I'll probably see him at some point this weekend.
My league team lost tonight which sucked but they're still towards the top of the ladder. They've won 4 out of the 6 games this season so hopefully they can keep it up and make the finals. At least they're doing better than the other queensland teams.
A big shout out to princess cause he's awesome.
I heard this song on the radio for the first time in a whil the other day and i remembered how much i liked it, actually how much i like most of her songs. Give it a listen. I think it's pretty good.
Actually i've been hearing a lot of good music lately so i might need to do another music post. Yves Klein Blue, Temper Trap, Bluejuice, Art vs Science and as much as i dont want to admit it i kinda like the new brian mcfadden song.
Anyway that's about it. Long and rambling as promised. I hope it makes sense. If you have any questions dont be afraid to ask, i wont bite. So leave a comment or ask a question on my formspring page (if you wish to be anonomous(link to the side)). Hope you're all well.
P.S. I just remembered DJ spoke to me briefly this morning. it was the first time we talked in months and it was brief and awkward. I dont think i have any feelings for him what so ever.
ALSO: lots of love to charlie cause he really is amazing and he was there for me this week when i was down and he helped me so thank you.
So last saturday i went out clubbing with some friends and some people i kinda know but not really. It was the first time i had seen james since my coming out to him. So i went over to this girls (friend of a friend) house for pre-drinks with everyone. After a while we caught a cab into the valley and we went to The Family. It was my first time going there and i was suprised i got in. It's a pretty nice club but it was kinda dead. I managed to dance up a bit of a storm, badly, but it was fun. After a while we left and went to possibly the best club in the entire of brisbane, The Embassy. Ok so that last thing was a personal opinion but it is a favourite of me and my friends and we usually end up in there at some point of the night if we go out clubbing, even if we dont plan to or say we wont. Also when i use to go out on friday night they had $10 jugs of cocktails which probably explains my fondness for a fruit tingle. Also i love fruit tingles (the fizzy lollies). WOW. So i got a bit sidetracked there but to cut a long story short i went out, had a good time and my sexuality wasnt mentioned once and james seemed fine with me.
So on sunday i woke up early as usual and kinda lazed around a bit and it was very relaxing. Also i dont really get hangovers so that is good.
So i'm not sure if you know this but i am a hopeless romantic. I am a huge romantic even though i dont really have any romance in my life. If you've been reading dans blog (Daily Dan, there should be a link on the side) lately you'll know what i mean when i say i wish something like that would happen to me. It just sounds so great and amazing and i wish him all the best. Also i saw this video on sunday afternoon i think and i thought it was so sweet and it made me well up a little and i wish something like this would happen to me.
Now i have to admit that i dont watch ugly betty. Actually i dont even know if they show it on tv anymore. They use to show it on channel 7 but i havent heard about it for a while.
Anyway, at the start of the week i was feeling depressed. It sounds so silly now. I was having problems with my mum again which seem to have cooled off for now but we'll see. Also i was having a bit of trouble with being single. I know it's stupid but i just want someone to want to be with me. Not just for sex and that. I just want some guy to wrap his arms around me and hold me and want me for me. I know it sounds corny but i've never really had that. I dont need a boyfriend but i think it would be nice.
So i've had uni this week and a fair few assignments and want not. And i've got exams coming up. At least i dont have to worry about work now. so normally i would have worked tuesday afternoon but seeing as i quit i had it off. Lately i have been thinking about going to the queer room at uni (it's actually called the queer room). Anyway, it's just a room for gay, lesbian , bi, trans, etc, etc students
and i think it's where the gay support group meets (or whatever they're called). So i decided that i would go and have a look on tuesday. I was so nervous it felt like my first time going gay clubbing all over again (my heart was beating so fast and that was just at the thought of going). So i walked up the stairs to the room. And i got to the top. And i turned around and walked back down. I chickened out and walked back down the stairs. It was just a room and i couldnt even go in. so i went back to the enginnering library and sat on the gound and hid in my little corner. I just couldnt do it.
Hmmmmm. What else has been happening.
I went to the indian returant down the road with my older brother and his gf the other night. It was my first time there and it tasted really good. However, i dont think i'll be eating indian again. Lets just say i dont think my toilet would appreciate it.
I got a nice message from james the other night saying it was good to see me on the weekend. I'll probably see him at some point this weekend.
My league team lost tonight which sucked but they're still towards the top of the ladder. They've won 4 out of the 6 games this season so hopefully they can keep it up and make the finals. At least they're doing better than the other queensland teams.
A big shout out to princess cause he's awesome.
I heard this song on the radio for the first time in a whil the other day and i remembered how much i liked it, actually how much i like most of her songs. Give it a listen. I think it's pretty good.
Actually i've been hearing a lot of good music lately so i might need to do another music post. Yves Klein Blue, Temper Trap, Bluejuice, Art vs Science and as much as i dont want to admit it i kinda like the new brian mcfadden song.
Anyway that's about it. Long and rambling as promised. I hope it makes sense. If you have any questions dont be afraid to ask, i wont bite. So leave a comment or ask a question on my formspring page (if you wish to be anonomous(link to the side)). Hope you're all well.
P.S. I just remembered DJ spoke to me briefly this morning. it was the first time we talked in months and it was brief and awkward. I dont think i have any feelings for him what so ever.
ALSO: lots of love to charlie cause he really is amazing and he was there for me this week when i was down and he helped me so thank you.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
My Big Gay Easter
This post was originally going to be longer but i just couldnt be bothered. I think interesting is the right word to describe my weekend.
Well i guess it started when i came out to james. If you dont know what i'm talking about go read my last post. It's called parkinsons (i'd do an in-text reference but they never seem to work for me). So someone said my michael j fox joke wasnt funny. It wasn't really a joke. It was the only way i could describe myself at that point. I was shaking so much i was having trouble typing and i couldnt control it.
So i went to see my family on saturday. Hung out with my little brothers and just had fun. On sunday my mum had organised a family lunch and a family dinner. before lunch she called me into the laundry and asked if i was going to come out at lunch (she pretty much forced me out). Anyway. I said no, i'm not doing it with an audience. And she was like dont you want us all there to show them that we support you (them being my 2 little brothers) and i said no. So we had lunch and it went well. Later sunday afternoon my sister came to talk to me. She was like when are you coming out and i was like i dont know. And then she was like it's not right for us to have to keep this secret from them, you have to come out, It's why we're all here. I was like, first things first, we're here for easter not for me to come out. Secondly i didnt realise my sexuality was such a hotly discussed topic and my 2 little brothers talked about it often. Then i kinda just walked away. so we had our family dinner sunday night. My sister says our family is like the one on brothers and sisters. Apparently they just have big family meals and sit around and bicker. It does kinda sound like us.
Everyone had just gone to bed on sunday night so i got up and went into *little brother 1*'s room. I sat on his bed and i said i have something to tell you. I'm gay. And he was like no you're not. And i was like yes i am. And he was like what/how/when/etc. He also asked if i had a bf and who else knew. He was getting kinda loud and still didnt really believe me so i left and went back to bed. I could hear him in the hallway and my mum came out and she came to the doorway of my room and she was like why did you do it like that i organised two family meals so you could do it. And i was like i'm not doing it with a fucking audience now turn out the light i'm going to bed. And then my mum made my brother say he was alright with it. She's like that's all he needs to hear.
So i went to bed and didnt get a lot of sleep but whatever. I woke up monday morning and went to the loungeroom and little brother number 2 was there (he's only 12 no 11, hence the different tone with him). So i sat down on the couch next to him and i said *little brother 2* do you know what being gay is. And he said it's when boys like other boys. And i said *little brother 2* i'm gay, are you alright with it. And he said it was my choice. And i asked if he had any questions but he said no.
So later that morning my mumcalled me into a room and got up me. She wasnt happy with the way i came out and she was like you went in there shouting that it was ************** and ************* and spiteful (i cant remember the other two words but i definately remember spiteful. I was like there was nothing spiteful about it. I went in and sat on the bed and told him i was gay. He didnt believe me so i left. Athere was no shouting and nothing spiteful about it. And then she was like when are you going to tell *little brother 2* and i was like i told him this morning and the n she asked how he took it and then she started talking about her parenting and i just couldnt take it so i left. She was so annoying all weekend and i told her that. She was like what makes me annoying and i was like you know how some poeple are just annoying for no reason, well that's you. So i left early-ish monday morning and came back to brisbane.
So that was my big gay easter. Sorry it took so long to post, I hope it makes sense to you. I was definately an interesting weekend. Hope your easter was good. Comments/questions/etc as per usual.
Well i guess it started when i came out to james. If you dont know what i'm talking about go read my last post. It's called parkinsons (i'd do an in-text reference but they never seem to work for me). So someone said my michael j fox joke wasnt funny. It wasn't really a joke. It was the only way i could describe myself at that point. I was shaking so much i was having trouble typing and i couldnt control it.
So i went to see my family on saturday. Hung out with my little brothers and just had fun. On sunday my mum had organised a family lunch and a family dinner. before lunch she called me into the laundry and asked if i was going to come out at lunch (she pretty much forced me out). Anyway. I said no, i'm not doing it with an audience. And she was like dont you want us all there to show them that we support you (them being my 2 little brothers) and i said no. So we had lunch and it went well. Later sunday afternoon my sister came to talk to me. She was like when are you coming out and i was like i dont know. And then she was like it's not right for us to have to keep this secret from them, you have to come out, It's why we're all here. I was like, first things first, we're here for easter not for me to come out. Secondly i didnt realise my sexuality was such a hotly discussed topic and my 2 little brothers talked about it often. Then i kinda just walked away. so we had our family dinner sunday night. My sister says our family is like the one on brothers and sisters. Apparently they just have big family meals and sit around and bicker. It does kinda sound like us.
Everyone had just gone to bed on sunday night so i got up and went into *little brother 1*'s room. I sat on his bed and i said i have something to tell you. I'm gay. And he was like no you're not. And i was like yes i am. And he was like what/how/when/etc. He also asked if i had a bf and who else knew. He was getting kinda loud and still didnt really believe me so i left and went back to bed. I could hear him in the hallway and my mum came out and she came to the doorway of my room and she was like why did you do it like that i organised two family meals so you could do it. And i was like i'm not doing it with a fucking audience now turn out the light i'm going to bed. And then my mum made my brother say he was alright with it. She's like that's all he needs to hear.
So i went to bed and didnt get a lot of sleep but whatever. I woke up monday morning and went to the loungeroom and little brother number 2 was there (he's only 12 no 11, hence the different tone with him). So i sat down on the couch next to him and i said *little brother 2* do you know what being gay is. And he said it's when boys like other boys. And i said *little brother 2* i'm gay, are you alright with it. And he said it was my choice. And i asked if he had any questions but he said no.
So later that morning my mumcalled me into a room and got up me. She wasnt happy with the way i came out and she was like you went in there shouting that it was ************** and ************* and spiteful (i cant remember the other two words but i definately remember spiteful. I was like there was nothing spiteful about it. I went in and sat on the bed and told him i was gay. He didnt believe me so i left. Athere was no shouting and nothing spiteful about it. And then she was like when are you going to tell *little brother 2* and i was like i told him this morning and the n she asked how he took it and then she started talking about her parenting and i just couldnt take it so i left. She was so annoying all weekend and i told her that. She was like what makes me annoying and i was like you know how some poeple are just annoying for no reason, well that's you. So i left early-ish monday morning and came back to brisbane.
So that was my big gay easter. Sorry it took so long to post, I hope it makes sense to you. I was definately an interesting weekend. Hope your easter was good. Comments/questions/etc as per usual.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Parkinsons
So last night i came out to my friend james via facebook chat. I was shaking so much i looked like Michael J Fox (title reference), I'm still kinda shaking now. Here is the relevant part of the convo. (i've taken out some names to protect the innocent)
Tommy
my social life is alright. Went to the uni pub with some friends last night. Had a good time. Saw ****** and ******** and one of the **********. had some "words" with some college cunts
hey can i tell you something
James
fuck yea sounds choice bro, what happened with these "words"?? anyone have your back? go on..
Tommy
the words were just silly. I wasnt overly involved it was more my friends. one of my friends knocked a full jug of beer over one of the college kids and they got riled up. it was like 15 angainst 3
James
lol fuck man that sucks. what'd u wanna tell me?
Tommy
i'm gay
James
what?? since when lol
Tommy
lol
James
r u serious??
Tommy
Yeah
suprise
James
wait a sec tommy now lets talk about this...i dont need to know details or anything but like when did u decide this? cause i thought u liked the ladies lol
just cause u might not be a ladies man doesnt mean u wont get any ladies
Tommy
its not that james
i'm still the same person
you're born this way
Ummmm
hope you're alright with it
James
i know that but its kind of a shock. I'm not gonna tell anyone if u wanna keep this between us but yea. well sir ian mckellan is gay and he's one of the best english actors ever
Tommy
lol
thanks james
you're the first friend i've really told
James
who else knows?
Tommy
my family knows but yeah
some people i've met in brissie
James
yea? what'd they think
Tommy
ummm
they were ok
i'm going to tell *little brother 1* and *little brother 2* this weekend
if you have any questions just ask
James
r u sure they need to know?
does *older brother* know??
Tommy
yeah
*little brother 1* and *little brother 2* are the only ones that dont know
*older brother* toook it suprisingly well
he was really good about it
James
really lol
i thought he would have been a cunt about it
Tommy
me too
but he doesnt seem to mind
and he helped my mum with it as well
James
hmm ok so now you're out of the closet now what? is this like a decision you made or just what u felt?
Tommy
coming out is a decision i made
James
so is it that you don't like women or just that you like dudes?
well I'd still like to think you were the same guy cause i dont wanna have to act like you're a different person
Tommy
i'm still exactly the same person
its not like i'm going to catch a limp wrist or anything
I'm missing a tiny bit of the convo here. Guess i forgot to copy it from facebook to my messenger window (thanks for your help charlie). He said something about my limp wrist joke.
Tommy
dont worry
are you alright with it
James
yea like i can handle it...its just a shock man
Tommy
sorry
James
im trying to process it lol
Tommy
yeah
i understand
James
dont be fucken sorry dude, being who you are isnt something to apologise about, that pisses me off when u have to apologise for being yourself unless you've truly offended someone or done something horribly wrong
Tommy
thanks
if you have any questions dont be afraid to ask
James
ok so...if you were in a club would u be looking out for hot guys lol or what? you've seen zack and miri make a porno right??
Tommy
yeah i've seen that movie
i liked it
James
and the first question?
Tommy
ummm
i probably wouldnt be looking for anyone
but i'd recognize a hot guy
James
ok then well...are you attracted to women? I'm just trying to figure out if you're really meant to be gay...like not saying its not ok I just wanna know what is going on in your mind exactly.
Tommy
i'm not really attracted to women at all
James
ok so do you wanna end up with a guy as a partner then?
Tommy
i havent really thought about it that much but yeah, i guess so
James
well you know saying that you're gay is a fucken big commitment mate like I don't take it lightly, and I really think you'd have to know that to go ahead and say it. Like everyone has a few gay thoughts every now and again but it can't just be some phase that you're going thru. Like if u changed your mind and decided that you were straigt then you would have just fucked with everyones minds.
But as long as you're sure this is right for you then I'm happy. Did u talk to anyone before you made this decision?? Because its not like getting a sex change where you have to be psychologically proven to be a woman trapped in a mans body you know.
But i think you're mature enough to have made the right decision tommy, but everyone gets confused about things...
not saying u are man
Tommy
if its a phase its been going on for quite a while
James
ok then so when?
Tommy
i understand your concerns james
James
I just want whats right for you and if thats being gay then so be it. I just don't want it to change the way I think about you...which it shouldnt but yea I can just imagine if the rest of our friends knew I dont know what they'd think like they can be pretty fucken shallow sometimes
Tommy
yeah
i thought you would take it the best
and you're probably the one i'm closest to out of everyone
James
true that
Tommy
so thats why i told you first
James
fair enough well theres no point hiding it man, because it would only make it worse, I think I'm starting to accept it now lol. Like I don't think its a big deal man
Tommy
thanks
i'm still the same person i've always been
James
thats right...like out mates arent that shallow when it comes down to it they're pretty understanding but initially they'd be shocked i suppose
Tommy
yeah
i figure they'd get over it eventually
if they dont it's there problem
James
yea they would
exactly
well man I'm getting pretty tired after all that thinking i thing i need to hit the hay
Tommy
thats alright
James
i'll catcha later mate
Tommy
indeed
we'll catch up soon
James
yea man should be good I was just thinkin we needed to hit the town again soon
Tommy
i know
i havent been clubbing in ages
James
fuck yea well in the next month u will!
but until then take it east bruss
Tommy
lol
James
easy
lol
Tommy
you too
James
Night man
Tommy
lol
night
So that was it. Overall, i think it went well. I guess we'll see how he acts when i see him next.
Hope you have a good easter
Tommy
my social life is alright. Went to the uni pub with some friends last night. Had a good time. Saw ****** and ******** and one of the **********. had some "words" with some college cunts
hey can i tell you something
James
fuck yea sounds choice bro, what happened with these "words"?? anyone have your back? go on..
Tommy
the words were just silly. I wasnt overly involved it was more my friends. one of my friends knocked a full jug of beer over one of the college kids and they got riled up. it was like 15 angainst 3
James
lol fuck man that sucks. what'd u wanna tell me?
Tommy
i'm gay
James
what?? since when lol
Tommy
lol
James
r u serious??
Tommy
Yeah
suprise
James
wait a sec tommy now lets talk about this...i dont need to know details or anything but like when did u decide this? cause i thought u liked the ladies lol
just cause u might not be a ladies man doesnt mean u wont get any ladies
Tommy
its not that james
i'm still the same person
you're born this way
Ummmm
hope you're alright with it
James
i know that but its kind of a shock. I'm not gonna tell anyone if u wanna keep this between us but yea. well sir ian mckellan is gay and he's one of the best english actors ever
Sidenote : I love that he thought of ian mckellan and he said sir ian. Also i'm nearly in tears (and shaking) while i'm writing this and i dont know why.
Tommy
lol
thanks james
you're the first friend i've really told
James
who else knows?
Tommy
my family knows but yeah
some people i've met in brissie
James
yea? what'd they think
Tommy
ummm
they were ok
i'm going to tell *little brother 1* and *little brother 2* this weekend
if you have any questions just ask
James
r u sure they need to know?
does *older brother* know??
Tommy
yeah
*little brother 1* and *little brother 2* are the only ones that dont know
*older brother* toook it suprisingly well
he was really good about it
James
really lol
i thought he would have been a cunt about it
Sidenote : I really dont use the word cunt a lot
Tommy
me too
but he doesnt seem to mind
and he helped my mum with it as well
James
hmm ok so now you're out of the closet now what? is this like a decision you made or just what u felt?
Tommy
coming out is a decision i made
James
so is it that you don't like women or just that you like dudes?
well I'd still like to think you were the same guy cause i dont wanna have to act like you're a different person
Tommy
i'm still exactly the same person
its not like i'm going to catch a limp wrist or anything
I'm missing a tiny bit of the convo here. Guess i forgot to copy it from facebook to my messenger window (thanks for your help charlie). He said something about my limp wrist joke.
Tommy
dont worry
are you alright with it
James
yea like i can handle it...its just a shock man
Tommy
sorry
James
im trying to process it lol
Tommy
yeah
i understand
James
dont be fucken sorry dude, being who you are isnt something to apologise about, that pisses me off when u have to apologise for being yourself unless you've truly offended someone or done something horribly wrong
Tommy
thanks
if you have any questions dont be afraid to ask
James
ok so...if you were in a club would u be looking out for hot guys lol or what? you've seen zack and miri make a porno right??
Tommy
yeah i've seen that movie
i liked it
Sidenote : Not exactly sure why he bought up that movie but i did like it. I think i need to watch it again
James
and the first question?
Tommy
ummm
i probably wouldnt be looking for anyone
but i'd recognize a hot guy
James
ok then well...are you attracted to women? I'm just trying to figure out if you're really meant to be gay...like not saying its not ok I just wanna know what is going on in your mind exactly.
Tommy
i'm not really attracted to women at all
James
ok so do you wanna end up with a guy as a partner then?
Tommy
i havent really thought about it that much but yeah, i guess so
Sidenote : I figured saying that would be better than saying i'd love a boyfriend to fuck me senseless
James
well you know saying that you're gay is a fucken big commitment mate like I don't take it lightly, and I really think you'd have to know that to go ahead and say it. Like everyone has a few gay thoughts every now and again but it can't just be some phase that you're going thru. Like if u changed your mind and decided that you were straigt then you would have just fucked with everyones minds.
But as long as you're sure this is right for you then I'm happy. Did u talk to anyone before you made this decision?? Because its not like getting a sex change where you have to be psychologically proven to be a woman trapped in a mans body you know.
But i think you're mature enough to have made the right decision tommy, but everyone gets confused about things...
not saying u are man
Tommy
if its a phase its been going on for quite a while
James
ok then so when?
Tommy
i understand your concerns james
James
I just want whats right for you and if thats being gay then so be it. I just don't want it to change the way I think about you...which it shouldnt but yea I can just imagine if the rest of our friends knew I dont know what they'd think like they can be pretty fucken shallow sometimes
Tommy
yeah
i thought you would take it the best
and you're probably the one i'm closest to out of everyone
James
true that
Tommy
so thats why i told you first
James
fair enough well theres no point hiding it man, because it would only make it worse, I think I'm starting to accept it now lol. Like I don't think its a big deal man
Tommy
thanks
i'm still the same person i've always been
James
thats right...like out mates arent that shallow when it comes down to it they're pretty understanding but initially they'd be shocked i suppose
Tommy
yeah
i figure they'd get over it eventually
if they dont it's there problem
James
yea they would
exactly
well man I'm getting pretty tired after all that thinking i thing i need to hit the hay
Tommy
thats alright
James
i'll catcha later mate
Tommy
indeed
we'll catch up soon
James
yea man should be good I was just thinkin we needed to hit the town again soon
Tommy
i know
i havent been clubbing in ages
James
fuck yea well in the next month u will!
but until then take it east bruss
Tommy
lol
James
easy
lol
Tommy
you too
James
Night man
Tommy
lol
night
So that was it. Overall, i think it went well. I guess we'll see how he acts when i see him next.
Hope you have a good easter
Friday, April 2, 2010
Weekend in Hell
Wish me luck. So i'm going to see my family this weekend for easter. It should be fun given that my mum hates me at the moment. I'm also probably going to come out to my little brothers. So yeah. I've been up and down lately so we'll see how it goes.
I had an interesting night last night. Went to the uni pub with some friends. Kinda came out to one of them. dont think he heard me though. Got into a disagreement with some college kids. All college kids are cunts. At least the ones i've met. So yeah. Got a week off from uni and shitloads of study to do.
Hope you have a good easter
I had an interesting night last night. Went to the uni pub with some friends. Kinda came out to one of them. dont think he heard me though. Got into a disagreement with some college kids. All college kids are cunts. At least the ones i've met. So yeah. Got a week off from uni and shitloads of study to do.
Hope you have a good easter
Friday, March 12, 2010
Busy, Busy, Busy - Part 2
Welcome back to another episode of my big fat shitty life.
I feel terrible at the moment. I'm so stressed over uni. Two weeks in and i'm convinced i'm going to fail something. Who the hell decides that final exams worth 70% are a good idea. So i've already handed in two lots of assessment and i have another 3 due next week. I dont see this going well. Also i'm getting sick. Or i am already sick. I have a sore throat and my nose is all stuffed up and i just feel tired. I live with 2 pigs and they obviously dont understand the concept of cleaning. I know i'm not perfect but they can be disgusting. Also as of yesterday i have a lump near my right nipple. It's like right next to it and it's kinda sore. I showed my brother and he said it might just be a lymph node but i dont know. My family does have a big history of breast cancer and i know guys can get it. I just...I dont know. Maybe i'm burning the candle at both ends. So back to the continuation of my last post.
So on monday i had a date. I'd been talking to this guy for a couple of days and i'd sent him some texts while i was at the 21st so on monday afternoon we met. He just recently moved to brisbane and he lives close by, but not really (technically i think he lives in Ipswich). So on monday afternoon i drove out to his place and picked him up(because i'm a gentleman). So he came out of his house and he was wearing long black pants and a button up shirt. He looked good. He's the same height as me and he has blackish hair and he's a little tanned. He's an attractive guy. So we talked while i drove us to the cinemas. He seemed really nice and he's much more confident then me. He's out and we talked about me coming out and he said he wanted to help me. So we got to the cinema and had some time to spare so I managed to convince him to go to a games arcade with me. we played a couple of games and he said he didnt like to play games cause he got competitive so i felt a little bad for making him play. So we went to the cinemas and bought our tickets and just hung around till we could go in. I felt really nervous. We went to see The wolfman. We decided to see it because neither of us really like horror movies and this was the scariest one on. So it was us and some random guy that sat towards the front in the cinema (we were at the back). So we played wheel of fortune on his phone while we waited for the movie to start. I accidently called him handsome. Then the movie started and we were kinda sitting there and i could feel his little finger kind of brushing against my leg. I let it go for a while then i leant over and gave him a really quick kiss in the cheek. I moved away from him so fast. I was blushing. Then i leant back over to tell him it was for playing air hockey with me and he turned around and kissed me. we kissed 2 or 3 more times and it was great. I could have melted. So then we started holding hands. We watched the rest of the movie, making out every so often and holding each other in the scary parts. He made me blush a couple of times. He called me delicious and kissed me and he could see me blushing in the dark of the cinema. Every so often he would try and feel my package but i fended him off. I told him not on a first date. So the movie finished and i drove him home and he had his hand on my leg while we were driving. It was nice. So i parked in front of his house and we made out for a while in the car (maybe 20 minutes or so). He's a really good kisser and i was pretty much hard the whole time. He tried to grab my cock a couple of times and i blocked him and he asked for "just a little taste". It was funny and cute. After a while we got out of the car and we hugged and i just couldn't help it. I pushed him against the car and started making out again. He said he could feel my cock and i said i couldn't help it. He asked me if i wanted him to take care of it. I said yes, but not yet. we need to have at least 2 dates before you get to touch it. So after a while he said he should probably go and i gave him a hug (it was great) and a kiss on the cheek (cause originally i said he might get a kiss on the cheek at the end of the night if he was lucky). I asked him about a second date and he said definately. HOWEVER, I havent heard from him all week. I've sent him a couple of texts but no reply. I'm hoping there's an explaination like he's run out of credit or something but i dont know.
Also i've been thinking about coming out a bit. Well quite a bit. Then last night, with some helpful encouragement from princess i changed my interested in on facebook. It now says i like guys as well as girls eventually i'll change it to just guys. I've decided i'm not going to address it unless someone asks. I'm not going to make a point of it but it is there for anyone to see. So i changed it and i asked phil (i was talking ot him at the time) to go and look at my facebook page. He saw it and congratulated me. It made me feel a little better.
I have tonnes of other shits to talk about but this will do for now. As always if you have any questions you want to ask me leave a comment. I will do my best to answer them.
I feel terrible at the moment. I'm so stressed over uni. Two weeks in and i'm convinced i'm going to fail something. Who the hell decides that final exams worth 70% are a good idea. So i've already handed in two lots of assessment and i have another 3 due next week. I dont see this going well. Also i'm getting sick. Or i am already sick. I have a sore throat and my nose is all stuffed up and i just feel tired. I live with 2 pigs and they obviously dont understand the concept of cleaning. I know i'm not perfect but they can be disgusting. Also as of yesterday i have a lump near my right nipple. It's like right next to it and it's kinda sore. I showed my brother and he said it might just be a lymph node but i dont know. My family does have a big history of breast cancer and i know guys can get it. I just...I dont know. Maybe i'm burning the candle at both ends. So back to the continuation of my last post.
So on monday i had a date. I'd been talking to this guy for a couple of days and i'd sent him some texts while i was at the 21st so on monday afternoon we met. He just recently moved to brisbane and he lives close by, but not really (technically i think he lives in Ipswich). So on monday afternoon i drove out to his place and picked him up(because i'm a gentleman). So he came out of his house and he was wearing long black pants and a button up shirt. He looked good. He's the same height as me and he has blackish hair and he's a little tanned. He's an attractive guy. So we talked while i drove us to the cinemas. He seemed really nice and he's much more confident then me. He's out and we talked about me coming out and he said he wanted to help me. So we got to the cinema and had some time to spare so I managed to convince him to go to a games arcade with me. we played a couple of games and he said he didnt like to play games cause he got competitive so i felt a little bad for making him play. So we went to the cinemas and bought our tickets and just hung around till we could go in. I felt really nervous. We went to see The wolfman. We decided to see it because neither of us really like horror movies and this was the scariest one on. So it was us and some random guy that sat towards the front in the cinema (we were at the back). So we played wheel of fortune on his phone while we waited for the movie to start. I accidently called him handsome. Then the movie started and we were kinda sitting there and i could feel his little finger kind of brushing against my leg. I let it go for a while then i leant over and gave him a really quick kiss in the cheek. I moved away from him so fast. I was blushing. Then i leant back over to tell him it was for playing air hockey with me and he turned around and kissed me. we kissed 2 or 3 more times and it was great. I could have melted. So then we started holding hands. We watched the rest of the movie, making out every so often and holding each other in the scary parts. He made me blush a couple of times. He called me delicious and kissed me and he could see me blushing in the dark of the cinema. Every so often he would try and feel my package but i fended him off. I told him not on a first date. So the movie finished and i drove him home and he had his hand on my leg while we were driving. It was nice. So i parked in front of his house and we made out for a while in the car (maybe 20 minutes or so). He's a really good kisser and i was pretty much hard the whole time. He tried to grab my cock a couple of times and i blocked him and he asked for "just a little taste". It was funny and cute. After a while we got out of the car and we hugged and i just couldn't help it. I pushed him against the car and started making out again. He said he could feel my cock and i said i couldn't help it. He asked me if i wanted him to take care of it. I said yes, but not yet. we need to have at least 2 dates before you get to touch it. So after a while he said he should probably go and i gave him a hug (it was great) and a kiss on the cheek (cause originally i said he might get a kiss on the cheek at the end of the night if he was lucky). I asked him about a second date and he said definately. HOWEVER, I havent heard from him all week. I've sent him a couple of texts but no reply. I'm hoping there's an explaination like he's run out of credit or something but i dont know.
Also i've been thinking about coming out a bit. Well quite a bit. Then last night, with some helpful encouragement from princess i changed my interested in on facebook. It now says i like guys as well as girls eventually i'll change it to just guys. I've decided i'm not going to address it unless someone asks. I'm not going to make a point of it but it is there for anyone to see. So i changed it and i asked phil (i was talking ot him at the time) to go and look at my facebook page. He saw it and congratulated me. It made me feel a little better.
I have tonnes of other shits to talk about but this will do for now. As always if you have any questions you want to ask me leave a comment. I will do my best to answer them.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
My Sister
So this is my second recount of the past couple of (life changing) days
FRIDAY (evening)
So i got home from my epic day of epicness with phil. I kind of stuffed around for a bit but then my sister rang. we had a bit of a generic conversation. Talked about my life and the house she's buying and stuff. Then she asked me if everything was alright and if i needed to tell her anything. Now i know my mother mentioned something but i just didn't feel like telling her. So i said nothing was wrong and that was about it. Then about 5 minutes later my mother rang me, in tears. She said all this stuff like how the family is falling apart and i have to tell my sister and all this other stuff. Some of it was to do with me some of it was to do with my sister and older brother and my mums visit not long ago. So i got off the phone to my mum and rang my sister back. So i rang my sister back and just flat out told her i was gay (i might have been a bit blunt about it). She got a bit upset and asked mainly the same stuff my mum did. She cryed and took it worse than my mum so yeah. I got of the phone and my mum rang me back. She said i wasn't on the phone long and asked what i said, etc.
So it turns out my mother was having some problems with my sexuality. She was overly worried and thinking about stereotypes and what not. i assured her i have no interest in getting a piercing, or tattoo, or fashion. I dont want to dress in womens clothes and i'm not going to be prancing down the street. My mum doesn't think i'm effemanant (female) enough to be gay. She also asked me if i'd ever been with a girl. I said no. She asked me how i knew if i was gay if i've never been with a girl. This is when my brother came down to my room. I guess he knew something was happening and came to check on me. He walked in when i asked my mum if she'd ever been with a woman and how did she know she wasn't a lesbian. My brother asked if i was alright and if i wanted him to take the phone and talk to her. I said it was fine and kept talking to mum. Not long after i got off the phone to mum and had a great conversation with my brother. We talked about me coming out to my mum. And my gay friends and my sex life (to a certain extent). This was stuff we hadn't talked about before. I kinda explained the idea of tops and bottoms. He asked me if i was offende by the word faggot and said he'd try to remove it from his vocabulary. This conversation was happening while we were cooking dinner. So just as we finished getting dinner ready the phone rang again. I went to pick it up but my brother said he'd get it. We both knew it was my mum. So my brother answered the phone and suprise suprise it was my mum. My brother had this really long conversation with her and i didn't hear all of it but i heard some things my brother said and they were really great. He was so great and i think my mum understands a bit better now. After he got off the phone to my mum he called my sister. Now i know my sister was upset but i know that some of it was because of her boyfriends sister. Apparently she's a lesbian but my sister doesn't really think so. She thinks that she is making it harder for people like me to come out but yeah. So my brother talked to my sister and i think everything will be alright now. So that was pretty much friday for me.
FRIDAY (evening)
So i got home from my epic day of epicness with phil. I kind of stuffed around for a bit but then my sister rang. we had a bit of a generic conversation. Talked about my life and the house she's buying and stuff. Then she asked me if everything was alright and if i needed to tell her anything. Now i know my mother mentioned something but i just didn't feel like telling her. So i said nothing was wrong and that was about it. Then about 5 minutes later my mother rang me, in tears. She said all this stuff like how the family is falling apart and i have to tell my sister and all this other stuff. Some of it was to do with me some of it was to do with my sister and older brother and my mums visit not long ago. So i got off the phone to my mum and rang my sister back. So i rang my sister back and just flat out told her i was gay (i might have been a bit blunt about it). She got a bit upset and asked mainly the same stuff my mum did. She cryed and took it worse than my mum so yeah. I got of the phone and my mum rang me back. She said i wasn't on the phone long and asked what i said, etc.
So it turns out my mother was having some problems with my sexuality. She was overly worried and thinking about stereotypes and what not. i assured her i have no interest in getting a piercing, or tattoo, or fashion. I dont want to dress in womens clothes and i'm not going to be prancing down the street. My mum doesn't think i'm effemanant (female) enough to be gay. She also asked me if i'd ever been with a girl. I said no. She asked me how i knew if i was gay if i've never been with a girl. This is when my brother came down to my room. I guess he knew something was happening and came to check on me. He walked in when i asked my mum if she'd ever been with a woman and how did she know she wasn't a lesbian. My brother asked if i was alright and if i wanted him to take the phone and talk to her. I said it was fine and kept talking to mum. Not long after i got off the phone to mum and had a great conversation with my brother. We talked about me coming out to my mum. And my gay friends and my sex life (to a certain extent). This was stuff we hadn't talked about before. I kinda explained the idea of tops and bottoms. He asked me if i was offende by the word faggot and said he'd try to remove it from his vocabulary. This conversation was happening while we were cooking dinner. So just as we finished getting dinner ready the phone rang again. I went to pick it up but my brother said he'd get it. We both knew it was my mum. So my brother answered the phone and suprise suprise it was my mum. My brother had this really long conversation with her and i didn't hear all of it but i heard some things my brother said and they were really great. He was so great and i think my mum understands a bit better now. After he got off the phone to my mum he called my sister. Now i know my sister was upset but i know that some of it was because of her boyfriends sister. Apparently she's a lesbian but my sister doesn't really think so. She thinks that she is making it harder for people like me to come out but yeah. So my brother talked to my sister and i think everything will be alright now. So that was pretty much friday for me.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
My Brother
This is just a quick post to say that i'm now out to most of my immediate family and my older brother is the bestest brother in the entire world
Thursday, January 21, 2010
I Sit Here Crying
At the moment i am sitting here crying. I have just come out to my mother and i cant stop crying. I dont even know why i'm crying. We were talking on the phone for the second time tonight and it was just the usual stuff. We talked about money and cleaning the house and uni and it went around in cicles a bit. She told me that i need to have a social life and she's worried i'm not happy and everyone says its so hard to talk to me and she says i never tell anyone anything. And i just told her i was gay. and she said are you serious and i said yes. And she said ok. She said it she wasn't suprised and she'd expected it. The thing that seemed to worry her the most seemed to be the pornography. Well not even the pornography but me looking at the pornography. About a million times she said i need to stop looking at pornography otherwise i might click on underage picture and i'll be branded for life. I'm like i'm not that stupid it wont happen. She asked me if i'd been a "relationship". i knew what she meant and i said yes but lied a bit. I told her i'd only been with one guy and it was only a few times. She asked me how i met him and i said i met him at uni(kinda a lie. I dont think my mum needs to know about my sex life that much. The guy i referred to is real and we were together briefly and it was a mutual end but we didn't actually have anal sex). She asked about sex and i assured her that i always used a condom and i dont want to put myself in danger so i would never do anything stupid. She then asked if i was the man or the woman in the realtionship (this annoyed me a little but i just let her go) I told her the truth. I've only ever been the man. She also asked why i hadn't told her when she had asked the thousand times before. I told her it was very confusing and i had to be comfortable with myself before i could tell anyone else. She felt a little dissapointed that i took until now to tell her given that i knew she'd be alright with it. I think it was around this point that i started crying. I tried to hide it but my mum knew. I cant remember everything we talked about. She asked me when i had decided and i said you dont decide i just am. She asked me if i had considered suicide and i said never. She told me that she thinks i should see a counseller, not because i have a problem but because i need to talk to someone about my confusions. She pointed out the fact that i'm not really feminine and asked what i felt when i saw someone like W (one half of a gay couple that are family friends) who is over the top gay. She asked me if i had feelings for my friend james and i told her i didn't and that i've never thought about my friends like that. We talked about coming out to my friends and she asked if she could tell her best friend. She asked if i wanted M & W's number so i could talk to them. I said no because i wouldn't know what to talk about. She talked about relationships and it cant just be about sex. Then she asked me if at 70 when i looked back on my life if i would be happy with it and not being able to have my own family. I told her i could still have a family and she said yes but its a lot harder. We talked about predjudice and how it could affect my job chances and life. She talked about gay bashings. I told her i probably wouldn't come out to any of my uni friends. They dont need to know. We talked about coming out to my dad and she said she could tell him but she'd prefer if i did it. She said he was the most reasonable and understanding person in the world. One of the last things she said was that she wasn't ashamed of me and she thinks you're born this way but she was sorry if there was anything that her or my dad had done that had influenced me or made me turn out this way. I told her i was born this way and they were great parents. Then we said goodbye and i told her i loved her.
So i've just stopped crying and my mum just rang again. She said that she just wanted to check if i was alright (probably because if the crying). She said she had told my dad because she didn't think i was up to it now. We talked about some more stuff like telling my 2 little brothers and my sister. I have planned to tell my sister but i think i'll do it tomorrow.
So thats it for now. I'm definately on my way
P.S. I'm meeting phil for the first time tomorrow for our "epic day of epicness" which should be fun. I'll let you know how it goes
So i've just stopped crying and my mum just rang again. She said that she just wanted to check if i was alright (probably because if the crying). She said she had told my dad because she didn't think i was up to it now. We talked about some more stuff like telling my 2 little brothers and my sister. I have planned to tell my sister but i think i'll do it tomorrow.
So thats it for now. I'm definately on my way
P.S. I'm meeting phil for the first time tomorrow for our "epic day of epicness" which should be fun. I'll let you know how it goes
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Man-date (and other random things)
So last night i went on a man-date with my friend Bronco. This was the first time we'd actually met so i was a bit nervous but i had lots of fun. He picked me up and we went and had these massive burgers at garden city then we went to see Bran Nue Dae. It was a pretty good movie but that ending was like WTF?! Now i'm glad is was just a man-date and not a date date because i dont think i could have handled that.
(Man-date : A date between two male friends with a plutonic relationship, see also bromantic :P) We got along really well and chatted about tonnes of different things so it was a good night.
In other news a couple of posts ago i mentioned that some guy wanted me to be his "master". Thats not going to happen because that guy is fucking weird. I was willing to give it a try to a certain extent but then he mentioned tasers and whipping and i was like "Oh Fuck". The stuff he was saying made me want to vomit. I dont think i'll ever talk to him again.
I need a new computer. The one i have is falling apart
I've come to the decision that my mum will know i am of the male persuasion by the end of the month at the latest. I want her to know and i think it will make some things easier. Unfortunately i kinda have to make a big deal out of it because she's asked me about my sexuality before and i denied it.
I've made a new friend who shall go by the name phil. We get along really well and have big long conversations on msn. It's just easy to chat to him, he's around my age and goes tothe same uni as me. I think i'm meeting him friday. We've kinda planned an epic day of epicness so i'll let you know how it goes. He also wants to take me to the beat sometime. I've never been before so it should be interesting. (the beat is like the main gay club in brisbane)
Work is boring and really busy.
So thats my life at the moment. I'll keep you updated
(Man-date : A date between two male friends with a plutonic relationship, see also bromantic :P) We got along really well and chatted about tonnes of different things so it was a good night.
In other news a couple of posts ago i mentioned that some guy wanted me to be his "master". Thats not going to happen because that guy is fucking weird. I was willing to give it a try to a certain extent but then he mentioned tasers and whipping and i was like "Oh Fuck". The stuff he was saying made me want to vomit. I dont think i'll ever talk to him again.
I need a new computer. The one i have is falling apart
I've come to the decision that my mum will know i am of the male persuasion by the end of the month at the latest. I want her to know and i think it will make some things easier. Unfortunately i kinda have to make a big deal out of it because she's asked me about my sexuality before and i denied it.
I've made a new friend who shall go by the name phil. We get along really well and have big long conversations on msn. It's just easy to chat to him, he's around my age and goes tothe same uni as me. I think i'm meeting him friday. We've kinda planned an epic day of epicness so i'll let you know how it goes. He also wants to take me to the beat sometime. I've never been before so it should be interesting. (the beat is like the main gay club in brisbane)
Work is boring and really busy.
So thats my life at the moment. I'll keep you updated
Friday, January 15, 2010
Give me an oscar already
So i pulled a sickie at work again yesterday and finished at 11:30. My performance (title reference :P) must have been better than i thought because i even had the production manager and owner convinced. I'm pretty sure i'll stick out a full day today though.
I've still been thinking about coming out a lot. I've decided that sometime soon i'm just going to ring my mum and tell her that i'm gay. Then she can tell my dad. I dont think i will tell my 2 little brothers either. I dont think they're mature enough yet. Also i have no idea how/when to come out to my friends. The thing is i guess i dont really have any super close friends. I also have different groups of friends. I have my uni friends, Who i dont think i'll ever tell. I know them and they're nice but i dont think they'll accept it. the thing is i see them everyday so :$. I also have my friends from high school. i dont see them as often as i'd like but there are a few of them down here. I'd really like to tell my friend james first. I'm probably closest to him but i dont know how he'll take it. Well i have ideas and i'm pretty sure he'll start by saying WTF?!. I also have my gay friends who i've met through manhunt so i dont need to tall them. Anyways, i'll keep you updated.
i wanked three times yesterday but i think thats acceptable because i was super horny. i'm not going to say where stuff went but it was very messy.
I'm pretty sure i'm going to see my boyfriend this weekend. He seems really up for it and my house is going to be empty all weekend (thank you Big Day Out). I told him to let me know when he's available and we'll do whatever he wants to do. i also told him that if he comes over he should bring his speedos so we can relax in our kiddies pool (i also want to see him in speedo's *blush*).
i also want to give a big shoutout to Aaron from beautifool chaos. He's not blogging at the moment but he's still around. When i started blogging i certainly didn't expect to find anyone else in brissie. Well i've been chatting to Aaron a bit and it turns out he works at the uni i attend. he's pretty nice too. I suggest you go read all his old posts. He mentioned the other night that he might come back to blogging so keep an eye out for him. Also he found me on an internet "dating" site the other night but i didn't know it was him. I wont tell you what his user name is but i will tell you that he has some nice pictures. From what i've seen.
Also, I've been trying to help out my friend bronco. He's been having some guy troubles lately so i've been trying to keep him in a good mood. I told him that i used to have a little crush on him and he said he used to have a little crush on me. This took me by suprise because i never thought he was interested. What can i say, i'm bad at reading signals. Anyways, i still kinda have a little crush on him though i like sexy abs much much more.
Well thats what has been happening. Sorry its a bit all over the shop.
P.S. I have slept a little better lately. I have the fan beside my bed on full bore and i might have slept naked once or twice (thanks Dzyan ;) ). Anyways. That's me
I've still been thinking about coming out a lot. I've decided that sometime soon i'm just going to ring my mum and tell her that i'm gay. Then she can tell my dad. I dont think i will tell my 2 little brothers either. I dont think they're mature enough yet. Also i have no idea how/when to come out to my friends. The thing is i guess i dont really have any super close friends. I also have different groups of friends. I have my uni friends, Who i dont think i'll ever tell. I know them and they're nice but i dont think they'll accept it. the thing is i see them everyday so :$. I also have my friends from high school. i dont see them as often as i'd like but there are a few of them down here. I'd really like to tell my friend james first. I'm probably closest to him but i dont know how he'll take it. Well i have ideas and i'm pretty sure he'll start by saying WTF?!. I also have my gay friends who i've met through manhunt so i dont need to tall them. Anyways, i'll keep you updated.
i wanked three times yesterday but i think thats acceptable because i was super horny. i'm not going to say where stuff went but it was very messy.
I'm pretty sure i'm going to see my boyfriend this weekend. He seems really up for it and my house is going to be empty all weekend (thank you Big Day Out). I told him to let me know when he's available and we'll do whatever he wants to do. i also told him that if he comes over he should bring his speedos so we can relax in our kiddies pool (i also want to see him in speedo's *blush*).
i also want to give a big shoutout to Aaron from beautifool chaos. He's not blogging at the moment but he's still around. When i started blogging i certainly didn't expect to find anyone else in brissie. Well i've been chatting to Aaron a bit and it turns out he works at the uni i attend. he's pretty nice too. I suggest you go read all his old posts. He mentioned the other night that he might come back to blogging so keep an eye out for him. Also he found me on an internet "dating" site the other night but i didn't know it was him. I wont tell you what his user name is but i will tell you that he has some nice pictures. From what i've seen.
Also, I've been trying to help out my friend bronco. He's been having some guy troubles lately so i've been trying to keep him in a good mood. I told him that i used to have a little crush on him and he said he used to have a little crush on me. This took me by suprise because i never thought he was interested. What can i say, i'm bad at reading signals. Anyways, i still kinda have a little crush on him though i like sexy abs much much more.
Well thats what has been happening. Sorry its a bit all over the shop.
P.S. I have slept a little better lately. I have the fan beside my bed on full bore and i might have slept naked once or twice (thanks Dzyan ;) ). Anyways. That's me
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Coming Out
So i've been thinking about coming out a lot lately. I thought about coming out at work today. I was thinking about coming out in the shower the other morning (what would happen i mean, not coming out while i was in the shower). I thought about it before i went to sleep the other night. So i've been thinking about it a lot and i though i'd do the story so far.
So currently only a few people i care about know i like guys. So friends i've made off the internet know, obviously, and my older brother who i live with knows (and his girlfriend but i dont really count her). And this is how i came out to my brother.
So i came home one day in late november. I think I was coming home from uni and it was kinda late (during final exams). Well I walked into the loungeroom and my brother was using my computer (which he does a lot and it annoys me immensly). Well i walked in and i knew straight away it was going to happen. I dont know how i just did. So he was on my computer getting photos for his 21st. And I had certain pictures on there so i tried to get him off there but i still knew it was going to happen. So things were normal for a while. We ate dinner and had a chat and what not. Then after dinner he came out of the kitchen and he's like I want to talk to you about something. He said he wanted me to tell the truth and be myself. He had brought up my sexuality before when he found a rather homoerotic video on my computer. I denied it and blamed it on a computer virus that downloaded random files. I dont think he believed me.
Anyway, He brought the topic up but i dont remember everything that was said. I remember the main points. He said i was still his brother no matter what and he'd support me. I wasn't really expecting this because i know my brother. He can be rascist and bigotted and pretty mean (not my ideal choice as the first person to come out to). He also said to be careful cause you have a higher chance of getting STI's if you have anal sex (i dont know if this is actually true but i just went along with it and told him i alway use a condom). I told him i was a bisexual. He ased questions about how long it had been happening and if it was just happening because i was 19 and still a virgin (i actually lost my virginity at 17 but he doesn't know that). I told him some half truths, to kind of ease him into it i guess. Ummm. I'm really having a hard time remembering what we talked about. I know i was chatting to a guy on facebook while this was happening. We'd been on a couple of dates then he broke it off then he told me he still liked me.
Back to my story. I told him i was bi. And he asked me if i was just saying that cause i was to scared to say i was gay. Which i kinda was but i was still confused (i dont know how kids can be so sure of themselves at like 13 :$). I said i still thought about girls. Which i do sometimes but its kinda rare. He was like OK you're bi but eventually you're going to have to choose if you're gay or straight. Being bi is fine while you're young but you'll have to choose. I was like i'm pretty sure being bi isn't like that but i will at some point end up in a homosexual or heterosexual relationship but i can still be bi. I can't really remember anything else but i do remember one of the last things he said to me was i need to respect myself. He said he'd seen things he probably shouldn't have seen (pictures of me in minimal or no clothing) and it was probably his fault (it was. I've told him a million times to use his computer or buy a new one if his doesn't work) but i need to respect myself.
And thats pretty much my only coming out story so far. I kinda listened to him and deleted my pictures off the internet (though i know they're still out there in some form. I was smart enough not to show my face) and deleted my xtube account (yes i had one. It was my first real foray into the gay world and it gave me some self confidence. Good comments can do that) and yeah. He asked me if i wanted to tell his girlfriend or if he should do it. And i was like can we just wait a while you're the first person i've told and he was like no i made her talk to her parents about her sister so i'm going to tell her. And i was like fine you can tell her i'm going to bed.
My sexuality hasn't been mentioned since though my brothers girlfriend did tell me that if i wanted to talk she was there. She was pretty drunk and also said i could punch her in the face so i'm not sure if she meant it. In any case we haven't talked about it.
About a fortnight after that i went to visit my sister on the sunshine coast for a couple of days. I had decided i was going to tell her and i had it all planned out in my head. I was going to wait till just before i left then i was going to say i liked guys. I thought about it so much and i knew it was coming up and i was so nervous, i kept on going to the toilet. I kept on thinking different scenarios over in my head then when it came time to leave i couldn't do it. I just could bring myself to say that i had something to tell her. That i liked guys. I dont know what it was but i just got back in my car and drove back to brissie. I kinda felt ashamed of myself for not telling her but i just couldn't do it.
Well that's the story so far. Sorry if it's a bit all over the place but it was kinda hard for me to write it. I'll keep you updated.
So currently only a few people i care about know i like guys. So friends i've made off the internet know, obviously, and my older brother who i live with knows (and his girlfriend but i dont really count her). And this is how i came out to my brother.
So i came home one day in late november. I think I was coming home from uni and it was kinda late (during final exams). Well I walked into the loungeroom and my brother was using my computer (which he does a lot and it annoys me immensly). Well i walked in and i knew straight away it was going to happen. I dont know how i just did. So he was on my computer getting photos for his 21st. And I had certain pictures on there so i tried to get him off there but i still knew it was going to happen. So things were normal for a while. We ate dinner and had a chat and what not. Then after dinner he came out of the kitchen and he's like I want to talk to you about something. He said he wanted me to tell the truth and be myself. He had brought up my sexuality before when he found a rather homoerotic video on my computer. I denied it and blamed it on a computer virus that downloaded random files. I dont think he believed me.
Anyway, He brought the topic up but i dont remember everything that was said. I remember the main points. He said i was still his brother no matter what and he'd support me. I wasn't really expecting this because i know my brother. He can be rascist and bigotted and pretty mean (not my ideal choice as the first person to come out to). He also said to be careful cause you have a higher chance of getting STI's if you have anal sex (i dont know if this is actually true but i just went along with it and told him i alway use a condom). I told him i was a bisexual. He ased questions about how long it had been happening and if it was just happening because i was 19 and still a virgin (i actually lost my virginity at 17 but he doesn't know that). I told him some half truths, to kind of ease him into it i guess. Ummm. I'm really having a hard time remembering what we talked about. I know i was chatting to a guy on facebook while this was happening. We'd been on a couple of dates then he broke it off then he told me he still liked me.
Back to my story. I told him i was bi. And he asked me if i was just saying that cause i was to scared to say i was gay. Which i kinda was but i was still confused (i dont know how kids can be so sure of themselves at like 13 :$). I said i still thought about girls. Which i do sometimes but its kinda rare. He was like OK you're bi but eventually you're going to have to choose if you're gay or straight. Being bi is fine while you're young but you'll have to choose. I was like i'm pretty sure being bi isn't like that but i will at some point end up in a homosexual or heterosexual relationship but i can still be bi. I can't really remember anything else but i do remember one of the last things he said to me was i need to respect myself. He said he'd seen things he probably shouldn't have seen (pictures of me in minimal or no clothing) and it was probably his fault (it was. I've told him a million times to use his computer or buy a new one if his doesn't work) but i need to respect myself.
And thats pretty much my only coming out story so far. I kinda listened to him and deleted my pictures off the internet (though i know they're still out there in some form. I was smart enough not to show my face) and deleted my xtube account (yes i had one. It was my first real foray into the gay world and it gave me some self confidence. Good comments can do that) and yeah. He asked me if i wanted to tell his girlfriend or if he should do it. And i was like can we just wait a while you're the first person i've told and he was like no i made her talk to her parents about her sister so i'm going to tell her. And i was like fine you can tell her i'm going to bed.
My sexuality hasn't been mentioned since though my brothers girlfriend did tell me that if i wanted to talk she was there. She was pretty drunk and also said i could punch her in the face so i'm not sure if she meant it. In any case we haven't talked about it.
About a fortnight after that i went to visit my sister on the sunshine coast for a couple of days. I had decided i was going to tell her and i had it all planned out in my head. I was going to wait till just before i left then i was going to say i liked guys. I thought about it so much and i knew it was coming up and i was so nervous, i kept on going to the toilet. I kept on thinking different scenarios over in my head then when it came time to leave i couldn't do it. I just could bring myself to say that i had something to tell her. That i liked guys. I dont know what it was but i just got back in my car and drove back to brissie. I kinda felt ashamed of myself for not telling her but i just couldn't do it.
Well that's the story so far. Sorry if it's a bit all over the place but it was kinda hard for me to write it. I'll keep you updated.
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