I'd totally do Jessica Biel

I figured you guys deserved a proper update from me instead of my tweets about masterchef and my terrible story writing. I have 41 followers now which is good. Thanks to all of you. Here's whats been happening.

So i got my results from the past semester and i did so badly that i got an academic warning. That pretty much means that if i dont improve this coming semester i'll get kicked out of uni. Not exactly the best feeling in the world. Due to the results and the fact that i've been losing interest in my courses i have changed majors. I am now doing mining engineering which i'm hoping will go better. It is more assignment based than exam based which will be good for me. I also considered changing to a bachelor of reginal and town planning but i didnt get a chance to speak to the course advisor (yet) and i'm not sure if i'll be able to change mid-year. Also the fact that my GPA is abysmal probably wouldnt help either. I had my special exam today which i failed massively. I had sort of given up on it because i'm changing majors and the actual content wasnt really appealing (i know its bad and i should have tried harder). I've decided to put this past semester behind and just try and move on and make sure i pass everything this coming semester. I really dont want to get kicked out of uni.

So a couple of weeks ago I had to pick up my sister and her bf from the airport and take them back to their place on the sunny coast. Then i drove back to the farm and stayed with my family for a couple of days. It was good to be back on the farm. There's something comforting about it. The thing i miss most about the farm is the pot belly stove and also i kinda miss the shower (I realise how silly this sounds). I mucked around with my two little brothers and i went and saw The A-Team with some friends i hadnt seen in a while and it was mostly good. However, if i have to hear my mother say given the lifestyle you're leading once more time . Actually the one that really annoys me is when she asks if i'm "seeing someone". There's just something about the way she says it that's annoying. So i had a little disagreement with my mother towards the end of my stay. And they've sort of conitinued on and off for the past week or so. Back to the A-Team, I'd totally do jessica biel. Just thought you should know.

Now if you've looked at my twitter you will know that i've been on 2 dates lately, with the same guy. We have tentative plans for another one tomorrow night. I'm not sure if i should call them dates though. I'm really bad at this stuff and i'm already getting nervous about tomorrow and i dont even know if it's definitely happening. I'm not sure if this guy likes me and here's why. He's not online much which i'm alright with but he doesnt really text me either. He'll respond to my texts but i havent really got an out of the blue text from him. And i dont want to text him to much incase i annoy him or he doesnt like me. I should however say that when he replies to my texts he's really nice. I asked him out last saturday (it was very short notice) and he said he would've loved to but he was meeting friends. So i'm not really sure if he likes me. I think i'm convincing myself that he doesnt like me so i wont be so hurt if it turns out that way. I guess i'll have to wait till tomorrow night and see. On our second date we went to the movies and i was too nervous to even hold his hand, that's how bad i am at this stuff. I cant read signals and stuff. I need to be more confident, easier said than done.

So my last two post have been that story. I got 3 positive comments on the first part and 1 positive comment on the second part so if that continues i'll get 1 negative comment on the third part. I'm not really sure when i'll get the third part done cause i'm sort of writing it as i go, off the cuff. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions i'd welcome them. You'll probably get part three sometime before the end of the week seeing as next week i start back up at uni. I really need to get a job this semester too. i'd love to work at a cinema or something. Just as long as its not in the hospitality/food industry. I've done enough of that already.

At the moment i'm trying to see how long i can go without masturbating. I was meant to start yesterday but that didnt really pan out for me. Now the reason i'm doing this is because i masturbate too much. Also someone told me that if you cum in the same way too much then you wont be able to cum in other ways. Now i'm not sure how true this is but i'm willing to give it a go. So today is day one of my no masturbating challenge. I'm hoping to make it to the weekend at the least. I'm not sure how, or what i'll do with all my extra time so if someone wants to give me some ideas.

I got some cheap canvases this arvo and did some painting. It was fun, even if my painting looked better in my imagination. It's not finished yet and i'm not sure what to do with it. It looks alright from a distance but if you're too close it looks kind of crappy. Its a bit of a landscape but i dont think the colours are quite right. Maybe i'll put a picture of it up at some point. Its in my room at the moment cause i dont want my brother to see it, or his gf.

I'm sure lots of other things have happened but thats all i can think of at the moment. Hope you're all alright.

I am empty

I am empty. That's me right now. Empty. I have no passion or desire or drive. I'm just empty. I have no idea what i want to do or be in life. I just dont know. I had my exam today and i was actually dreading the phone call from my mum because i knew i'd have to talk about it and i know i did badly. Its going to take a miracle for me to pass, and i've already failed this subject once. I've done nearly two and a half years of engineering and i dont even know if its what i want to do. I dont know what i want to do. I have no idea what i want my career to be. I'm just sitting here, hoping that something will happen, or somemone will say something and i'll be like "YES!! i know what i want to do now".I dont care how i do on my other exams, i really dont give a shit. I've given up.
I hate it when i have times of self doubt because i think about everything that i would change if i could. I've had a great life, dont get me wrong, but i wish i had grown up in town instead of on the farm. It would have made things easier. I could have just hung out with friends without all the planning. I could have made friends easier and been more social. I wish i had come out earlier. Accepted myself earlier and not denied it for so long. Maybe i'd have more friends if i had. I wish i hadnt started my sexual experiences in the way i did. In fact i cant think of any "relationship" stuff i'd keep if i had the opportunity. I feel like i'm missing out on something by not living at a college. Or closer to campus. I feel like i'm missing out on the social side to uni. I feel like i'm missing out because i've only ever lived with my family. I've never had that experience of living with friends and just doing random stuff because you can. I'm not really a spontaneous person. I just wish i was more fun and interesting. Like when we use to do those warm fuzzy comments i always use to get the shit ones like "good at maths" (guess thats kind of why i went into engineering) or "red hair". These non-comments that dont actually mean anything. Even my "friends" wouldnt write overly great comments. one of them wrote "my friend in maths B & C". Thats the only nice thing he could think of from the entire time we knew each other.
Even now my "friends" dont know about me. me and my friends at uni mainly talk about uni. There's nothing really social to it. and i'm probably going to change degrees at some point, maybe next semester so i'll probably never speak to them again.

I just wish i knew what i wanted to be, or what i want to do in life. I just have no passion for anything. I want something that i am passionate about. Something that's challenging and fulfilling. I want that. I just wish i knew where to find it.

Rambling Romantic Rooster

So it's been about a week since i posted and it's been a bit of a rollercoaster for me. I'll try to tell you everything that's been happening so i might ramble a bit in this post.

So last saturday i went out clubbing with some friends and some people i kinda know but not really. It was the first time i had seen james since my coming out to him. So i went over to this girls (friend of a friend) house for pre-drinks with everyone. After a while we caught a cab into the valley and we went to The Family. It was my first time going there and i was suprised i got in. It's a pretty nice club but it was kinda dead. I managed to dance up a bit of a storm, badly, but it was fun. After a while we left and went to possibly the best club in the entire of brisbane, The Embassy. Ok so that last thing was a personal opinion but it is a favourite of me and my friends and we usually end up in there at some point of the night if we go out clubbing, even if we dont plan to or say we wont. Also when i use to go out on friday night they had $10 jugs of cocktails which probably explains my fondness for a fruit tingle. Also i love fruit tingles (the fizzy lollies). WOW. So i got a bit sidetracked there but to cut a long story short i went out, had a good time and my sexuality wasnt mentioned once and james seemed fine with me.

So on sunday i woke up early as usual and kinda lazed around a bit and it was very relaxing. Also i dont really get hangovers so that is good.

So i'm not sure if you know this but i am a hopeless romantic. I am a huge romantic even though i dont really have any romance in my life. If you've been reading dans blog (Daily Dan, there should be a link on the side) lately you'll know what i mean when i say i wish something like that would happen to me. It just sounds so great and amazing and i wish him all the best. Also i saw this video on sunday afternoon i think and i thought it was so sweet and it made me well up a little and i wish something like this would happen to me.



Now i have to admit that i dont watch ugly betty. Actually i dont even know if they show it on tv anymore. They use to show it on channel 7 but i havent heard about it for a while.

Anyway, at the start of the week i was feeling depressed. It sounds so silly now. I was having problems with my mum again which seem to have cooled off for now but we'll see. Also i was having a bit of trouble with being single. I know it's stupid but i just want someone to want to be with me. Not just for sex and that. I just want some guy to wrap his arms around me and hold me and want me for me. I know it sounds corny but i've never really had that. I dont need a boyfriend but i think it would be nice.

So i've had uni this week and a fair few assignments and want not. And i've got exams coming up. At least i dont have to worry about work now. so normally i would have worked tuesday afternoon but seeing as i quit i had it off. Lately i have been thinking about going to the queer room at uni (it's actually called the queer room). Anyway, it's just a room for gay, lesbian , bi, trans, etc, etc students
and i think it's where the gay support group meets (or whatever they're called). So i decided that i would go and have a look on tuesday. I was so nervous it felt like my first time going gay clubbing all over again (my heart was beating so fast and that was just at the thought of going). So i walked up the stairs to the room. And i got to the top. And i turned around and walked back down. I chickened out and walked back down the stairs. It was just a room and i couldnt even go in. so i went back to the enginnering library and sat on the gound and hid in my little corner. I just couldnt do it.

Hmmmmm. What else has been happening.
I went to the indian returant down the road with my older brother and his gf the other night. It was my first time there and it tasted really good. However, i dont think i'll be eating indian again. Lets just say i dont think my toilet would appreciate it.

I got a nice message from james the other night saying it was good to see me on the weekend. I'll probably see him at some point this weekend.

My league team lost tonight which sucked but they're still towards the top of the ladder. They've won 4 out of the 6 games this season so hopefully they can keep it up and make the finals. At least they're doing better than the other queensland teams.

A big shout out to princess cause he's awesome.

I heard this song on the radio for the first time in a whil the other day and i remembered how much i liked it, actually how much i like most of her songs. Give it a listen. I think it's pretty good.


Actually i've been hearing a lot of good music lately so i might need to do another music post. Yves Klein Blue, Temper Trap, Bluejuice, Art vs Science and as much as i dont want to admit it i kinda like the new brian mcfadden song.

Anyway that's about it. Long and rambling as promised. I hope it makes sense. If you have any questions dont be afraid to ask, i wont bite. So leave a comment or ask a question on my formspring page (if you wish to be anonomous(link to the side)). Hope you're all well.

P.S. I just remembered DJ spoke to me briefly this morning. it was the first time we talked in months and it was brief and awkward. I dont think i have any feelings for him what so ever.

ALSO: lots of love to charlie cause he really is amazing and he was there for me this week when i was down and he helped me so thank you.

Watertight?

So i am now back at uni. 2 Days in and i'm already a tad annoyed. Anyways, this is just going to be a post full of random things that have been happening.

~I woke up at 7 this morning which means i slept in. OK, so i know it doesnt sound like much but i never sleep in. Like ever. I did actually wake up at 5.30 but i went back to sleep which doesnt usually happen so yay for me.

~I finally put some songs on my mp3. I havent downloaded any off the net yet but it does have some songs on it. This is the first song that went on there and i love it.


~I've decided i'm going to be less of a slut and focus on uni more.

~I was a bit depressed on the weekend due to the fact i have no friends. Well no close friends. I'm over it now but it's still kinda there in the back.

~I'm loving all the rain at the moment

~Me and my uni friends have decided we're going to try and go to the uni pub once a week. Which should be good. We're also trying to organise a social sporting team. For some reason we are talking about water polo. I'm not too keen on water polo because i know i'd suck and i assume i'd have to wear a speedo and i dont think anyone wants to see that. I think it keeps coming up because it's the cheapest of the options. Personally i want to do european handball but i dont think we'll get organised and do any sport.

~Work is alright. I'm working much less now that uni has started which is good. The title comes from something we were talking about at work. It's a bit rude/sexual if you dont get it.

Thanks for reading my random crap. As always comments are welcome.

Men and friends and valentines

I have never had a valentine. Its true. I'm 19 years old and i've never even recieved a mystery card. This year i will be spending valentines day with the family. I'm going back to see them for the first time since i came out. So i'm kinda nervous and i dont know what will happen. I'm hoping nothing because both my little brothers will be there and neither of them know. But i do know that i wont be staying up late to watch tv because then i will have to talk to my mum, and yeah.

I also went out last night with friends from uni. It was good to see them again and i had fun. We went to the fox for a couple of drinks then we went to the down under club in the city. It was just nice to spend time with them socially and talk about crap and feel like one of the group. However, i wont be coming out to them any time soon. In reality i probably wont come out to them ever. They're nice people but i dont want to spend the rest of my uni years alone. I dont think they'd take it well.

Work has been so dead lately. We have pretty much nothing to do which means crap jobs like cleaning for me. But we always have really great discussions at work about lots of different random things such as horses, gambling, sport, politics, religion, sex and the law. The other day we were talking about prince charming syndrome. One of the girls at work suffers from prince charming syndrome. She's old fashioned and she expects some rich, handsome guy to come and sweep her off her feet. Its just not going to happen. This lead on to us talking about marriage. Now this really got me thinking. I mean will i ever find a guy that loves me and wants to be with me forever? Would we even be able to get married? Do i even want to get married? What would our wedding look like? Does one of us have to wear white? Work was boring so my mind just kept wandering. I've never really thought about marriage before, I mean i dont even know if it will happen. I need to meet a guy first i guess.
P.S. I dont suffer from prince charming syndrome. Its called being realistic.

Lately i've been talking to more guys than i usually do. Some of them are really nice, including the guy with the eyes, some of them are just after action. I dont see it happeing soon but i'd really love a boyfriend. Someone to snuggle with and keep me company, not just sex. One guy seemed quite intereste in me but i dont think the feeling is mutual. He seemed very stereotypically gay. Which i dont really go for. I guess i should talk to him more though.

Also a big thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. If you havent left a comment but have some advice go back and leave a comment. Lets face it, i need all the help i can get.

Thats all :P (sorry it was a bit all over the place)

Give me an oscar already

So i pulled a sickie at work again yesterday and finished at 11:30. My performance (title reference :P) must have been better than i thought because i even had the production manager and owner convinced. I'm pretty sure i'll stick out a full day today though.

I've still been thinking about coming out a lot. I've decided that sometime soon i'm just going to ring my mum and tell her that i'm gay. Then she can tell my dad. I dont think i will tell my 2 little brothers either. I dont think they're mature enough yet. Also i have no idea how/when to come out to my friends. The thing is i guess i dont really have any super close friends. I also have different groups of friends. I have my uni friends, Who i dont think i'll ever tell. I know them and they're nice but i dont think they'll accept it. the thing is i see them everyday so :$. I also have my friends from high school. i dont see them as often as i'd like but there are a few of them down here. I'd really like to tell my friend james first. I'm probably closest to him but i dont know how he'll take it. Well i have ideas and i'm pretty sure he'll start by saying WTF?!. I also have my gay friends who i've met through manhunt so i dont need to tall them. Anyways, i'll keep you updated.

i wanked three times yesterday but i think thats acceptable because i was super horny. i'm not going to say where stuff went but it was very messy.

I'm pretty sure i'm going to see my boyfriend this weekend. He seems really up for it and my house is going to be empty all weekend (thank you Big Day Out). I told him to let me know when he's available and we'll do whatever he wants to do. i also told him that if he comes over he should bring his speedos so we can relax in our kiddies pool (i also want to see him in speedo's *blush*).

i also want to give a big shoutout to Aaron from beautifool chaos. He's not blogging at the moment but he's still around. When i started blogging i certainly didn't expect to find anyone else in brissie. Well i've been chatting to Aaron a bit and it turns out he works at the uni i attend. he's pretty nice too. I suggest you go read all his old posts. He mentioned the other night that he might come back to blogging so keep an eye out for him. Also he found me on an internet "dating" site the other night but i didn't know it was him. I wont tell you what his user name is but i will tell you that he has some nice pictures. From what i've seen.

Also, I've been trying to help out my friend bronco. He's been having some guy troubles lately so i've been trying to keep him in a good mood. I told him that i used to have a little crush on him and he said he used to have a little crush on me. This took me by suprise because i never thought he was interested. What can i say, i'm bad at reading signals. Anyways, i still kinda have a little crush on him though i like sexy abs much much more.

Well thats what has been happening. Sorry its a bit all over the shop.

P.S. I have slept a little better lately. I have the fan beside my bed on full bore and i might have slept naked once or twice (thanks Dzyan ;) ). Anyways. That's me

I forgot a title

So i woke up really early again and tossed and turned in bed for about an hour before actually doing anything. I faked sick at work today and got home at about 1.30pm. I really just didn't feel like working. Anyway, I'm getting kinda excited because i might be seeing my boyfriend this weekend. I haven't seen him since the 20th of december so it's been nearly a month. I can't wait. i just want to hold him in my arms and spend time with him. Our relationship has been pretty tame to this point as we haven't really done much. Probably due to a lack of opportunity and place. Anyways i'm really hoping that everything comes together and i'll see him and his sexy abs.

In other news we're back to the summer weather in brissie. The flies are out in full force and it is meant to be above 30 degrees celcius all week. I dont mind it now but if it gets up to above 35 i will not be happy. I kinda wish i had a pool right now.

Last one i promise

So a big thanks to all 12 of my followers. Yay for double digits. It's good to know that some people have stumbled across my blog and had a read (I hope none of them know me. That could be awkward).

Anyway, I've realised that it is probably boring to read about my shitty days at work so i wont be writing about work anymore unless something particularly interesting happens, or you ask me too. But I just want to tell you about what happened at work today. I was called a faggot. Now no one at work knows i like guys. And i know that it wasn't meant to be hurtful. It was a joke but it just sounded so harsh when he said it. I guess i'll just add it to the list of things i've been called at work which currently includes, bitch, snatch, vadge, cunt, and a cantonese word that i can never remember let alone spell (i'm pretty sure it stands for tranny though). Now i know these things may sound a bit harsh but they were all said in good fun, in a joking manner. I've said much of the same things back to my friend that works there. However, this was said by a different guy and it didn't sound quite right. But enough of my bitching.

So that will be my last post about work unless something comes up

My downfall and my day

I have lots to talk about but i first i'd like to thank all my new followers and people that have left comments for me. It's a good feeling knowing that someone is reading this. And there are even some aussies which makes me more excited.

Now to my downfall. In my last post i said i was going to try and stop wanking so much. That isn't exactly happening. I've already done it three times today and it's only 4.30pm. Keep in mind i worked from 8am this morning as well. I hardly wanked at all when i went to visit my family for christmas. I've decided that the problem is i have too much time on my hands and the internet. When i went to visit my family i didn't really have any opportunities to wank. It's not really possible when you have a house full of people. Also, my parents can't get the internet which means no instant inspiration. I dont know, I guess i'll just have to try harder not to wank. If that makes sense.

In other news, I finished work a bit early today which was good. But i also kinda got in trouble but i dont give a shit because the guy was stupid and i dont work in his section. Someone asked what i do in one of the comments so i guess i better tell you. I work in a food proceesing plant that makes food for coffee shops all over australia. It's minimum wage and kinda crappy but they're pretty flexible around my uni hours. And i get free lunch everyday which is always a positive.

I got lots of other stuff to write about but i also have real world stuff to do. I'll probably do another post later. Thanks for reading

OMG I just remembered that i saw the hottest guy at work today. He doesn't work for us because no one hot works for us (i'm pretty sure he works next door). I was in the lunchroom when he came in to use the drinks machine. He was very fuckable. Tall, cute, dark hair (there was something about his hair. I dont know what it was but it did it for me), great eyes and a great smile. Oh, and a piercing in his bottom lip. Like over to the side. He would have been early to mid twenties and very hot. And another thing i am the youngest at work by about a decade and you should here how dirty all the other people there are. There's a group of ladies around their 40's. They're married with kids but they always tell dirty jokes and make lots of innuendo and double entendres. It makes work interesting.

P.S. I hope I see that guy again

Random Picking Up and my boring day

So I thought I should do a proper post instead of just the youtube videos. As i'm writing this i'm talking to my friend bronco (though he doesn't know i'm writing this). Some guy just hit on him in queen street mall the other day and now they have a date for tomorrow night. Can you even imagine that. For starters there is no way i'd be brave enough to talk to a hot, cute stranger while shopping. Also i wouldn't consider myself a great flirter. I dont think i've ever been hit on (well maybe once). It's probably cause i'm not that attractive (and dont listen to sexy abs cause he's biased). I can't even imagine what i would do if it actually happpened. I'd probably be a little freaked out. We're also talking about New Years Eve and the fact i drank a whole bottle of vodka. No hangover, no vomit. I didn't even feel drunk. It was kinda awesome.

Anywho

I had a relatively boring day. I realised this morning that i have to stop wanking so much. I really do it too much and its not good. And i take a while to cum as well so it takes up a fair chunk of my time (and not to mention my internet downloads).
Went to work, wasn't a great day. Though i did learn something new which can't hurt. Came home and made a honey, sesame and garlic stir fry for dinner. It turned out better than i expected. I wouldn't say i am an exceptional cook though i do alright. I can do some things really well, like roast. I make a really good roast dinner. The last one was roast kangaroo or maybe it was roast pork, i can't remember. I can also do a pretty good carbonara and some other stuff. My brother and his girlfriend got me the masterchef cookbook for christmas. Which if you seen it is completely pointless. I dont think i'm ever going to make slow cooked pidgeon or roast half pig head (these are seriously some of the recipes).so i made my stirfry and sat down to watch my one of my favourite shows, How I Met Your Mother. It was a repeat but still a good episode. Thats pretty much my entire day. All in all it's relatively boring (although work had some interesting points, there's so much sexual innuendo it's not funny).

So thanks for reading and i'm sorry for rambling. I always want to do proper grammar and punctuation in these things but I kinda forget about it once i start typing. Like I just did with the capital I in the last sentence. :)



OK so one more video can't hurt. I love HIMYM

Yes!!

So I got two new followers AND my first comments today. Which means that someone has actually read this blog. Yes!! *high five*
Anyone can leave a comment for me or ask me a question and i'll try to give you a good answer. I might even do a whole post about it :P

In other news...
~I started back at work today which was alright. The boss is on holidays so my friend is in charge which is good. It means it's a little more relaxed.

~My brother has decided to stop being so cunty and is moving stuff out of his old bedroom. Its still full of crap but at least it's a start. Probably wont be able to move in till next weekend though. The room is kinda disgusting and needs a good clean.

~Bought season 3 of 30 Rock but i still haven't got round to watching it because my computer is a mega-bitch. I'll watch it eventually. I got soo many DVD's for christmas as well so i guess i should watch them at some point too.

~Didn't get to see sexy abs on sunday which was kinda dissapointing. We were both at the same shopping center except he was shopping with his mum. He's not out so i didn't want to push it. It could have been awkward. We did have a good chat on msn later that night though.

Thats all i can think of for now. thanks for reading

P.S. Go and read the blogs of my two new followers. One of them is even newer than mine