Monday, June 28, 2010

Confused little me

Where to start. I cant remember what my last post was about, or when i actually did it. So here goes.

I have finished all my exams, for now. I missed one of them due to illness so i'm going to sit a special just before next semester starts. I'm feeling better about engineering but i dont know how i've gone on my exams. I'm hoping it's better than expected.
So i had my last exam on friday and i went from the exam room to the uni bar. It was fun until i made a fool of myself on the way home. It wasnt a pretty sight.
My wisdom teeth are still being bitches. I'm going to see the dentist tomorrow to talk about taking them out so we'll see. I cant wait to get them out even if it's going to cost me more money than i have. My tonsilitus is gone now too so thats good.
My mum came and visited the other day and she thinks i'm dying. Apparently i shake too much and i'm too skinny.I lost about 5 kilos lately, probably due to the tonsilitus, So now i weigh about 75-76kg. Just to put that into perspective, I'm 190cm tall or 6ft2.
Now onto the real drama of my life, guys. I suck at everything to do with guys. I wish my feelings could just be clear cut and instantaneous and everything would be simple. So there are 2 guys at the moment and i'm not sure how i feel about them. So the first one shall be known as the italian. He's of italian heritage and he's in his early 20's. He has a very good career and he seems really nice. The second guy shall be known as ... ummm ... the second guy cause i cant think of a name at the moment. So he's just a couple of months older than me. He's still at uni and he's studying to be a teacher. He speaks french and he seems very nice. Are we seeing a pattern here. I dont know how i feel about either of them. They've both shown some interest, the second guy more than the italian. But i have been talking to the italian for longer than the second guy. However we havent talked lately. I just dont know what to do. I havent had any interest in ages and now i get 2 at once. Yeah. Any hints for me would be muchly appreciated. I spoke to the second guy a lot today and he sent me a really wonderful message. So yeah, i'm confused at the moment.

Also you can look at my twitter if you want. There's a thing down the bottom of my blog. It's really just me saying random shit when i'm bored, or watching masterchef. Its really not that interesting but you can have a look if you want.

As always comments, etc, etc
Hope you're well

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I am empty

I am empty. That's me right now. Empty. I have no passion or desire or drive. I'm just empty. I have no idea what i want to do or be in life. I just dont know. I had my exam today and i was actually dreading the phone call from my mum because i knew i'd have to talk about it and i know i did badly. Its going to take a miracle for me to pass, and i've already failed this subject once. I've done nearly two and a half years of engineering and i dont even know if its what i want to do. I dont know what i want to do. I have no idea what i want my career to be. I'm just sitting here, hoping that something will happen, or somemone will say something and i'll be like "YES!! i know what i want to do now".I dont care how i do on my other exams, i really dont give a shit. I've given up.
I hate it when i have times of self doubt because i think about everything that i would change if i could. I've had a great life, dont get me wrong, but i wish i had grown up in town instead of on the farm. It would have made things easier. I could have just hung out with friends without all the planning. I could have made friends easier and been more social. I wish i had come out earlier. Accepted myself earlier and not denied it for so long. Maybe i'd have more friends if i had. I wish i hadnt started my sexual experiences in the way i did. In fact i cant think of any "relationship" stuff i'd keep if i had the opportunity. I feel like i'm missing out on something by not living at a college. Or closer to campus. I feel like i'm missing out on the social side to uni. I feel like i'm missing out because i've only ever lived with my family. I've never had that experience of living with friends and just doing random stuff because you can. I'm not really a spontaneous person. I just wish i was more fun and interesting. Like when we use to do those warm fuzzy comments i always use to get the shit ones like "good at maths" (guess thats kind of why i went into engineering) or "red hair". These non-comments that dont actually mean anything. Even my "friends" wouldnt write overly great comments. one of them wrote "my friend in maths B & C". Thats the only nice thing he could think of from the entire time we knew each other.
Even now my "friends" dont know about me. me and my friends at uni mainly talk about uni. There's nothing really social to it. and i'm probably going to change degrees at some point, maybe next semester so i'll probably never speak to them again.

I just wish i knew what i wanted to be, or what i want to do in life. I just have no passion for anything. I want something that i am passionate about. Something that's challenging and fulfilling. I want that. I just wish i knew where to find it.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Sick, Self-Loathing


So i went to the doctor today and i have tonsillitus. I'm also having problems with my wisdom teeth which freaking hurts. I'm hoping the medication for my tonsillitus helps with my wisdom tooth. And i'm hoping i'm all better by my exams. So i'm on medication for my tonsilitus and i'm taking panadol and i'm quickly working my way through throat lozenges. The doctor said i should eat healthy and maybe take some vitamin C. So i'm going to kind of listen to her and drink lots of citrus juice. I'm currently lying in bed with a massive headache so i'm probably going to go pop some more pills. I saw my friends at uni today and mentioned my sore throat. One of them was like "you know what's good for a sore throat, deepthroating" and i was like that's probably what causes it. And my friends laughed, if only they knew the truth. I'm not sure if i'll stay home tomorrow but if i do go to uni i may go a la rachel berry. Me being sick doesnt help with my study either, it hurts when i swallow (I could make jokes here :P)

I would also like to say that i have become self-loathing.
Yes, it's true, I hate my own kind.
Its developed over the past few weeks and i'd like to think it's not without reason. For some reason they just annoy the shit out of me. Yes, over the past few weeks i've developed a severe dislike for redheads. And here's why. There's this girl in one of my classes. She reminds me of princess fiona from shrek, as an ogre. And she comes across a so pretentious. She asks these stupid questions in class and the other week me and my friends were at the refec and she was at a table near us talking on her phone. And her conversation was just so stupid. Amongst other things, she was like, "i'm not feeling well because i didnt have breakfast and i'm pre-menstrual".
Her conversation was loud but it wasnt quiet either. I didnt say anything to my friends cause i wasnt sure if i'd heard correctly. As we were leaving one of my friends brought it up. I was like i didnt say anything because i thought i'd hadn't heard her properly. And why would you say that to someone. Just so stupid.
Also in the same class there was this red haired guy practically dry humping his girlfriend in the row in front of us. And we were sitting pretty close to the front. I'm pretty sure he wasnt even in our class. I just dont get people that do that in lectures.
Also one of the transit officers called me ginger the other day which didnt overly please me.
And a redhead girl in the library gave me a deathstare yesterday for no apparent reason.

So there it is. I have become a self-loathing redhead.

That's all for now, I should probably try and get some rest.

P.S. Welcome back ethan, I hope things start to look up for you.
P.P.S I may or may not have joined twitter in an effort to increase procrastination. I dont think it's as bad as making youtube videos, I've thought about doing that.

Monday, June 7, 2010

My mouth tastes like purple



i'm in full on procrastination mode right now but i've kind of run out of things to do, hence why i'm writing this post. For some reason the internet at uni get slow around lunch time. I'm not sure why but it makes trying to watch youtube annoying. So i've watched some youtube. I've read news stories on the net. I've checked facebook. I've checked my formspring. I've checked my blog stats. I've checked my facebook. I've stalked people on twitter. I've checked my blog stats. I've watched more youtube. Do you see why i'm running out of things to do that doesnt involve study. I am at uni, sitting in the library next to a window. Looking out at the fourth floor of the engineering building. I never see anyone on the fourth floor of the engineering building. I am at uni, because i figure it's better to do nothing at uni than doing nothing at home. I really have no drive to study at the moment. Also my back is killing me and that's not helping at all. Wow, there's someone on the fourth floor of the engineering building. It's a little weird.

I've become a facebook stalker. It's terrible. This is going to sound really bad but i kind of found out the name of the cute guy in my class through facebook. I was very lucky but his profile is on private so i know his name and thats about it. Turns out he went to school with my first "boyfriend" (not sure why i wrote boyfriend like that but i seems appropriate) So i may have somehow bought up cute guy when i was talking to my first bf. He thinks he's gay but he doesnt know for sure. Apparently cute guy plays soccer, hence the well developed legs and the fact that they're shaved. We both agree that he has an amazing arse and my first bf said if i ever get a shot at it i have to let him join in. I believe his exact words were i would love to fuck his arse. He's kinda a slut (hello pot, meet kettle :P).

God my back is killing me.


not sure what i was talking about, or where i was going with this

I was thinking about starting a twitter but i dont know, i already waste enough time. Also i dont have a fancy phone. My phone is pre-paid and cost $59 because i only had $60 in my bank account when i bought it so i dont think you can even connect to the net with it.

uni is so different during SWOTVAC. Even though there are still a fair few people here it's weirdly quiet. Also i went to the lolly shop today and saw the cute guy that works there. They have these awesome sour watermelon things. So good.

Well i've successfully wasted your time and some of mine. If you want to help me procrastinate leave a comment or ask me a question on my formspring page or something. I will get to some study today (eventually). Bonus points if you can tell me where the title comes from.

Friday, June 4, 2010

*Insert theme to Jaws*

I feel like i'm in the middle of the ocean just waiting to drown.

That's what my friend said about exams today and it pretty much sums up how i feel. I've all but resigned myself to failure. I feel like i have to just sit here and wait for my exams to come and there's nothing i can do to stop them, like some deep sea monster coming to eat me. It's been a shitty couple of days and i dont really see it changing. I have so much study to do and it's just not happening like i want it to. My study plan, while good in theory may not be the most practical thing. I feel like i'm banging my head against a wall. Next week is SWOTVAC so i guess i'll be able to catch up a little but i'm going to have to change my approach and i dont see things going well for me. Also i'm finding my brother and his girlfriend so annoying at the moment it's not funny.

I hope you're doing better than me

P.S. Go Sam Stosur
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