An Anniversary

So it's been a year (technically a year was yesterday but I didnt have access to a computer so lets pretend). It has been a year since I started this blog. Originally I started it so I could have somewhere to talk. A place where I could get my feelings off my chest without really having to deal with it. A year later and i'm not sure what to do with this blog at all. I've grown and changed so much in this past year it's not funny. I've asked out guys, I've broken up with guys, I've had my heart broken and I've probably broke hearts. I've changed majors at uni, I've passed courses, I've failed courses and i've been given academic warnings. I've met wonderful people and i've lost wonderful people (if you read this Charlie, i'm still waiting for that email you promised to send me in september. Also, a reply to one of my texts wouldnt go astray). I've come out and I've hidden myself (and if my mother has anything to do with it everyone will know in a few days). I've been shy, I've been outgoing. I've lost confidence and gained confidence and lost it again. I've topped, I've bottomed, I've been caught, I've made mistakes and I have regrets but all in all it has been a very interesting year and I think I am a lot more confident and happier right now than I was last year.

I was going to write a proper recap of everything that has happened to me in the past year but then I realised that I have a blog and if you really want to know what has happened then you can always go back and re-read it (minus the sex. For some reason I never really said anthing about my sex life, which is probably a good thing). There are a little over 100 posts, including my terrible attempt at erotic fiction which probably wont get finished. I've been incredibly slack with posts lately, especially considering how many times I posted on those first couple of days. I'm not sure what i want to do with this blog. I dont want to close it down but at the same time I dont really feel the need to post here either. I think I might just let it sit here. I have twitter which is a bit easier to do, so you can follow me on that. I guess if i want to say something that's too big for twitter i'll write a post. And you never know, the writing bug might strike me again and I can always come back to this blog.

Thank you to everyone that has followed me or commented or done anything vaguely related to this blog over the past year. You're all wonderful. Maybe i'll be back soon

Just a quick update

1. I'm alive
2. Exams are happening at the moment so i'm trying to be a good boy and study
3. As of yesterday I have a bf

I'm Old

I feel like i should write something but at the same time i'm not exactly sure what to write.

I'm no longer a teenager. I know it's a little silly but i feel as if i've wasted my youth. Not that i can really do anything to change that now. My parents got me a new hoodie, some t-shirts, a new wallet, a book called I Kill (which made me realise that i have a disturbing amount of serial killer books) and acne cleanser (obviously from my mother who cares more about how my face looks than i do, so annoying). They also got me a caramel cheesecake as my birthday cake, which was pretty good. I had planned to go to the uni pub after class on tuesday to celebrate my birthday but only one of my friends turned up so i postponed it indefinately. So all in all my birthday was typically boring. I went to uni, I came home, I had some cake and i went to bed.

I also joined gaydar the other day. I have no idea why though, I guess i was bored. I probably had some stupid romantic delusion where i'd meet this wonderful guy on there and we'd fall in love, etc etc. I dont see it happening. Everyone on there seems to have at least a decade on me (which i think is just a little too old for me at the moment).

And that's about it. My life continues down its boring and uneventful path. I'm on a break from uni for the next week but i'm not sure how much holidaying i'll get to do. I'm hoping to catch up on all this uni work.

Why I Hate Student Politics

Anyone that follows me on twitter probably realised how much i got into the recent australian election. However, the same can not be said for student politics. Student union politics has to be the most annoying thing ever. They hassle you for two weeks straight and you dont see them for the rest of the year. Union politics at my uni are full of dirty tricks too. So much so that one party tried not to even have an elction this year. Lately we've been getting fliers from one of the parties which are quite obviously fake. Well i hope people that go to my uni are smart enough to realise that they're fake. Here's the one we got today.

Top reasons to vote CHANGE
Your Active, Progressive Voice

CHANGE Carparks into Greenspace
With pedestrian paths, cycle links and frequent bus services, those who continue to indulgently drive to UQ are sheer environmental vandals who must CHANGE their reckless ways. CHANGE will stop the new multi-level car park and convert existing parking into green space including a communal fruit and vegetable garden. Our riverside campus should be lined by trees, not by cars.

Gender Equality with CHANGE to Female Urinals
Change believes that sexual equality requires women to have the right to pee standing without making contact with the germ-laden surface. To eliminate this patriarchial discrimination CHANGE will install female urinals so that women can equally enjoy "touch-free" urination. Plus the CHANGE to female urinals results in dramatic reductions in water and toilet paper which is good for our environment.

9PM Campus Shutdown and Ban Bundy Rum
Encouraging students to remain on campus after dark when their safety is not guaranteed is irresponsibly exposing women to the risk of sexual assualt. CHANGE will implement a 9pm campus-wide shutdown, including the Red Room, all libraries and all computer labs. CHANGE will take further steps to protect women from aggressive intoxicated yobbo men by banning Bundy Rum from the Red Room and CHANGING to Passion Pop on tap.

Compulsory $250 Union Fee
CHANGE supports the Gillard Government plan to charge all students a compulsory $250 union fee and a CHANGE back to the practice of withholding the results of students who do not pay the $250 fee. This $250 fee will deliver the revenue to required to CHANGE the UQ union into a strong activist and political voice

Now there are two main parties involved in this election. They are CHANGE and FRESH. Now both parties claim to be non political and bipartisan but Fresh is aligned with the liberal party and Change is aligned with the labor party. Fresh is the party currently in charge of the union and i assume that they put out this flyer amongst others i have recieved. Student union politics are completely stupid at my uni, So stupid that they actually have to pay people to vote. Frankly i couldnt care which non-political political party decides which food franchise we get on campus next. I could go on about everything that is wrong with student politics at my uni forever.

People/Things That Annoy Me - Part 2

UQ union elections, 4 ply toilet paper, people that borrow my towel without asking and use it for their new puppy dog, there by ruining my towel which they didnt ask for in the first place GRRRR, People that walk slow or stop on the footpath in front of you. Guys with ambiguous haircuts that make me question their sexuality, People that leave their washing in the machine for days before actually hanging it up, Ore minerology and mine surveying, People that play with the food while i'm trying to cook, Salt and vinegar chips, Being a poor uni student, not being completely out, Not owning any aussieBums, skinny jeans (mainly because i dont think i can wear them), Running out of toilet paper, Fuel prices, Crabby bus drivers, Bogans on trains, My friend for getting me started on this stupid facebook game, Not knowing if that hot guy is gay, My inability to dance, Anyone who uses the toilets in Hawken building (I dont know how engineers are so bad at aiming, it's disgusting), The power cord of my laptop which isnt working properly anymore, xenophobes, being tired, people that dont indicate when they change lanes or are turning, etc

Things/People that annoy me

people that dont close the microwave door after they use it, those two girls in my lectures, redheads (even though i am one), people that buy vitamin water, plastic cheese, people that dont wrap the cheese properly when the put it in the fridge, people that can't grate or cut cheese properly ITS NOT THAT HARD, people that leave their dirty clothes all over MY bathroom floor, uni, lecturers who cancel lectures at short notice, lecturers that suck at teaching, prac reports, people that have three hot meals a day, people that dont take rubbish out, people that leave their dirty clothes all over the house, people that dont pick up dog shit, uni, people that want australia to have a 2 party political system and dont understand the basics of preferential voting, idiots, UQ union elections, dirty perves on msn, no dirty perves on msn when i want there to be, my complete lack of fashion sense, ore minerology, a lack of forks, lines at the refec, food at the refec, people making out in the great court, being single, the air conditioner in this library, hot guys at uni, not finding anything on the internet to help with my prorastination, facebook games, not being able to dance well, acne, bacne, exes who dont seem to understand that they are an ex for a reason, not drinking more often, not being more social, Bob Katter, Tony Abbott, Julia Gillard, bigots, rascists, not knowing the name of that song, etc

Full On

So its been a while. I've decided to take a break from my already stop-start studying to give you a quick update (this is what we call procrastination).

Uni is getting full on. It surprising how it still manages to creep up on you every semester. The first few weeks you ease into things. You're relaxed and you like your courses and everything seems to be going well then BAM! You have 10 assignments due in the next two weeks. So that's a slight exageration but that's sort of what it feels like. I handed in my first proper assignment on friday. It was a prac report and i'm not to sure how i did with it seing as they didnt give us much guidance. I'm hoping i've done well. Tomorrow i have an in class "quiz" worth 15% overall so that's next in line. It's 25 multiple choice questions which hopefully wont be too hard. After i do that i have a group project which i have to get started. My group seems less than enthusiastic as i still havent been able to meet all the members in it so i've sort of just started on my own. It's all been split up and i know what bit i have to do so i'm going to try and do my best on it (with some help from charlie, maybe). I also have another assignment that i got last thursday which seems pretty complicated. It sort of runs on from classes and pracs we've already done so hopefully it wont be as hard as i think. I still havent had a proper look at it and i dont even know when it's due. Also this week i start pracs for another two courses which i will have to write reports for. Do you get what i was saying about it being full on? And i'm only doing 3 courses this semester.

Now if you follow my twitter you'll realise that australia has just had an election and i got kind of into it. This was my first federal election and we ended up with a hung parliment. Which i found exciting. I voted greens in both the houses and even managed to convince my xenophobic, rascist, bigoted, Tony Abbott supporting brother to vote for the greens in the senate. So Queensland got its first greens senator. The seat i live in was one of the queensland ones that stayed with the labor party. There weren't many of them. The Australian political system is much more complicated than the american system, Just incase you were wondering. We have a multi-party system and it all works around preferences. So we dont know who our Prime Minister is yet and it could take a while to work it out.

Other than that i still lead a rather bland existence. I'm still single and to be honest i dont see it changing anytime soon. Then again you never know. If you wish to help me procrastinate some more you can ask me some questions on formspring (link at the side). I like answering questions so give it a go, you never know what you'll learn. And on that note i probably should be getting back to this study. Hope you're all well.

P.S. I'll get back to the story as soon as i can Peter

Part Three

So this is part three, Its probably the worst of the lot so far and actually took quite a while to write, though i'm not sure why. The football i'm talking about in this part is rugby league, just incase you were wondering.
_________________________________

The whistle blew across the playing field, signalling the end of practice. Oliver picked the football up and made his way over to his friends who were already waiting for the coach to speak.
"Alright guys, you did well today. Keep up the good work and i'll see you all in a couple of days"
The coach turned and walked away and the boys started heading off in their different directions. Oliver had made it a few steps towards his car when he got a football to the back of the head. The boys laughed as Oliver turned around.
"I'll give you a 5 second headstart"
The boys laughed again as Matt began running across the field. He had made it almost halfway along the field before Oliver turned to Tom.
"Do you think I should chase him?"
"Nahh," replied Tom ,"He'll come back eventually"
Oliver and Tom laughed and started walking towards their cars.
"You're coming to my shindig on the weekend right?" asked Tom.
"I dont know if i'll be able to," said Oliver ,"I'm pretty sure we're getting a big assignment for physics. So i'll probably have to do that."
"Does that mean you'll be spending more time with that idiot? i dont know why you're even nice to him."
"I assume you mean Alex?"
"yeah, tall cunt. Acts all higher than thou because he thinks he's smarter than us. And lets not forget my arm."
"A couple of things," said Oliver, "One, he's a nice guy. Two, he didnt break you arm. You broke your arm because you're such a stupid bastard. Three, I cant remember what i was ging to say."
Tom laughed.
"Well i'm still blaming him for breaking my arm."
"Alright," said Oliver, "You do that."
Oliver and Tom had walked all the way to their cars. Tom said goodbye before getting in his car and leaving. Oliver unlocked his old red mini and grabbed his bag off the passenger seat. He pulled off his sweaty shirt and pulled on a clean tshirt. It was tight and showed off his pecs. Oliver looked around for people before slipping his football shorts off. He pulled on a clean pair of shorts before anyone saw him in his underwear. Oliver chucked his sweaty clothes in the bag on the passenger seat before getting in his car and leaving.

I'd totally do Jessica Biel

I figured you guys deserved a proper update from me instead of my tweets about masterchef and my terrible story writing. I have 41 followers now which is good. Thanks to all of you. Here's whats been happening.

So i got my results from the past semester and i did so badly that i got an academic warning. That pretty much means that if i dont improve this coming semester i'll get kicked out of uni. Not exactly the best feeling in the world. Due to the results and the fact that i've been losing interest in my courses i have changed majors. I am now doing mining engineering which i'm hoping will go better. It is more assignment based than exam based which will be good for me. I also considered changing to a bachelor of reginal and town planning but i didnt get a chance to speak to the course advisor (yet) and i'm not sure if i'll be able to change mid-year. Also the fact that my GPA is abysmal probably wouldnt help either. I had my special exam today which i failed massively. I had sort of given up on it because i'm changing majors and the actual content wasnt really appealing (i know its bad and i should have tried harder). I've decided to put this past semester behind and just try and move on and make sure i pass everything this coming semester. I really dont want to get kicked out of uni.

So a couple of weeks ago I had to pick up my sister and her bf from the airport and take them back to their place on the sunny coast. Then i drove back to the farm and stayed with my family for a couple of days. It was good to be back on the farm. There's something comforting about it. The thing i miss most about the farm is the pot belly stove and also i kinda miss the shower (I realise how silly this sounds). I mucked around with my two little brothers and i went and saw The A-Team with some friends i hadnt seen in a while and it was mostly good. However, if i have to hear my mother say given the lifestyle you're leading once more time . Actually the one that really annoys me is when she asks if i'm "seeing someone". There's just something about the way she says it that's annoying. So i had a little disagreement with my mother towards the end of my stay. And they've sort of conitinued on and off for the past week or so. Back to the A-Team, I'd totally do jessica biel. Just thought you should know.

Now if you've looked at my twitter you will know that i've been on 2 dates lately, with the same guy. We have tentative plans for another one tomorrow night. I'm not sure if i should call them dates though. I'm really bad at this stuff and i'm already getting nervous about tomorrow and i dont even know if it's definitely happening. I'm not sure if this guy likes me and here's why. He's not online much which i'm alright with but he doesnt really text me either. He'll respond to my texts but i havent really got an out of the blue text from him. And i dont want to text him to much incase i annoy him or he doesnt like me. I should however say that when he replies to my texts he's really nice. I asked him out last saturday (it was very short notice) and he said he would've loved to but he was meeting friends. So i'm not really sure if he likes me. I think i'm convincing myself that he doesnt like me so i wont be so hurt if it turns out that way. I guess i'll have to wait till tomorrow night and see. On our second date we went to the movies and i was too nervous to even hold his hand, that's how bad i am at this stuff. I cant read signals and stuff. I need to be more confident, easier said than done.

So my last two post have been that story. I got 3 positive comments on the first part and 1 positive comment on the second part so if that continues i'll get 1 negative comment on the third part. I'm not really sure when i'll get the third part done cause i'm sort of writing it as i go, off the cuff. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions i'd welcome them. You'll probably get part three sometime before the end of the week seeing as next week i start back up at uni. I really need to get a job this semester too. i'd love to work at a cinema or something. Just as long as its not in the hospitality/food industry. I've done enough of that already.

At the moment i'm trying to see how long i can go without masturbating. I was meant to start yesterday but that didnt really pan out for me. Now the reason i'm doing this is because i masturbate too much. Also someone told me that if you cum in the same way too much then you wont be able to cum in other ways. Now i'm not sure how true this is but i'm willing to give it a go. So today is day one of my no masturbating challenge. I'm hoping to make it to the weekend at the least. I'm not sure how, or what i'll do with all my extra time so if someone wants to give me some ideas.

I got some cheap canvases this arvo and did some painting. It was fun, even if my painting looked better in my imagination. It's not finished yet and i'm not sure what to do with it. It looks alright from a distance but if you're too close it looks kind of crappy. Its a bit of a landscape but i dont think the colours are quite right. Maybe i'll put a picture of it up at some point. Its in my room at the moment cause i dont want my brother to see it, or his gf.

I'm sure lots of other things have happened but thats all i can think of at the moment. Hope you're all alright.

Part Two

I needed a bit of a distraction from the big steaming pile of shit that is my life so you guys get this. Let me know what you think.
_______________________________________________

Oliver turned up to school on monday morning fifteen minutes before the bell rang. He was an extremely popular among both staff and students. His ability to move between the different groups and cliques at the school without trouble got him a lot of respect and made him the well liked boy that he was. People rarely had a bad word to say about him. The girls wanted to be with him and the guys wanted to be friends with him, or be him. Oliver walked through the morning rush at school, greeting staff and students alike. He was tall and well built. Not muscular but toned, with what seemed like perfect skin and hair. He was sporty and it had helped shape his body. Oliver put his bag down and greeted his friends. They were discussing his party from the weekend. Recounting stories of who had hooked up with who and what they'd done. They turned to Oliver and asked him if he'd scored any action.
He offered his usual reply, "A gentleman doesnt kiss and tell."
They pressured him unsuccessfully for the next 5 minutes until the bell rang for the start of class. Oliver's friends dispersed into the crowd, heading towards their various classes. Oliver picked up his books and made his way towards his physics room on the other side of the school.

Alex walked into the noisy classroom and sat beside his friend Emily. He was skinny and deceptively tall, often walking with a slight hunch to hide his height. His wild curly hair had been tamed with water today.
"How was Oliver's party?" asked Em
"Its a pity you couldnt come"
"That bad?"
"It wasnt bad," said Alex, "but you know how those guys can be. And those girls as well."
"Yeah. I heard about Sally this morning. Sleeping with Tom then Luke then Tom again."
"I know. Those two guys are so disgusting too. I tried to stay away from them for most of the night."
"That's understandable. I dont know why Oliver is friends with them."
The second bell rang signalling the start of class. Oliver walked into the room and sat down beside Alex in the back row. He flashed a perfect toothy smile over at Alex and Em. The kind of smile that could melt ice and buckle knees. The elderly physics teacher walked into the room and started teaching without much of a change in the noise level. Emily leaned across the desk to talk to Oliver.
"How'd your party go on saturday?"
"It was good, a pity you couldnt come though."
Oliver was able to flirt with anyone. It was part of the reason he was so popular, he made people feel good.
"How'd you pull up on Sunday?" asked Alex.
Oliver looked towards Alex with a slight smile on his face. His bright green eyes seemed to bore right into the back of Alex's brain.
"I had a bit of a hangover," He said, "but i can remember the whole night."
He flashed another big smile at the two of them and turned towards the front of the class. Alex turned towards the front of the class too. He wondered if Oliver really remembered everything from that night. He didnt mention them talking on the trampoline together. And he didnt say anything about them falling asleep next to each other. Alex was pretty sure they hadnt been spooning when he fell asleep. Oliver probably didnt even realise that they were spooning. He didnt mention it but surely he realised that Alex hadnt been there when he woke up. Alex was still completely lost in his thoughts when the bell rang signalling the end of class. It took a few seconds before he realised he'd daydreamed through the whole class. He picked up his books and followed Em out of the room. Alex turned briefly at the door to see Oliver in a conversation with a couple of other boys. He continued to follow Em outside of the building. She was waiting just outside.
"Are you alright?" she asked
"Yeah, i'm fine. Just thinking about some stuff."
"OK. I guess i'll see you in english this arvo"
Emily walked off towards her bag while Alex walked in another direction.
Alex heard footsteps behind him and turned to see Oliver jogging in his direction.
"Are you alright Alex?"
"yeah, why?"
"Well its just you were gone Sunday morning. And i thought i might have said or done something wrong."
Oliver looked towards his feet then back to Alex then back to his feet. Alex put his hand on Oliver's shoulder.
"Don't worry about it Oliver. I woke up and decided to go home and get some sleep in a real bed"
Alex gave Oliver a light tap in the arm.
"You were a perfect gentleman," he said with a cheeky grin.
A smile broke out onto Olivers face.

Just then they heard a call from across the school yard.
"Oliver," someone in the group of boys shouted, "what are you doing with that idiot? Hurry up"
Oliver turned to Alex and offered a half hearted smile before turning around and making his way to his friends. Alex's eyes followed him for a while before he finally turned around and made his way to his next class.

Part One

This is the first part of a story i decided to write because i wanted to waste some time. I know its not brilliant or anything and i havent really edited it but i'd welcome any comments, ideas, or suggestions you have. Let me know what you think, Thanks

________________________________________________________

She pulled the stereo out at the wall, killing the music.
"It's 1.30, You're either going home or going to sleep," She yelled.
A grumble rose up from the teenagers as the spotlights were going black. Small groups of teenagers began walking down the driveway into the darkness while others made their way to the house. The music briefly started again but the stereo was quickly turned off. Alex chucked one last stick into the bonfire. watching the embers rise up into the black night sky. He stood up from his log, grabbing the can beside him. It was nearly empty. He lifted it to his lips and finished the last of the drink before throwing the empty can into the fire. He zipped his jacket all the way up, trying to keep out the winter air. He started up the path towards the road putting his hands in his pocket as he went. Pretty much everyone had disappeared by now. Alex walked past the house, avoiding shrubs that were scattered around the yard. The cool, crisp air sent a shiver down his spine. The light from the moon provided enough light for Alex to see in the darkness. Ahead of him he could see a boy walking towards the trampoline, carrying blankets and pillows.

Oliver turned around and saw Alex walking towards him. He was hunched over and his hands were pushed as far into his pockets as they could go, trying to find some warmth. Oliver threw the pillows and sleeping bag onto the trampoline and made his was towards Alex. He grabbed Alex's arm.
"Thanks for coming to my party Alex."
"Thanks for inviting me"
Alex started walking down the driveway again but Oliver stood in his way.
"Where are you going?"
"I was just going to walk home, I dont think i should stay the night."
"Dont be silly Alex, you live on the other side of town and it's nearly 2 in the morning."
Oliver grabbed Alex by the arm, pulling him towards the trampoline.
"Stay and have a talk with me, I dont think i'll be able to go to sleep yet."
Alex reluctantly agreed as Oliver jumped onto the trampoline. Oliver unrolled his sleeping bag and slid into it. He grabbed a blanket and chucked it on top of his sleeping bag before propping his head up with pillows.
"get on the trampoline Alex. I wont bite"
Alex smiled as he got on the trampoline. It sagged under his weight as he lay down. Oliver and his sleeping bag slipped towards the middle of the trampoline.
"So you're sleeping out here tonight?"
"Yeah, it's such a nice night," said Oliver, "and Kate and Mark had sex in my bed earlier."
Alex and Oliver burst into laughter.
"we have to be quiet or else my mum will come out and get up us"
Both the boys looked up into the clear night sky. The stars were out in full force. A visible shiver ran down Alex's body. Oliver noticed.
"Shit, you must be freezing. Get under the blankets"
"Don't worry about it"
"Dont be stupid"
Oliver put his hands over Alex's chest, pulling him closer. Alex tried to wriggle away but Oliver wouldn't let him. He threw the blanket on top of Alex then put his body weight onto Alex's stomach so he could unzip his sleeping bag without Alex getting away. Eventually both the boys were next to each other underneat both the blanket and the sleeping bag. Oliver lifted up alex's head and gave him a pillow.
"It wasnt that hard now was it"
"I guess not," replied Alex, "thanks for inviting me to your party tonight. I know your friends dont like me"
"They like you"
"Ahh no," said Alex, "They hate me."
Oliver looked at Alex.
"Well it was my party, and i like you, And i'm glad you came."
Alex smiled, "thanks"
The boys continued to lie next to one another. Their arms ontop of one another so they could both fit on the trampolin and under the blankets.
"So Kate and Mark huh?"
The boys let out a small laugh before continuing their conversation for about another hour before they fell asleep.

Alex woke up at dawn, the sun shining into his eyes. Oliver was spooning him under the blankets. His arm was over the top of Alex's body, holding his hand tight into his chest. Alex wriggled his hand free from Oliver's grasp. He wiped his eyes before slipping out from underneath Olivers arm. He got off the trampoline carefully, trying not to wake his sleeping buddy. Oliver rolled into the middle of the trampoline before turning back over and cuddling a pillow. Alex picked his shoes up from the damp grass and started walking down the driveway.

FML

I figure i should do an update, so here goes.
I got my results back for the past semester and i did terrible. So badly in fact that i got sent an official academic warning saying that if my results dont improve i'll be kicked out. So yay me. I still have one exam to go and i'm pretty sure i'll fail that too which will ,no doubt, make me feel wonderful.
If you've been looking at my twitter you will have noticed that i've been on a couple of dates recently. And i got extremely nervous about both of them. They both seemed to go well (its the one guy). I dont want to say too much yet but its looking good.
Its amazing how quickly you can go from being happy to not happy.

Thanks to the blogs that have linked to me recently. Sorry i couldnt write something better

Confused little me

Where to start. I cant remember what my last post was about, or when i actually did it. So here goes.

I have finished all my exams, for now. I missed one of them due to illness so i'm going to sit a special just before next semester starts. I'm feeling better about engineering but i dont know how i've gone on my exams. I'm hoping it's better than expected.
So i had my last exam on friday and i went from the exam room to the uni bar. It was fun until i made a fool of myself on the way home. It wasnt a pretty sight.
My wisdom teeth are still being bitches. I'm going to see the dentist tomorrow to talk about taking them out so we'll see. I cant wait to get them out even if it's going to cost me more money than i have. My tonsilitus is gone now too so thats good.
My mum came and visited the other day and she thinks i'm dying. Apparently i shake too much and i'm too skinny.I lost about 5 kilos lately, probably due to the tonsilitus, So now i weigh about 75-76kg. Just to put that into perspective, I'm 190cm tall or 6ft2.
Now onto the real drama of my life, guys. I suck at everything to do with guys. I wish my feelings could just be clear cut and instantaneous and everything would be simple. So there are 2 guys at the moment and i'm not sure how i feel about them. So the first one shall be known as the italian. He's of italian heritage and he's in his early 20's. He has a very good career and he seems really nice. The second guy shall be known as ... ummm ... the second guy cause i cant think of a name at the moment. So he's just a couple of months older than me. He's still at uni and he's studying to be a teacher. He speaks french and he seems very nice. Are we seeing a pattern here. I dont know how i feel about either of them. They've both shown some interest, the second guy more than the italian. But i have been talking to the italian for longer than the second guy. However we havent talked lately. I just dont know what to do. I havent had any interest in ages and now i get 2 at once. Yeah. Any hints for me would be muchly appreciated. I spoke to the second guy a lot today and he sent me a really wonderful message. So yeah, i'm confused at the moment.

Also you can look at my twitter if you want. There's a thing down the bottom of my blog. It's really just me saying random shit when i'm bored, or watching masterchef. Its really not that interesting but you can have a look if you want.

As always comments, etc, etc
Hope you're well

I am empty

I am empty. That's me right now. Empty. I have no passion or desire or drive. I'm just empty. I have no idea what i want to do or be in life. I just dont know. I had my exam today and i was actually dreading the phone call from my mum because i knew i'd have to talk about it and i know i did badly. Its going to take a miracle for me to pass, and i've already failed this subject once. I've done nearly two and a half years of engineering and i dont even know if its what i want to do. I dont know what i want to do. I have no idea what i want my career to be. I'm just sitting here, hoping that something will happen, or somemone will say something and i'll be like "YES!! i know what i want to do now".I dont care how i do on my other exams, i really dont give a shit. I've given up.
I hate it when i have times of self doubt because i think about everything that i would change if i could. I've had a great life, dont get me wrong, but i wish i had grown up in town instead of on the farm. It would have made things easier. I could have just hung out with friends without all the planning. I could have made friends easier and been more social. I wish i had come out earlier. Accepted myself earlier and not denied it for so long. Maybe i'd have more friends if i had. I wish i hadnt started my sexual experiences in the way i did. In fact i cant think of any "relationship" stuff i'd keep if i had the opportunity. I feel like i'm missing out on something by not living at a college. Or closer to campus. I feel like i'm missing out on the social side to uni. I feel like i'm missing out because i've only ever lived with my family. I've never had that experience of living with friends and just doing random stuff because you can. I'm not really a spontaneous person. I just wish i was more fun and interesting. Like when we use to do those warm fuzzy comments i always use to get the shit ones like "good at maths" (guess thats kind of why i went into engineering) or "red hair". These non-comments that dont actually mean anything. Even my "friends" wouldnt write overly great comments. one of them wrote "my friend in maths B & C". Thats the only nice thing he could think of from the entire time we knew each other.
Even now my "friends" dont know about me. me and my friends at uni mainly talk about uni. There's nothing really social to it. and i'm probably going to change degrees at some point, maybe next semester so i'll probably never speak to them again.

I just wish i knew what i wanted to be, or what i want to do in life. I just have no passion for anything. I want something that i am passionate about. Something that's challenging and fulfilling. I want that. I just wish i knew where to find it.

Sick, Self-Loathing

Blerg

So i went to the doctor today and i have tonsillitus. I'm also having problems with my wisdom teeth which freaking hurts. I'm hoping the medication for my tonsillitus helps with my wisdom tooth. And i'm hoping i'm all better by my exams. So i'm on medication for my tonsilitus and i'm taking panadol and i'm quickly working my way through throat lozenges. The doctor said i should eat healthy and maybe take some vitamin C. So i'm going to kind of listen to her and drink lots of citrus juice. I'm currently lying in bed with a massive headache so i'm probably going to go pop some more pills. I saw my friends at uni today and mentioned my sore throat. One of them was like "you know what's good for a sore throat, deepthroating" and i was like that's probably what causes it. And my friends laughed, if only they knew the truth. I'm not sure if i'll stay home tomorrow but if i do go to uni i may go a la rachel berry. Me being sick doesnt help with my study either, it hurts when i swallow (I could make jokes here :P)

I would also like to say that i have become self-loathing.
Yes, it's true, I hate my own kind.
Its developed over the past few weeks and i'd like to think it's not without reason. For some reason they just annoy the shit out of me. Yes, over the past few weeks i've developed a severe dislike for redheads. And here's why. There's this girl in one of my classes. She reminds me of princess fiona from shrek, as an ogre. And she comes across a so pretentious. She asks these stupid questions in class and the other week me and my friends were at the refec and she was at a table near us talking on her phone. And her conversation was just so stupid. Amongst other things, she was like, "i'm not feeling well because i didnt have breakfast and i'm pre-menstrual".
WTF!?!
Her conversation was loud but it wasnt quiet either. I didnt say anything to my friends cause i wasnt sure if i'd heard correctly. As we were leaving one of my friends brought it up. I was like i didnt say anything because i thought i'd hadn't heard her properly. And why would you say that to someone. Just so stupid.
Also in the same class there was this red haired guy practically dry humping his girlfriend in the row in front of us. And we were sitting pretty close to the front. I'm pretty sure he wasnt even in our class. I just dont get people that do that in lectures.
Also one of the transit officers called me ginger the other day which didnt overly please me.
And a redhead girl in the library gave me a deathstare yesterday for no apparent reason.

So there it is. I have become a self-loathing redhead.

That's all for now, I should probably try and get some rest.

P.S. Welcome back ethan, I hope things start to look up for you.
P.P.S I may or may not have joined twitter in an effort to increase procrastination. I dont think it's as bad as making youtube videos, I've thought about doing that.

My mouth tastes like purple

So

ummmm

i'm in full on procrastination mode right now but i've kind of run out of things to do, hence why i'm writing this post. For some reason the internet at uni get slow around lunch time. I'm not sure why but it makes trying to watch youtube annoying. So i've watched some youtube. I've read news stories on the net. I've checked facebook. I've checked my formspring. I've checked my blog stats. I've checked my facebook. I've stalked people on twitter. I've checked my blog stats. I've watched more youtube. Do you see why i'm running out of things to do that doesnt involve study. I am at uni, sitting in the library next to a window. Looking out at the fourth floor of the engineering building. I never see anyone on the fourth floor of the engineering building. I am at uni, because i figure it's better to do nothing at uni than doing nothing at home. I really have no drive to study at the moment. Also my back is killing me and that's not helping at all. Wow, there's someone on the fourth floor of the engineering building. It's a little weird.

I've become a facebook stalker. It's terrible. This is going to sound really bad but i kind of found out the name of the cute guy in my class through facebook. I was very lucky but his profile is on private so i know his name and thats about it. Turns out he went to school with my first "boyfriend" (not sure why i wrote boyfriend like that but i seems appropriate) So i may have somehow bought up cute guy when i was talking to my first bf. He thinks he's gay but he doesnt know for sure. Apparently cute guy plays soccer, hence the well developed legs and the fact that they're shaved. We both agree that he has an amazing arse and my first bf said if i ever get a shot at it i have to let him join in. I believe his exact words were i would love to fuck his arse. He's kinda a slut (hello pot, meet kettle :P).

God my back is killing me.

ummmm

not sure what i was talking about, or where i was going with this

UMMM
I was thinking about starting a twitter but i dont know, i already waste enough time. Also i dont have a fancy phone. My phone is pre-paid and cost $59 because i only had $60 in my bank account when i bought it so i dont think you can even connect to the net with it.

uni is so different during SWOTVAC. Even though there are still a fair few people here it's weirdly quiet. Also i went to the lolly shop today and saw the cute guy that works there. They have these awesome sour watermelon things. So good.

Well i've successfully wasted your time and some of mine. If you want to help me procrastinate leave a comment or ask me a question on my formspring page or something. I will get to some study today (eventually). Bonus points if you can tell me where the title comes from.

*Insert theme to Jaws*

I feel like i'm in the middle of the ocean just waiting to drown.

That's what my friend said about exams today and it pretty much sums up how i feel. I've all but resigned myself to failure. I feel like i have to just sit here and wait for my exams to come and there's nothing i can do to stop them, like some deep sea monster coming to eat me. It's been a shitty couple of days and i dont really see it changing. I have so much study to do and it's just not happening like i want it to. My study plan, while good in theory may not be the most practical thing. I feel like i'm banging my head against a wall. Next week is SWOTVAC so i guess i'll be able to catch up a little but i'm going to have to change my approach and i dont see things going well for me. Also i'm finding my brother and his girlfriend so annoying at the moment it's not funny.

I hope you're doing better than me

P.S. Go Sam Stosur

A Milestone

So this is my hundredth post. I'm a little suprised given how little happens in my life (i think writing about eurovision is the start of my downhill slide). So i figure i should do something a little special for my hundredth post. I was going to do facts about me but i dont think i could even get 50 let alone 100. So i've decided to do a hundred things in my room. I'm going to try and stay away from some obvious things, but you'll know i'm struggling if i start counting individual pens to my list (i probably have a hundred pens in my room anyway). Also i'm cleaning my room while i write this so dont be suprised if the list lacks some sort of cohesive order.

1) Curtains. Now i know i said i'd stay away from obvious things but i'm going to put this on the list anyway. Mainly because my bedroom doesnt have a door. It has a curtain hanging in the doorway and it's not really the best option for privacy (it's a shear curtain) But it's better than nothing.
2) Australian flag cape thanks to Tooheys New
3) Whiteboard
4) Wall Calendar (#3 & 4 are meant to help me be organised)
5) Giant Poker chip (it's yellow and worth $500. It's made out of foam and i got it from the EKKA)
6) Giant red fluffy dice (also from the EKKA, what can i say, I was good at that game)
7) The Behaviour and Design of Steel Structures to AS4100 (3rd edition)
8) Soil Mechanics and Foundations (2nd edition)
9) Calculus (6th edition)
10) Reinforced Concrete Basics : Analysis and design of reinforced concrete structures
11) Thermodynamics : An engineering approach (6th edition)
12) Mechanics of Materials (7th edition)
13) Engineering Fluid Mechanics (9th edition) (In case you didnt realise items 7 to 13 are textbooks)
14) Childhood money box, currently holding 17 cents in 1 and 2 cent pieces
15) Moneybox, I actually use this one atm so i'm not sure how much is in there. It depicts the building of the ANZ headquaters in Melbourne (and i'm not even with ANZ)
16) Mouthguard, from my AFL days
17) Tape Measure
18) Swiss Army Knife
19) Mobile Phone stand ( a christmas gift from a family friend, you can put a picture in it too)
20) All 7 Harry Potter Books (none of this vampire shit :P)
21) Stress ball in the shape of a lego block
22) Stress ball in the shape of a hard hat
23) Stress ball in the shape of a construction cone
24) Stress ball in the shape of a football
25) Queensland Pride magazine, which i picked up for free from uni
26) Grass (yellow plastic) Skirt
27) Lai with shot glass attached
28) A sketch i did in 2005, It's a bit dusty and dirty because it's just been lying around. It's on a canvas though.

29) Beanie from my time at the AIS
30) Coffee Cup that i got from my highschool
31) Halogen Lamp (the light in my room is up to shit)
32) The first 3 seasons of 30 Rock on DVD
33) I'm not sure of its actual name but i got this thing from japan. It's like a head and you're meant to put a dot in it's eye (it represents a goal) and when you complete the goal you colour the rest of the eye in. I use it as a paper weight sometimes.
34) Travel Scrabble (even though it's impossible to play while traveling)
35) The Kabuki Bookmarks, also from japan. They're really nice too.
36) Don't tell mum i work on the oil rigs, She thinks i'm a piano player in a whorehouse. This is Paul Carter's autobiography and it's a brilliant book. I should read it again.
37) Punishment (Anne Holt)
38) The Storm Prophet (Hector Macdonald)
39) The Charlemagne Pursuit (Steve Berry)
40) The Secret Cardinal (Tom Grace)
41) The Last Assassin (Barry Eisler)
42) The Lost Symbol (Dan Brown) This one was a gift, I probably wouldn't have bought it.
43) Christopher's Ghosts (Charles McCarry) I really dislike the ending to this book.
44) Uncollected (Paul Jennings)
45) The Arthur Triology by Kevin Crossley-Holland
46) Mortal Engines (Philip Reeve)
47) Books By Daniel Silva, I currently have 7
48) Batman Alarm Clock. My sister gave this to me the other week because she wanted to get rid of it. I need to buy batteries for it.
49) My old school Sony clock radio. It's pretty good
50) Soap on a Rope. I won this playing Golf a while back, hence why it's in the shape of a golfball. I cant bring myself to use it.
51) Red Glitter
52) 3D Glasses
53) Keyrings. I have so many keyrings it is not funny. I think i have 13+ different keyrings. It's quite a collection.
54) Layards. I have a lot of lanyards too. I dont know where they all came from. Well i do but i dont know why i still have them, sentimental reasons i guess.
55) The Chasers War on Everything DVD, episode 1 to 13 of season 1
56) Napolean Dynamite
57) Ace Ventura Pet Detective
58) Ace Ventura When Nature Calls
59) Shaun of the Dead
60) Meet the Parents and Meet the Fockers box set
61) IronMan
62) Stewie Griffin : The Untold Story
63) Batman Begins
64) The Dark Knight
65) Bad Ass Comedy Pack (pineapple express, superbad, step brothers)
66) Hot Fuzz
67) Pineapple Express (yes i have 2 copies, no i dont like it that much)
68) Semi-pro
69) Blades of Glory
70) Burn After Reading
71) Idiocracy
72) The House Bunny
73) Lock, Stock and two smoking barrels
74) Borat
75) Bad Santa
76) Dodgeball
77) Psycho (the hitchcock one)
78) Sunscreen (handily attached to a dog clip)
79) First Aid Kit (also handily attached to a dog clip, it's a small first aid kit)
80) Card and Dice Games (N.A.C. Bathe)
81) A tap (that's right, just a tap. It's not attached to the wall or anything. It's just a tap currently sitting on the end of my bed. It's not usually in my room.)
82) Butter Menthols
83) My old jogproof CD walkman
84) My friends tennis racquet.
85) Paintings. I have two paintings in my room that i did recently. I'm not going to show them though because they didnt turn out like i wanted.
86) Paint ( i only have the basic colours)
87) Paint brushes. I have 4 different ones
88) 1 Blank canvas (it's not a big one though).
89) German notes (my mum gave me these today. I guess i'll try and start learning german after my exams)
90) Old Birthday/Christmas cards (can you tell i'm starting to struggle).
91) The invitation to my senior formal
92) Post-it-notes, a lot of post it notes
93) Pedestal Fan
94) My old mp3 player
95) My watch (which i always forget to put on)
96) Pens, I have over 40 different ones
97) So Fresh ; the hits of summer 2007 plus the best of 2006 (disc one). I never really bought CD's
98) Adult stuff ;)
99) Free Diary from uni, which i always get with the intention of using but it never happens.
100) HOT NAKED MEN(I wish)
100) Photos of me. I have 6 photos and all of them were taken on the night of my formal.

So there it is, my hundredth post. A big thank you to all my followers and anyone that has read my blog. According to my analytics my blog has been viewed in over 43 countries (just over 40% of the views are from USA). I've also answered about 30 questions on formspring. I love answering questions (hint hint) so you can head over there and ask me some more if you want and read all my answers to the questions i've been asked so far.
A couple of things that i learnt while writing this post. I'm a little disappointed in the books i have given how much i love reading. I wish i had more and i wish i had more of my favourites there. I do have some more books but i would really like a whole library (sort of). The same deal with my dvd's too. I love movies. Also i guess i unofficially collect keyrings even though i dont buy any.
As always i welcome any comments or suggestions you have. I hope everyone is good and i hope i didn't annoy anyone too much with my talking about eurovision. I think i might have.

I could be having my stomach pumped at the moment : Eurovision part 2

...

A trio of women from croatia. They're just sitting on a park bench in their fancy dresses. What's with the short dresses with trains. Can you tell i know nothing about fashion. I'm really not sure if i like this song. And why did they have to bring out thiose back up dancers. and the wind machine is on again. WTF the dancers are throwing stuff at them. LOL, PhD just called them craotian milfs singing rock ballads (we're talking online).

And another female. This time from georgia. With shirtless male dancers. These ones dont look that good though. And they're wearing mascara for some odd reasaon. like lots of dark eye makeup.Wind machines and a money note and a key change all at once. And pyrotechnics. Thank god i'm not drinking.

Final song for the night from turkey. An emo rock band. Actually i think they're more goth. They've got some weird robot back-up dancer. A female robot apparently. Who is amputating her robot lobster arms with a grinder. I'm not joking. They've got pyrotechnics and everything. It was alright.

Lol. The host just said thank you churkey. I'll be alright as long as the netherlands or slovenia dont get through. They're recaping. I like lithuania. I've just realised the israel guy was showing some serious man cleavage. They must waste a lot of energy on that wind machine. Actually i dont like switzerland either. Swedens a maybe. I like this song from cyprus more now. Georgia was quite good too.

Omg they're doing a medley of the worst songs of eurovision. God some of them are bad. I'm liking armenia's song more and more and i dont think i want to. and i dont mind romania either. I really cant hear that song from the netherlangs again. I really dont like it. Hmmm the chick from azerbaijan is only 17. Countdown time. Voting is closed. Yayy. I'm really not that excited.

WTF is this. There's like some weird beiber-esque kid and all these people making weird noses. I'm so confused right now. And now they're hip hop dancing. W T F

And now they're talking to fans from australia. geez. The australian guy just called the netherlands song very special. LOL.

And now they're reading the results. Georgia makes it through. Ukraine gets through too. Gee they like to draw it out. Turkey. A little bit of a suprise. I guess they werent terrible. Israel makes it through :D . Ireland gets through. Not sure i would have picked them. Cyprus makes it through even though i dont think any of them are from cyprus. Azerbaijan gets through. Only three more countries get through. Romania. I like that song a bit. How the fuck did armenia get through. I really hope lithuania gets through. :( Denmark makes it through. Oh well i guess i'll have to watch the finals. Which i think is tomorrow night. I'm a little disappointed at the moment.

I think i might watch the movie that's on next. It's about bettie page.

If only i was drinking : Eurovision Part One

So welcome to another boring look at my boring life. As per usual i am sitting at home, alone on saturday night. Apparently my friends are all drunk at the moment, but i wouldnt know for sure seeing as i havent got replies to my texts. An invitation would have been nice even if i cant really go. I'm going to see my sister tomorrow and the rest of my family will be there so i have to leave pretty early in the morning.

So at the moment i am watching eurovision (semi final 2) and i'm incredibly bored so i'll probably just talk about that for a while (no iron chef this week either). I hate these hosts already. But julia zemiro is fun.

First up tonight is lithuania. They're playing air instruments. lol. Ok so the song is pretty good but their perfomance is pretty funny. And what the hell are they wearing. LOL. they just pulled off their pants and they are wearing silver hot pants. So funny

I should really do my eurovision drinking game from last week.

And here's armenia, making sure she's showing lots of cleavage. Pyrotechnics. And more pyrotechnics. I dont like this song. Who names a song apricot stone. And whats with that weird dancer. and more pyrotechnics. Geez her hair is long. And there's a money note and a key change. I could be totally smashed right now if i was doing that drinking game. Ahh the apricot is the national fruit of armenia. That makes a little sense then.

Israel, and the song is called words. He's pretty cute. For some reason that suprioses me. He's singing in hebrew and sounds pretty good. I cant understand any of it though. Money note. This guy is welcome in my bed anytime. and another money note. He was pretty good.

And now for denmark, apparently singing a break-up song. This song sounds really familiar. They sound pretty good. The guy reminds me of bon jovi. Actually he reminds me a little of the guy from aerosmith (who's name completely escapes me now). And there's a key change. I could be vomitting in the toilet by now. And a wind machine.

And now some guy from switzerland. He looks pretty gay. His haircut is similar to the cute guy in my structural lectures. Pyrotechnics again. I should say the cute guys hair is more longer and a little different but you get the idea. More pyrotechnics. Whats with those weird back up singers. And more pyrotechnics and a wind machine. And more pyrotechnics. That wasnt so great.

They're showing that israeli guy again. He's stunnning. And one of the lithunia guys is pretty hot too.

And now for sweden. She reminds me of taylor swift a little. That guitar looks huge. Where the fuck did the guitar go. It just disappeared. And now the wind machine is going and we get a key change. Is she wearing converse shoes. You think she'd get a little more dressed up. Ok so the song is pretty good.

And now for azerbaijan. WTF is she wearing. it's like a mini with a train or something. And she's got a glove, a la mj. Drip drop drip drop. The male dancer looks ok i guess. Wind machine, and she's on her knees. And her dress lights up.

Ukraine now. She's dot a hood on. She looks weird. And sounds pretty different. Crank up the wind machine. So i'm pretty sure her dress is see through. I actually dont mind this song. That was pretty tame for eurovision.

And now for the netherlands, with a song written by papa smurf. I'm not kidding you. Holy Shit. I dont even know how to describe this. I'm literally lost for words. If it ends up on youtube you have to watch it cause i dont know what to say. It kind of reminds me of the circus (even though i've never been)

And now back to the dodgy hosts. Lol. thanks norwegian josh thomas.

Dueling pianos with romania. The song is called playing with fire. So of course we start with pyrotechnics. They're not even proper pianos. I think i like this song, Should i be ashamed. What the hell are the backup singers wearing. That was a really high note. And there's the wind machine.

And now for slovenia with popular folk rock apparently. WTF!?! Its like they put 2 completely different songs together. They cant possibly get through. I dont think i've ever seen an electric guitar and an accordian played next to one another. The rock guy is channelling bon jovi a bit too.

Hmmm. Ireland with a previous winner. Apparently she's not feeling well. This chick is pretty good. The song is a little slow for me but it's still good.

Bulgaria now. i can tell this is going to be proper eurovision before it even starts. And i was right. He has angels. And buff male dancers. They look like they're wearing glad wrap. Ahh. White clothes and weird dancers. It's like textbook eurovision.

Cyprus. Jon lillygreen looks cute, and he's only 22. Although i still prefer israel. This song is nice. And there's a money note. Ok so the guy is actually welsh but he's singing for cyprus because of some rule they have.

I love this boost ad. Tickle me silly love biscuit.

I've just realised how long this post would be so i've decided to split it.

To be continued ...

Dont read this, it's not worth your time

So i'm currently sitting in my geotech lecture waiting for it to start. Right at the back so i can escape if i get too bored but i'm going to try and sit through the whole two hour lecture. I figure i should do a whole lecture before the end of semester. So Queensland won last night. Like we knew they would. Game 2 is in three weeks and will be in brissie so hopefully they can wrap up the series. I wont be going to the game because tickets sell out in like half an hour or something ridiculous. I'm going to be playing tennis tomorrow with some friends from uni. Apparently court hire is free for a couple of hours or something. It's been ages since i've played tennis. I dont even have my tennis racquet in brisbane so i guess i'll have to hire one. I've found a great new way to procrastinate. There's this game called qilox. It kinda reminds me of pacman, i'm not sure why. Everyone should play it, it's a little addictive. We're 15 minutes in and we still havent started the lecture. We're filling out TEVAL's but i havent really been to enough lectures so i'm not going to do one.

So we're learning about landslides and stress in retaining walls. If i keep commenting on the lecture i'm pretty sure the only person that'll understand it is charlie. Although he's much smarter than me. So we're talking about water levels in soil and capillary forces and water pressure, etc. But be the great multi-tasker that i am, i just set a new high score on qilox.

Ok so this pretty attractive just walked in late and sat right next to me. I pretty sure he cant read this. Which is good cause i'd probably die if he did.

And now we're learning the bishop method. Seems interesting. Calculates the safety with the equilibrium of the moment and because Pi (that's P subscript i not 3.14) goes through the centre of the circle it doesnt contribute to the moment.

I have lots of study to do before my exams. And now it's time for a break. I really need to stop procrastinating. I'm pretty sure i procrastinate my procrastination. Thats how much i've been procrastinating lately. I've just been lacking a lot of focus.

I should probably go because my friend is heading my way. Sorry if you read this crap

QUEENSLANDER!!

So it's hot guy day at uni today. For some reason there always seems to be more hot guys on wednesdays, i dont know why. I had a structural lecture today. Had a quick look at the cute guy in my class. He had a haircut, but his hair still looks quite gay. And he was sitting with all those girls again. He has way to many female friends to be a straight engineering student (does that make me sound stalkerish). Still havent spoken to him and i dont really plan to. I have an assignment due at 4 this arvo which i had completely forgetten about and therefore havent started. It's a participation kinda thing so i'll chuck something together and hand it in.

Tonight is state of origin and we all know queensland will win, again. They're going for 5 straight series in a row which has never been done and lets face, NSW has nothing. Although they might be a dud or two in the maroons they're still going to beat the blues. On another note, former sexiest man in league matt ballin is making his debut for queensland tonight. So not only do we have the best team but we have the best looking team too. I'll probably be at home watching the game by myself (not in 3D either). I think my brother is going to his friends place and i have no idea what his gf is doing. So yeah. Guess i should start this assignment.

P.S. State of origin is rugby league and it's kinda a big deal

Bigger than the money

I stayed home from uni today because i'm pretty sure i have the flu. My brother is being a massive bitch. My mum is worried about me and i'm pretty sure i'm going to fail all of my exams.

And now to reply to a comment on my last post. Manhunt is scary. And gay people wonder why they get stereotyped as sluts. I've had so many offers for sex it's not funny. However i'm respecting myself and i've decided to block the guys that just want sex. Hopefully i'll come across some guys that dont imediately talk about sex. I know manhunt isnt the ideal place to meet friends but i know there are some good guys out there and it's all i can deal with at the moment

I'm Sorry, I Really Am

I'm so fucking bored at the moment. And just so you know i'm telling the truth. It's currently 8.45 on saturday night and i'm watching a history of eurovision. A history of fucking eurovision. Where the fuck is my ironchef, it's like the only reason i watch sbs. Well that and the softcore porn (if you live in australia you'll know what i mean). Anyway, thats my little rant.

Ummm. I've decided i need to wank more because it will lessen my chances of making bad/rash decisions

I have to interupt this to say WHAT THE FUCK. They have Les Murray singing a song in italian. He's a fucking football (soccer) commentator. OK so he wasnt half bad but what the fuck is with this show. I want my iron chef. I like reading subtitles on a saturday night.

Sorry for the rant.
Ummm. More wanking.
My new housemate has already moved out

Oh. Eurovision drinking game
drink if the singer winks
drink if the singer drops to their knees
drink if the singer shows partial nudity (abs, lots of leg, etc)
drink if a wind machine is used
drink for a key change
skull for a money note (like the big long note)
skull for pyrotechnics
there were some others i missed

ok it's an ad break.
So i'm going to wank more
umm. back to 3 people living in my house
There's a guy that works at the engineering library that reminds me of norman bates. it's freaky.

I cant believe they have bjorn again on. Actually i'm pretty sure you can bet on eurovision. Apparently germany, armenia, slovakia and latvia are looking good

God some of these songs are crap. Although some pretty interesting stories. One portugese song in the 70's was used as a sign to start a political coup, apparently. And riverdance got big after being there.

Oh Adam Richard. Such a flaming queen. Still fun though. Hey Hey it's Slutterday

jesus christ. What was celine dion thinking. I dont know if its on youtube but go look at her perfomance. I dont know what to say

God eurovision is gay

god this song is bad (greece 2002)

Apparently a transexual from israel won one year. who knew

holy shit is that a man or a woman . what were you thinking serbia. I think it's a man

at least there are hot male dancers. I want the one on the end (the younger one).

OK.
I would sincerely like to apologise if you read this. I told you i was bored and you've just wasting your time reading this (but i did apologise in advance). At least if you get bored in a weeks time you'll have a drinking game, although you'll probably be drunk by the end of the first song



So the singer is actually from australia but she was singing for england back in the day

Photodissociation and Photoionization

Photoelectrochemical processes usually involve transforming light into other forms of energy. These processes apply to photochemistry, optically pumped lasers, sensitized solar cells, luminescence, and the effect of reversible change of color upon exposure to light.

The title of this post is taken from a book i am sitting next to in the library and the definition comes from wikipedia. I really know very little (none) about these two processes but i thought it was kinda interesting. Not exactly a light reading book.

So at the moment i am sitting in the library and the library is trying to give me frostbite. Seriously, i dont know what it is but the library is always freezing cold, even in summer. And we're coming into winter now which makes it even worse (although it's a really nice day today).

I know my last couple of posts have been boring but that's what you get when you have a boring life like me. Here are some little tidbits from my day

I got my first offer for money on manhunt since i signed back up. I politely declined. I'm a high class escort, for politicians and athletes :P

Some other guy wanted me to fuck him. I politely declined that offer too. Although being tall is good, apparently.

There's an attractive guy that works in the lolly shop at uni (just so you know)

I couldnt stop looking at the cute guy in my struct lecture today (i've talked about him before). I dont think i was too obvious and he was on the other side of the lecture hall. Although i did see him close up outside after the lecture. His arse looks phenomenal (i only looked briefly, i swear).

I'm beginning to like the drunken noodle at uni less and less. They stuffed up more order yet again. I'm pretty sure they've got it wrong more times than they've got it right. Although i did get a really nice chicken roll from there today so i might just go there for them from now on.

Me and my friend were listening to his ipod during our rather boring 2 hour lecture (the same one with the cute guy, who was in a yellow shirt today, so i sound more stalker like). Back to the ipod. Let's just say i havent heard S Club 7, Shania Twain, Beastie Boys, Aqua, Cher, Ace of Base or Status Quo for quite a while.I think we may have annoyed our third friend a bit.

I passed both my mid-semester tests with varying degrees of success. It doesnt make me any more confident with my finals though. What kind of idiot decides a final worth 70% is a good idea, let alone four around that same size.

For some reason this song was in my head all morning


I've also realised that i'm nearing my hundredth post so that'll be coming in the near future. I'll have to think of a good way to celebrate, something interesting to post anyway.

UMMM hope everything is well with you

my return

I'd just like to say what a wonderful job i have done at procrastinating today. Well i still am procrastinating, otherwise i probably wouldnt be writing this. Not that i havent tried to study, i have. It's just that my lecturer has one of these voices that makes you want to sleep. It must be his accent or something. At least i know if i ever suffer from insomnia i'll be able to go to sleep.

So i was up at 5 this morning and my day at uni was meant to start at 8. Although my day at uni didnt start at all (there were legitiment reasons). But i only had 2 lectures today so i'll watch the recording of them when my focus returns to me. That being said it is one month until my exams. That's not a lot of time.

Also i have rejoined manhunt. Probably not the best idea in the world but i figure i can handle it better than last time. Also i think that i really do need some gay friends. People that i can hang out with and be myself and be comfortable. I'm not going to be doing random hookups or anything. I'm definately sticking to my no action unless i have a bf thing.

As for the coming out drama from my last couple of posts. Ummmm. I've decided i'm not going to lie. Not that i have been, but i havent exactly been open. So if someone asks me if i'm gay i'll tell them. I guess if i do need to tell someone i could tell my friend (the one on my side in our pizza discussion the other night ). He's quite vocal about his opinions and supports gay marriage and everything so i think he'll be fine with it.

So for wasting your time if you read this post

Can you be happy and sad at the same time?

Two things before i start my proper post
1 - Jessica Watson is amazing, i nearly cried when she got off the boat. I only hope i can fulfil some of my dreams.
2 - One of my brothers friends is going to be moving in with us. It was kind of a last minute thing but i dont think there will be any problems. I kinda know him but not really so we'll see.

Now for why i'm writing
I've spent far too long sitting in my thinking corner today (that would be the shower, for the uninitiated). Unfortunately i didnt come to any real conclusions. I was thinking about my "friends" and coming out. Umm yeah, probably not the best thing to be thinking about, i'm probably going to drive myself crazy. Where to start. I guess i think of myself as being out, but at the same time i'm not (if that makes any sense). So far i have told my four siblings and my mum and james. So i have come out to 6 people, well thats not really true. I have come out to other people but they were guys i've met on the net so it came with the assumption of liking guys. So i came out to them but i dont think that counts, it wasnt a big deal and they already knew i liked guys. Also a lot more people i havent come out to know i'm gay. Like my mum told my dad as well as one of her oldest best friend, who then would have told her two best friends, i'm assuming (her two best friends are a gay couple). My older brother told his gf (who i'm assuming has told some other people). He has also told one of his closest friends (i've only recently found this out) apparently his friend replied by saying is that meant to be news? Maybe i do give off a big gay vibe. My sister told her financial spouse (her boyfriend). I'm assuming his family knows to due to the fact that his sister is a lesbian, apparently. Also i'm pretty sure my old housemate knows. As for james i dont know if he's told anyone and i dont really care. And that's just it, i dont really care if anyone knows i'm gay but at the same time i do. I think it's the actual coming out i'm scared of. Like how to actually do it. I've gone over a million different scenarios in my head and none of them turn out well for me. i'm just worried about my uni friends. I mean i still have about 2 years of uni left and i see this same small group of people everyday. i really dont see it turning out well for me. I'm sure some of them will be fine with it but others wont and i figure that that will put me on the outer. I mean i was sort of last to join the group and i hear less than brilliant words reffering to gays and i just dont know. I know i shoudnt care about what people think about me but i cant help it.
My latest idea for coming out is to make a short youtube video saying i'm gay than post the link on facebook (i'm pretty sure i've seen every coming out story that is on youtube). I dont know if that's the best thing to do though. It's just another idea to add to my list which will probably never get used. I just ... This is meant to be the happiest time of my life and i cant even be completely honest with myself. I dont know how these young teenagers coming out on youtube can be so sure of themselves.

I need new friends

So today i felt as if i suffered a bit of a setback. Earlier this evening me and a few friends went and got some pizza from the pizza caffe at uni. We got to talking about politics (no one wants tony abbot to be prime minister) which lead us to talk about gay marriage. To cut a long story short two of my friends are very anti-gay. One more so than the other but it's still not good. They compared homosexuality to beastiality and peadophillia. I asked when they chose to be straight and on of them said i was born that way, normal. So they think it's unnatural which isnt great for me. One of them is all for gay marriage so thats alright but the other two arent. I guess i wont be coming out for a while yet.

:(

D&M : An Abridged Version

This past weekend was mothers day so i went home for the weekend. I had a great time and my weekend included an unexpected d&m (deep and meaningful) with my mum and sister on Saturday night. I started writing a full recount but i got over it so I'm going to do an abridged version. Mainly because my memory isn't brilliant and i tried telling this story to charlie and did a terrible job at it.

SO, here are all the important points from my deep and meaningful with my mum and sister.

As always we start with my mum talking about me being unhappy, having no social life and doing badly at uni (in her opinion). She thinks i should change degrees and mentions environmental engineering and (surprise, surprise) town planning, for the millionth time. My sister recommends environmental science cause one of her friends is doing it and it's really easy and you get paid shitloads (my words not hers). I politely tell my mum I'm never going to do town planning and while I've so far enjoyed my environmental courses i don't want to do environmental engineering because 1) i don't think my uni offers it and 2) i feel it will be restrictive and if i do civil i can move in lots of different directions. My mum tells me some story about how my sister hated uni for ages but one day she rang her up and said i know this is what i want to do and she says all she ever gets me to say about uni is "its alright".

My perfectionist sister talked about her "mini breakdown" she had the other day and after that she decided to write a to do list of things she wants to do (obviously). Some of hers matched up with things i want to do so here is my list;
1) I wish i could speak a second language. Me and my sister have decided to try and learn German. We chose German cause we've both learnt a bit before (although she's much better than me) and i figured it would be easier to learn a language based on the alphabet instead of something like japanese or mandarin where we'd have to learn completely new characters.
2) I really want to buy the complete tomorrow, when the war began series by john marsden (I dont really have time to read them at the moment but i still want to buy them, something to do on the holidays).
3) Get back into my art. When i was younger i use to love painting and drawing. I may not be brilliant but it was fun so i might go and buy a canvas some time soon. Cause it's good to have a hobby.
4) My sister mentioned something about going to a cooking class and i mentioned that i was thinking of buying a cookbook seeing as the masterchef one i have is up to shite. They're kinda the same right?
5) Travel around the world
I think that is the end of my list. My sister had more but i think 5 is good enough for me. So that little conversation led to my mum and her "to do" list. My sister mentioned how my mum use to write all these funny little short stories. And my mum says when we were younger she really wanted to replace pat mcdermott?? from the womans weekly (womans weekly is a magazine and that woman has a column where she writes about funny things that happen to her family, she has 5 kids just like my mum) and that she has always wanted to write a book. She told us her ideas for her book including the pseudonym she would write under (it was kinda obvious but a little funny). My mum then mentions that lately she has been thinking about writing a book about me, my life from her perspective. This makes my sister cry and she says that she would be so proud if my mum actually did this. This makes my mum tear up a bit and my mum says she'd write books about all of the kids. I say but mine would be first and that's all that matters (its a joke). To be honest it did make me well up a little and she had a title for it and everything. We both told my mum she should write a book if that's what she wants to do. She works far too much and hates her job and has lots of holidays owing so she could do it. My mum says she wouldn't know where to start if she were to write a book about me. I say how about you start with the story of how i use to reming you of my dad's dad when you use to nurse me to sleep at night (he died unexpectedly from a brain aneurysm in his forties, before my parents were even married). I tried to tell the story to charlie but i did a terrible job at it so i wont repeat it here. My mum didn't know i knew this story but i overheard her telling one of her friends on the phone one day (not sure how that topic came up). So my mum tells the story to my sister. She also talks about my birth and how different it was from my siblings and she almost gave birth to me on the floor because she didn't know she was in labor with me and i was such a placid baby. She also talks about how i use to have tantrums when i was about 2 where i would sit at the end of the hallway and just hold my breath until i turned blue. I kinda gave my mum a hard time. This then leads to me talking about her father. I mention that i know that i remind her of him and i say the only thing i know about your dad is in primary school i had to do a family tree and you told me to put him as deceased (my mums dad isn't talked about in my family, ever, hence why i think me looking like him isn't a good thing). My mum tells me she hates family trees. My sister says did you think he was dead all this time. I say i suspected he was alive but i don't know. My mum says he is deceased. I then ask her if he is dead. She says no. I then ask if she and her brother are full siblings or only half siblings because for a number of years i have suspected that they were only half siblings because one Christmas my mum said something about her brothers dad being there. And me being younger got a little confused seeing as my mum said her dad was dead. I should point out that i have only ever known my grandmother as a single woman. So it turns out one of my grandfathers is still alive.

We also talked about my sexuality. My sister asked me what my type was. My response was old guys with grey hair, around the age of sixty. Then i was like i don't know, i guess it depends on my mood. then my mum and my sister were like who do you think is hot and they were naming people like hugh jackman and paul mcdermott and I'm like i don't know, why are you picking old guys. And my sister was like well we watched the logies the other day, name a young actor you think is hot. I had real trouble thinking of one but eventually I'm like, i guess lincoln lewis is alright. And my sister was like so you like the buff surfie type. Can you tell it was incredibly awkward for me. Something about being around my mum and my sister stifled my homosexual desires. My mum also asked if i was bi and i said i dont know. Then we got to talking about my sex life, which was incredibly awkward. I was just staring at my game of freecell on the laptop the entire time (i won three games so yay for me). I told a little lie and said i had only been with 3 guys. I told her about my first boyfriend, honestly. Saying that we went out for about a month (boyfriends for all of 2 weeks) And we did things but not full blown sex. She was disappointed in me. Disappointed that i didnt wait longer. My sister told me that mum was disappointed that she didnt wait longer with her boyfriend (they've been together for over 6 years now). They kept asking about the other 2 guys but i didnt say anything and my sister realised it was awkward for me so we moved on. I actually think this bit came before the bit about the to do list but i cant really remember. Also my littlest brother (he's nearly 12) was around for a bit of this but i think he left before we talked about my sex life.

Somewhere in here we talked about me moving out of home (in brisbane) as well (i've never lived with anyone who wasnt family and i wouldnt mind experiencing it at some point) and the fact that my brother is annoyed with me because i dont have a job even though i probably spend more time on my studies then he does at work.

So that was my d&m with the females of my family. Given the length of this abridged post i bet you're glad i didnt do a detailed one. What can i say, it was a long talk. If you want to say anything leave a comment.

P.S. my mum talked to me a bit sunday morning and said she was reading about drop out and failure rates for engineering and she said i was doing really well and she was proud of me but i should try to have more fun. I also noticed she started writing the story she wanted to but i didnt read because she said not too.

Big Jet Plane

My life is pretty boring at the moment so here's a video. I really like this song.

its all over, for now

Lets start off with my thought of the year (i heard it somewhere but i cant remember where).

Those that mind, dont matter.
Those that matter, dont mind.

Can i just say, i'm so glad this week is over. I've spent far to much time at uni this week and all my mid-semester exams are finally over. Thank god. I've spent the past six hours at the uni pub and i've had a little bit to drink so i should sleep well. OK, i've had a fair bit to drink, but i can handle my liquor so i dont feel to bad. So i'll finally get a good nights sleep.

Hope everyone is alright. I really like answering questions so head over to my formspring thing (link on the side). Leave a comment if you want to or whatever.

P.S. Here's a video

ANZAC Day

They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, or the years contemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them

Lest we forget

So the 25th of April is a big day in Australia and New Zealand and many other countries around the world. In australia it is a day to celebrate our diggers (war veterans) and current serviceman and women. The 25 of april was the date when the ANZAC's landed at gallipoli in world war 1.

Today if one of the first years where i havent been to an anzac day service. It's a little sad for me. Usually i would attend a service, i've presented wreaths at services and i was even a flag bearer for one service but this year i am in brisbane instead of at home. So i am watching the gallipoli dawn service on TV. I must say Quentin Bryce gave a wonderful speech at gallipoli and i would really like to go to the gallipoli dawn service one year.

I'm going to fail, again

I feel like my head is about to explode. My back is killing me, i cant concentrate, i cant think.
I'm going to fail this exam tomorrow, for the second time. I just cant do it. I know i need to calm down and relax but i cant.

Fuck, i need a distraction

here are some answers from my formspring. I answered one question today and now i have nothing else to distract me :(

The question i answered today asked my major. I'm doing a bachelor of engineering majoring in civil.

Here are some old questions i've answered.

Now that you've deleted your MH profile, are you finding that you're finding more quality dates?
I havent had any dates since i deleted manhunt. I dont think i'll be getting any dates any time soon but i'll let you know if i do.

Hey buddy, I just noticed I haven't asked a question in awhile, so here goes... What does it take to get you to go on a date with me? Should I just ask, email you, IM you or wait for you to make the first move?
Just ask (email and IM are fine too). I'm terrible at making the first move

have you had a one night stand and is there any bloggers you would have a one night stand with
Yes i have had one night stands but i dont want to do that any more. And if i had to choose a blooger to have a one night stand with i guess i'd have to go with Charlie from Cool Charlie Loves His Life. I dont really know that many bloggers.

If you want to see more just click the link to the side. I'll probably still be in the library feeling like i want to cry.

Uni Sucks

Uni is so crappy at the moment and i'm over it. I have an assignment due wednesday, a test on thursday, and another 3 assignments on friday. GAHHH!!!

In other news i have old english cheese and pickles on my subway (i dont normally) and i liked it. Also i think i saw Ed, my fellow brisbane blogger, but i dont think he saw me. I've also taken to sketching people in my classes when i'm bored. Apparently i go alright.

I hope your day is going better than mine

Love Lost and others

So we're going to start off with a bit of a movie trailer. The movie is called Tomorrow, When The War Began. Now i'm excited for this movie because it is based on some of my favourite books of all time. Go read the whole series if you have the chance (i think there are 7 books) because they are brilliant. After reading these books i briefly entertained an idea of being a writer (i still kinda do). So i'm really hoping this movie is good and doesnt deviate from the book to much. The basic idea is a group of teenagers come back from a camping trip and find that australia has been invaded so they become guerilla soldiers. That really doesnt do the books justice because they are so much better than that. Anyways, here it is.



And now for some music. I couldnt get all the songs i wanted (friend in the field by art vs science) but i do like all of these songs. And yes i know some of them are a bit old. Some of them have really great film clips too.















And finally a clip from one of the greastest bands. Powderfinger announced there split recently and they are such a great band and from brissie too. Here is one of there recent songs.

Rambling Romantic Rooster

So it's been about a week since i posted and it's been a bit of a rollercoaster for me. I'll try to tell you everything that's been happening so i might ramble a bit in this post.

So last saturday i went out clubbing with some friends and some people i kinda know but not really. It was the first time i had seen james since my coming out to him. So i went over to this girls (friend of a friend) house for pre-drinks with everyone. After a while we caught a cab into the valley and we went to The Family. It was my first time going there and i was suprised i got in. It's a pretty nice club but it was kinda dead. I managed to dance up a bit of a storm, badly, but it was fun. After a while we left and went to possibly the best club in the entire of brisbane, The Embassy. Ok so that last thing was a personal opinion but it is a favourite of me and my friends and we usually end up in there at some point of the night if we go out clubbing, even if we dont plan to or say we wont. Also when i use to go out on friday night they had $10 jugs of cocktails which probably explains my fondness for a fruit tingle. Also i love fruit tingles (the fizzy lollies). WOW. So i got a bit sidetracked there but to cut a long story short i went out, had a good time and my sexuality wasnt mentioned once and james seemed fine with me.

So on sunday i woke up early as usual and kinda lazed around a bit and it was very relaxing. Also i dont really get hangovers so that is good.

So i'm not sure if you know this but i am a hopeless romantic. I am a huge romantic even though i dont really have any romance in my life. If you've been reading dans blog (Daily Dan, there should be a link on the side) lately you'll know what i mean when i say i wish something like that would happen to me. It just sounds so great and amazing and i wish him all the best. Also i saw this video on sunday afternoon i think and i thought it was so sweet and it made me well up a little and i wish something like this would happen to me.



Now i have to admit that i dont watch ugly betty. Actually i dont even know if they show it on tv anymore. They use to show it on channel 7 but i havent heard about it for a while.

Anyway, at the start of the week i was feeling depressed. It sounds so silly now. I was having problems with my mum again which seem to have cooled off for now but we'll see. Also i was having a bit of trouble with being single. I know it's stupid but i just want someone to want to be with me. Not just for sex and that. I just want some guy to wrap his arms around me and hold me and want me for me. I know it sounds corny but i've never really had that. I dont need a boyfriend but i think it would be nice.

So i've had uni this week and a fair few assignments and want not. And i've got exams coming up. At least i dont have to worry about work now. so normally i would have worked tuesday afternoon but seeing as i quit i had it off. Lately i have been thinking about going to the queer room at uni (it's actually called the queer room). Anyway, it's just a room for gay, lesbian , bi, trans, etc, etc students
and i think it's where the gay support group meets (or whatever they're called). So i decided that i would go and have a look on tuesday. I was so nervous it felt like my first time going gay clubbing all over again (my heart was beating so fast and that was just at the thought of going). So i walked up the stairs to the room. And i got to the top. And i turned around and walked back down. I chickened out and walked back down the stairs. It was just a room and i couldnt even go in. so i went back to the enginnering library and sat on the gound and hid in my little corner. I just couldnt do it.

Hmmmmm. What else has been happening.
I went to the indian returant down the road with my older brother and his gf the other night. It was my first time there and it tasted really good. However, i dont think i'll be eating indian again. Lets just say i dont think my toilet would appreciate it.

I got a nice message from james the other night saying it was good to see me on the weekend. I'll probably see him at some point this weekend.

My league team lost tonight which sucked but they're still towards the top of the ladder. They've won 4 out of the 6 games this season so hopefully they can keep it up and make the finals. At least they're doing better than the other queensland teams.

A big shout out to princess cause he's awesome.

I heard this song on the radio for the first time in a whil the other day and i remembered how much i liked it, actually how much i like most of her songs. Give it a listen. I think it's pretty good.


Actually i've been hearing a lot of good music lately so i might need to do another music post. Yves Klein Blue, Temper Trap, Bluejuice, Art vs Science and as much as i dont want to admit it i kinda like the new brian mcfadden song.

Anyway that's about it. Long and rambling as promised. I hope it makes sense. If you have any questions dont be afraid to ask, i wont bite. So leave a comment or ask a question on my formspring page (if you wish to be anonomous(link to the side)). Hope you're all well.

P.S. I just remembered DJ spoke to me briefly this morning. it was the first time we talked in months and it was brief and awkward. I dont think i have any feelings for him what so ever.

ALSO: lots of love to charlie cause he really is amazing and he was there for me this week when i was down and he helped me so thank you.