Saturday, May 15, 2010

Can you be happy and sad at the same time?

Two things before i start my proper post
1 - Jessica Watson is amazing, i nearly cried when she got off the boat. I only hope i can fulfil some of my dreams.
2 - One of my brothers friends is going to be moving in with us. It was kind of a last minute thing but i dont think there will be any problems. I kinda know him but not really so we'll see.

Now for why i'm writing
I've spent far too long sitting in my thinking corner today (that would be the shower, for the uninitiated). Unfortunately i didnt come to any real conclusions. I was thinking about my "friends" and coming out. Umm yeah, probably not the best thing to be thinking about, i'm probably going to drive myself crazy. Where to start. I guess i think of myself as being out, but at the same time i'm not (if that makes any sense). So far i have told my four siblings and my mum and james. So i have come out to 6 people, well thats not really true. I have come out to other people but they were guys i've met on the net so it came with the assumption of liking guys. So i came out to them but i dont think that counts, it wasnt a big deal and they already knew i liked guys. Also a lot more people i havent come out to know i'm gay. Like my mum told my dad as well as one of her oldest best friend, who then would have told her two best friends, i'm assuming (her two best friends are a gay couple). My older brother told his gf (who i'm assuming has told some other people). He has also told one of his closest friends (i've only recently found this out) apparently his friend replied by saying is that meant to be news? Maybe i do give off a big gay vibe. My sister told her financial spouse (her boyfriend). I'm assuming his family knows to due to the fact that his sister is a lesbian, apparently. Also i'm pretty sure my old housemate knows. As for james i dont know if he's told anyone and i dont really care. And that's just it, i dont really care if anyone knows i'm gay but at the same time i do. I think it's the actual coming out i'm scared of. Like how to actually do it. I've gone over a million different scenarios in my head and none of them turn out well for me. i'm just worried about my uni friends. I mean i still have about 2 years of uni left and i see this same small group of people everyday. i really dont see it turning out well for me. I'm sure some of them will be fine with it but others wont and i figure that that will put me on the outer. I mean i was sort of last to join the group and i hear less than brilliant words reffering to gays and i just dont know. I know i shoudnt care about what people think about me but i cant help it.
My latest idea for coming out is to make a short youtube video saying i'm gay than post the link on facebook (i'm pretty sure i've seen every coming out story that is on youtube). I dont know if that's the best thing to do though. It's just another idea to add to my list which will probably never get used. I just ... This is meant to be the happiest time of my life and i cant even be completely honest with myself. I dont know how these young teenagers coming out on youtube can be so sure of themselves.


  1. hey tommy, that is a hard decision - do u see a reason to come out in such a whizzbang huge way? i am not saying i am not in support of it, do what you want but i think you need to think about all the consequences and what could go wrong. remember, internet is a huge wide open, can be viral and organic place that you don't have much control over. don't overstress.

    PS: i totally cried when Jessica crossed the finishing line. it's absolutely incredible and her last few words were gold!

  2. You're in such a different situation from mine when I entered uni. At that time, almost fifty years ago, I was out to no one and desperately wanted to keep it that way. I also was hoping to "change." In my first year two guys wormed it out of me, but I swore them to secrecy. In my second year a freshman fell in love with me, and I came out to him, and made him come to see a priest with me for advice on how to deal with it. Through the priest I was referred to a psychologist, but nothing of substance came from that.

    The thing is, back then, people knew that there were homosexuals, but to be known as one was to be a pariah. There wasn't the physical bullying of today, but there were occasional snide remarks, and behind-the-back ridicule. There weren't gays on campus who were officially out.

    Paradoxically, it seems to me that today there is much more acceptance among a lot of people, but more hostility among the real homophobes.

    This may not help you much, but I think it is at least possible to be out now without ruining your standing, whereas fifty years ago it wasn't. I also think that there is less stereotyping today.

    If you decide to come out to your friends, including the ones who made the prejudiced and unfriendly remarks, one way might be to wait for the topic to come up again and say something like, "I assume you all think I'm at least an okay guy. Would it surprise you to know I'm gay?"

  3. to me, coming out was personal, and to me, facebook would b to much of mass-exposure lol!
    if you think there's ppl who deserve to know, tell them in person. it's a scary thought; but with the "been there, done that" cliche, it is not as traumatising as it sounds.
    naturgesetz is right tho, thanfully we live in a whole different decade where there's more freedom i believe.
    do take time in considering your options for lettin mates know bout u. its worth the wait (^.^)


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