I'm Old

I feel like i should write something but at the same time i'm not exactly sure what to write.

I'm no longer a teenager. I know it's a little silly but i feel as if i've wasted my youth. Not that i can really do anything to change that now. My parents got me a new hoodie, some t-shirts, a new wallet, a book called I Kill (which made me realise that i have a disturbing amount of serial killer books) and acne cleanser (obviously from my mother who cares more about how my face looks than i do, so annoying). They also got me a caramel cheesecake as my birthday cake, which was pretty good. I had planned to go to the uni pub after class on tuesday to celebrate my birthday but only one of my friends turned up so i postponed it indefinately. So all in all my birthday was typically boring. I went to uni, I came home, I had some cake and i went to bed.

I also joined gaydar the other day. I have no idea why though, I guess i was bored. I probably had some stupid romantic delusion where i'd meet this wonderful guy on there and we'd fall in love, etc etc. I dont see it happening. Everyone on there seems to have at least a decade on me (which i think is just a little too old for me at the moment).

And that's about it. My life continues down its boring and uneventful path. I'm on a break from uni for the next week but i'm not sure how much holidaying i'll get to do. I'm hoping to catch up on all this uni work.

I'd totally do Jessica Biel

I figured you guys deserved a proper update from me instead of my tweets about masterchef and my terrible story writing. I have 41 followers now which is good. Thanks to all of you. Here's whats been happening.

So i got my results from the past semester and i did so badly that i got an academic warning. That pretty much means that if i dont improve this coming semester i'll get kicked out of uni. Not exactly the best feeling in the world. Due to the results and the fact that i've been losing interest in my courses i have changed majors. I am now doing mining engineering which i'm hoping will go better. It is more assignment based than exam based which will be good for me. I also considered changing to a bachelor of reginal and town planning but i didnt get a chance to speak to the course advisor (yet) and i'm not sure if i'll be able to change mid-year. Also the fact that my GPA is abysmal probably wouldnt help either. I had my special exam today which i failed massively. I had sort of given up on it because i'm changing majors and the actual content wasnt really appealing (i know its bad and i should have tried harder). I've decided to put this past semester behind and just try and move on and make sure i pass everything this coming semester. I really dont want to get kicked out of uni.

So a couple of weeks ago I had to pick up my sister and her bf from the airport and take them back to their place on the sunny coast. Then i drove back to the farm and stayed with my family for a couple of days. It was good to be back on the farm. There's something comforting about it. The thing i miss most about the farm is the pot belly stove and also i kinda miss the shower (I realise how silly this sounds). I mucked around with my two little brothers and i went and saw The A-Team with some friends i hadnt seen in a while and it was mostly good. However, if i have to hear my mother say given the lifestyle you're leading once more time . Actually the one that really annoys me is when she asks if i'm "seeing someone". There's just something about the way she says it that's annoying. So i had a little disagreement with my mother towards the end of my stay. And they've sort of conitinued on and off for the past week or so. Back to the A-Team, I'd totally do jessica biel. Just thought you should know.

Now if you've looked at my twitter you will know that i've been on 2 dates lately, with the same guy. We have tentative plans for another one tomorrow night. I'm not sure if i should call them dates though. I'm really bad at this stuff and i'm already getting nervous about tomorrow and i dont even know if it's definitely happening. I'm not sure if this guy likes me and here's why. He's not online much which i'm alright with but he doesnt really text me either. He'll respond to my texts but i havent really got an out of the blue text from him. And i dont want to text him to much incase i annoy him or he doesnt like me. I should however say that when he replies to my texts he's really nice. I asked him out last saturday (it was very short notice) and he said he would've loved to but he was meeting friends. So i'm not really sure if he likes me. I think i'm convincing myself that he doesnt like me so i wont be so hurt if it turns out that way. I guess i'll have to wait till tomorrow night and see. On our second date we went to the movies and i was too nervous to even hold his hand, that's how bad i am at this stuff. I cant read signals and stuff. I need to be more confident, easier said than done.

So my last two post have been that story. I got 3 positive comments on the first part and 1 positive comment on the second part so if that continues i'll get 1 negative comment on the third part. I'm not really sure when i'll get the third part done cause i'm sort of writing it as i go, off the cuff. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions i'd welcome them. You'll probably get part three sometime before the end of the week seeing as next week i start back up at uni. I really need to get a job this semester too. i'd love to work at a cinema or something. Just as long as its not in the hospitality/food industry. I've done enough of that already.

At the moment i'm trying to see how long i can go without masturbating. I was meant to start yesterday but that didnt really pan out for me. Now the reason i'm doing this is because i masturbate too much. Also someone told me that if you cum in the same way too much then you wont be able to cum in other ways. Now i'm not sure how true this is but i'm willing to give it a go. So today is day one of my no masturbating challenge. I'm hoping to make it to the weekend at the least. I'm not sure how, or what i'll do with all my extra time so if someone wants to give me some ideas.

I got some cheap canvases this arvo and did some painting. It was fun, even if my painting looked better in my imagination. It's not finished yet and i'm not sure what to do with it. It looks alright from a distance but if you're too close it looks kind of crappy. Its a bit of a landscape but i dont think the colours are quite right. Maybe i'll put a picture of it up at some point. Its in my room at the moment cause i dont want my brother to see it, or his gf.

I'm sure lots of other things have happened but thats all i can think of at the moment. Hope you're all alright.

Confused little me

Where to start. I cant remember what my last post was about, or when i actually did it. So here goes.

I have finished all my exams, for now. I missed one of them due to illness so i'm going to sit a special just before next semester starts. I'm feeling better about engineering but i dont know how i've gone on my exams. I'm hoping it's better than expected.
So i had my last exam on friday and i went from the exam room to the uni bar. It was fun until i made a fool of myself on the way home. It wasnt a pretty sight.
My wisdom teeth are still being bitches. I'm going to see the dentist tomorrow to talk about taking them out so we'll see. I cant wait to get them out even if it's going to cost me more money than i have. My tonsilitus is gone now too so thats good.
My mum came and visited the other day and she thinks i'm dying. Apparently i shake too much and i'm too skinny.I lost about 5 kilos lately, probably due to the tonsilitus, So now i weigh about 75-76kg. Just to put that into perspective, I'm 190cm tall or 6ft2.
Now onto the real drama of my life, guys. I suck at everything to do with guys. I wish my feelings could just be clear cut and instantaneous and everything would be simple. So there are 2 guys at the moment and i'm not sure how i feel about them. So the first one shall be known as the italian. He's of italian heritage and he's in his early 20's. He has a very good career and he seems really nice. The second guy shall be known as ... ummm ... the second guy cause i cant think of a name at the moment. So he's just a couple of months older than me. He's still at uni and he's studying to be a teacher. He speaks french and he seems very nice. Are we seeing a pattern here. I dont know how i feel about either of them. They've both shown some interest, the second guy more than the italian. But i have been talking to the italian for longer than the second guy. However we havent talked lately. I just dont know what to do. I havent had any interest in ages and now i get 2 at once. Yeah. Any hints for me would be muchly appreciated. I spoke to the second guy a lot today and he sent me a really wonderful message. So yeah, i'm confused at the moment.

Also you can look at my twitter if you want. There's a thing down the bottom of my blog. It's really just me saying random shit when i'm bored, or watching masterchef. Its really not that interesting but you can have a look if you want.

As always comments, etc, etc
Hope you're well

I am empty

I am empty. That's me right now. Empty. I have no passion or desire or drive. I'm just empty. I have no idea what i want to do or be in life. I just dont know. I had my exam today and i was actually dreading the phone call from my mum because i knew i'd have to talk about it and i know i did badly. Its going to take a miracle for me to pass, and i've already failed this subject once. I've done nearly two and a half years of engineering and i dont even know if its what i want to do. I dont know what i want to do. I have no idea what i want my career to be. I'm just sitting here, hoping that something will happen, or somemone will say something and i'll be like "YES!! i know what i want to do now".I dont care how i do on my other exams, i really dont give a shit. I've given up.
I hate it when i have times of self doubt because i think about everything that i would change if i could. I've had a great life, dont get me wrong, but i wish i had grown up in town instead of on the farm. It would have made things easier. I could have just hung out with friends without all the planning. I could have made friends easier and been more social. I wish i had come out earlier. Accepted myself earlier and not denied it for so long. Maybe i'd have more friends if i had. I wish i hadnt started my sexual experiences in the way i did. In fact i cant think of any "relationship" stuff i'd keep if i had the opportunity. I feel like i'm missing out on something by not living at a college. Or closer to campus. I feel like i'm missing out on the social side to uni. I feel like i'm missing out because i've only ever lived with my family. I've never had that experience of living with friends and just doing random stuff because you can. I'm not really a spontaneous person. I just wish i was more fun and interesting. Like when we use to do those warm fuzzy comments i always use to get the shit ones like "good at maths" (guess thats kind of why i went into engineering) or "red hair". These non-comments that dont actually mean anything. Even my "friends" wouldnt write overly great comments. one of them wrote "my friend in maths B & C". Thats the only nice thing he could think of from the entire time we knew each other.
Even now my "friends" dont know about me. me and my friends at uni mainly talk about uni. There's nothing really social to it. and i'm probably going to change degrees at some point, maybe next semester so i'll probably never speak to them again.

I just wish i knew what i wanted to be, or what i want to do in life. I just have no passion for anything. I want something that i am passionate about. Something that's challenging and fulfilling. I want that. I just wish i knew where to find it.

Sick, Self-Loathing

Blerg

So i went to the doctor today and i have tonsillitus. I'm also having problems with my wisdom teeth which freaking hurts. I'm hoping the medication for my tonsillitus helps with my wisdom tooth. And i'm hoping i'm all better by my exams. So i'm on medication for my tonsilitus and i'm taking panadol and i'm quickly working my way through throat lozenges. The doctor said i should eat healthy and maybe take some vitamin C. So i'm going to kind of listen to her and drink lots of citrus juice. I'm currently lying in bed with a massive headache so i'm probably going to go pop some more pills. I saw my friends at uni today and mentioned my sore throat. One of them was like "you know what's good for a sore throat, deepthroating" and i was like that's probably what causes it. And my friends laughed, if only they knew the truth. I'm not sure if i'll stay home tomorrow but if i do go to uni i may go a la rachel berry. Me being sick doesnt help with my study either, it hurts when i swallow (I could make jokes here :P)

I would also like to say that i have become self-loathing.
Yes, it's true, I hate my own kind.
Its developed over the past few weeks and i'd like to think it's not without reason. For some reason they just annoy the shit out of me. Yes, over the past few weeks i've developed a severe dislike for redheads. And here's why. There's this girl in one of my classes. She reminds me of princess fiona from shrek, as an ogre. And she comes across a so pretentious. She asks these stupid questions in class and the other week me and my friends were at the refec and she was at a table near us talking on her phone. And her conversation was just so stupid. Amongst other things, she was like, "i'm not feeling well because i didnt have breakfast and i'm pre-menstrual".
WTF!?!
Her conversation was loud but it wasnt quiet either. I didnt say anything to my friends cause i wasnt sure if i'd heard correctly. As we were leaving one of my friends brought it up. I was like i didnt say anything because i thought i'd hadn't heard her properly. And why would you say that to someone. Just so stupid.
Also in the same class there was this red haired guy practically dry humping his girlfriend in the row in front of us. And we were sitting pretty close to the front. I'm pretty sure he wasnt even in our class. I just dont get people that do that in lectures.
Also one of the transit officers called me ginger the other day which didnt overly please me.
And a redhead girl in the library gave me a deathstare yesterday for no apparent reason.

So there it is. I have become a self-loathing redhead.

That's all for now, I should probably try and get some rest.

P.S. Welcome back ethan, I hope things start to look up for you.
P.P.S I may or may not have joined twitter in an effort to increase procrastination. I dont think it's as bad as making youtube videos, I've thought about doing that.

Bigger than the money

I stayed home from uni today because i'm pretty sure i have the flu. My brother is being a massive bitch. My mum is worried about me and i'm pretty sure i'm going to fail all of my exams.

And now to reply to a comment on my last post. Manhunt is scary. And gay people wonder why they get stereotyped as sluts. I've had so many offers for sex it's not funny. However i'm respecting myself and i've decided to block the guys that just want sex. Hopefully i'll come across some guys that dont imediately talk about sex. I know manhunt isnt the ideal place to meet friends but i know there are some good guys out there and it's all i can deal with at the moment

Photodissociation and Photoionization

Photoelectrochemical processes usually involve transforming light into other forms of energy. These processes apply to photochemistry, optically pumped lasers, sensitized solar cells, luminescence, and the effect of reversible change of color upon exposure to light.

The title of this post is taken from a book i am sitting next to in the library and the definition comes from wikipedia. I really know very little (none) about these two processes but i thought it was kinda interesting. Not exactly a light reading book.

So at the moment i am sitting in the library and the library is trying to give me frostbite. Seriously, i dont know what it is but the library is always freezing cold, even in summer. And we're coming into winter now which makes it even worse (although it's a really nice day today).

I know my last couple of posts have been boring but that's what you get when you have a boring life like me. Here are some little tidbits from my day

I got my first offer for money on manhunt since i signed back up. I politely declined. I'm a high class escort, for politicians and athletes :P

Some other guy wanted me to fuck him. I politely declined that offer too. Although being tall is good, apparently.

There's an attractive guy that works in the lolly shop at uni (just so you know)

I couldnt stop looking at the cute guy in my struct lecture today (i've talked about him before). I dont think i was too obvious and he was on the other side of the lecture hall. Although i did see him close up outside after the lecture. His arse looks phenomenal (i only looked briefly, i swear).

I'm beginning to like the drunken noodle at uni less and less. They stuffed up more order yet again. I'm pretty sure they've got it wrong more times than they've got it right. Although i did get a really nice chicken roll from there today so i might just go there for them from now on.

Me and my friend were listening to his ipod during our rather boring 2 hour lecture (the same one with the cute guy, who was in a yellow shirt today, so i sound more stalker like). Back to the ipod. Let's just say i havent heard S Club 7, Shania Twain, Beastie Boys, Aqua, Cher, Ace of Base or Status Quo for quite a while.I think we may have annoyed our third friend a bit.

I passed both my mid-semester tests with varying degrees of success. It doesnt make me any more confident with my finals though. What kind of idiot decides a final worth 70% is a good idea, let alone four around that same size.

For some reason this song was in my head all morning


I've also realised that i'm nearing my hundredth post so that'll be coming in the near future. I'll have to think of a good way to celebrate, something interesting to post anyway.

UMMM hope everything is well with you

my return

I'd just like to say what a wonderful job i have done at procrastinating today. Well i still am procrastinating, otherwise i probably wouldnt be writing this. Not that i havent tried to study, i have. It's just that my lecturer has one of these voices that makes you want to sleep. It must be his accent or something. At least i know if i ever suffer from insomnia i'll be able to go to sleep.

So i was up at 5 this morning and my day at uni was meant to start at 8. Although my day at uni didnt start at all (there were legitiment reasons). But i only had 2 lectures today so i'll watch the recording of them when my focus returns to me. That being said it is one month until my exams. That's not a lot of time.

Also i have rejoined manhunt. Probably not the best idea in the world but i figure i can handle it better than last time. Also i think that i really do need some gay friends. People that i can hang out with and be myself and be comfortable. I'm not going to be doing random hookups or anything. I'm definately sticking to my no action unless i have a bf thing.

As for the coming out drama from my last couple of posts. Ummmm. I've decided i'm not going to lie. Not that i have been, but i havent exactly been open. So if someone asks me if i'm gay i'll tell them. I guess if i do need to tell someone i could tell my friend (the one on my side in our pizza discussion the other night ). He's quite vocal about his opinions and supports gay marriage and everything so i think he'll be fine with it.

So for wasting your time if you read this post

D&M : An Abridged Version

This past weekend was mothers day so i went home for the weekend. I had a great time and my weekend included an unexpected d&m (deep and meaningful) with my mum and sister on Saturday night. I started writing a full recount but i got over it so I'm going to do an abridged version. Mainly because my memory isn't brilliant and i tried telling this story to charlie and did a terrible job at it.

SO, here are all the important points from my deep and meaningful with my mum and sister.

As always we start with my mum talking about me being unhappy, having no social life and doing badly at uni (in her opinion). She thinks i should change degrees and mentions environmental engineering and (surprise, surprise) town planning, for the millionth time. My sister recommends environmental science cause one of her friends is doing it and it's really easy and you get paid shitloads (my words not hers). I politely tell my mum I'm never going to do town planning and while I've so far enjoyed my environmental courses i don't want to do environmental engineering because 1) i don't think my uni offers it and 2) i feel it will be restrictive and if i do civil i can move in lots of different directions. My mum tells me some story about how my sister hated uni for ages but one day she rang her up and said i know this is what i want to do and she says all she ever gets me to say about uni is "its alright".

My perfectionist sister talked about her "mini breakdown" she had the other day and after that she decided to write a to do list of things she wants to do (obviously). Some of hers matched up with things i want to do so here is my list;
1) I wish i could speak a second language. Me and my sister have decided to try and learn German. We chose German cause we've both learnt a bit before (although she's much better than me) and i figured it would be easier to learn a language based on the alphabet instead of something like japanese or mandarin where we'd have to learn completely new characters.
2) I really want to buy the complete tomorrow, when the war began series by john marsden (I dont really have time to read them at the moment but i still want to buy them, something to do on the holidays).
3) Get back into my art. When i was younger i use to love painting and drawing. I may not be brilliant but it was fun so i might go and buy a canvas some time soon. Cause it's good to have a hobby.
4) My sister mentioned something about going to a cooking class and i mentioned that i was thinking of buying a cookbook seeing as the masterchef one i have is up to shite. They're kinda the same right?
5) Travel around the world
I think that is the end of my list. My sister had more but i think 5 is good enough for me. So that little conversation led to my mum and her "to do" list. My sister mentioned how my mum use to write all these funny little short stories. And my mum says when we were younger she really wanted to replace pat mcdermott?? from the womans weekly (womans weekly is a magazine and that woman has a column where she writes about funny things that happen to her family, she has 5 kids just like my mum) and that she has always wanted to write a book. She told us her ideas for her book including the pseudonym she would write under (it was kinda obvious but a little funny). My mum then mentions that lately she has been thinking about writing a book about me, my life from her perspective. This makes my sister cry and she says that she would be so proud if my mum actually did this. This makes my mum tear up a bit and my mum says she'd write books about all of the kids. I say but mine would be first and that's all that matters (its a joke). To be honest it did make me well up a little and she had a title for it and everything. We both told my mum she should write a book if that's what she wants to do. She works far too much and hates her job and has lots of holidays owing so she could do it. My mum says she wouldn't know where to start if she were to write a book about me. I say how about you start with the story of how i use to reming you of my dad's dad when you use to nurse me to sleep at night (he died unexpectedly from a brain aneurysm in his forties, before my parents were even married). I tried to tell the story to charlie but i did a terrible job at it so i wont repeat it here. My mum didn't know i knew this story but i overheard her telling one of her friends on the phone one day (not sure how that topic came up). So my mum tells the story to my sister. She also talks about my birth and how different it was from my siblings and she almost gave birth to me on the floor because she didn't know she was in labor with me and i was such a placid baby. She also talks about how i use to have tantrums when i was about 2 where i would sit at the end of the hallway and just hold my breath until i turned blue. I kinda gave my mum a hard time. This then leads to me talking about her father. I mention that i know that i remind her of him and i say the only thing i know about your dad is in primary school i had to do a family tree and you told me to put him as deceased (my mums dad isn't talked about in my family, ever, hence why i think me looking like him isn't a good thing). My mum tells me she hates family trees. My sister says did you think he was dead all this time. I say i suspected he was alive but i don't know. My mum says he is deceased. I then ask her if he is dead. She says no. I then ask if she and her brother are full siblings or only half siblings because for a number of years i have suspected that they were only half siblings because one Christmas my mum said something about her brothers dad being there. And me being younger got a little confused seeing as my mum said her dad was dead. I should point out that i have only ever known my grandmother as a single woman. So it turns out one of my grandfathers is still alive.

We also talked about my sexuality. My sister asked me what my type was. My response was old guys with grey hair, around the age of sixty. Then i was like i don't know, i guess it depends on my mood. then my mum and my sister were like who do you think is hot and they were naming people like hugh jackman and paul mcdermott and I'm like i don't know, why are you picking old guys. And my sister was like well we watched the logies the other day, name a young actor you think is hot. I had real trouble thinking of one but eventually I'm like, i guess lincoln lewis is alright. And my sister was like so you like the buff surfie type. Can you tell it was incredibly awkward for me. Something about being around my mum and my sister stifled my homosexual desires. My mum also asked if i was bi and i said i dont know. Then we got to talking about my sex life, which was incredibly awkward. I was just staring at my game of freecell on the laptop the entire time (i won three games so yay for me). I told a little lie and said i had only been with 3 guys. I told her about my first boyfriend, honestly. Saying that we went out for about a month (boyfriends for all of 2 weeks) And we did things but not full blown sex. She was disappointed in me. Disappointed that i didnt wait longer. My sister told me that mum was disappointed that she didnt wait longer with her boyfriend (they've been together for over 6 years now). They kept asking about the other 2 guys but i didnt say anything and my sister realised it was awkward for me so we moved on. I actually think this bit came before the bit about the to do list but i cant really remember. Also my littlest brother (he's nearly 12) was around for a bit of this but i think he left before we talked about my sex life.

Somewhere in here we talked about me moving out of home (in brisbane) as well (i've never lived with anyone who wasnt family and i wouldnt mind experiencing it at some point) and the fact that my brother is annoyed with me because i dont have a job even though i probably spend more time on my studies then he does at work.

So that was my d&m with the females of my family. Given the length of this abridged post i bet you're glad i didnt do a detailed one. What can i say, it was a long talk. If you want to say anything leave a comment.

P.S. my mum talked to me a bit sunday morning and said she was reading about drop out and failure rates for engineering and she said i was doing really well and she was proud of me but i should try to have more fun. I also noticed she started writing the story she wanted to but i didnt read because she said not too.

Q&A

So i thought i should post these over here so if you had any more questions or comments about my answers you can leave a comment below or ask anonomously on my formspring page (link at the side).

you come home from a long day of classes. i'm sitting on your bed in your room. you had no idea i would be there. i'm butt naked. erect. smiling. i say hello. what do you do? screaming is not an option. guns are not permitted.
Wow. I'd be shocked and probably lost for words. As for what happens next, that depends on who you are and how well i know you. But rest assured you'd have a really good time. I think i'd lead with a kiss


i think you told us you've never bottom. am i to assume you prefer being top?
I dont know what i prefer. It's a bit hard to say i prefer one when i havent bottomed yet. ideally i'd like to be versatile but i dont know. I havent cum while topping so i dont know. Maybe i'm meant to be a bottom


do you liked to be chased or are you the chaser?
Ideally it would be a bit of both but if i had to choose i'd say be chased. I dont think i'm very good at chasing and i tend to get annoyed if i always have to start the conversations and make the plans and everything


assuming you're white, would you date a hot black or mexican guy?
Of course. Race really isnt important to me. That being said i've never met a mexican or african american. I have been with some people from the middle east though.


are you a pimp, preppy, or grung dresser?
I dont think i fit into any of these ones. Usually i just wear shorts, a t-shirt and my thongs


In terms of your ideal guy, do you prefer smooth or hairy?
I think i tend to go for guys on the smoother side. A little bit of hair is fine but i dont think i could handle to much.


Have you every had sex with your best friend? Any family members?
No. Incest is not cool. No to the friends too


What would be your ideal spring break vacation?
We dont really have spring break in australia. Ideally i'd love to travel the world and see places i've never been to. One place that i've been to and really liked was Queenstown in New Zealand.


You write" I'm a slut"? Please describe what you mean by this?
I have been sexually promiscous


How many times a day do you jack off? Have you eaten your own cum?
It depends on how i'm feeling but it's usually 2 times. Maybe 3. If i'm really in the mood i could reach 5. And yes i have tasted my own cum.


Have you ever been in love?
I dont know. Probably not. I said i loved sexy abs but i dont think i really did. I think it was more infatuation


do you have an allsorts group (queer networking) at uni? i asked ages ago and never had a response. if yes, GO TO IT.
There is some sort of group but i dont think i'd feel comfortable in it. From what i've seen they... i dont think i'd fit in. Also my friends at uni would probably find out which may not work out so well


What is your ideal guy? Or what kind of guys you are not into?
Hmmm. Sense of humour and intelligence would be good in a guy. I tend not to go for feminine guys. Well overly feminine guys


do u have low self-esteem?
Yeah. Kinda. Its a combination of low self esteem and low self confidence


How many guys have fucked you?
I've never been a bottom. It's not that i dont want to but i'd prefer my first time to be with soemone i really liked and not just some random. It'll happen eventually

These aren't all the questions i've answered, just a few i picked out, so go over to my formspring page and have a look. I've tried to be as honest as possible

KINKY!!!!

And my terrible choice in guys continues. I dont know what it is but i seem to attract the wrong guys. All i want is a nice guy who is sweet and charming and wants me as much as i want him. Instead I get crappy ones. Let me use a list to demonstrate.
~The guy that had a boyfriend i didn't know about (until i found out in the worst possible way)
~The guy that said he would rape me
~The guy that was ignoring me, but apparently not ignoring me, who's now gone back to ignoring me after saying he doesnt want a boyfriend, only friends with benefits
~The guy that wanted to train me as his submissive
~The guy that wants to spank and cane me while i am in a school uniform (i'll admit the schoolboy fantasy could be good but i dont know about the pain)
~The guy that wanted me to dominate him
~The guy that was into pain, humiliation and puppy play (i was like oh, fuck when he said tasers)
Not to mention all my other failures such as phil and awkward silence guy (so they're not really bad guys but they didnt turn out the way i had hoped either).

I dont know what it is but something about my manhunt profile must scream kinky. I dont know what it is, but it must be there. I just attract kinky guys. But here's the thing. I have to meet guys on the internet, to start with at least. Like i can't meet gay guys by accident or anything, it just doesn't happen.
Case in point - I'm talking to phil the other night and he was like guess what happenned to me the yesterday. I was like what. And he said, the guy behind me in a lecture the other day passed me a note saying he liked my pants and asking where i got them and we kept passing notes back and forth and he asked me to add him to facebook. I was like that would never happen in any of my lectures. And i mean it, i can't even imagine that happening in my classes. It was like bronco and the random guy in queen street all over again.

And the other day i was at the uni bar and i saw these gay guys (i dont have a very good gaydar but i think it was a fair guess). Now i would never even consider going up to them and just talking. Or anything like that. I just couldn't do it. If they started talking to me i might have a conversation but even thats not for sure.

So yeah, the moral of todays rant is i suck at being gay.

And now for some explaining on the last post. Yes it was a letter to myself. It didnt exactly come out the way i had planned in my head but it was a good idea at the time. I wasn't having a go at anyone with my first paragraph. It was just a little joke about how i hadnt been asked any questions. I know i have readers and i know people leave comments and i'm very grateful for that. I was trying to look at my life from 2 different perspectives and i thought it would be a good idea to know how i was feeling so i could come back and look at it in the future. So in like a year or something i could see how far i had progressed. That's all.

As always comments are appreciated. If you want to ask me anythign the link is on the side. Have a good day

Watertight?

So i am now back at uni. 2 Days in and i'm already a tad annoyed. Anyways, this is just going to be a post full of random things that have been happening.

~I woke up at 7 this morning which means i slept in. OK, so i know it doesnt sound like much but i never sleep in. Like ever. I did actually wake up at 5.30 but i went back to sleep which doesnt usually happen so yay for me.

~I finally put some songs on my mp3. I havent downloaded any off the net yet but it does have some songs on it. This is the first song that went on there and i love it.


~I've decided i'm going to be less of a slut and focus on uni more.

~I was a bit depressed on the weekend due to the fact i have no friends. Well no close friends. I'm over it now but it's still kinda there in the back.

~I'm loving all the rain at the moment

~Me and my uni friends have decided we're going to try and go to the uni pub once a week. Which should be good. We're also trying to organise a social sporting team. For some reason we are talking about water polo. I'm not too keen on water polo because i know i'd suck and i assume i'd have to wear a speedo and i dont think anyone wants to see that. I think it keeps coming up because it's the cheapest of the options. Personally i want to do european handball but i dont think we'll get organised and do any sport.

~Work is alright. I'm working much less now that uni has started which is good. The title comes from something we were talking about at work. It's a bit rude/sexual if you dont get it.

Thanks for reading my random crap. As always comments are welcome.

Men and friends and valentines

I have never had a valentine. Its true. I'm 19 years old and i've never even recieved a mystery card. This year i will be spending valentines day with the family. I'm going back to see them for the first time since i came out. So i'm kinda nervous and i dont know what will happen. I'm hoping nothing because both my little brothers will be there and neither of them know. But i do know that i wont be staying up late to watch tv because then i will have to talk to my mum, and yeah.

I also went out last night with friends from uni. It was good to see them again and i had fun. We went to the fox for a couple of drinks then we went to the down under club in the city. It was just nice to spend time with them socially and talk about crap and feel like one of the group. However, i wont be coming out to them any time soon. In reality i probably wont come out to them ever. They're nice people but i dont want to spend the rest of my uni years alone. I dont think they'd take it well.

Work has been so dead lately. We have pretty much nothing to do which means crap jobs like cleaning for me. But we always have really great discussions at work about lots of different random things such as horses, gambling, sport, politics, religion, sex and the law. The other day we were talking about prince charming syndrome. One of the girls at work suffers from prince charming syndrome. She's old fashioned and she expects some rich, handsome guy to come and sweep her off her feet. Its just not going to happen. This lead on to us talking about marriage. Now this really got me thinking. I mean will i ever find a guy that loves me and wants to be with me forever? Would we even be able to get married? Do i even want to get married? What would our wedding look like? Does one of us have to wear white? Work was boring so my mind just kept wandering. I've never really thought about marriage before, I mean i dont even know if it will happen. I need to meet a guy first i guess.
P.S. I dont suffer from prince charming syndrome. Its called being realistic.

Lately i've been talking to more guys than i usually do. Some of them are really nice, including the guy with the eyes, some of them are just after action. I dont see it happeing soon but i'd really love a boyfriend. Someone to snuggle with and keep me company, not just sex. One guy seemed quite intereste in me but i dont think the feeling is mutual. He seemed very stereotypically gay. Which i dont really go for. I guess i should talk to him more though.

Also a big thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. If you havent left a comment but have some advice go back and leave a comment. Lets face it, i need all the help i can get.

Thats all :P (sorry it was a bit all over the place)

Virginity

So i've been thinking about this for a while. And while i dont see it happenning any time soon i figure i should be getting prepared for it. So i've never been a bottom before and i'm just wondering. How do you prepare for? What's the best position for your first time? How fast or slow do you go?

There's so much i dont know and any help you can give would be appreciated.

It's official

So i talked to phil last night. And i said someting about wanting a boyfriend. And he said he wanted a boyfriend. then he said i know you really like me, butyou d=just want to be friends y'know. I said i dont know if i really like you :P But i had knda hope you would like me but i knew it would't happen. And he said i'd still like to be friends with you. You're a pretty cool cat. And i said of course i still want to be friends wth you. And to be honest i'm kinda already getting over you.

So thats that. I have a new friends in phil. And hopefully someday soon i'll meet a great guy that'll sweep me off my feet and we'll fall in love (i dont see it happening though).

Thats all

P.S. I had sex last night *blush*
but i dont think you guys are interested in hearing about that (the again i could be wrong)

SEX

This is the third recount about my life changing couple of past days. I didn't really do anything saturday. I just kinda lazed around the house and had "me time". four lots of me time in fact. I also had a, ummm, sexual thing saturday night but i dont know if i should talk about that. What do you guys think?