And my terrible choice in guys continues. I dont know what it is but i seem to attract the wrong guys. All i want is a nice guy who is sweet and charming and wants me as much as i want him. Instead I get crappy ones. Let me use a list to demonstrate.
~The guy that had a boyfriend i didn't know about (until i found out in the worst possible way)
~The guy that said he would rape me
~The guy that was ignoring me, but apparently not ignoring me, who's now gone back to ignoring me after saying he doesnt want a boyfriend, only friends with benefits
~The guy that wanted to train me as his submissive
~The guy that wants to spank and cane me while i am in a school uniform (i'll admit the schoolboy fantasy could be good but i dont know about the pain)
~The guy that wanted me to dominate him
~The guy that was into pain, humiliation and puppy play (i was like oh, fuck when he said tasers)
Not to mention all my other failures such as phil and awkward silence guy (so they're not really bad guys but they didnt turn out the way i had hoped either).
I dont know what it is but something about my manhunt profile must scream kinky. I dont know what it is, but it must be there. I just attract kinky guys. But here's the thing. I have to meet guys on the internet, to start with at least. Like i can't meet gay guys by accident or anything, it just doesn't happen.
Case in point - I'm talking to phil the other night and he was like guess what happenned to me the yesterday. I was like what. And he said, the guy behind me in a lecture the other day passed me a note saying he liked my pants and asking where i got them and we kept passing notes back and forth and he asked me to add him to facebook. I was like that would never happen in any of my lectures. And i mean it, i can't even imagine that happening in my classes. It was like bronco and the random guy in queen street all over again.
And the other day i was at the uni bar and i saw these gay guys (i dont have a very good gaydar but i think it was a fair guess). Now i would never even consider going up to them and just talking. Or anything like that. I just couldn't do it. If they started talking to me i might have a conversation but even thats not for sure.
So yeah, the moral of todays rant is i suck at being gay.
And now for some explaining on the last post. Yes it was a letter to myself. It didnt exactly come out the way i had planned in my head but it was a good idea at the time. I wasn't having a go at anyone with my first paragraph. It was just a little joke about how i hadnt been asked any questions. I know i have readers and i know people leave comments and i'm very grateful for that. I was trying to look at my life from 2 different perspectives and i thought it would be a good idea to know how i was feeling so i could come back and look at it in the future. So in like a year or something i could see how far i had progressed. That's all.
As always comments are appreciated. If you want to ask me anythign the link is on the side. Have a good day
Showing posts with label Phil. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Phil. Show all posts
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Busy, Busy, Busy - Part 2
Welcome back to another episode of my big fat shitty life.
I feel terrible at the moment. I'm so stressed over uni. Two weeks in and i'm convinced i'm going to fail something. Who the hell decides that final exams worth 70% are a good idea. So i've already handed in two lots of assessment and i have another 3 due next week. I dont see this going well. Also i'm getting sick. Or i am already sick. I have a sore throat and my nose is all stuffed up and i just feel tired. I live with 2 pigs and they obviously dont understand the concept of cleaning. I know i'm not perfect but they can be disgusting. Also as of yesterday i have a lump near my right nipple. It's like right next to it and it's kinda sore. I showed my brother and he said it might just be a lymph node but i dont know. My family does have a big history of breast cancer and i know guys can get it. I just...I dont know. Maybe i'm burning the candle at both ends. So back to the continuation of my last post.
So on monday i had a date. I'd been talking to this guy for a couple of days and i'd sent him some texts while i was at the 21st so on monday afternoon we met. He just recently moved to brisbane and he lives close by, but not really (technically i think he lives in Ipswich). So on monday afternoon i drove out to his place and picked him up(because i'm a gentleman). So he came out of his house and he was wearing long black pants and a button up shirt. He looked good. He's the same height as me and he has blackish hair and he's a little tanned. He's an attractive guy. So we talked while i drove us to the cinemas. He seemed really nice and he's much more confident then me. He's out and we talked about me coming out and he said he wanted to help me. So we got to the cinema and had some time to spare so I managed to convince him to go to a games arcade with me. we played a couple of games and he said he didnt like to play games cause he got competitive so i felt a little bad for making him play. So we went to the cinemas and bought our tickets and just hung around till we could go in. I felt really nervous. We went to see The wolfman. We decided to see it because neither of us really like horror movies and this was the scariest one on. So it was us and some random guy that sat towards the front in the cinema (we were at the back). So we played wheel of fortune on his phone while we waited for the movie to start. I accidently called him handsome. Then the movie started and we were kinda sitting there and i could feel his little finger kind of brushing against my leg. I let it go for a while then i leant over and gave him a really quick kiss in the cheek. I moved away from him so fast. I was blushing. Then i leant back over to tell him it was for playing air hockey with me and he turned around and kissed me. we kissed 2 or 3 more times and it was great. I could have melted. So then we started holding hands. We watched the rest of the movie, making out every so often and holding each other in the scary parts. He made me blush a couple of times. He called me delicious and kissed me and he could see me blushing in the dark of the cinema. Every so often he would try and feel my package but i fended him off. I told him not on a first date. So the movie finished and i drove him home and he had his hand on my leg while we were driving. It was nice. So i parked in front of his house and we made out for a while in the car (maybe 20 minutes or so). He's a really good kisser and i was pretty much hard the whole time. He tried to grab my cock a couple of times and i blocked him and he asked for "just a little taste". It was funny and cute. After a while we got out of the car and we hugged and i just couldn't help it. I pushed him against the car and started making out again. He said he could feel my cock and i said i couldn't help it. He asked me if i wanted him to take care of it. I said yes, but not yet. we need to have at least 2 dates before you get to touch it. So after a while he said he should probably go and i gave him a hug (it was great) and a kiss on the cheek (cause originally i said he might get a kiss on the cheek at the end of the night if he was lucky). I asked him about a second date and he said definately. HOWEVER, I havent heard from him all week. I've sent him a couple of texts but no reply. I'm hoping there's an explaination like he's run out of credit or something but i dont know.
Also i've been thinking about coming out a bit. Well quite a bit. Then last night, with some helpful encouragement from princess i changed my interested in on facebook. It now says i like guys as well as girls eventually i'll change it to just guys. I've decided i'm not going to address it unless someone asks. I'm not going to make a point of it but it is there for anyone to see. So i changed it and i asked phil (i was talking ot him at the time) to go and look at my facebook page. He saw it and congratulated me. It made me feel a little better.
I have tonnes of other shits to talk about but this will do for now. As always if you have any questions you want to ask me leave a comment. I will do my best to answer them.
I feel terrible at the moment. I'm so stressed over uni. Two weeks in and i'm convinced i'm going to fail something. Who the hell decides that final exams worth 70% are a good idea. So i've already handed in two lots of assessment and i have another 3 due next week. I dont see this going well. Also i'm getting sick. Or i am already sick. I have a sore throat and my nose is all stuffed up and i just feel tired. I live with 2 pigs and they obviously dont understand the concept of cleaning. I know i'm not perfect but they can be disgusting. Also as of yesterday i have a lump near my right nipple. It's like right next to it and it's kinda sore. I showed my brother and he said it might just be a lymph node but i dont know. My family does have a big history of breast cancer and i know guys can get it. I just...I dont know. Maybe i'm burning the candle at both ends. So back to the continuation of my last post.
So on monday i had a date. I'd been talking to this guy for a couple of days and i'd sent him some texts while i was at the 21st so on monday afternoon we met. He just recently moved to brisbane and he lives close by, but not really (technically i think he lives in Ipswich). So on monday afternoon i drove out to his place and picked him up(because i'm a gentleman). So he came out of his house and he was wearing long black pants and a button up shirt. He looked good. He's the same height as me and he has blackish hair and he's a little tanned. He's an attractive guy. So we talked while i drove us to the cinemas. He seemed really nice and he's much more confident then me. He's out and we talked about me coming out and he said he wanted to help me. So we got to the cinema and had some time to spare so I managed to convince him to go to a games arcade with me. we played a couple of games and he said he didnt like to play games cause he got competitive so i felt a little bad for making him play. So we went to the cinemas and bought our tickets and just hung around till we could go in. I felt really nervous. We went to see The wolfman. We decided to see it because neither of us really like horror movies and this was the scariest one on. So it was us and some random guy that sat towards the front in the cinema (we were at the back). So we played wheel of fortune on his phone while we waited for the movie to start. I accidently called him handsome. Then the movie started and we were kinda sitting there and i could feel his little finger kind of brushing against my leg. I let it go for a while then i leant over and gave him a really quick kiss in the cheek. I moved away from him so fast. I was blushing. Then i leant back over to tell him it was for playing air hockey with me and he turned around and kissed me. we kissed 2 or 3 more times and it was great. I could have melted. So then we started holding hands. We watched the rest of the movie, making out every so often and holding each other in the scary parts. He made me blush a couple of times. He called me delicious and kissed me and he could see me blushing in the dark of the cinema. Every so often he would try and feel my package but i fended him off. I told him not on a first date. So the movie finished and i drove him home and he had his hand on my leg while we were driving. It was nice. So i parked in front of his house and we made out for a while in the car (maybe 20 minutes or so). He's a really good kisser and i was pretty much hard the whole time. He tried to grab my cock a couple of times and i blocked him and he asked for "just a little taste". It was funny and cute. After a while we got out of the car and we hugged and i just couldn't help it. I pushed him against the car and started making out again. He said he could feel my cock and i said i couldn't help it. He asked me if i wanted him to take care of it. I said yes, but not yet. we need to have at least 2 dates before you get to touch it. So after a while he said he should probably go and i gave him a hug (it was great) and a kiss on the cheek (cause originally i said he might get a kiss on the cheek at the end of the night if he was lucky). I asked him about a second date and he said definately. HOWEVER, I havent heard from him all week. I've sent him a couple of texts but no reply. I'm hoping there's an explaination like he's run out of credit or something but i dont know.
Also i've been thinking about coming out a bit. Well quite a bit. Then last night, with some helpful encouragement from princess i changed my interested in on facebook. It now says i like guys as well as girls eventually i'll change it to just guys. I've decided i'm not going to address it unless someone asks. I'm not going to make a point of it but it is there for anyone to see. So i changed it and i asked phil (i was talking ot him at the time) to go and look at my facebook page. He saw it and congratulated me. It made me feel a little better.
I have tonnes of other shits to talk about but this will do for now. As always if you have any questions you want to ask me leave a comment. I will do my best to answer them.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
It's official
So i talked to phil last night. And i said someting about wanting a boyfriend. And he said he wanted a boyfriend. then he said i know you really like me, butyou d=just want to be friends y'know. I said i dont know if i really like you :P But i had knda hope you would like me but i knew it would't happen. And he said i'd still like to be friends with you. You're a pretty cool cat. And i said of course i still want to be friends wth you. And to be honest i'm kinda already getting over you.
So thats that. I have a new friends in phil. And hopefully someday soon i'll meet a great guy that'll sweep me off my feet and we'll fall in love (i dont see it happening though).
Thats all
P.S. I had sex last night *blush*
but i dont think you guys are interested in hearing about that (the again i could be wrong)
So thats that. I have a new friends in phil. And hopefully someday soon i'll meet a great guy that'll sweep me off my feet and we'll fall in love (i dont see it happening though).
Thats all
P.S. I had sex last night *blush*
but i dont think you guys are interested in hearing about that (the again i could be wrong)
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Let me live vicariously
So this is my very small update on phil and my life.
So phil came over the other night and i'm 99.99% sure that we're just going to be friends. We had fun but nothing happened. We watched our movies, he taught me to knit and we just hung out. He met my brother briefly and my brother seemed to like him. Apparently Phil reminded my brother of clark kent. My brother also asked me, ever so politely, "did you get some?". No i didn't get anything.
I've decided to talk to phil a bit less, instead of pretty much everynight. I thought of trying to make him jealous but i dont think it would work.
In other news:
I had a rather awkward conversaion with my brothers girlfriend yesterday. It was about my sexuality. We've never really talked about it before and it was just weird. I know she was trying to be nice but i dont feel that comfortable with her. Also we were watching So You Think You Can Dance Australia last night. It was her choice not mine (i told her as soon as i heard the word journey i was changing the channel). Then she asked me if any of my friends liked the show ( i knew she meant my gay friends. I dont have that many). I was like i dont know. And then she was like i reckon they would (mmmmm stereotypes). I didn't say anything.
Also, Big news.
I bought my frst ever pair of skinny jeans yesterday. This is kinda a big deal. I always said i would never wear skinny jeans but now i own a pair. They're just a plain black pair so i hope they look alright on me. I think i need to get used to them. I wont be wearing them to uni though. I also bought a new shirt and some new undies. I dont want to sound up myself but i tihnk the undies look pretty good on me.
One last thing.
A big big shoutout to my stalker charlie. There's a link to his blog on the side. I wont say too much but we have some freaky coincidences in our lives. Cool Charlie may also be able to tell you if my new undies look good on me, or maybe not. He's such a closet size queen :P (you should know i'm joking aout charlie. He's really nice and not at all weird)
So phil came over the other night and i'm 99.99% sure that we're just going to be friends. We had fun but nothing happened. We watched our movies, he taught me to knit and we just hung out. He met my brother briefly and my brother seemed to like him. Apparently Phil reminded my brother of clark kent. My brother also asked me, ever so politely, "did you get some?". No i didn't get anything.
I've decided to talk to phil a bit less, instead of pretty much everynight. I thought of trying to make him jealous but i dont think it would work.
In other news:
I had a rather awkward conversaion with my brothers girlfriend yesterday. It was about my sexuality. We've never really talked about it before and it was just weird. I know she was trying to be nice but i dont feel that comfortable with her. Also we were watching So You Think You Can Dance Australia last night. It was her choice not mine (i told her as soon as i heard the word journey i was changing the channel). Then she asked me if any of my friends liked the show ( i knew she meant my gay friends. I dont have that many). I was like i dont know. And then she was like i reckon they would (mmmmm stereotypes). I didn't say anything.
Also, Big news.
I bought my frst ever pair of skinny jeans yesterday. This is kinda a big deal. I always said i would never wear skinny jeans but now i own a pair. They're just a plain black pair so i hope they look alright on me. I think i need to get used to them. I wont be wearing them to uni though. I also bought a new shirt and some new undies. I dont want to sound up myself but i tihnk the undies look pretty good on me.
One last thing.
A big big shoutout to my stalker charlie. There's a link to his blog on the side. I wont say too much but we have some freaky coincidences in our lives. Cool Charlie may also be able to tell you if my new undies look good on me, or maybe not. He's such a closet size queen :P (you should know i'm joking aout charlie. He's really nice and not at all weird)
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Dilemmas
So phil is coming over to my house for our movie marathon tomorrow. And i'd just like to share this excerpt from our conversation tonight.
Tommy says:
yeah
but i hate to say this
but i kinda get mixed signals from you
maybe its cause i cant read signals
Phil says:
Maybe that's it xD.
Tommy says:
well you could clear it up for me
just so i know
Phil says:
I don't know, hey.
Let's just not define it by anything =]
Tommy says:
ok
well just so you know
i'm fine if you just want to be friends
i'm also fine if you want more
i kinda just wish i knew how you felt
Phil says:
You and me both, buddy.
Tommy says:
ok
i kinda feel silly for bringing it up now
Phil says:
Haha, don't feel silly.
Silliness is overrated.
So that doesn't really clear things up. Maybe he's like DJ. I hope he isn't though.
Also my boss is a bit of a bastard and he's making me start work early and finish late because i'm taking a day off.
And i love ross noble by the way. He's so funny.I'm only mentioning it because he's on tv at the moment
Also have a bit of a dilemma. My sister added me as a friend on facebook. And i dot now if i should accept. I donthave any of my family on there. But maybe i should accept. The thing i worry about is that she'll find the few gay friends i have on there and then she'll tell my mum. And yeah. She'll know what 'm doing and what not.
Should i add her??
P.S. I have 25 followers now. YAY!! thanks every one
Tommy says:
yeah
but i hate to say this
but i kinda get mixed signals from you
maybe its cause i cant read signals
Phil says:
Maybe that's it xD.
Tommy says:
well you could clear it up for me
just so i know
Phil says:
I don't know, hey.
Let's just not define it by anything =]
Tommy says:
ok
well just so you know
i'm fine if you just want to be friends
i'm also fine if you want more
i kinda just wish i knew how you felt
Phil says:
You and me both, buddy.
Tommy says:
ok
i kinda feel silly for bringing it up now
Phil says:
Haha, don't feel silly.
Silliness is overrated.
So that doesn't really clear things up. Maybe he's like DJ. I hope he isn't though.
Also my boss is a bit of a bastard and he's making me start work early and finish late because i'm taking a day off.
And i love ross noble by the way. He's so funny.I'm only mentioning it because he's on tv at the moment
Also have a bit of a dilemma. My sister added me as a friend on facebook. And i dot now if i should accept. I donthave any of my family on there. But maybe i should accept. The thing i worry about is that she'll find the few gay friends i have on there and then she'll tell my mum. And yeah. She'll know what 'm doing and what not.
Should i add her??
P.S. I have 25 followers now. YAY!! thanks every one
Sunday, January 31, 2010
OOH LA LA LA
So i'm not in the best of moods today. I can't stop thinking about phil but i know i should because i'm overthinking it and just makin things worse. Hopefully i'll get to talk to him tonight. We're meant to be seein each other this week for our movie marathon so fingers crossed that goes well. I haven't really gotte out of my bed today and i don plan too. So yeah
Watch these
I really like this song (but this is the best video i could find for it)
i also wanted to put hurricane by faker up here but i couldn't find one to embed from youtube.
Watch these
I really like this song (but this is the best video i could find for it)
i also wanted to put hurricane by faker up here but i couldn't find one to embed from youtube.
I dont think he likes me
:(
So i have just returned form clubbin wit phil and his friends. I though i would do this post while still suffering frm alcohol and sleep deprevation.
I dont think he likes me. I got in there he introduced me to his friends at that was it. Thatwas pretty much all the attention i got from him all night. I dont know what i was expecting but t didn't happen. I probably spent more time with his lesbian friend. She asked me what my intentions were with phil. I said it wa up to him. but do you like him. yes. then we talked about uni and work and what not. I didn't get any signals from him at all and him and his friend seem to be very...umm...comfortable wit each othr. So yeah. i dont know. Maybe he'll be different n tuesday whene watch movies and his friends aren't there. I dont know.
I'm fine with friends if thats all hew wabnts.But i just wish i knew.
:S
So i have just returned form clubbin wit phil and his friends. I though i would do this post while still suffering frm alcohol and sleep deprevation.
I dont think he likes me. I got in there he introduced me to his friends at that was it. Thatwas pretty much all the attention i got from him all night. I dont know what i was expecting but t didn't happen. I probably spent more time with his lesbian friend. She asked me what my intentions were with phil. I said it wa up to him. but do you like him. yes. then we talked about uni and work and what not. I didn't get any signals from him at all and him and his friend seem to be very...umm...comfortable wit each othr. So yeah. i dont know. Maybe he'll be different n tuesday whene watch movies and his friends aren't there. I dont know.
I'm fine with friends if thats all hew wabnts.But i just wish i knew.
:S
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Brisbanite
So i've found another blogger from brisbane.
Everyone has to go and look at cool charlie loves his life (there's a link at the side)
So he's from brisbane. And he goes to uni. And he studies in the same (admittedly broad) field as me. So we seem to have a fair bit in common which is pretty cool.
His blog is pretty new so go have a look at it and leave plenty of comments.
In other news
I still dont know what to do about tonight. I mean i'd like to go out but you have no idea how nervous/scared i am. I've never been to the beat before and i'm a naturally shy person. When i went to the wickham i just sat at the edge of the dancefloor and didn't say anything all night. I was so freaked out. Well not freaked out but it was all very new to me and my heart was going so fast. But having my arse grabbed did freak me out a bit. Yeah, maybe i should make up an excuse and we can go another time. I dont know. I do like phil and we are seeing each other tuesday so maybe i should just wait till then to see him. :$
Oh and i always attract the weird guys on manhunt :(
Everyone has to go and look at cool charlie loves his life (there's a link at the side)
So he's from brisbane. And he goes to uni. And he studies in the same (admittedly broad) field as me. So we seem to have a fair bit in common which is pretty cool.
His blog is pretty new so go have a look at it and leave plenty of comments.
In other news
I still dont know what to do about tonight. I mean i'd like to go out but you have no idea how nervous/scared i am. I've never been to the beat before and i'm a naturally shy person. When i went to the wickham i just sat at the edge of the dancefloor and didn't say anything all night. I was so freaked out. Well not freaked out but it was all very new to me and my heart was going so fast. But having my arse grabbed did freak me out a bit. Yeah, maybe i should make up an excuse and we can go another time. I dont know. I do like phil and we are seeing each other tuesday so maybe i should just wait till then to see him. :$
Oh and i always attract the weird guys on manhunt :(
I'm scared
So i've never been to the beat before. The beat is like the gay club in brissie btw.
So i've never been to the beat before and now phil has asked me to go tomorrow night. Well tonight actually given how late i'm writing this. And he helped me pick out an outfit via webcam but i dont know if i'll go. He said he was going with friends so i dont want to interrupt or interfere or be a burden. I've never been there before and i'm really scared about going. It's not like i'm attractive and i cant dance. And the thing is because phil is having pre drinks at a friends place i'd have to meet him there. And that scares me. what happens if he doesn't turn up. what happens if people i know are in the valley and pass me lining up to get into the beat. If i had someone to go with i'd be fine. But i'm really going there alone. I have no one to have pre-drinks with. No one to sit with me on the train. No one to stand with me in line. Heck i dont even know if i'll be able to find the beat or phil. Oh, and it would be at like 11.30pm. which is pretty early but still. I'd be on a late night train by myself. He suggested i go with some one. But who. I dont really have anyone to take me to the beat besides him. he suggested bronco but i dont think that'll happen. I just wish things were easier.
BTW i think i know how i feel about phil.
So i've never been to the beat before and now phil has asked me to go tomorrow night. Well tonight actually given how late i'm writing this. And he helped me pick out an outfit via webcam but i dont know if i'll go. He said he was going with friends so i dont want to interrupt or interfere or be a burden. I've never been there before and i'm really scared about going. It's not like i'm attractive and i cant dance. And the thing is because phil is having pre drinks at a friends place i'd have to meet him there. And that scares me. what happens if he doesn't turn up. what happens if people i know are in the valley and pass me lining up to get into the beat. If i had someone to go with i'd be fine. But i'm really going there alone. I have no one to have pre-drinks with. No one to sit with me on the train. No one to stand with me in line. Heck i dont even know if i'll be able to find the beat or phil. Oh, and it would be at like 11.30pm. which is pretty early but still. I'd be on a late night train by myself. He suggested i go with some one. But who. I dont really have anyone to take me to the beat besides him. he suggested bronco but i dont think that'll happen. I just wish things were easier.
BTW i think i know how i feel about phil.
Friday, January 29, 2010
He likes me ... I think
So i was talking to phil again last night. We talk (msn) pretty much everynight and still manage to have good conversations. And i think he likes me. And i'll tell you why. I told him i was thinking of taking another day off work soon cause it's turning my brain into mush. And then i was like maybe it could coincide with our movie marathon. And then i told him i was thinking of taking friday off. And he was that means i have to wait a whole week to see you (HINT!!! (maybe)) then he told me i should take tuesday off so we could watch movies monday night and i said i'll see what i can do. Then he said he missed talking to me the other night when he was at his friends (HINT!!!(maybe)). That made me blush, which i told him. Then we talked a bit more and it was kinda late so i told him i was going to bed and he said goodnight sweetie! (HINT!!!(maybe)). Then i asked him when i became sweetie and he said goodnight non-descript term of endearment and i said goodnight sweetie.
So i think he likes me but i've been wrong before. And i'm still not overly sure how i feel about him. Anyway, i'm trying not to think about it otherwise i will stuff it(?) up.
Also a big shoutout to princess who i've now told about this blog. He's the only friend i've told and i sent him a link to my blog because we dont get to talk as much as i like. He said i need to talk about him more :P
And thanks to everyone that left comments on my last post. If you haven't done so already it would be great if you could.
Thats all Folks!
I wanted to post a rick astley video here but i couldn't find one to embed. meh
So i think he likes me but i've been wrong before. And i'm still not overly sure how i feel about him. Anyway, i'm trying not to think about it otherwise i will stuff it(?) up.
Also a big shoutout to princess who i've now told about this blog. He's the only friend i've told and i sent him a link to my blog because we dont get to talk as much as i like. He said i need to talk about him more :P
And thanks to everyone that left comments on my last post. If you haven't done so already it would be great if you could.
Thats all Folks!
I wanted to post a rick astley video here but i couldn't find one to embed. meh
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Pussywillow
Bonus points (or something similar) if you can guess which movie the title of this post comes from.
So my life is pretty boring hence the random title. Worked again today. BLERGH!!
My laptop is seriously falling apart. I dont know where all these screws are coming from but they keep appearing so i'm getting a new one. I've already decided which one i'm going to get and tomorrow is late night shopping so i'm going to go down to the shop and have a look. It's going to be a compaq so i hope it's a good one.
Ummm. still not sure how i feel abou phil :S
I'm still not sure about the design of my blog. I keep changing it but i dont know. I went back to the black background but i'm not sure about what colour to keep on the blog. I did the picture behind the blog title but i dont know if i'll keep it.
So yeah. Boring
OH. And my brother is currently sitting in the middle of the loungeroom shaving his legs. And i'm the gay one (apparently i have grinch legs :$)
So my life is pretty boring hence the random title. Worked again today. BLERGH!!
My laptop is seriously falling apart. I dont know where all these screws are coming from but they keep appearing so i'm getting a new one. I've already decided which one i'm going to get and tomorrow is late night shopping so i'm going to go down to the shop and have a look. It's going to be a compaq so i hope it's a good one.
Ummm. still not sure how i feel abou phil :S
I'm still not sure about the design of my blog. I keep changing it but i dont know. I went back to the black background but i'm not sure about what colour to keep on the blog. I did the picture behind the blog title but i dont know if i'll keep it.
So yeah. Boring
OH. And my brother is currently sitting in the middle of the loungeroom shaving his legs. And i'm the gay one (apparently i have grinch legs :$)
Monday, January 25, 2010
Pretty Cool Cat
So i chatted to my friend phil as usual last night. And we just had a normal conversation till this bit of it. I pretty much copied this directly out of the msn window
Tommy says:
hey can i ask you a question
Phil says:
Sure thing ^^
Tommy says:
you have to answer honestly
but how do you think of me?
honest answer remember
Phil says:
You think I don't always answer honestly? =/
Tommy says:
well i'm sure you do
Phil says:
Haha, I do >.<. Lying is a sin. When people sin, baby Jesus cries .
Tommy says:
lol
Phil says:
Well, metaphorical baby Jesus cries xD.
And I've told you! I think you're a pretty cool cat >.<
Tommy says:
yes i know that
god this is going to sound stupid
do you think of me as a friend?
or what
Phil says:
LOL.
Yeah man. We're mates =].
Why - don't you?
Tommy says:
i do
i was just curious
as to wat your thoughts were
Phil says:
Haha, I know you wouldn't have said 'I do' if I didn't xD.
Which is why you asked. The safer option ^^
Tommy says:
lol
Phil says:
Safer than proclamation, I mean
Tommy says:
i do think of you as a friend
Phil says:
Haha, excellent .
Tommy says:
yeah
:$
anyways
Phil says:
Haha, yeah man.
TommyMannuem says:
hmmm
Phil says:
I like it how you didn't really protest what I just said xD.
I know your games.
xD.
Tommy says:
what games
Phil says:
Haha, well not 'games' as such.
Tommy says:
lol
Phil says:
But I'm sure you get my drift >.<
TommyMannuem says:
nope
not really
i suck at reading signals remember
kinda why i asked
Phil says:
Haha, nah man. I reckon you're craftier than you are letting on at the moment xD.
Tommy says:
really
how so
Phil says:
In many different ways.
Which I shall not elaborate on, for you are aware of them too xD.
Tommy says:
lol
ok
anyways
sorry if that was awkward
Phil says:
Haha, nah man! That's perfectly fine, hey!
In all honesty, I don't know if I've made my mind up >.<
Tommy says:
ok
me either
Phil says:
See, I was totally right just then xD.
Tommy says:
:$
now i feel stupid
Phil says:
That's okay, man. I know you like me. I just have to decide whether the feeling's mutual, is all.
Tommy says:
well i like you
but i dont know how much
if that makes sense
wait how do you know i like you
Phil says:
It's pretty obvious >.<
Tommy says:
really
:$
Phil says:
Yeah man.
I can tell xD.
Tommy says:
how?
so i can hide things better
Phil says:
Haha, some things you just can't hide.
Or maybe I'm incredibly intuitive?
Tommy says:
maybe
Phil says:
Nah, I am when I'm looking for something. And I was conscious of that, so yeah.
Tommy says:
so you were looking for something?
Phil says:
That was a bad choice of words.
Tommy says:
yeah
Phil says:
Ummmmmm. When I'm conscious of someone who might be hiding something.
Tommy says:
ahhh
ok
we can change the topic if you want
Phil says:
Haha, it's cool, man ^^
I'm not as uncomfortable as you are, I bet xD.
Tommy says:
yeah
i really suck at this stuff
:$
Phil says:
Haha, I know .
But you have other strengths, so all is well =]
Tommy says:
really
thanks i guess
HOMG i just realised that you agreed with me sucking
Phil says:
Haha, get your mind out of the gutter! xD
Tommy says:
lol
you get your mindout of the gutter
i was talking about me sucking with guys
i mean dealing with guys and talking to them
and stuff
god i suck
Phil says:
Haha, you ain't foolin' nobody, G.
Tommy says:
lol
apparently not
you're just to smart for me
Phil says:
Lol, sif. You're doing engineering. I'm doing education. I think that that means you're smarter xD.
Tommy says:
yeah but i've failed some things
ad you're much better at social things than i am
Phil says:
Haha, well I have to be a teacher, you're forgetting. And teachers MUST be sociable creatures ^^
Engineers - not so much.
Tommy says:
yeah
i guess
now you're the one being coy
Phil says:
Haha, how was that coy?!
Tommy says:
you totally are
i not that stupid
even i can tell you are being coy
Phil says:
LOL!
That doesn't make sense!
Tell me EXACTLY where I was being coy?
And I didn't call you coy xD. Or even imply it, for that
matter ^^
At least, I don't think I did? =/
Tommy says:
well you kinda did with the playing games comment
but anyways
i feel really stupid now
maybe we should change the topic
Phil says:
LOL! That wasn't being coy! That was totes being like... mysterious and subtle.
Tommy says:
lol
what do you think coy is
isn't that coy
Phil says:
Coy means shy xD.
Tommy says:
oh
woops
Phil says:
LOL! You're such a dork ^^
Tommy says:
you are
Phil says:
Nuh-uh!
TommyMannuem says:
yeh-ha
!!
Phil says:
I'm PRETTY SURE you're wrong xD.
Tommy says:
i know you are you said you se but what am i
wow!! that wasimmature
Phil says:
Indeed it was ^^
Tommy says:
lol
anyways
how about a new topic
Phil says:
Sure thing xD.
Tommy says:
i think i've made this awkward eough for tonight
Phil says:
Haha, I'm not awkward at all, man .
Tommy says:
lol
you're not awkward
the conversation was a little awkward
Phil says:
Perhaps it was. I didn't find it overly awkward, though xD.
So yeah, when's this movie night thing happening?
So the convo continued for quite a bit after that but that bit didn't really help me. I still dont know how he feels about me. And i still dont know how i feel about him. Alright so i might have given my thoughts away a bit when i took my shirt off in front of him. But yeah. Maybe we'll work things out by our movie night. Maybe he'll make the first move on me, considering he knows that i am practically incapable of making the first move.
Tommy says:
hey can i ask you a question
Phil says:
Sure thing ^^
Tommy says:
you have to answer honestly
but how do you think of me?
honest answer remember
Phil says:
You think I don't always answer honestly? =/
Tommy says:
well i'm sure you do
Phil says:
Haha, I do >.<. Lying is a sin. When people sin, baby Jesus cries .
Tommy says:
lol
Phil says:
Well, metaphorical baby Jesus cries xD.
And I've told you! I think you're a pretty cool cat >.<
Tommy says:
yes i know that
god this is going to sound stupid
do you think of me as a friend?
or what
Phil says:
LOL.
Yeah man. We're mates =].
Why - don't you?
Tommy says:
i do
i was just curious
as to wat your thoughts were
Phil says:
Haha, I know you wouldn't have said 'I do' if I didn't xD.
Which is why you asked. The safer option ^^
Tommy says:
lol
Phil says:
Safer than proclamation, I mean
Tommy says:
i do think of you as a friend
Phil says:
Haha, excellent .
Tommy says:
yeah
:$
anyways
Phil says:
Haha, yeah man.
TommyMannuem says:
hmmm
Phil says:
I like it how you didn't really protest what I just said xD.
I know your games.
xD.
Tommy says:
what games
Phil says:
Haha, well not 'games' as such.
Tommy says:
lol
Phil says:
But I'm sure you get my drift >.<
TommyMannuem says:
nope
not really
i suck at reading signals remember
kinda why i asked
Phil says:
Haha, nah man. I reckon you're craftier than you are letting on at the moment xD.
Tommy says:
really
how so
Phil says:
In many different ways.
Which I shall not elaborate on, for you are aware of them too xD.
Tommy says:
lol
ok
anyways
sorry if that was awkward
Phil says:
Haha, nah man! That's perfectly fine, hey!
In all honesty, I don't know if I've made my mind up >.<
Tommy says:
ok
me either
Phil says:
See, I was totally right just then xD.
Tommy says:
:$
now i feel stupid
Phil says:
That's okay, man. I know you like me. I just have to decide whether the feeling's mutual, is all.
Tommy says:
well i like you
but i dont know how much
if that makes sense
wait how do you know i like you
Phil says:
It's pretty obvious >.<
Tommy says:
really
:$
Phil says:
Yeah man.
I can tell xD.
Tommy says:
how?
so i can hide things better
Phil says:
Haha, some things you just can't hide.
Or maybe I'm incredibly intuitive?
Tommy says:
maybe
Phil says:
Nah, I am when I'm looking for something. And I was conscious of that, so yeah.
Tommy says:
so you were looking for something?
Phil says:
That was a bad choice of words.
Tommy says:
yeah
Phil says:
Ummmmmm. When I'm conscious of someone who might be hiding something.
Tommy says:
ahhh
ok
we can change the topic if you want
Phil says:
Haha, it's cool, man ^^
I'm not as uncomfortable as you are, I bet xD.
Tommy says:
yeah
i really suck at this stuff
:$
Phil says:
Haha, I know .
But you have other strengths, so all is well =]
Tommy says:
really
thanks i guess
HOMG i just realised that you agreed with me sucking
Phil says:
Haha, get your mind out of the gutter! xD
Tommy says:
lol
you get your mindout of the gutter
i was talking about me sucking with guys
i mean dealing with guys and talking to them
and stuff
god i suck
Phil says:
Haha, you ain't foolin' nobody, G.
Tommy says:
lol
apparently not
you're just to smart for me
Phil says:
Lol, sif. You're doing engineering. I'm doing education. I think that that means you're smarter xD.
Tommy says:
yeah but i've failed some things
ad you're much better at social things than i am
Phil says:
Haha, well I have to be a teacher, you're forgetting. And teachers MUST be sociable creatures ^^
Engineers - not so much.
Tommy says:
yeah
i guess
now you're the one being coy
Phil says:
Haha, how was that coy?!
Tommy says:
you totally are
i not that stupid
even i can tell you are being coy
Phil says:
LOL!
That doesn't make sense!
Tell me EXACTLY where I was being coy?
And I didn't call you coy xD. Or even imply it, for that
matter ^^
At least, I don't think I did? =/
Tommy says:
well you kinda did with the playing games comment
but anyways
i feel really stupid now
maybe we should change the topic
Phil says:
LOL! That wasn't being coy! That was totes being like... mysterious and subtle.
Tommy says:
lol
what do you think coy is
isn't that coy
Phil says:
Coy means shy xD.
Tommy says:
oh
woops
Phil says:
LOL! You're such a dork ^^
Tommy says:
you are
Phil says:
Nuh-uh!
TommyMannuem says:
yeh-ha
!!
Phil says:
I'm PRETTY SURE you're wrong xD.
Tommy says:
i know you are you said you se but what am i
wow!! that wasimmature
Phil says:
Indeed it was ^^
Tommy says:
lol
anyways
how about a new topic
Phil says:
Sure thing xD.
Tommy says:
i think i've made this awkward eough for tonight
Phil says:
Haha, I'm not awkward at all, man .
Tommy says:
lol
you're not awkward
the conversation was a little awkward
Phil says:
Perhaps it was. I didn't find it overly awkward, though xD.
So yeah, when's this movie night thing happening?
So the convo continued for quite a bit after that but that bit didn't really help me. I still dont know how he feels about me. And i still dont know how i feel about him. Alright so i might have given my thoughts away a bit when i took my shirt off in front of him. But yeah. Maybe we'll work things out by our movie night. Maybe he'll make the first move on me, considering he knows that i am practically incapable of making the first move.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Epic Day of Epicness
So my life has changed a bit over the past couple of days. I'd just like to thank everyone for their comments. I came out to my mum on thursday so i thought i'd catch people up on the past couple of days.
FRIDAY (day)
So i woke up early on friday as per usual. I got ready early and went to centrelink at about 8.30am. Now centrelink can be quite annoying. I got there and they told me i couldn't do what i had come to do. I need to do it over the phone. GAHH!! I was like why the fuck does it say i can come in and do it then. So i got slightly annoyed at centrelink but just left it.
So I drove over to Phil's place to pick him up for our epic day of epicness. Now we've never meet before so i was a little nervous. He's cute and kinda hot in an nerdy/dorky kinda way. So we drove to southbank talking bout lots of things. When we got there we went to GOMA (Gallery of modern art). Now i'm probably not the best person to go to an art gallery with. I mean i like art but some of this stuff was stupid. I probably annoyed the shit out of phil with my talking too. So we went to GOMA then we walked over the river into the city. Phil took me to his favourite tea shop which was interesting. I got a mango jelly juice. Not really my thing but good none the less. Then we went to borders so he could finish the last four pages of a book he was reading. He couldn't find it so we left. Then we went to myers and looked at some clothes. I have no fashion sense so he chose some things out for me. He managed to get me to try on skinny jeans, which was interesting. I've never worn skinny jeans before, mainly cause i dont think i have the body for it. OK, so i'll admit they were kinda comfy but it took so long to get them on and off.I had trouble getting them over my heel when i was putting them on then i had to sit down to get them off again. Apparently they looked good on me but i dont know where i'd where them. And apparently they could be tighter. I was just like ok :S ( i dont think i could go tighter, i'm not that confident). I also tried on some shirts and found out that green and blue look good on me but yellow doesn't. After that we decided to get back to epicness and went to the casino. This was also a first for me (i'm like the worst 19 year old ever). So we went and played the pokies for a bit. I won some money so i only ended up spending a dollar which was good. We had a bit of a look around the casino then we went and got lunch and ate it in the botanical gardens. Very relaxing. Then we walked back over to southbank and just had a chat. Oh, and i saw one of my friends from uni, twice, that could have been a lot more awkward. So yeah, we talked about lots of things and had a good day. It wasn't overly epic but it was still fun. I think we're just going to end up as friends. But there were a couple of times i wished that we would kiss. But i dont know. We've already organised our next day together. We're going to have a little movie marathon (some like it hot, sweeny todd, district 9, wall-e) and he's going to teach me to knit and rap in russian. I dont know when it will actually happen but hopefully soon. So I dropped phil home and then came back to my house.
FRIDAY (day)
So i woke up early on friday as per usual. I got ready early and went to centrelink at about 8.30am. Now centrelink can be quite annoying. I got there and they told me i couldn't do what i had come to do. I need to do it over the phone. GAHH!! I was like why the fuck does it say i can come in and do it then. So i got slightly annoyed at centrelink but just left it.
So I drove over to Phil's place to pick him up for our epic day of epicness. Now we've never meet before so i was a little nervous. He's cute and kinda hot in an nerdy/dorky kinda way. So we drove to southbank talking bout lots of things. When we got there we went to GOMA (Gallery of modern art). Now i'm probably not the best person to go to an art gallery with. I mean i like art but some of this stuff was stupid. I probably annoyed the shit out of phil with my talking too. So we went to GOMA then we walked over the river into the city. Phil took me to his favourite tea shop which was interesting. I got a mango jelly juice. Not really my thing but good none the less. Then we went to borders so he could finish the last four pages of a book he was reading. He couldn't find it so we left. Then we went to myers and looked at some clothes. I have no fashion sense so he chose some things out for me. He managed to get me to try on skinny jeans, which was interesting. I've never worn skinny jeans before, mainly cause i dont think i have the body for it. OK, so i'll admit they were kinda comfy but it took so long to get them on and off.I had trouble getting them over my heel when i was putting them on then i had to sit down to get them off again. Apparently they looked good on me but i dont know where i'd where them. And apparently they could be tighter. I was just like ok :S ( i dont think i could go tighter, i'm not that confident). I also tried on some shirts and found out that green and blue look good on me but yellow doesn't. After that we decided to get back to epicness and went to the casino. This was also a first for me (i'm like the worst 19 year old ever). So we went and played the pokies for a bit. I won some money so i only ended up spending a dollar which was good. We had a bit of a look around the casino then we went and got lunch and ate it in the botanical gardens. Very relaxing. Then we walked back over to southbank and just had a chat. Oh, and i saw one of my friends from uni, twice, that could have been a lot more awkward. So yeah, we talked about lots of things and had a good day. It wasn't overly epic but it was still fun. I think we're just going to end up as friends. But there were a couple of times i wished that we would kiss. But i dont know. We've already organised our next day together. We're going to have a little movie marathon (some like it hot, sweeny todd, district 9, wall-e) and he's going to teach me to knit and rap in russian. I dont know when it will actually happen but hopefully soon. So I dropped phil home and then came back to my house.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
I Sit Here Crying
At the moment i am sitting here crying. I have just come out to my mother and i cant stop crying. I dont even know why i'm crying. We were talking on the phone for the second time tonight and it was just the usual stuff. We talked about money and cleaning the house and uni and it went around in cicles a bit. She told me that i need to have a social life and she's worried i'm not happy and everyone says its so hard to talk to me and she says i never tell anyone anything. And i just told her i was gay. and she said are you serious and i said yes. And she said ok. She said it she wasn't suprised and she'd expected it. The thing that seemed to worry her the most seemed to be the pornography. Well not even the pornography but me looking at the pornography. About a million times she said i need to stop looking at pornography otherwise i might click on underage picture and i'll be branded for life. I'm like i'm not that stupid it wont happen. She asked me if i'd been a "relationship". i knew what she meant and i said yes but lied a bit. I told her i'd only been with one guy and it was only a few times. She asked me how i met him and i said i met him at uni(kinda a lie. I dont think my mum needs to know about my sex life that much. The guy i referred to is real and we were together briefly and it was a mutual end but we didn't actually have anal sex). She asked about sex and i assured her that i always used a condom and i dont want to put myself in danger so i would never do anything stupid. She then asked if i was the man or the woman in the realtionship (this annoyed me a little but i just let her go) I told her the truth. I've only ever been the man. She also asked why i hadn't told her when she had asked the thousand times before. I told her it was very confusing and i had to be comfortable with myself before i could tell anyone else. She felt a little dissapointed that i took until now to tell her given that i knew she'd be alright with it. I think it was around this point that i started crying. I tried to hide it but my mum knew. I cant remember everything we talked about. She asked me when i had decided and i said you dont decide i just am. She asked me if i had considered suicide and i said never. She told me that she thinks i should see a counseller, not because i have a problem but because i need to talk to someone about my confusions. She pointed out the fact that i'm not really feminine and asked what i felt when i saw someone like W (one half of a gay couple that are family friends) who is over the top gay. She asked me if i had feelings for my friend james and i told her i didn't and that i've never thought about my friends like that. We talked about coming out to my friends and she asked if she could tell her best friend. She asked if i wanted M & W's number so i could talk to them. I said no because i wouldn't know what to talk about. She talked about relationships and it cant just be about sex. Then she asked me if at 70 when i looked back on my life if i would be happy with it and not being able to have my own family. I told her i could still have a family and she said yes but its a lot harder. We talked about predjudice and how it could affect my job chances and life. She talked about gay bashings. I told her i probably wouldn't come out to any of my uni friends. They dont need to know. We talked about coming out to my dad and she said she could tell him but she'd prefer if i did it. She said he was the most reasonable and understanding person in the world. One of the last things she said was that she wasn't ashamed of me and she thinks you're born this way but she was sorry if there was anything that her or my dad had done that had influenced me or made me turn out this way. I told her i was born this way and they were great parents. Then we said goodbye and i told her i loved her.
So i've just stopped crying and my mum just rang again. She said that she just wanted to check if i was alright (probably because if the crying). She said she had told my dad because she didn't think i was up to it now. We talked about some more stuff like telling my 2 little brothers and my sister. I have planned to tell my sister but i think i'll do it tomorrow.
So thats it for now. I'm definately on my way
P.S. I'm meeting phil for the first time tomorrow for our "epic day of epicness" which should be fun. I'll let you know how it goes
So i've just stopped crying and my mum just rang again. She said that she just wanted to check if i was alright (probably because if the crying). She said she had told my dad because she didn't think i was up to it now. We talked about some more stuff like telling my 2 little brothers and my sister. I have planned to tell my sister but i think i'll do it tomorrow.
So thats it for now. I'm definately on my way
P.S. I'm meeting phil for the first time tomorrow for our "epic day of epicness" which should be fun. I'll let you know how it goes
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Man-date (and other random things)
So last night i went on a man-date with my friend Bronco. This was the first time we'd actually met so i was a bit nervous but i had lots of fun. He picked me up and we went and had these massive burgers at garden city then we went to see Bran Nue Dae. It was a pretty good movie but that ending was like WTF?! Now i'm glad is was just a man-date and not a date date because i dont think i could have handled that.
(Man-date : A date between two male friends with a plutonic relationship, see also bromantic :P) We got along really well and chatted about tonnes of different things so it was a good night.
In other news a couple of posts ago i mentioned that some guy wanted me to be his "master". Thats not going to happen because that guy is fucking weird. I was willing to give it a try to a certain extent but then he mentioned tasers and whipping and i was like "Oh Fuck". The stuff he was saying made me want to vomit. I dont think i'll ever talk to him again.
I need a new computer. The one i have is falling apart
I've come to the decision that my mum will know i am of the male persuasion by the end of the month at the latest. I want her to know and i think it will make some things easier. Unfortunately i kinda have to make a big deal out of it because she's asked me about my sexuality before and i denied it.
I've made a new friend who shall go by the name phil. We get along really well and have big long conversations on msn. It's just easy to chat to him, he's around my age and goes tothe same uni as me. I think i'm meeting him friday. We've kinda planned an epic day of epicness so i'll let you know how it goes. He also wants to take me to the beat sometime. I've never been before so it should be interesting. (the beat is like the main gay club in brisbane)
Work is boring and really busy.
So thats my life at the moment. I'll keep you updated
(Man-date : A date between two male friends with a plutonic relationship, see also bromantic :P) We got along really well and chatted about tonnes of different things so it was a good night.
In other news a couple of posts ago i mentioned that some guy wanted me to be his "master". Thats not going to happen because that guy is fucking weird. I was willing to give it a try to a certain extent but then he mentioned tasers and whipping and i was like "Oh Fuck". The stuff he was saying made me want to vomit. I dont think i'll ever talk to him again.
I need a new computer. The one i have is falling apart
I've come to the decision that my mum will know i am of the male persuasion by the end of the month at the latest. I want her to know and i think it will make some things easier. Unfortunately i kinda have to make a big deal out of it because she's asked me about my sexuality before and i denied it.
I've made a new friend who shall go by the name phil. We get along really well and have big long conversations on msn. It's just easy to chat to him, he's around my age and goes tothe same uni as me. I think i'm meeting him friday. We've kinda planned an epic day of epicness so i'll let you know how it goes. He also wants to take me to the beat sometime. I've never been before so it should be interesting. (the beat is like the main gay club in brisbane)
Work is boring and really busy.
So thats my life at the moment. I'll keep you updated
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