Thursday, June 17, 2010

I am empty

I am empty. That's me right now. Empty. I have no passion or desire or drive. I'm just empty. I have no idea what i want to do or be in life. I just dont know. I had my exam today and i was actually dreading the phone call from my mum because i knew i'd have to talk about it and i know i did badly. Its going to take a miracle for me to pass, and i've already failed this subject once. I've done nearly two and a half years of engineering and i dont even know if its what i want to do. I dont know what i want to do. I have no idea what i want my career to be. I'm just sitting here, hoping that something will happen, or somemone will say something and i'll be like "YES!! i know what i want to do now".I dont care how i do on my other exams, i really dont give a shit. I've given up.
I hate it when i have times of self doubt because i think about everything that i would change if i could. I've had a great life, dont get me wrong, but i wish i had grown up in town instead of on the farm. It would have made things easier. I could have just hung out with friends without all the planning. I could have made friends easier and been more social. I wish i had come out earlier. Accepted myself earlier and not denied it for so long. Maybe i'd have more friends if i had. I wish i hadnt started my sexual experiences in the way i did. In fact i cant think of any "relationship" stuff i'd keep if i had the opportunity. I feel like i'm missing out on something by not living at a college. Or closer to campus. I feel like i'm missing out on the social side to uni. I feel like i'm missing out because i've only ever lived with my family. I've never had that experience of living with friends and just doing random stuff because you can. I'm not really a spontaneous person. I just wish i was more fun and interesting. Like when we use to do those warm fuzzy comments i always use to get the shit ones like "good at maths" (guess thats kind of why i went into engineering) or "red hair". These non-comments that dont actually mean anything. Even my "friends" wouldnt write overly great comments. one of them wrote "my friend in maths B & C". Thats the only nice thing he could think of from the entire time we knew each other.
Even now my "friends" dont know about me. me and my friends at uni mainly talk about uni. There's nothing really social to it. and i'm probably going to change degrees at some point, maybe next semester so i'll probably never speak to them again.

I just wish i knew what i wanted to be, or what i want to do in life. I just have no passion for anything. I want something that i am passionate about. Something that's challenging and fulfilling. I want that. I just wish i knew where to find it.


  1. Ummm what Can I say, I just arrived in your blog and in this precise post...
    Ow come on cheer up buddy, life can be so shitty sometimes but not meaningless, everything you are and what you've lived, make a special part of that great human being I feel you are.
    Try to be more open to the world, is not easy, believe me I live it myself as I'm like an ocean away from my house and the Univ here is getting sooo boring and my life, so lonely.

    Don't be so stressed, there are signatures more hard than others, forget about thatone in a while, and take some time for yourself, in order for you to be focused in the other signatures.

    hope you have a nice day tomorrow, I send you all my positive energy. Byeee

  2. If ur gonna keep looking at yesterday, you'll never look into the future!! Sure....u've screwed up a couple of times bt things happen fr a purpose!!

    Who knows....hd u grown up in the city...u cud be doing drugs or something!! Growing up in a farm isn't neccesarily bad....n maybe ur kinda down on the social that isn't something that can't be corrected!!!

    Go out more....plan something with ur friends....there are a million things u cn do! Start with one or two ppl and build up.....socializing is the EASIEST thing in the world imo....the only thing that stops most ppl is low self-esteem...probably!!!

    I nvr wanted to do medicine...believe me, i wanted to go to film production and direction...thats what i wanted and i still do sometimes!!

    Bt I don't hate where i am...i've grown to love it!!! It needs some time and a lil patient!!! So cheer up....tomorrow hopefully ur day would be MUCH better!!

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. i see that you've erased your latest entry.. i hope things are going okay. and yeah with friends it's a funny thing :/ frustrating really.. i'm trying to work things out as well. i guess i have to try and open up to them more hey?

    you're from brissy? coolio :) i'm canadian but i'm in Australia for the mean time


  5. Hey Tommy, don't feel like your missing out by not living at a college. I lived on campus for 2 years, and although i made a few friends there, after I moved I kind of lost contact with a lot of people. Not because of any tensions or anything, its just that while at college you tend to form smaller cliques and stick mainly with a few people, only really socializing with others at social events. I also found that because college life was so self-contained, it made most people including myself somewhat lazy and unwilling to make friends or socialise with non-college kids. Its like why bother when you can just socialise with the people on college right?

    Moving out of college though really changed my perspective on life, and showed me how really narrow minded we were while living on campus.

    I think its cool that you've been able to make friends with people from your classes and hang out with them. While i've been at uni, i've never been able to make friends with anyone. The only people i know here are those i met while living in college. It kind of sucks because now that I've moved out, I hardly see any of the college people anymore. There's also this feeling of not being a part of something anymore. Since I never had any uni friends, whenever I'm there I'm usually a loner.

    Things always look greener on the other side, but really its not all that different.


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