Coming Out

So i've been thinking about coming out a lot lately. I thought about coming out at work today. I was thinking about coming out in the shower the other morning (what would happen i mean, not coming out while i was in the shower). I thought about it before i went to sleep the other night. So i've been thinking about it a lot and i though i'd do the story so far.

So currently only a few people i care about know i like guys. So friends i've made off the internet know, obviously, and my older brother who i live with knows (and his girlfriend but i dont really count her). And this is how i came out to my brother.

So i came home one day in late november. I think I was coming home from uni and it was kinda late (during final exams). Well I walked into the loungeroom and my brother was using my computer (which he does a lot and it annoys me immensly). Well i walked in and i knew straight away it was going to happen. I dont know how i just did. So he was on my computer getting photos for his 21st. And I had certain pictures on there so i tried to get him off there but i still knew it was going to happen. So things were normal for a while. We ate dinner and had a chat and what not. Then after dinner he came out of the kitchen and he's like I want to talk to you about something. He said he wanted me to tell the truth and be myself. He had brought up my sexuality before when he found a rather homoerotic video on my computer. I denied it and blamed it on a computer virus that downloaded random files. I dont think he believed me.
Anyway, He brought the topic up but i dont remember everything that was said. I remember the main points. He said i was still his brother no matter what and he'd support me. I wasn't really expecting this because i know my brother. He can be rascist and bigotted and pretty mean (not my ideal choice as the first person to come out to). He also said to be careful cause you have a higher chance of getting STI's if you have anal sex (i dont know if this is actually true but i just went along with it and told him i alway use a condom). I told him i was a bisexual. He ased questions about how long it had been happening and if it was just happening because i was 19 and still a virgin (i actually lost my virginity at 17 but he doesn't know that). I told him some half truths, to kind of ease him into it i guess. Ummm. I'm really having a hard time remembering what we talked about. I know i was chatting to a guy on facebook while this was happening. We'd been on a couple of dates then he broke it off then he told me he still liked me.

Back to my story. I told him i was bi. And he asked me if i was just saying that cause i was to scared to say i was gay. Which i kinda was but i was still confused (i dont know how kids can be so sure of themselves at like 13 :$). I said i still thought about girls. Which i do sometimes but its kinda rare. He was like OK you're bi but eventually you're going to have to choose if you're gay or straight. Being bi is fine while you're young but you'll have to choose. I was like i'm pretty sure being bi isn't like that but i will at some point end up in a homosexual or heterosexual relationship but i can still be bi. I can't really remember anything else but i do remember one of the last things he said to me was i need to respect myself. He said he'd seen things he probably shouldn't have seen (pictures of me in minimal or no clothing) and it was probably his fault (it was. I've told him a million times to use his computer or buy a new one if his doesn't work) but i need to respect myself.

And thats pretty much my only coming out story so far. I kinda listened to him and deleted my pictures off the internet (though i know they're still out there in some form. I was smart enough not to show my face) and deleted my xtube account (yes i had one. It was my first real foray into the gay world and it gave me some self confidence. Good comments can do that) and yeah. He asked me if i wanted to tell his girlfriend or if he should do it. And i was like can we just wait a while you're the first person i've told and he was like no i made her talk to her parents about her sister so i'm going to tell her. And i was like fine you can tell her i'm going to bed.

My sexuality hasn't been mentioned since though my brothers girlfriend did tell me that if i wanted to talk she was there. She was pretty drunk and also said i could punch her in the face so i'm not sure if she meant it. In any case we haven't talked about it.

About a fortnight after that i went to visit my sister on the sunshine coast for a couple of days. I had decided i was going to tell her and i had it all planned out in my head. I was going to wait till just before i left then i was going to say i liked guys. I thought about it so much and i knew it was coming up and i was so nervous, i kept on going to the toilet. I kept on thinking different scenarios over in my head then when it came time to leave i couldn't do it. I just could bring myself to say that i had something to tell her. That i liked guys. I dont know what it was but i just got back in my car and drove back to brissie. I kinda felt ashamed of myself for not telling her but i just couldn't do it.

Well that's the story so far. Sorry if it's a bit all over the place but it was kinda hard for me to write it. I'll keep you updated.